Night Terrors

Does your child wake up screaming during the night? Sometimes nighttime screams are triggered by a nightmare, but sometimes they happen for no apparent reason. If your child is waking in fear or hysteria, always talk to your pediatrician. Allergies, health conditions, trauma and other issues may trigger nightmares. It is also possible that the child is suffering from Night Terror Disorder. We’ll look at this latter condition in more detail in this article.

What is Night Terror Disorder?
Night Terror Disorder may be diagnosed when a youngster awakens from sleep with a loud scream, intense fear, rapid breathing and sweating – without any recollection of a dream. The child will seem confused as to where he is, what time it is and what is happening in the present moment. The child usually has no memory of the frightening dream. He is unresponsive to attempts to comfort him, although he may “return to himself” a few minutes later.

Children experiencing Night Terror Disorder may get out of bed and act as if they are fighting. During an episode of night terror, children are not fully awake and it may not be possible to awake them. The average bout of night terror usually last less than fifteen minutes. People with night terrors usually only have one episode a  week.

Night terrors are much more common during childhood than in adulthood. Night terrors usually begin sometime during the age of 4-12 and most often disappear sometime during adolescence. This disorder is more common in boys than it is in girls and is not associated with any psychological disorders in children.

Treatment of Night Terrors
As long as sleep terror is not interfering with the child’s life then there may be no need for medical treatment – your doctor will advise you. Simply waiting quietly with the child for the terror to pass is usually the best intervention. For instance, a parent can lie down beside the child until the child is calm again and falls back to sleep. Although parents may feel distress seeing their child so distressed, it’s helpful to keep in mind that the child will actually have no recall of the event the next morning! Sometimes just giving the child a few days of extra rest (early bedtimes) and a calming routine is enough to end a cycle of Sleep Terrors. However, if sleep terror disorder persists and is interfering with the child’s life there are some steps that are suggested for parents to take such as: rearranging bedroom furniture to avoid injuries, taking the child for some for of psychotherapy or play therapy and, if so inclined, looking into alternative treatments that may be helpful. For instance, some children have responded well to acupuncture in the treatment of their Night Terrors.

Experiment with Bach Flower Remedies
Bach Flower Therapy is a harmless treatment that might be helpful. For instance, during an episode of Night Terror, spray Rescue Remedy into the child’s mouth or drop liquid Rescue Remedy onto his or wrists – it might help calm the child down. Also, see if giving the child a personal Bach mixture might help reduce the frequency of the episodes – if it has no effect, there is no loss apart from a small cost of the remedies. The remedies Agrimony, Cherry Plum, Impatiens and Rock Rose might be especially helpful.

Medical Treatment
It is possible that certain breathing disorders may contribute to the development of Sleep Disorder and these should be ruled out by a medical practitioner. When such a disorder is present, treating the breathing disorder will relieve the night terrors. In particularly severe cases of Sleep Disorder, medication may be employed. A common medication for example is diazepam – a sleep-inducing medication that can sometimes prevent sleep terror from occurring during sleep.

Child Swears

Swearing may be acceptable for “drunken sailors” but it is not a good communication technique in the home. Foul language is hurtful and insulting. Even if a person swears into the air because he stubbed his toe, it is still a very unpleasant sound in the house. It is unhealthy for the child who must listen to his or her parents swear at each other in anger. When an adult swears at a child it is not only offensive but also degrading and destructive to the child’s development. And when a child swears at a parent, it indicates a complete breakdown of the normal healthy boundaries between parents and children, some sort of grave dysfunction within the parent-child dynamic. In short, swearing is never a good way to communicate in family life.

How can parents encourage a “swear-free” environment? Consider the following tips:

Educate and Sensitize Your Child
Teach your child the importance and value of proper communication. Explain the crudeness of swearing and the reasons you don’t want it used in your house. The more the child understands about what is wrong with this form of communication, the more likely he or she is to respect your wish that this sort of language be avoided.

Consistently Reinforce a “No Swearing” Rule
Kids will tend to copy what they hear adults say or do. It’s almost impossible to discipline a child or teen who swears when Mom and Dad do the same. Ending a child’s swearing must therefore start with ending the parents’ swearing. If you’ve developed a habit of swearing when you hurt yourself or when you’re angry at someone, let your children know that you are “swearing off swearing!” Tell them that you are going to discipline yourself every time you swear until you’ve broken your habit of swearing. Your punishment could be anything you choose – donating money to charity, doing push-ups, or even writing out pages of lines every time you swear. Just pick something, let everyone know you’re doing it and then do it. Within a few short weeks, your should no longer be swearing and your child will be impressed.

Once you’ve properly dealt with your own swearing habits, tell the kids it’s their turn. You will now ask them to select an appropriate punishment for themselves (or choose one for them) that you will enforce whenever you hear them swear.

