Extreme Misbehavior – Conduct Disorder

Even before stepping into high school, John had already accumulated a laundry list of offenses. He had been involved in bullying, vandalism, fire setting, stealing, and fighting, among other aggressive or illegal activities. As if these antisocial behaviors weren’t enough, John also had other issues like abusing alcohol and prescription drugs, and threatening his parents with violence.  At 14, he was arrested for assault, and placed in a juvenile correction facility.

John has Conduct Disorder, a mental health condition believed to affect 3-10% of American children and adolescents. Conduct Disorder or CD is characterized by persistent patterns of antisocial behavior, behavior that violates the rights of others and breaks rules and laws. While most kids have natural tendencies towards episodes of lying, belligerence and aggression, children and teenagers with Conduct Disorder exhibit chronic and inflexible patterns of gross misbehavior and violence. Conduct Disorder is a serious disorder of behavior and not simply an overdose of the sort of ordinary mischief or misbehavior that all children get into. It is characterized by repetitive, consistent antisocial behavior that is not responsive to normal parenting interventions.

Conduct Disorder manifests in aggression to people and animals, destruction of property, deceitfulness or theft, and serious violations of rule such as running away, using dangerous weapons, skipping school and classes, ignoring curfews and so on. Symptoms cause severe impairment in the child’s personal, academic or social life. Conduct Disorder occurs more often among males than among females and usually coexists with other mental health conditions such as substance abuse, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ADHD, learning disorders, and depression.

What it’s Like for Parents
Conduct Disorder poses one of the greatest sources of grief and stress among parents. Symptoms can start out looking relatively normal, involving “misbehavior” such as chronic arguments with parents, disobedience and even hyperactivity. But as time goes by the gravity of the symptoms tend to escalate, alongside with their frequency. Temper tantrums can become actual episodes of violence and assault; lying to parents can become stealing from friends and classmates; and lack of respect for privacy at home can become breaking and entering somebody else’s home. Conduct Disorders can lead to cases of rape and sexual abuse, even homicide. If left untreated, Conduct Disorders can evolve into the adult disorder known as Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Receiving calls from teachers, principals and even the local police station, are common occurrences for parents of conduct disordered children and teens. Usually, there are many fruitless attempts to discipline or moderate a child’s behavior. Even counseling is insufficient because the biological nature of the disorder necessitates medical treatment as well. Because kids and teens with Conduct Disorder  suffer from a lack of empathy and emotional responsiveness, parents rarely get through to their child on their own.

What can Parents Do?
The good news is that there is hope for treating Conduct Disorders, and many programs have been found effective in both managing symptoms and restoring functionality. However, treatment is usually slow and complex. Indeed, Conduct Disorder is one of the most difficult behavioral disorders to treat. Recovery generally requires time and a combination of many different treatment approaches including different types of therapy, education, behavioral interventions and medications.

What can Help?
Early intervention helps increase the likelihood of successful treatment, which is why parents should act promptly when they notice antisocial behavior in their children. CD often begins as ODD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder, a condition characterized by lack of respect for authority. Lack of empathy is also a risk factor, alongside a family history of antisocial and/or criminal behavior.

As part of a comprehensive treatment program, traditional counseling and therapy interventions can go a long way, particularly those that aims to teach positive social skills such as communication, empathy and conflict management. Emotional management techniques, such as anger management interventions can also help. Sensitivity training, especially those at residential camps where kids and teens can interact with peers (and sometimes animals like horses), have also been known to be effective.

Parents are also encouraged to join family therapy sessions and Parent Management Training or PMT. Family therapy can surface systemic factors that cause and reinforce antisocial behavior in children. Family therapy can also help parents establish more effective forms of guidance and discipline, and teach parents how to respond to disruptive and defiant behaviors.

Because of the biological factor in Conduct Disorders, getting pharmacological help is important as well. A psychiatrist can help plan the appropriate drug therapy for a child or teenager with Conduct Disorder. In addition, a psychiatrist can help manage the child’s overall program of therapy and specific interventions. Sometimes the best source of help for children with Conduct Disorder is a specialized children’s mental health treatment center where many different types of professionals offer services under one roof and the child’s program can be coordinated through one department. Ask your doctor for a referral to such a center for diagnosis and treatment of your child.

Bullying

Bullying is something most children encounter in one form or another. Children struggle with being called names, being picked on, being excluded, or being the ones acting unkindly or aggressively toward others. Scientific studies show that bullying is an international problem that affects all schools, and that bullying cuts across international, socio-economic status and ethnic boundaries. Hence, across the nation, parents, teachers, schools and children alike are taking action to learn to recognize the extent and impact of bullying and to stop it from happening. We are not exempt from the problem; we, too, need to address it for the sake of our children.

When bullying is ignored or downplayed, children will suffer torment in the short-term, and possible life-long consequences. Bullying makes young people feel unsafe and feel that there is something wrong with them. It can make them feel lonely, unhappy, and physically ill. Children may lose confidence and may not want to go to school any more. Victims of bullying may also exhibit changes in speech patterns, sleeping patterns, diet, and academic performance as well display secretiveness, uncommunicativeness, bed-wetting and sullenness. In extreme cases, bullying has even led to child suicide.

As for the bullies, research shows that without intervention, many child bullies continue to engage in these offenses as well as other antisocial or criminal acts. Children who bully at school and who get away with it are more likely go on to be bullies in the workplace and to engage in domestic violence.

Hence, as parents and educators invested in our children’s welfare and eductation, it is incumbent upon us to address the phenomenon of bullying and to offer our help and support to both victims and bullies alike. All incidents and forms of bullying are abusive and unacceptable, yet they can be turned into opportunities to teach our children how to better interrelate, how to be considerate of others, and how to be a better person.

Fortunately, there is clear evidence that parental and school action can dramatically reduce the incidence of bullying. There are an increasing number of tools to help teach children who are bullied how to stand up for themselves, to teach bullies themselves alternate ways of handling their feelings, and to teach schools how to be advocates for creating a community that will not tolerate bullying behaviours. This article will provide a brief review of what the experts say about bullying behavior, bullies and their victims, and practical steps that children, parents, and educators alike can take to stop bullying.

Bullying Behaviors
A bully is someone who uses his or her power to hurt another person. Bullying can be physical, verbal, psychological, or a combination of these. It may involve one child bullying another, a group of children against a single child or groups against other groups (gangs).

Physical: – it can mean hitting or kicking or pushing or shoving, or making someone do something they don’t want to do.

Verbal: – it can mean calling someone names, saying or writing mean things, spreading rumors, or threatening someone.

Psychological: – it can mean making someone feel unsafe, uncomfortable or scared, leaving them out of activities, ignoring them or making them feel invisible.

