Hello, I am a recently divorced father of an incredible 5-year-old
daughter, Megan. She's with me every other week and, though she seems
fine with the arrangement, I'm only beginning to get used to not being
in her life every day. She has her own room and had been sleeping there
until her mom moved out. Now, when she's with me, she prefers to sleep
in my bed, saying she dosn't like to sleep alone. Her mother thinks
this is unhealthy, easy to say since she has a boyfriend with a younger
daughter who often sleeps with Megan when she's there. Our regimen is
to have a bath, read a few books, lights out by 9, talk in the dark
while I scratch her back and off to sleep. Her mother probably
remembers I prefer to sleep without clothes, but I never do when
Megan's with me. There's absolutely nothing inappropriate in this
from my point of view. I believe I'm quite firm with her about many
other issues (sweets, cleaning up, homework, being on time, television,
etc.)and I know at some point soon Megan will want to assert her independence
again and return to her own bed...she"s talked about it in the light
of day...but for now, frankly, given that we've divided her family in
two, I see little reason to deny her this comfort at the end of the day.
What do you think?
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Many divorced parents invite their kids into their beds. The family has been torn apart and it is traumatic for both the adults and kids. It is natural to want to "huddle together" in the storm. However, there are definitely some good reasons not to engage in this practice, even with parents of the same sex as the child. First of all, the adult involved may soon have a new partner. When the partner moves in to that bed and the child is sent back to his or her room, the child suffers intensely. It is unrealistic to think that you will always be alone. It is also cruel to remove the child from your bed when it becomes inconvenient to have her there. However, for argument's sake, let's say that you've sworn off adult women at least for a couple of years. There is still a reason not to invite your daughter into your bed. Again, this would be the same even if you were the mother instead of the father: a 5 year old is ready to sleep independently. This is a backward step for your daughter. It would be healthier for her if you made her room as cozy and safe as possible and started her off to sleep there every night. Then, if she awakens, she could come to your room and sleep on a small crib-size mattress or futon on the floor - not in your bed. Many intact families allow their young kids to toddle into their room in the wee hours of the morning and there is no reason you can't do the same. However, I strongly recommend you keep the child out of your bed. If it is true that you have sworn off female companionship, it is very unhealthy for YOU to put a little girl in your bed. Though she is your daughter, the common existence of incest shows that it is not impossible for men to be attracted to their own children under some circumstances. Even if you are 100% immune to this (let's say, for instance, that you have no sex drive whatsoever), your daughter is also a sexual being even at her young age. She may not have conscious comprehension of her sexuality, but her healthy little body should be working just fine. Cuddling up with Daddy in bed may create certain conflicts within her that won't necessarily surface for years to come. Why risk that? Just settle her to bed in her own room and confidentally convey to her that this new home is truly a home - safe and loving just as her other home was and that she needs to make friends with her new room. Your structured bedtime routine is helpful. Now follow that up with a strong, positive attitude that you can show your daughter to let her know that all is well and she is secure in your new home. All the best, Sarah Chana
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