Mind Your Reactions When You Hear Your Child Swear
Children like attention and will engage in behaviors that bring them attention. Therefore, it’s essential NOT to give a lot of attention to swearing. If your child swears, go silent. Take time to calm down and think of what intervention you want to use to deal with this behavior. Remember: the more upset you show, the more you’re likely to hear bad language again. Stay cool.

For young children, those aged 5 and below, the best response to swearing is a calm “We don’t speak like that. Those are bad words. Please say it again properly.” Again, remain calm and collected.

For older kids, react calmly, slowly and quietly using the 2X-Rule (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice by Sarah Chana Radcliffe) – a gentle, but firm form of discipline. Essentially, you make a rule that swearing is not allowed. Then, when the child swears, you repeat the new rule and name a negative consequence that will occur in the future for swearing. Then, if it happens again, quietly and firmly apply the consequence.

Replace the Swear Word with Something That is More Acceptable
What if  your child uses swear words in everyday conversation? In this case, your child may not be swearing out of anger or for attention, but has simply become used to speaking in such a fashion. Ask your child to use an acceptable replacement word immediately after swearing. Constantly having to say the acceptable word helps the child’s brain select this word in the first place instead of the swear word. For instance, if the child has the habit of using a short expletive meaning “horse manure,” you can ask him or her to then say, “darn!” or “shoot!” or something similar. In this way, you are training a new, more acceptable habit.

When Your Child Comes Home Drunk

It is well-known that teenagers are in a stage of experimentation – they are exploring the world around them, the world of relationships and their own inner landscape. What feels right? What creates pleasure? What is meaningful? What relieves stress? What brings social, academic and personal success?

Somewhere along the way, most teens will encounter alcohol. Some will like what they find, indulging the substance more and more in order to gain social acceptance or psychic relief or both. Others will find that they don’t like the feeling that alcohol gives them and will move away from it toward other, healthier forms of stress relief and happiness. And some will find a small place in their lives in which to place consumption of alcoholic beverages – certain social situations like celebrations and other special gatherings. No matter what kids ultimately decide to do with alcohol, however, many will get drunk at least one time.  Some will do so accidentally, simply not knowing their limits. Others will do so intentionally. No matter how it happens, however, parents have to know how to handle the situation.

Below are some tips in handling a teenager who comes home drunk:

Stay Calm
There is such a thing as a “teaching moment.” This is a moment in which the child is calm and coherent and a moment in which the parent is also calm and coherent.  When either child or parent is not fully present due to overwhelming emotions (like anger, grief or fear) or impaired consciousness (i.e. not fully awake, drunk or stoned) no learning will occur.  In fact, talking to a drunken person is futile; alcohol significantly impairs comprehension and inhibition — your drunk teen doesn’t have the mental capacity to process your message, nor the ability to explain things properly. Therefore, when your child comes home drunk, wait until he or she sobers up before you try to deal with the issue. Let the child sleep it off – the best time to talk is likely to be the day after the incident.

Take the intervening time to settle your own nerves. You might be feeling alarmed, enraged, disappointed or otherwise extremely upset. Emotion, especially of an intense, hysterical or dramatic kind, will work against your goals. Remember – you shouldn’t be addressing the issue at all until you are calm enough for your child to be able to take you very seriously. This talk will be an important one – you don’t want to appear off-balance while you are trying to make important, life-impacting remarks. Staying calm, you help give your teen someone to take seriously, look up to and respect. You increase your power to provide education and guidance when you come across as a loving, concerned, firm, clear, knowledgeable and trustworthy adult. Try to get into that state before you hold a meeting with your teen!

Emergency Intervention
Do call your local emergency medical information line if your child’s state concerns you. You can describe your child’s behavior in the intoxicated state and if there is a concern, an ambulance will be sent out. It’s always better to err on the side of caution – there is no reason NOT to call and describe symptoms unless the symptoms are barely noticeable. However, sometimes a child is barely conscious. Sometimes he can’t stop vomiting. Sometimes he is experiencing alcohol poisoning. Unless you already know what to look for, make the call.

Appropriate Response
Even if you think it’s kind of “cute” or funny the first time your child comes home drunk, you should consider the importance of refraining from showing any kind of pride or pleasure in this behavior. Remind yourself that teens are very easily addicted and that addiction will bring them much suffering. Their careers, their relationships and their health can suffer serious negative consequences. Their drunken state can lead to their own or someone else’s death or permanent disability. A teenager may misread your cues, thinking that you are encouraging self-destructive behavior. Be careful to respond seriously and responsibly. Your child’s future is at risk. Everything you say and do at this critical time can have a life-long impact. Refrain from helping your child avoid current consequences of this particular episode – do not cover up. Help him to learn that there CAN be negative consequences. If nothing bad happened during this episode, then make sure you discuss with him at some point, what CAN happen when a person is drunk.