Why Do Children Bully?
While bullies are often perceived as confident, arrogant and invulnerable, in most cases, they actually suffer from low self-esteem. They may bully to get attention, to feel in control, or to make themselves more popular. (In fact, however, while bullies are often surrounded by other children, it is usually out of fear of the bully and not through popularity). Bullies are also often angry, maybe jealous of the person they are bullying, and are very often children who have been bullied or abused themselves. Sometimes they are children experiencing life situations they can’t cope with, leaving them feeling helpless and out of control. They may be children with poor social skills, who do not fit in, or who cannot meet the expectations of their family or school. Hence, they bully to feel competent, successful, to control someone else, and to get some relief from their own feelings of powerlessness. It is important to recognize that in some cases, bullies may not even understand how wrong their behavior is and how it makes the person being bullied feel.

Why are Some Children Bullied?
Some children are bullied for no particular reason, however there are two streams of data on the types of children who are more prone to be picked upon. One line of research identifies children with the following characteristics: low self-esteem; insecure; lack of social skills; cry or become emotionally distraught easily;  or unable to defend or stand up for themselves. Children might also be targeted if they are different in some way – i.e. the color of their skin, the way they talk, their size or their name. Targets of bullying also tend to be non-violent, preferring to resolve conflict with dialogue.

Alternatively, other research finds that bullies target children who are responsible and respectful, and communicate easily with adults. These victims may be self-reliant and independent, such that they don’t need to join gangs or form cliques. Driven by jealousy, bullies target these children who have a higher-than-average emotional intelligence and who have high moral integrity that they’re unwilling to compromise.

Advice for Children Being Bullied
There are many practical tips that we can offer children if they are confronted by negative or potentially abusive behavior. It is important for them to know that they are not alone, and to emphasize that they have a right to feel safe and secure: no one should have to put up with a bully, and no one has the right to make someone else feel uncomfortable or unsafe. It should also be emphasized that (in most cases) it’s really the bully’s problems that are causing the situation, and that the bully’s taunts should not be taken personally.

Here are some suggestions to share with your children:

  • Believe in yourself. Have confidence that you can deal with bullies in a peaceful manner.
  • Ask your friends to get involved and to stand up for you when the bully is bothering you.
  • If you don’t have good friends, just ask some classmates to help by confronting the bully (see below) if needed. Ignore them/walk away: if the bully no longer gets a reaction out of you, he/she will usually move on. It is no longer any fun.
  • Look the bully in the eye and say “STOP DOING THAT”.
  • If the bully makes a teasing joke, laugh and say “That’s funny.” Then just walk away.
  • Try confronting him and telling him how he is making you feel. “What did I do to you?” BUT, if the bully is very abusive or violent, this technique should be avoided.
  • Tell your parent, teacher, principal or another adult that you trust. This isn’t tattling — you have a right to be safe and adults can do things to get the bullying stopped. Keep telling adults until you find one who is willing and able to help – don’t give up.
  • Travel to school in a group; at recess time, play close to the teacher on yard duty.
  • Spend time with your friends/join with others – bullies hardly ever pick on people if they’re with others in a group.
  • If you find it difficult to talk about being bullied, you might find it easier to write down what’s been happening to you and give it to an adult you trust.
  • If you see someone else being bullied you should always try to stop it. Get as many of your friends involved as you can.  Research shows that bullying occurs because people who see it do nothing to stop it.  However, if several kids confront the bully (“leave him alone”) then the bully will back down. Let the bully know that you think what he is doing is stupid and mean. Get someone to call an adult. When witnesses do nothing, on the other hand, they are condoning the behaviour of the bully and giving him permission to continue.

Help Your Child
No one suspects that his or her child is a bully. However, it is clear that someone’s child is! Help out by discussing the problem of bullying at your dinner table. Ask the children about their experiences both as victim and as aggressor. Explain the motivation behind bullying behavior. Discuss coping mechanisms for victims. Do some role-playing. Discuss ideas for helping bullies build their self-concept in a healthier way (i.e. finding successes in different areas, making friends, getting professional help).

Another important way to help reduce bullying is by using discipline techniques with the children that do not involve bullying – provide a model of problem-solving that shows respect for the child’s feelings and demonstrates rational forms of communication.  Keep anger to a minimum since it can create anger and aggression in children. Keep in mind that most bullies become that way because they don’t like themselves very much. Your child may need more positive attention. Further, a prime strategy to ensuring children’s safety is to empower them to resolve their conflicts on their own, in assertive, non-aggressive manners. Teach your children to behave respectfully toward their siblings. Make clear consequences for aggressive and bullying behavior in the home.

Teachers: Preventing Bullying
As soon as children begin to interact with others, we can begin to teach them not to be bullies and not to be bullied. We can give them words for their feelings, limit and change their behavior, and teach them better ways to express their wishes. Children do not learn to solve problems and get along by themselves. We need to teach them.

Schools are the ideal environments in which to promote anti-bullying policies and in which to teach students how to effectively prevent and deal with incidences of bullying. Further, children who are not bullies or victims have a powerful role to play in shaping the behavior of other children. Teach your students to speak up on behalf of students being bullied. “Don’t treat her that way, it’s not nice.” “Hitting is not a good way to solve problems, let’s find a teacher and talk about what happened.”

Schools: Preventing Bullying
Schools have a moral obligation to provide a safe physical and emotional environment. Since bullying can be found in every school, every school must recognize its extent and impact and take steps to stop it from happening. Indeed, a school’s failure to deal with bullying endangers the safety of all its pupils by allowing a hostile environment to interfere with learning.

There is solid evidence that school action can dramatically reduce the incidence of bullying. What works best is a “Whole School Approach” in which the development of a ‘common understanding’ of bullying and expressing it in a policy is the key to reducing bullying. It must be supported by clear guidelines on how to deal with cases of bullying.
The following are some suggested actions schools can take to create a bully-free environment:

  • Take a proactive approach to bullying, not a reactive one which will be too late.
  • Create a whole-school ethos such that bullying is regarded unambiguously as unacceptable behavior.
  • Use a full staff meeting to raise awareness and knowledge of the issue. The anti-bullying initiative must be tied to the school’s philosophy.
  • Research existing anti-bullying programs or initiatives that best fit the culture of the school; find out what similar schools have done.
  • Teacher Action: All staff must to be committed to a common response to bullying when it does happen.  Immediate intervention is crucial.
  • Curriculum Action:  All pupils in the school will need to have their awareness raised, and this can be accomplished in a variety of ways: 1) integrating an anti-bullying component into existing curriculum areas; 2) introducing a series of discrete anti-bullying modules as part of a special social-skill-development program; 3) reinforcing anti-bullying messages in school-wide forums such as assemblies, newsletters, or awareness days.
  • Teach assertiveness, anger management and conflict resolution.
  • The goal is to convey that: STOPPING BULLYING IS EVERYONE’S RESPONSIBILITY.
  • Outside the classroom: Provide adequate supervision in places and times that pupils identify as problematic (i.e. where bullies dominate); provide opportunities for bullies to be kept busy, i.e. introduce activities that will involve the bullies and encourage them to participate positively; have discipline procedures in place that remove persistent offenders from the environment.
  • Remember: If there are no consequences to the bad behavior; if the victim does not complain and if the peer group silently or even actively colludes, the bully will continue with the behavior.

We can stop the cycle of bullying, and in its stead impart to our children valuable lessons in morality, self-esteem, character, responsibility, and interpersonal relationships.

Helping Your Child Deal with Death and Loss

Facing death is one of life’s biggest challenges. Inevitably, many children encounter experiences with death – ranging from the loss of a beloved pet to the loss of a beloved parent. How can parents help their child deal with death and loss?

Consider the following tips:

Children Handle Death Differently from Adults
Your child may act like everything is fine – he or she is playing with friends, chatting online, engaging in hobbies and after-school activities; everything looks “normal.” This is just the way children deal with trauma. In fact, traumatic events like life-threatening illness and death can be so overwhelming for children that they sometimes bury it deep inside themselves where it is locked away for later review – often decades later. Meanwhile, they carry on with life. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of psychic energy to keep deep feelings of fear, loss and grief buried inside. The child may become depressed, anxious, poorly behaved or highly distracted (see below). It’s much better if some adult can help the child deal with the feelings and let them out, little by little, so that there is no “pressure cooker” inside.

Types of Reactions to Loss
Some children react to death by “acting out.” This means that their behavior deteriorates. Again, they may seem to be unaffected by the death in that they’re not crying, they’re not acting sad or depressed, and they’re not wanting to talk about the death. However, they are getting into plenty of mischief at home and at school. If you notice this sort of behavioral change in your child, then professional counseling can help. Although the counselor may recommend cutting the child some slack for a short time, make sure that you do so ONLY for a short time (i.e. a couple of weeks). It is important to impose regular standards and normal structure for the child, including reasonable limits on behavior. Accept all of the child’s emotions, but not any of the child’s destructive, disrespectful or dangerous behaviors. Just because a child is distraught it is not O.K. for him or her to swear at people or destroy property or disregard the rules of the house. As parents step in to gain control of the situation, the child will actually begin to feel more in control as well. The limits can be reassuring, communicating that normal life does go on and the parents themselves are O.K. enough to do normal parenting. All of this helps the child to return to a normal baseline.

Some kids kids become very anxious after a death, suffering from bad dreams or nightmares, having trouble sleeping, developing fears of the future and phobias in the present and obsessing about the death, the dying process or the person who died. If your child develops intense fears that don’t clear up within a month, seek professional help. Sometimes these signs may be symptoms of a post-traumatic stress reaction that requires specialized treatment.

Children May Become Withdrawn After a Loss
Instead of acting OUT, they act IN – becoming sad and isolated. It’s fine to allow children some quiet time, a time in which to lick their wounds and slowly recover. However, if a child is still turning away from life several months after a loss, seek professional assessment. It may be that counseling can help speed the mourning process along and help the child return to his or her life.

Talk about It
Very often, kids will not initiate conversations about the loss. This does not mean that they don’t need to talk. It often means they don’t know HOW to talk about it or they’re afraid of causing the parent upset. Parents, therefore, need to try to initiate talk. If the child doesn’t want to join in, then give the child space. However, some kids will be very happy to have the input of their parents. You can talk a little (not too much, so as not to overwhelm the child) about your own sadness and loss, but be sure to show interest in the child’s feelings. “We’re all sad and missing Grandma. I used to talk to her every day and now I really miss that. How are you doing with it? It must be hard for you too.” This sort of sentence gives the child an opening. Some kids will take the opportunity to express anger. “Why did she have to die? I want her to be here with us!” Acknowledge the child’s pain BEFORE answering questions. “Yes, we’re all upset about it. We all want her here. I know how much you miss her. No one really knows why people have to die – it’s all part of God’s plan. For some reason we don’t understand, we can’t live forever here on earth. But when the body dies, the soul still lives and in that sense we never die… (explain death in whatever way you understand it).”

When you support your child through a grieving experience, your child learns that he or she can turn to others in times of crisis. This is a very important life lesson that helps to stress-proof your youngster.

Other Healing Strategies
Some children will cope better by drawing their feelings. In fact, there are art therapists who can help your child process grief and loss through artwork and this can be a very gentle and helpful process. Or, just have drawing time a couple of times a week and ask your child to draw his or her feelings on a blank page. It doesn’t matter whether the picture is “nice” or not – it is simply a channel for the expression of emotion.

Making a “memory book” of the lost person or pet can also be a helpful exercise. You can help the younger child and the older child or teen can do it independently. Stories, pictures, thoughts, photo’s – anything about the person or pet may be put in the pages of this special book designed to honor the departed one. It is common to cry and laugh while making such a book –  many feelings are released. The exercise is very healing and helps the mourner move forward, taking the positive aspects of the loved one forward with him or her.

Be Aware of Your Impact
Although grieving adults are often in too much pain to parent well, it is important to remember that your children are always watching you. Your reactions – at least the ones they can observe – teach them a lot about life and stress management. If you are too overwhelmed to function well, show them how you access professional help or family support. Let them know by your model, that you needn’t go through pain and deep stress alone. If you are so sad that you find yourself crying all the time, let the kids know that the tears are temporary and that they are your way of letting the sadness out of your body. If you are crying in front of them for more than two or three months, get professional help. Your intense emotion can alarm your kids and give them a feeling of helpless despair. Ideally, after the first few weeks, you can cry when the kids are in school or asleep or at other appropriate times. Keep in mind that people go to work after the death of a loved one and they are able to refrain from crying eight hours a day when they are being paid to function well. Functioning well at home is equally important as children are sensitive to and affected by their parents’ mood.

Consider Professional Support
If your child has changes in behavior that are of concern like chronic loss of or increase in appetite, intense behavioral problems or new behavioral problems, nervous habits, bedwetting, a new set of “bad” friends, suspicious behaviors, sleep disturbances, fears, low mood, new academic problems or any other behavioral or emotional symptom that worries you, get a professional assessment. Sometimes intense stress can trigger latent mental health concerns or cause complicated grief reactions that benefit from professional help. The sooner you can help your child, the sooner your child will return to normal functioning.

Grumpy or Abusive Upon Awakening

Parent: “Good morning, sweetie. Breakfast is ready – come get it before it gets cold!”
Child: “Get out of my room! “

Mornings can be quite stressful when you’re dealing with a grumpy child. Morning grouches can range all the from snappy and irritable to rude, mean and/or aggressive. They may be also be contrary, uncooperative or outright defiant. In many cases, they can spoil the day before it’s even started.

Sometimes morning grouches are totally pleasant people at any other hour of the day; sometimes they are the logical manifestation of a routinely negative temperament. Whether they are full time grumps or just morning grumps, parents need to know how to get them up and running.