Know Where You Stand
Different parents have different rules on drinking; some demand total abstinence from alcohol, others allow drinking in moderation. Regardless of where you stand on the drinking issue, it’s important you address the situation of your teen coming home intoxicated. Alcohol is an easy drug to abuse. As previously stated, it can also be a dangerous drug leading to life-threatening accidents, legal problems and health problems. You might want to do some research to find out more about alcohol, the state of intoxication, addiction and other issues so that you can talk knowledgeably to your child. Inviting your child to do research WITH you might be even better! It’s best to create rules and guidelines that make sense in the light of the information you have about alcohol – such rules are more likely to be taken seriously by your child. Rules that “make no sense” tend to be defied by older kids. If you and your child do research together, you two can also formulate reasonable guidelines.

First Time Only
If this is the first time your child has come home drunk, education is the correct intervention. Punishment should be avoided. In fact, don’t mention negative consequences at all. If it happens again, however, make a rule that there will always be severe consequences for this in the future. The first two episodes are for education only – not punishment. All other episodes require heavy negative consequences (see the 2X Rule in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice by Sarah Chana Radcliffe).

Seek Professional Help if Necessary
If you think your child is already abusing alcohol habitually, or is at risk of becoming an alcoholic, contract a substance abuse counselor. Alcoholism is an incurable, progressive and fatal disease – it’s best  to intervene as soon as possible.

Confronting a Child Who Has Lied

Kids sometimes lie. They do so for many reasons (to avoid punishment, because of embarrassment, because of an overactive imagination and so on), but no matter why they do it, parents must know what to do to help them stop doing it. The way a parent confronts a lying youngster can make the difference between whether that child lies less or more in the future.

If you know or suspect that your child has been lying, consider the following tips:

Consider Your Child’s Motivation for Lying
Is your child lying in order to protect someone else (“Sarah’s parents don’t want her spending time with her boyfriend so I agreed to pretend that she and I were going to Karen’s house to sleep over.”)? Is he or she lying in order to avoid an unpleasant task (“No I don’t have any homework tonight”)? Is the lie designed to avoid punishment (“No I didn’t break the vase.”) Perhaps the lie is meant to avoid embarrassment (“Yes I passed all my subjects”).

Think about the possible reason for the lie BEFORE you confront the child. This can help you be more effective in using Emotional Coaching – the naming and accepting of the child’s feelings. Emotional coaching makes the child feel understood and accepted instead of defensive. It helps the child WANT to hear what you have to say and WANT to cooperate with you. Emotional coaching reduces defiance and deception. An example of emotional coaching for a child who wants to protect her friend, might be the following, “You’re a very good friend to Sarah and of course you don’t want her to get into trouble with her parents. I know you are trying to help her.”

After providing this kind of acknowledgment of her motivations and feelings, you can then go on to give instruction and correction: “The problem is that Sarah’s parents love her probably even more than you do and they make certain rules for her because they want to protect her. This issue is really between Sarah and her parents and it’s not right for you to get involved. Most importantly, Sarah is asking you to lie for her, which isn’t what a good friend does. Good friends bring out the best in each other and don’t encourage each other to become worse people. Sarah is asking you to harm your relationship with US in order to help her continue to defy her parents. I don’t think that this is fair of her to ask you, but you have to decide that for yourself. The only thing that we want you to know is that if you lie to us in the future, you will certainly erode our trust in you and that will not be good for your relationship with us. Right now we give you lots of privileges and free reign because we trust you –  but that could all change if you continue to be dishonest.”

Notice that this approach appeals to the parent-child relationship and also appeals to logic. The “punishment” implicit here is damage to the relationship. This approach works particularly well with adolescents. It is possible to combine Emotional Coaching with discipline, however, as might be appropriate for a child who lies about his uncompleted homework. “I know you don’t enjoy doing homework and I fully sympathize with you. It’s a lot more fun to play games on the computer. However, when you lie about completing your homework you may be compromising your grades and I don’t want that to happen. Therefore, in the future when I find that you are lying about the amount of homework you have you will lose computer privileges for 48 hours.”