What can parents do with children who are grumpy or hostile upon awakening? Consider the following tips:

Your Child Simply isn’t a Morning Person
It’s the same for children as it is for adults: some are night owls; others are morning people. Whether it’s innate personality, or an inborn biological clock, it may be best to understand that the youngster is “morning-challenged.”  It’s O.K. to accept some morning moodiness, but do not accept bad behavior – including rudeness, violence or any other unacceptable behavior. It’s O.K. if the child cannot greet you with smiles and sunny cheer. It’s not O.K. if the child is unpleasant or mean.

Consider Sleep Factors
Some children and teens are miserable in the morning because they are sleep-deprived. Sleep deprivation can occur as a result of too little sleep (going to bed too late), but it can also occur as a result of poor quality sleep (i.e. caused by sleep apnea or other sleeping disorders). If your child is going to sleep too late, take steps to make sure that he or she goes to bed earlier. However, if your child is going to sleep at the right time, consider speaking to your child’s doctor about the morning issues and ask for a sleep assessment. What you might have judged to be poor behavior might actually be a health disorder.

Make it Pleasant
In less drastic cases, the creation of morning rituals may be enough to ward off the morning grumps. Some children wake up stressed and/or anxious about the day ahead. Rituals are very soothing, especially for the very young. If you have a young child who has mood issues in the morning, perhaps charting a structured morning routine can help. Use your imagination and make it fun as well as easy to follow: songs, poems, and stories may help move the morning routine along. For school-age kids, read a couple of knock-knock jokes instead of offering the traditional “time to get up” notice.  Consider using a funny or fun alarm clock – this can work nicely for teens too. Or, use a graduated alarm clock that uses light and pleasant tones to gently awaken the slumbering child. Play the child’s favorite music on speakers. Keep the atmosphere light and positive. Spray the room with calming essential oils or – in the case of aggressive morning kids – Rescue Remedy spray. When your child does show any sign of improvement, make sure to offer acknowledgement, praise and even reward – you want to encourage him to continue to work in the right direction.

Use Discipline if Necessary
Some kids (and adults!) are rude in the morning simply because they can be. No one is stopping them. And yet, these same youngsters suddenly improve their ways when someone “lays down the law.” Showing a zero tolerance for morning abuse, backed up by appropriate consequences, can stop morning abuse in its tracks. Remember, you’re not asking your child to feel happy about having to get up in the morning; you are only demanding that the child act in a respectful manner no matter how tired, irritated or displeased he or she might be feeling. Use the 2X-Rule to structure a plan of discipline. The next time your child is verbally abusive or otherwise disrespectful in the morning, tell him or her the new rule: “It’s not O.K. to speak to me in an unpleasant tone of voice or to say unpleasant words because everyone deserves to be treated with respect at all times. If you are in a bad mood in the morning, that is fine, but you need to speak and act respectfully nonetheless.”  Then, when the child behaves inappropriately on another day, repeat the rule and add the warning of consequences to come. For instance, “If you are in a bad mood in the morning, that is fine, but you need to speak and act respectfully nonetheless. And from now on, when you behave this way, such & such consequence will occur.” Name a specific negative consequence (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice by Sarah Chana Radcliffe for more details about the 2X-Rule and for ideas about selecting age-appropriate consequences). On the third occasion of rudeness or lack of cooperation, apply the consequence. Use the same consequence as long as you are seeing improvement in the morning rudeness but, if after 3 or 4 times of using the same consequence there is still no improvement, change the consequence and try again.

Consult a Professional
If you have tried all these interventions and your child is still grumpy upon awakening, do consider speaking to your child’s pediatrician about the issue.

Wakes Up Too Early

Many young children rise with the sun – which can be way too early for their exhausted parents. Indeed, it is not unusual for a parent to be waking up several times a night to tend to an infant and then to have to deal with a toddler or pre-schooler who is up at 5:45 a.m. These little people often toddle into the parental bedroom asking for help in going to the bathroom or wanting to climb into bed or asking for something to eat or drink. Loveable as they might be, they are NOT who parents want to see at that hour of the morning.

If your young child wakes up too early for your liking, consider the following tips:

Try to Change Your Child’s Sleep Cycle
If your child currently goes to bed at 7:00 p.m. and wakes up at 5:30 a.m., try changing his or her bedtime to an hour or more later. In other words, keep the child awake (by whatever means you can devise!) until 8 p.m. every night. Since the child still needs the same number of hours of sleep in order to feel refreshed, chances are good that he or she will sleep in to a more civilized hour.

Something that might also help is blacking out the child’s room. Use heavy light-blocking blinds to prevent light from pouring into the child’s room. This might help the youngster stay asleep longer.

Teach Independent Skills
If your child gets up too early for you, teach him what to do until you awaken later. Make a rule that the child is NOT allowed to wake you up EXCEPT for those conditions that you establish. For instance, you might give the child permission to wake you to help him or her in the bathroom. However, after helping the child, YOU go back to sleep and the child engages in independent activities (that you establish beforehand). However, many children who wake too early are quite capable of taking themselves to the bathroom. If so, make sure that everything the child might need is ready for him in the bathroom. For instance, make sure the light is on, any potty or toilet seat is already prepared and a stool is in place for handwashing. Similarly, make sure that toys, games and even snacks are available for the child in his room in the case that he wakes before you. If you have a computer or similar instrument the child can use, have it charged up and ready-to-go with a tap of some chubby fingers. Insist that the child amuse himself in his room – or in another designated room. Under no circumstances is the child welcome in your room to play or eat. However, if the child wants to lie down in your room after awakening early, he can do that – on a small mattress on the floor without talking to anyone.

Once you establish your morning “rule,” you may have to use negative consequences to reinforce it. This means that you will have to warn the child that waking you up will result in a punishment for the child. For instance, you can say something like, “from now on, if you wake Mommy or Daddy up in the morning, you will not have your chocolate milk treat for breakfast.”  Pick some consequence you think will motivate the child to wait for you to wake up. Do not attempt to use anger to get your child to stay in his room or his bed; not only will it not work, but it provides a poor model of frustration control and pro-relationship problem-solving strategies. Simple rules with simple consequences are most potent and least harmful.

Alternatively, you may use positive reinforcement instead of negative consequences. Every morning that the child manages to entertain himself until you wake up earns the youngster a point. Let the child earn a few points and then trade the points in for a small prize. Then tell the child he now has to earn more points, but when he does succeed, he gets a bigger prize. Then tell the child he gets a point for each successful morning, but now needs even more points and will get an even bigger prize. End the period of practice with even more points that lead to a grand prize (something the child has long-wanted.) During this period, do NOT punish unsuccessful mornings: the implied punishment is the loss of the point for that morning, thereby delaying the opportunity to receive his reward.

Reduce the Payoff
When your child tries to wake you up in the morning, be careful NOT to give high quality attention. Don’t speak loudly. In fact, try not to wake up completely even if you have to tend somewhat to your child’s needs. Through your behavior, show your child that it is not time to start the day. If possible, stay in your bed and don’t even talk. If you must talk, whisper and say few words. Give minimal attention only. When it is wake-up time, however, do the opposite: give high quality, happy morning attention. Let the child see the difference between your sleeping state and your awakened state. Be patient, firm and consistent. Your child will soon catch on that early morning is not a time that you will be available to tend to his needs.