Avoid Anger
One of the most common reasons kids lie is to avoid parental wrath. Often kids grow up and become adults who lie to their spouses because they expect – based on childhood experiences with their parents – that making mistakes can get them into BIG trouble. Encourage truth-telling by keeping your confrontations quiet, respectful and low-key. Effective discipline (like the 2X-Rule described in detail in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice) replaces the need for anger. You can use the 2X-Rule to give appropriate, moderate discipline when necessary. Consider the following example:

You discover that $100.00 is missing from your purse. You are certain your son took it because you see that he has a new gadget that he told you his friend bought for him as a gift and you know that this particular gadget costs around $80.00 – and you are pretty sure none of his friends would spend that kind of money on him. How do you get him to acknowledge what he did and make restitution? Not by getting mad! In fact, the madder you get, the more likely it is that your son will lie to you in the future in order to avoid your anger. Instead, you can follow these steps:

  • Speaking very quietly and slowly, refraining from drama or emotion, you confront him by saying something like, “I have good reason to believe that you took $100.00 out of my purse last week.”
  • If your son denies it, look him in the eye and very slowly repeat your statement with minor modifications: “It’s possible that I’m wrong – I didn’t have a camera rolling – but I’m fairly certain you took it. I put the money in the purse late Wednesday night, didn’t move the purse, and discovered it missing Thursday morning at sunrise, before anyone came into the house. Only God knows for sure what happened to it so I’ll just say this: If you did take that money, I’m going to assume it was a mistake and that  you will find a way to put it back in my purse some time over the next few  days and that  you’ll never do such a thing again. However, if you really didn’t take it, then I don’t want you to replace it. Just be honest with yourself and with me. I’ll assume that if you don’t replace it, you never took it to begin with and this is my mistake – for which I am apologizing in advance. However, if money ever goes missing from my purse again, the whole family will have to go for family counseling to discover what is going on in our house.

Do Not Trap a Child into Admitting the Truth
Suppose you just learned that your daughter lied to you about the location of a party she was attending. She knew that you didn’t want her to go to parties with certain kids and in fact, the party she wanted to go to was at one of those kid’s houses – so she gave you a different address. When a friend telephones for your daughter, she accidentally reveals the actual address of the party. Now you know for a fact that your daughter lied. When your daughter returns home, DO NOT play questioning games designed to trap her in her lie. For instance, let’s say she told you that the party was at Erica’s house. Do not do something like this: “How’s Erica? How’s her mom and dad? Were they at the party? Did you say hello to them for us?” and so on. Being sneaky with your kids just encourages them to be sneaky back to you!

Instead, be straight: “We know that the party was not at Erica’s house – it was at Ian’s place. You lied to us.” Continue with Emotional Coaching: “I guess you knew we wouldn’t be pleased and you felt you just had to go, so the only way to make it happen was to lie.” Continue with education and information: Do you think that we are trying to hurt you when we ask you not to go to parties with those kids? What do you think our motivation is? Do you think we are too protective?” Do not be hostile or sarcastic when asking these questions. You are simply trying to help your youngster think through what she has done. You want her to conclude that you love her and you are trying to help her. If she insists that you are well-intentioned but misguided (“You don’t know them Mom! Sure they drink too much, but they’re really nice and they don’t drive when they’re drunk so there’s really no problem!”), let her know that you cannot agree to allow her to do things you think are life-threatening, illegal or immoral. If she does these things, there will be negative consequences, but if she lies and does them, the consequences will be much greater. This method works only when the relationship between you and your child is a good one. If you are too strict, controlling or critical, your child will be more likely to defy you because there is very little to lose. If, on the other hand, you are loving, warm and positive, the child will not want to risk losing your affection and support and will be more likely to comply with your requests.

Avoid Excessive Punishment
Even when you have to discipline a child for lying, be careful to choose moderate negative consequences. Always warn the child before giving a punishment (“From now on, if I find that you have lied, such & such consequence will occur.”). Punishments that are too intense are more likely to backfire, causing the child to lie more in the future in order to avoid harsh punishments (see “Avoid Anger” above for a similar problem). For a selection of reasonable punishments, see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice.

When There is a Chronic Pattern of Lying
If you find that your child is lying frequently rather than on rare occasions, your child has a problem that requires your attention. Again, anger and upset on your part will be counterproductive – destructive instead of helpful. Instead, express sadness that there is a serious problem. (“It seems that you don’t feel comfortable being honest with me. I can see we have a serious problem here that we have to address.”) Arrange for professional assistance in the form of family counselling. A therapist can help help discover the reasons for a child’s persistent dishonesty and develop an effective treatment plan.

Discovering That Your Child is Bullying Others

Everyone knows that bullying is a big problem in schoolyards and communities. However, health if it IS a big problem, search it means that there are a lot of bullies out there. It also means that a lot of parents have children who are bullies! Most of these parents are kind and reasonable people, order people who are shocked and dismayed when they discover that their child is a bully. They are also truly confused: how did this happen? How could their own child fail to absorb their values of respecting and caring for others?

If you have been informed that your child has been intimidating, scaring or hurting other children, consider the following tips:

Keep Perspective
Hearing that your child has been aggressive – and maybe even violent— tends to evoke a lot of strong feelings. There’s often anger, grief, embarrassment and shame – especially in front of the victim’s parents; there might also be confusion, guilt and maybe a little self-blame. It’s best to take time to process these intense emotions and really important NOT to try to deal with your child while you are still feeling very overwhelmed and/or very upset. If you confront your child at the height of emotion, you risk aggravating the situation and possibly even making the bullying behavior worse!

While you are calming down, consider the silver lining in this cloud: you have been made aware of a problem that needs healing attention. Often, bullying is a symptom of a bigger problem. It can be that your child has been victimized and is acting out his or her own pain. It might also be a symptom of a problem in your family that really needs corrective attention. Sometimes something in the child’s biology or psychology needs therapy. Take the current crisis as an opportunity to diagnose what is not working in your child and/or your family.

Look for Anger
Bullying is usually a symptom of a child’s repressed anger. If you find out that your child is a bully, try to determine if your child is angry and/or needs help managing anger.

Note that even young kids do experience anger. If they feel powerless against a parent or a sibling, they are likely to nurture a lot of resentment. If they are being bullied by bigger bullies, then they might be seeking revenge on people they can control. Children can also be angry about the “cards” that life has dealt them: experiencing difficult circumstances such as chronic illness, disability or death in the family, financial problems, separation or divorce, or other challenges and this anger can be unfairly directed at vulnerable people. This is even more likely when the child’s pain has not yet been identified or addressed by parents or professionals.

Look for Role Models
If your child is bullying others you might also look into the influences that might be feeding this behavior. Sometimes kids learn to bully by becoming friendly with bullies or even admiring a popular crowd of bullies in their school or neighborhood. Sometimes they learn it in the home, as older kids or even parents use “strong arm” techniques to get their way with them or other members of the family. Sometimes T.V., movies, computer games or other media can make rough behavior seem permissible or even positive in some way. If you see that your child is spending time in the presence of aggressive models, take steps to improve his environment and what he’s exposed to.

Seek Professional Consultation
Unless this is the first time your child has been accused of bullying behavior and unless that behavior is the most mild form of bullying (i.e. being a bystander when another child is acting aggressive), do consider involving a mental health professional. A little prevention can go a long way. Have the professional provide an assessment of the problem and make recommendations for the best treatment. If it is appropriate, have the professional provide therapy as well. Nipping this kind of behavior in the bud can help your child lead a happier and more successful life.

Take Other Steps to Address the Problem
If the bullying is new and minor, consider using Bach Flower Therapy. The Bach remedy Vine can often reduce the bullying tendency in children as well as adults. Four drops four times a day in liquid can be given until the behavior is no longer an issue.

Bach Flowers can also be used when other steps are also being taken – such as counseling, anger management programs, behavior management programs or other interventions that your child might benefit from. You can find more information about Bach Flower Remedies online and throughout this site.

You might also want to arrange a bit of family counseling or marital counseling. It’s important to offer the best model possible for your kids. If you or your spouse tends to be very strong in parenting or marriage communications, your child may be acting out or copying your style. Professional help can speed recovery along, although if you and  your partner are motivated, self-help videos, books and classes can help bring your family to a higher level of emotional well-being while reducing conflict, anger and aggression, improving relationships and enhancing empathy.

Continue to Monitor Progress
Let your child know that bullying is completely unacceptable and will always be addressed through every possible means, be it education, communication, discipline, therapy or any other form of intervention. Show your youngster that this is a behavior you take seriously and want to help, not only because you object to it on moral grounds, but mostly because you know your child will never be happy as long as he or she feels the need to hurt other people.

Child Gets Angry During Discipline

Parenting experts agree that the goal of discipline is not reprimand or punish, but to help children learn what is expected of them with regards to healthy, safe, and socially and morally appropriate behavior. This is the reason why anger really has no place in discipline; anger has nothing to do with teaching. But what if it’s your child who can’t control his or her anger during moments of discipline? Even a calm and patient parent will often be challenged by a child seething with rage.

If your child tends to get very angry when you discipline him or her, consider the following tips:

Call For a Time-Out
There is no law that discipline must happen in the moment of misbehavior – in fact, when a child is too upset to be receptive, discipline can be counterproductive – not only useless, but possibly even destructive. It is essential that neither parent nor child be upset at the time of discipline. Instead, let the discipline wait until an appropriate “teaching moment” – a time when everyone is calm. It doesn’t matter if this teaching moment occurs minutes or hours or even days after the original misconduct. Your goal is to be effective, not prompt.