Biting

Everyone is challenged by frustration, viagra buy no matter what his or her age may be. Frustrated kids physically attack their siblings; frustrated teenagers talk back to their parents; and frustrated adults say and do all kinds of things they later regret. However, recipe no one except for toddlers has any excuse for engaging in hurtful behaviors! Toddlers lash out because they’re too little and too verbally challenged to handle their upset in more mature ways. Still, it is the job of parents to teach their small children both how to refrain from aggressive behaviors and also how to express anger in acceptable ways.

Frustrated Toddlers
The first lessons in frustration management begin when a child is just out of babyhood. Babies get frustrated due to fatigue, hunger, tummy upset, physical discomfort, wanting to be held and so forth. The only thing they can do about it is cry. Once a child learns a few words, he has a few more options. Instead of just crying, he can say things like “no want” or “want Mommy.” By communicating his or her needs, the child will be less frustrated and will be able to release a bit of the frustration that he or she encounters. As the toddler acquires a more elaborate vocabulary, it becomes more and more possible for him or her to reduce and relieve frustration.

However, the baby ways will still persist for a while as well. For example, frustrated toddlers will still sometimes be at a loss for words and just cry in frustration instead. Sometimes they will thrash about like earlier versions of themselves, flailing and stamping their feet. Often they’ll throw an item (a toy, some food or other object). Although these early expressions of frustration are normal in toddlers, parents still must intervene with “frustration education.” Even little kids can begin to learn to express their frustration in words.

Discovering that Biting “Works”
Many toddlers learn quite accidentally, that biting or otherwise hurting someone, is a particularly satisfying way to release feelings of helpless anger and frustration. At first, such a behavior is the product of desperation, adrenalin and infantile problem-solving skills. However, learning occurs rapidly when the toddler discovers the “power” of his or her violent action. The victim screams in sudden pain! The toddler realizes that he or she can actually use violence on purpose in order to communicate strong emotion.

Although many toddlers limit the use of their power to other people their size, they can and do also try it out on their caregivers. While they will sometimes attack teachers and babysitters, their favorite targets are often their parents. How should parents handle a biting/kicking/scratching/hurting toddler?

Helping Toddlers Stop Biting
Toddlers are too young for “real” discipline. Although some two-year-olds seem to understand the concept of negative consequences (i.e. “if you hit Mommy you’ll have to sit in a thinking chair”), most very small children do not really benefit from formal discipline. Discipline becomes more effective after around the age of 3. Even then, parents are just introducing the structure of discipline in tiny steps to these youngest candidates. Although many parents put a child in a crib for a few moments for biting, this strategy usually acts only to stop the present moment aggression. It is a “time-out” that  does virtually nothing to prevent the biting behavior in the future. Discipline that doesn’t “cure” the behavior is not discipline at all and should not be used (the word “discipline” means “to teach” – if the strategy is not teaching the child not to bite, there is no point in using it). However, there are always exceptions: if you’re child is biting less often because you have given him or her a time-out or another punishment, then your intervention IS working and you can continue to use it.

Most parents of toddlers will have to refrain from using discipline for biting and instead, address the misbehavior by managing attention. This means that a parent gives strong, positive attention to desirable behaviors and little or very mild attention to undesirable behaviors (like biting). (Distraction can also be used in these early years to simply steer a child away from undesirable or unacceptable activities that are not aggressive or hurtful.) There is a natural tendency, however, for parents to give LOTS of attention to undesirable behaviors. For instance, they may actually yell at a child who is biting. That yelling is an overdose of attention, sure to encourage lots more biting! Parents have to overcome their natural tendencies in order to restrain themselves when their youngster bites them, other adults or other children.

When Toddlers Bite Caregivers
It is essential that a child be stopped immediately from being aggressive toward his or her caregivers for several reasons. Parents must be seen as benevolent authority figures. This allows them to lovingly guide the development of their youngsters, teaching them right from wrong. A child must therefore learn early that he or she is not to attack the parent either physically or verbally. It is just as out-of-line to do so as it would be for an adult to attack a police officer physically or verbally! In addition, children need their parents’ affection in order to develop optimally. However, parents don’t tend to like their aggressive, violent youngsters as much as they like their cooperative, respectful ones. Teaching the child to be respectful is therefore in the child’s best interest – for this reason as well as myriad other reasons. The lesson begins right at the beginning; even small children are not permitted to behave obnoxiously. Of course, toddlers and pre-schoolers will all behave quite badly at times, but parents must step in and begin the process of gentle, but firm, loving guidance. It’s just not O.K. to bite parents, babysitters, teachers or other caregivers.

Toddlers can be discouraged from biting adults by experiencing the withdrawal of positive attention. Parents can display a strong differentiation between their normal, pleasant, kind, loving selves and their very displeased, uninterested self that comes forth when the child bites or hits. Thus, they may be playing happily with the child when something happens that causes the child to become violent. Now the parent looks seriously displeased, uses a very brief stern reprimanding “NO!” and quickly moves away  from the youngster. The parent should not engage in any sort of lecture or education (this actually provides too much attention for the misbehavior which can accidentally reinforce or encourage more of that behavior.) The parent should also not use a sing-song, soft voice, gently breathing out “no-o-o-o-o, don’t bite Mommy.” The voice must be short and firm (not angry). The facial expression should not be  friendly or gentle, but rather very business-like. This sort of “rejection” (really, more a temporary withdrawal of otherwise flowing positive affection) should not be used for other types of misbehavior, but only reserved for a child’s physically hurtful, aggressive actions (like biting). The trick here is to reserve the icy cold rejecting voice for this one behavior only. The child must immediately see that this is a behavior that the parent doesn’t like. It is essential that the contrast between this harsh face of the parent and the parent’s normal, regular, routine and consistent pleasant face be strong and clear. If the parent is routinely displeased, regularly irritated, often angry, etc., then there will be insufficient contrast to be able to effectively use this technique. Most toddlers who are used to a parent’s gentle, loving ways, will quickly learn to refrain from biting and hurting when this differentiation strategy is employed.

When Toddlers Bite Other Children
A similar use of withdrawal of attention can be used when a child bites another child. If the biting occurs in the school setting, parents should ask the teacher NOT to speak to the child about the biting behavior. Remember: one-on-one time with the teacher, intense direct eye-contact and a few minutes of speaking to the child all constitutes a highly reinforcing form of attention. With all that “quality time” with the teacher, the youngster is much more likely to bite again. Instead, the teacher should say only two words – “No biting” – and have the child sit in a time-out chair facing away from the classroom activity (i.e. facing a wall) for a couple of minutes. The other, non-biting children will be getting the teacher’s attention and the little biter will have lost a few minutes of attention.