If you sense that your child is too angry to listen to anything that you have to say, or too emotional to process his or her own behavior, you can call for a time out. “I can see that you are very upset right now. Why don’t we take a break to calm down? We can talk about this tomorrow.”  Waiting can be a wiser choice that forcing an issue right away. Who knows, your child’s perspective about an event can change with a good night’s rest! He might wake up in the morning seeing it YOUR way even before you approach him.

Practice De-Escalation Techniques
In some cases, you will be able to help your child de-escalate in the upset moment. There are many calming techniques that parents can use in situations when kids become very angry. One way is to use “emotional coaching” – name and accept the child’s anger, and open the floor for venting. Consider the following:

Child: You never let me have any fun! Other kids get to go to the playground today. You’re the only one who said no. You’re so mean!

Parent: I can see that you’re very angry about this. And I understand – it’s very upsetting if you think everyone is going to the park except you. You’re mad at Mommy.

Allowing kids to have their feelings is a good way to help them process and release anger before trying to talk about misbehavior. Another de-escalation technique is to speak slowly in a soft and gentle tone, helping to draw the child’s emotional wavelength to a quieter, calmer place. A different kind of de-escalation technique altogether is to use the Bach Flower mixture called Rescue Remedy (you can find more information about Bach Flower Remedies and Rescue Remedy online and throughout this site). When a child is out-of-control with rage, spraying a bit of Rescue Remedy every couple of minutes on his arm or even right into his mouth can rapidly help restore him to calm. If you decide to use Rescue Remedy, only employ it if you have already explained its use to your child in a calm moment so that it won’t feel like some sort of “attack!”  If you want, you can also experiment with a technique that some parents have found helpful – use this one only if you and your child are used to joking around in better times – throw yourself down on the floor and do a good imitation of what the child is doing; many children will stop their tantrum and laugh at the antics of the parent.

Know Your Child’s Triggers
Sometimes a parent’s behavior actually TRIGGERS a child’s rage. It might be worthwhile to consider your own words and actions during moments of discipline. For instance, your own shouting might trigger a disrespectful comeback from the child. Perhaps your words are taunting or provocative. Perhaps you are steamrolling – frustrating and overwhelming your youngster with your verbiage. Maybe you are being stubborn, close-minded or unreasonable. Maybe your punishments are unfair or outrageous. Ask your spouse, other kids or a professional to help you figure this out.

Teach Your Child How to Express Upset Properly
Keep in mind that a child is entitled to feel unhappy during discipline. What’s important is that he or she knows how to express upset and anger appropriately – safely and respectfully. You can permit your child to express frustration and upset – just be sure to teach him or her how to do it. Teach your child what you expect of him or her, following the steps outlined in “The Relationship Rule” in the book Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice by Sarah Chana Radcliffe.

Extreme Misbehavior – Conduct Disorder

Even before stepping into high school, John had already accumulated a laundry list of offenses. He had been involved in bullying, vandalism, fire setting, stealing, and fighting, among other aggressive or illegal activities. As if these antisocial behaviors weren’t enough, John also had other issues like abusing alcohol and prescription drugs, and threatening his parents with violence.  At 14, he was arrested for assault, and placed in a juvenile correction facility.

John has Conduct Disorder, a mental health condition believed to affect 3-10% of American children and adolescents. Conduct Disorder or CD is characterized by persistent patterns of antisocial behavior, behavior that violates the rights of others and breaks rules and laws. While most kids have natural tendencies towards episodes of lying, belligerence and aggression, children and teenagers with Conduct Disorder exhibit chronic and inflexible patterns of gross misbehavior and violence. Conduct Disorder is a serious disorder of behavior and not simply an overdose of the sort of ordinary mischief or misbehavior that all children get into. It is characterized by repetitive, consistent antisocial behavior that is not responsive to normal parenting interventions.

Conduct Disorder manifests in aggression to people and animals, destruction of property, deceitfulness or theft, and serious violations of rule such as running away, using dangerous weapons, skipping school and classes, ignoring curfews and so on. Symptoms cause severe impairment in the child’s personal, academic or social life. Conduct Disorder occurs more often among males than among females and usually coexists with other mental health conditions such as substance abuse, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ADHD, learning disorders, and depression.

What it’s Like for Parents
Conduct Disorder poses one of the greatest sources of grief and stress among parents. Symptoms can start out looking relatively normal, involving “misbehavior” such as chronic arguments with parents, disobedience and even hyperactivity. But as time goes by the gravity of the symptoms tend to escalate, alongside with their frequency. Temper tantrums can become actual episodes of violence and assault; lying to parents can become stealing from friends and classmates; and lack of respect for privacy at home can become breaking and entering somebody else’s home. Conduct Disorders can lead to cases of rape and sexual abuse, even homicide. If left untreated, Conduct Disorders can evolve into the adult disorder known as Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Receiving calls from teachers, principals and even the local police station, are common occurrences for parents of conduct disordered children and teens. Usually, there are many fruitless attempts to discipline or moderate a child’s behavior. Even counseling is insufficient because the biological nature of the disorder necessitates medical treatment as well. Because kids and teens with Conduct Disorder  suffer from a lack of empathy and emotional responsiveness, parents rarely get through to their child on their own.

What can Parents Do?
The good news is that there is hope for treating Conduct Disorders, and many programs have been found effective in both managing symptoms and restoring functionality. However, treatment is usually slow and complex. Indeed, Conduct Disorder is one of the most difficult behavioral disorders to treat. Recovery generally requires time and a combination of many different treatment approaches including different types of therapy, education, behavioral interventions and medications.

What can Help?
Early intervention helps increase the likelihood of successful treatment, which is why parents should act promptly when they notice antisocial behavior in their children. CD often begins as ODD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder, a condition characterized by lack of respect for authority. Lack of empathy is also a risk factor, alongside a family history of antisocial and/or criminal behavior.

As part of a comprehensive treatment program, traditional counseling and therapy interventions can go a long way, particularly those that aims to teach positive social skills such as communication, empathy and conflict management. Emotional management techniques, such as anger management interventions can also help. Sensitivity training, especially those at residential camps where kids and teens can interact with peers (and sometimes animals like horses), have also been known to be effective.

Parents are also encouraged to join family therapy sessions and Parent Management Training or PMT. Family therapy can surface systemic factors that cause and reinforce antisocial behavior in children. Family therapy can also help parents establish more effective forms of guidance and discipline, and teach parents how to respond to disruptive and defiant behaviors.

Because of the biological factor in Conduct Disorders, getting pharmacological help is important as well. A psychiatrist can help plan the appropriate drug therapy for a child or teenager with Conduct Disorder. In addition, a psychiatrist can help manage the child’s overall program of therapy and specific interventions. Sometimes the best source of help for children with Conduct Disorder is a specialized children’s mental health treatment center where many different types of professionals offer services under one roof and the child’s program can be coordinated through one department. Ask your doctor for a referral to such a center for diagnosis and treatment of your child.

Biting

Everyone is challenged by frustration, viagra buy no matter what his or her age may be. Frustrated kids physically attack their siblings; frustrated teenagers talk back to their parents; and frustrated adults say and do all kinds of things they later regret. However, recipe no one except for toddlers has any excuse for engaging in hurtful behaviors! Toddlers lash out because they’re too little and too verbally challenged to handle their upset in more mature ways. Still, it is the job of parents to teach their small children both how to refrain from aggressive behaviors and also how to express anger in acceptable ways.

Frustrated Toddlers
The first lessons in frustration management begin when a child is just out of babyhood. Babies get frustrated due to fatigue, hunger, tummy upset, physical discomfort, wanting to be held and so forth. The only thing they can do about it is cry. Once a child learns a few words, he has a few more options. Instead of just crying, he can say things like “no want” or “want Mommy.” By communicating his or her needs, the child will be less frustrated and will be able to release a bit of the frustration that he or she encounters. As the toddler acquires a more elaborate vocabulary, it becomes more and more possible for him or her to reduce and relieve frustration.

However, the baby ways will still persist for a while as well. For example, frustrated toddlers will still sometimes be at a loss for words and just cry in frustration instead. Sometimes they will thrash about like earlier versions of themselves, flailing and stamping their feet. Often they’ll throw an item (a toy, some food or other object). Although these early expressions of frustration are normal in toddlers, parents still must intervene with “frustration education.” Even little kids can begin to learn to express their frustration in words.

Discovering that Biting “Works”
Many toddlers learn quite accidentally, that biting or otherwise hurting someone, is a particularly satisfying way to release feelings of helpless anger and frustration. At first, such a behavior is the product of desperation, adrenalin and infantile problem-solving skills. However, learning occurs rapidly when the toddler discovers the “power” of his or her violent action. The victim screams in sudden pain! The toddler realizes that he or she can actually use violence on purpose in order to communicate strong emotion.

Although many toddlers limit the use of their power to other people their size, they can and do also try it out on their caregivers. While they will sometimes attack teachers and babysitters, their favorite targets are often their parents. How should parents handle a biting/kicking/scratching/hurting toddler?