The same sort of intervention can be used at home: everyone else remains “part of the scene” but the biting toddler is given the cold shoulder. As discussed above, the “thinking chair” can be used with children 3 years old and up.

If the toddler bites another child, the VICTIM should be given all the attention. The victim’s parent or caregiver should be given lots of apologies in the form of “I’m so sorry – we’ll be doing something about this after the play-date – we’re working on preventing this behavior.” If it is O.K. with the parent or caregiver, the victim can be offered a treat as compensation. Meanwhile the little biter gets virtually NO attention and certainly no treats! Minimizing words, eye contact and physical contact to a biting toddler is one way to strongly discourage the behavior in the future.

Frequent Biters
Consider Bach Flower Therapy for a child who frequently bites others. The remedies Impatiens, Cherry Plum, Chestnut Bud, Holly and Vine can be used. However, it is best to consult a Bach Flower Practitioner to create an appropriate, individually tailored remedy bottle that can help reduce the biting tendency in your toddler. You can find more information about Bach Flower Remedies online and throughout this site.

If your child is not responding to your interventions and is so aggressive that he or she is being “expelled” from nursery schools, then consult a mental health professional for further guidance.

Always Late

Some people are always late. Children, teens and adults can all be afflicted with the lateness syndrome. If you are always late, cure YOURSELF before trying to cure your child. However, if you’re a prompt parent dealing with an always-late child, consider the following tips:

There Are Many Reasons for Arriving Late
First, let’s differentiate between “excuses” and “reasons.” When a child says she was late for school because her alarm didn’t go off, she is giving an excuse. Blaming traffic, weather conditions, alarm clocks, losing things and so on does not actually explain late behavior – these are all excuses. A reason for lateness is a statement that actuallyexplains why the person is late. For instance, “I didn’t allow enough time for bad traffic conditions,” explains why traffic conditions caused the person to be late. There’s ALWAYS traffic conditions! Why does that make some people late while other people are still on time? Because some people allow enough time for things to go wrong and some people leave themselves no “wiggle room” for ordinary life events. Similarly, weather conditions happen all the time. Failing to allow for weather is what causes only some people to be late while others are still on time. In other words, people who arrive on time understand and utilize the principles of time management whether or not they are doing so consciously. They know that you have to allow for “unforeseen events” every time you make an appointment to be somewhere. If unforeseen events don’t happen, they’ll arrive a little early. They can prepare for that eventuality planning for it – bringing some reading material, handheld devices or whatever, to keep busy for a few minutes before the appointed time arrives. Chronically late people don’t want to wait. Therefore they leave at the last minute so that they’ll arrive “just on time.” This does not allow for the necessary “wiggle time” – they will be late a lot of the time.

There Are No Consequences for Arriving Late
If the school does not give detentions or other immediate punishments for being late, children may not feel that they need to be on time. Or, if the detention period isn’t unpleasant, then the child may not care that he or she received a punishment. Schools who are serious about having kids turn up on time, need to have serious consequences for failure to do so. Similarly, parents may need kids to be ready to leave the house at a certain time so that the parents can leave for work. Dawdlers and late risers can pose a threat to the parent’s job responsibilities. A child who causes the parent to be late because of his or her own slowpoke behavior, needs to suffer appropriate consequences. Use the 2X-Rule (explained in detail in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice by Sarah Chana Radcliffe). Tell the child that if he or she makes you late in the future then there will be a specific punishment (name what that will be). Be consistent in enforcing the negative consequence and be sure that the consequence you are choosing is a true deterrent for the child.

Consider Specific Disabilities That Make Time Management Hard
There are various neurological deficits that can make time management hard for a child. Some children just can’t accurately judge the passage of time. Twenty minutes may pass while the child experiences it as if only a few minutes went by. Or the child figures it will take her minutes to put on clothes and make-up whereas it never takes her less than 25 minutes for the task. Some kids can’t judge how long it will take to dress, eat breakfast, clean up and get ready for the bus, despite the fact that they must do it every day. Keep in mind that many adults have the same problem! If your child has conceptual difficulties around time, he or she will need extra help. SIt down with the youngster and ask him or her to make guesses of how long each task takes. The next day actually time each tastk. If the child is overor underestimated, discuss the differnces. Help the child make a more realistic schedule and have him or her check off the times that are actually required for each task. Close monitoring for a few days may reveal a few “leaks” in the system – just a couple of places where more time must be realistically allotted.

Accidental Reinforcement
Sometimes a child gets a lot of attention for being late. A parent might call him, scold him, encourage him, help him, and otherwise be all over him all morning long to make sure he is moving on time. This can be a lot of attention! Children sometimes enjoy all the “help” and attention they get from their parents around the issue of arriving on time. Even if this attention is unpleasant (scolding, reprimanding, threatening and punishing), the child might “enjoy” it, because negative attention is better than no attention at all. So be careful to check your own behavior to ensure that you are not talking to the child a lot in order to help him or her be ready on time. Stop the reminders, the assistance, the threatening and all the other attention. Go have your own breakfast and relax. The child will probably beg for attention in the beginning, so you must be firm in your resolve not to give it. After awhile, the child will realize that no more attention is coming and he or she will begin to act more normally.

Arrives Late

Does your child have a tendency to arrive late to his or her commitments? Whatever reason your child may have for tardiness, it’s important that as parents, you don’t take the behavior lightly. Occasional lateness can easily grow into a pervasive negative attitude about time and punctuality. The sooner you can wean kids out of a tendency for arriving late, the faster you can instill more appropriate behavior.

If your child has a tendency to arrive late, consider the following questions:

Is Your Child Motivated? 
Lack of motivation can be a factor in chronic tardiness. For example, a child who is always late for school may be a child who finds school boring, demanding or just plain awful. A child who is interested in the lessons and the classroom environment, on the other hand, can’t wait to get to class! If you feel that lack of motivation is behind your child’s tardiness, then consider ways to make things more interesting for them. It may be possible to arrange a meeting with teachers. Or it may be possible to give your child a reason to arrive early (i.e. more time to play with the new electronic device you just bought him).

Is Your Child Disorganized and Forgetful?
Consider the possibility that your child can use some help in arranging and systematizing his or her schedule. Not knowing where things are, forgetting appointments and schedules, and scrambling to get ready can all be causes for habitual tardiness. Get your child a calendar as well as a to-do list. Help him or her remember commitments through occasional reminders. And instill the habit of checking the night before if everything is ready for a trip. Adequate preparation can go a long way in cutting tardiness among young people.

Does Your Child Respect People’s Time?
Some children, especially teenagers, are prone to arriving late because they don’t value the time of the people they are about to meet. Perhaps they are confident that the other person will wait —- an event can’t start without everyone present, right? Or maybe they just don’t care if the people waiting for them get offended or annoyed. If this is the case, then it’s best parents teach children how important time is to a lot of people. In the same way that they don’t want their own time wasted, neither should they waste other people’s time.

Does Your Child Underestimate Preparation and Travel Time?
Some children are sincere in their desire to come on schedule. The problem is, they have a tendency to underestimate the amount of time it takes to prepare or to travel to a location. For example, they may feel that travel time is just 15 minutes when in fact it’s 30 minutes! If this is the case, then teach your child to be more realistic about their time projections. It would also help to always put a comfortable allowance when setting schedules to account for unexpected turn of events like heavy traffic.

Is Your Child a Conformist?
It sometimes happens that your every lesson on punctuality at home gets negated by a peer group who is always late. Kids don’t want to be the overeager beaver in class – it’s just not cool! If your child is developing a habit towards lateness due to peer pressure, then it’s best to teach him the importance of making decisions based on personal values. Peer pressure may feel very powerful, but it cannot overwhelm a child who values his own mind. Reinforce the positive side of being unique and living according to your principles.

Use Effective Rewards or Punishments
Show your child that YOU value promptness by rewarding prompt behavior or punishing lateness. In the “real world” people can lose their jobs for showing up late. At home, they can lose their privileges. In the real world, prompt behavior is acknowledged in positive work reviews and recommendations. At home, it can earn privileges. Put your money where your mouth is: show your child that you really care about time matters by backing up your words with your actions.

Defiant Behavior (ODD)

“I’m not eating that!”

“I can leave class anytime I want to. You don’t own me.”

“No. Make me!”

Do you have a child who is consistently negativistic, argumentative and hostile? Does it seem that every little issue in your household turns into a major battle? If so, you are probably exhausted! Parenting has turned out to be a struggle rather than the pleasure you expected it to be. And you are probably also confused – why is your child acting this way? Is there something you have done wrong? Or is there something wrong with your child?

There are  many reasons why your child may be this way, ranging from normal temperamental issues and  periods of intense emotional stress all the way  to various mental health diagnoses. In this article we will examine one possible cause of consistent defiant behavior: ODD – Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

Why Do Kids Misbehave?
Misbehavior is normal for any child; part of the natural developmental process involves testing parental limits. In addition, stress can make kids irritable and less able to control their behavior or their mouths. Sick, overwhelmed, hungry or tired kids disobey, talk back, argue or even deliberately trample parents’ authority. Sometimes, simple lack of knowledge or inexperience is the culprit behind misbehavior.

However, when a child defies authority regularly and consistently – across all situations and independent of other factors like stress, fatigue and so on – it is possible that he or she is suffering from a condition called Oppositional Defiant Disorder or ODD.

What Is Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a chronic, pervasive pattern of being uncooperative, defiant and hostile to authority figures like parents, teachers and most adults. ODD symptoms are far more intense than ordinary misbehavior, impairing a child’s ability to function well at home or school. Sibling relationships and friendships are also affected.

Children with ODD have frequent temper tantrums and other dramatic displays of displeasure, engage in excessive arguments with adults, constantly challenge or question rules, and deliberately attempt to annoy or upset other people. They’re also prone to blaming others and exhibiting vengeful behavior. Symptoms usually occur at both home and school. ODD most frequently  occurs along with other diagnoses such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), learning disabilities, mood disorders and anxiety disorders. ODD is estimated to affect 3 to 16% of the population of children and teens. It can manifest as early as a child’s toddler years.

What Causes ODD?
Experts point to a combination of factors including biological (e.g. an impairment on the area of the brain that manages impulse control and emotional management), social (e.g. harsh and punitive parenting techniques, stressful family transitions, difficulty relating with people) and cognitive (e.g. poor problem-solving skills, irrational thinking) issues. It is recommended  that interventions for a child diagnosed with ODD are also holistic, addressing the whole child.

What Can Parents Do?
If you suspect that your child may have ODD, consult a pediatric mental health professional for assessment, and if necessary, a treatment plan. Once a diagnosis has been made, there are strategies that parents can employ to help their child with oppositional behavior. Management of ODD may involve therapy, medication and behavior management programs to be carried out at home and school. Positive parenting styles have been found helpful as well in the treatment of children with ODD. In particular, taking the power struggle out of parenting can lessen the tendency for the child to fight authority. When parents don’t offer strong emotional reactions to provocation, kids lose interest in trying to provoke them. Parents of ODD children can take specialized parent education training.

Although many children with ODD will benefit significantly from medication, parents can also experiment with Bach Flower Remedies instead of or along with psychotropic medication. Behavioral and psychological interventions will still be required. The remedies Vine (for defiance and hostility), Chestnut Bud (for disregard for authority), Heather (for drama and the need for attention) and Cherry Plum (for loss of control) can be added together in one mixing bottle and offered 4 drops at a time, 4 times a day until the defiant behavior has significantly improved. You can find more information on Bach Flower Remedies online and throughout this site. Before starting your child on the remedies, note how many times a day he or she currently engages in tantrums and arguments. Record the child’s behavior for a month while the child is taking the remedies. If there is a positive effect, continue as is, but if no difference is noted, be sure to consult with your doctor and/or psychiatrist for proper assessment and medical treatment.

Child Won’t Go to Bed

There are some young children who can’t wait to get into bed at night – but they are few and far between! It is far more common for children of all ages to try to stay up later than their bedtime, whatever that bedtime might be. In fact, a lot of adults have the same problem! Everyone wants just a little more time to finish playing that game, reading that book, watching that movie or whatever. Maybe it’s not a bad thing – at least everyone who wants to avoid bedtime is excited about life and all that it has to offer!

However, there is one down side to all this wakefulness: daytime fatigue. Kids (and adults) who go to bed too late, often have trouble getting up in the morning and/or functioning well during the day. Physical health and emotional well-being also tend to suffer when there is long term sleep deprivation. As everyone knows, lack of sleep can cause irritability and impaired decision-making. All in all, a shortage of sleep cannot be recommended. Kids NEED to go to bed on time.

If your child isn’t cooperating with his or her set bedtime, consider the following tips:

Set a Realistic Bedtime According to the Unique Needs of the Child
Children – like adults – have varying needs for sleep. Some children and teens function best on 9 or 10 hours sleep, while others do very well on 7 or 8 hours. When a child can wake up on time in the morning with little struggle and function well during the day, maintaining appropriate focus, good health and a decent mood, then he or she is getting enough sleep. On the other hand, a child who can’t wake up in the morning, is always late due to sleeping in, is chronically ill, cranky and/or underfunctioning, and is simply not getting enough sleep. Specific health issues also impact on the amount of sleep needed. For instances, many kids with ADD/ADHD and other biological disorders seem to have more trouble settling down to sleep or staying asleep at night – they may do better with a later bedtime. Wake your child up at the same time every day – the time that is most appropriate for getting to school on time after getting dressed and eating breakfast. If your child does well, he or she is currently getting enough sleep. Therefore, continue with whatever bedtime you have established. If your child is struggling, create an earlier bedtime.

In setting an appropriate bedtime, try to find a time which is only a few minutes away from the child’s ability to fall asleep. For instance, if you set a 9 p.m. bedtime, your child should easily fall asleep somewhere between 15 and 30 minutes later. You may permit your child to read until he or she gets tired. You would establish “lights out” by 9:30. However, if you put your child to sleep at 9 and he or she remains awake tiil 10 or later (despite your “lights out at 9:30” policy), the bedtime is much too early. This is true only when you have been consistently waking the child at the same time every day (the ideal time for getting ready for school).

Be Consistent
Once you establish a reasonable bedtime, be sure to stick to it. Try not to change it except on very special occasions such as vacations or holidays.

Reduce Stimulation
Parents can help their kids go to bed by helping them to wind down for the night. Reduce the excitement available around the house about one hour before your child’s desired bedtime. This means implement rules like “computer is off one hour before bedtime” and “no movies or T.V. in the hour before bedtime” and “no snacks larger than a single non-caffeinated beverage an hour before bedtime.” Your goal is to help the child’s nervous system settle down. You might permit the reading of books or the doing of puzzles in the hour because these activities are both interesting and fatiguing. They involve mental work and therefore exhaust the mind after awhile.

Help Your Child Get Ready for Sleep
For children under 10, expect to spend 45min to an hour helping your child settle down to sleep using a daily sleep routine. This routine normally includes a bedtime snack, bath, teeth brushing, getting into pj’s, and story time or talking time. Depending on the age of your child, you may follow all this with a good night kiss and allow the child to read on his or her own for awhile longer (until “lights out”), or you may actually dim the lights and lie down quietly with the child for another 10 or 20 minutes until the child has drifted off to sleep, or you may sit in the child’s room with lights off until the child falls asleep.

Address Your Child’s Fears
Some children are afraid to sleep in their own rooms alone. Help your child to feel safe and comfortable by leaving night lights on, providing intercom, and/or comfort toys. The Bach Flower Remedies Aspen (for fear of the dark, monsters and ghosts) and Mimulus (for fear of robbers or being separated from parents) can be helpful. These can be purchased from any health food store. Two drops of each in a small amount of liquid (water, milk, juice, etc) given 4 times a day, can help erradicate night time fears. (See more on Bach Flowers in the Bach Flower article on this site.)

Use the CLeaR Method to Reinforce Cooperation
When your child is cooperative with any step of the bedtime routine, acknowledge this. “I see you got your pajamas on already!” or “You came right away when I called!” This is the “C” step of the CLeaR Method (“comment”). Use an appropriate label (the “L” step of the CLeaR Method). “That was so Speedy!”  “You’re such a good Listener!”  For settling into bed at the end of the routine, consider using a reward (the “R” step of the CLeaR Method). “Since you went to sleep so nicely, you can have your special cereal/muffins/T.V. program or whatever in the morning.” Learn how to use the CLeaR Method step by step in “Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice” by Sarah Chana Radcliffe.)

Create a Reward Chart for Younger Kids
If bedtime problems have been chronic or severe, more intense corrective measures can be taken. One such measure is the use of reward charts. Sit down with your child and design a reward-based program of encouragement. Design something that has an escalating system of points and rewards. For instance, if your child currently NEVER cooperates with bedtime, suggest that each struggle-free night earn a special small treat in the next day’s lunch or a special small privilege to occur after school the next day. As the child becomes more compliant, put him or her on a point system, having the child earn 2 points (one for each struggle-free night) and a larger prize (for instance – a $2.00 chocolate treat or gift at the dollar store). When the child can easily earn 2 points in a row, raise the bar: have 3 points be necessary for a prize – but again, the prize is better than the previous ones (for instance, a $3.00 treat or gift at the dollar store). Then have the child earn 5 points for an even better payoff (i.e $5.00 worth of goodies) and then 5 in a row (i.e. a special one-on-one outing with Mom or Dad), 7 points (a trip to the toy store to buy some small item) and finally – for the final GRAND PRIZE – 7 struggle-free nights in a row (which earns a fantastic gift or privilege that the child has long pined for).

Similarly, uncooperative pre-teens and teens can be positively encouraged to get into bed on time. Again, set up the “payoffs” with the youngsters themselves. Say something like the following, “I really don’t want to ask you to get to bed more than once in a night. I’d be willing to work with you to help you get out of the habit of delaying your bedtime. For instance, perhaps there’s some privilege or material object that could be an incentive. I know you’ve had your eye on that new (app, purse, digital whatever). I’d be happy to give you five (two, or whatever) dollars  for every night that you just go peacefully and promptly off to bed. In two weeks (or a month…) you’d be able to buy yourself that (whatever) from that money alone! Incentives do not have to be material objects. Work with your child to see what the child would find motivating. Using incentives is a jumpstart for changing the bedtime habits of your youngster – it is not meant to be a permanent way of life! Once the child is in the habit of going to bed on time and cooperatively, it’s just a whole lot easier for him or her to continue doing it.

Use Discipline if Necessary
If all the “nice” techniques haven’t led to improvement in bedtime cooperation, now is the time to use formal discipline. Display a “no-nonsense” attitude regarding the bedtime. After the child’s bedtime has arrived, follow the rule that the child may no longer call for you or leave his or her room (unless there is a true emergency). If the child calls out or leaves the bed, use the 2X-Rule. Tell the child, “you must stay in your room quietly once your bedtime has arrived.” When the child calls out or leaves the room, repeat the rule and add the warning of a negative consequence. This can be any consequence, but a good one for bedtime problems is “from now on, when you call out or leave your room, you will have to stand against the wall for (the number of minutes of the child’s age, minus 2). Then you’ll go back to bed. Each time you call out, you’ll have to stand against the wall again, but for 1 minute longer than before.” (If the child is 7 years old or older, the increases can be 2 minutes more each time). Normally, this cures the child’s bedtime issues within a couple of days. If the child refuses to stand against the wall, review the instructions for applying the 2X-Rule in the discipline section on this site (and in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice, by Sarah Chana Radcliffe ).

If you have picked a different consequence (i.e. “no cookies in your lunch tomorrow”), you will have to handle it differently. To begin with, consequences that occur “tomorrow” require waiting. Once the child has left the room and received the consequence, there is nothing more that you can do TONIGHT. The child may now wander around the house all night. This is because you only get to pick ONE consequence. If the one you picked is happening tomorrow, then you have to wait until tomorrow and then apply the consequence (and make sure that you DO apply it!). Use the same consequence at least 3 times before deciding whether or not it is effective. If after the third use, the child is still calling out or getting out of bed, you know that the consequence is not effective. Choose a different one and start again. See “Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice” by Sarah Chana Radcliffe for detailed instructions on how to create and employ negative consequences.

Refrain from Showing Anger or Irritation
Bedtime should be a pleasant time for a child. Try your hardest not to raise your voice in order to scare your child into bed at night. If, after trying all approaches, your child is still refusing to go to bed, consult a parenting consultant or psychologist for assistance. There can be complicating factors you are not aware of and/or more strategies to try.