Helping Toddlers Stop Biting
Toddlers are too young for “real” discipline. Although some two-year-olds seem to understand the concept of negative consequences (i.e. “if you hit Mommy you’ll have to sit in a thinking chair”), most very small children do not really benefit from formal discipline. Discipline becomes more effective after around the age of 3. Even then, parents are just introducing the structure of discipline in tiny steps to these youngest candidates. Although many parents put a child in a crib for a few moments for biting, this strategy usually acts only to stop the present moment aggression. It is a “time-out” that  does virtually nothing to prevent the biting behavior in the future. Discipline that doesn’t “cure” the behavior is not discipline at all and should not be used (the word “discipline” means “to teach” – if the strategy is not teaching the child not to bite, there is no point in using it). However, there are always exceptions: if you’re child is biting less often because you have given him or her a time-out or another punishment, then your intervention IS working and you can continue to use it.

Most parents of toddlers will have to refrain from using discipline for biting and instead, address the misbehavior by managing attention. This means that a parent gives strong, positive attention to desirable behaviors and little or very mild attention to undesirable behaviors (like biting). (Distraction can also be used in these early years to simply steer a child away from undesirable or unacceptable activities that are not aggressive or hurtful.) There is a natural tendency, however, for parents to give LOTS of attention to undesirable behaviors. For instance, they may actually yell at a child who is biting. That yelling is an overdose of attention, sure to encourage lots more biting! Parents have to overcome their natural tendencies in order to restrain themselves when their youngster bites them, other adults or other children.

When Toddlers Bite Caregivers
It is essential that a child be stopped immediately from being aggressive toward his or her caregivers for several reasons. Parents must be seen as benevolent authority figures. This allows them to lovingly guide the development of their youngsters, teaching them right from wrong. A child must therefore learn early that he or she is not to attack the parent either physically or verbally. It is just as out-of-line to do so as it would be for an adult to attack a police officer physically or verbally! In addition, children need their parents’ affection in order to develop optimally. However, parents don’t tend to like their aggressive, violent youngsters as much as they like their cooperative, respectful ones. Teaching the child to be respectful is therefore in the child’s best interest – for this reason as well as myriad other reasons. The lesson begins right at the beginning; even small children are not permitted to behave obnoxiously. Of course, toddlers and pre-schoolers will all behave quite badly at times, but parents must step in and begin the process of gentle, but firm, loving guidance. It’s just not O.K. to bite parents, babysitters, teachers or other caregivers.

Toddlers can be discouraged from biting adults by experiencing the withdrawal of positive attention. Parents can display a strong differentiation between their normal, pleasant, kind, loving selves and their very displeased, uninterested self that comes forth when the child bites or hits. Thus, they may be playing happily with the child when something happens that causes the child to become violent. Now the parent looks seriously displeased, uses a very brief stern reprimanding “NO!” and quickly moves away  from the youngster. The parent should not engage in any sort of lecture or education (this actually provides too much attention for the misbehavior which can accidentally reinforce or encourage more of that behavior.) The parent should also not use a sing-song, soft voice, gently breathing out “no-o-o-o-o, don’t bite Mommy.” The voice must be short and firm (not angry). The facial expression should not be  friendly or gentle, but rather very business-like. This sort of “rejection” (really, more a temporary withdrawal of otherwise flowing positive affection) should not be used for other types of misbehavior, but only reserved for a child’s physically hurtful, aggressive actions (like biting). The trick here is to reserve the icy cold rejecting voice for this one behavior only. The child must immediately see that this is a behavior that the parent doesn’t like. It is essential that the contrast between this harsh face of the parent and the parent’s normal, regular, routine and consistent pleasant face be strong and clear. If the parent is routinely displeased, regularly irritated, often angry, etc., then there will be insufficient contrast to be able to effectively use this technique. Most toddlers who are used to a parent’s gentle, loving ways, will quickly learn to refrain from biting and hurting when this differentiation strategy is employed.

When Toddlers Bite Other Children
A similar use of withdrawal of attention can be used when a child bites another child. If the biting occurs in the school setting, parents should ask the teacher NOT to speak to the child about the biting behavior. Remember: one-on-one time with the teacher, intense direct eye-contact and a few minutes of speaking to the child all constitutes a highly reinforcing form of attention. With all that “quality time” with the teacher, the youngster is much more likely to bite again. Instead, the teacher should say only two words – “No biting” – and have the child sit in a time-out chair facing away from the classroom activity (i.e. facing a wall) for a couple of minutes. The other, non-biting children will be getting the teacher’s attention and the little biter will have lost a few minutes of attention.

The same sort of intervention can be used at home: everyone else remains “part of the scene” but the biting toddler is given the cold shoulder. As discussed above, the “thinking chair” can be used with children 3 years old and up.

If the toddler bites another child, the VICTIM should be given all the attention. The victim’s parent or caregiver should be given lots of apologies in the form of “I’m so sorry – we’ll be doing something about this after the play-date – we’re working on preventing this behavior.” If it is O.K. with the parent or caregiver, the victim can be offered a treat as compensation. Meanwhile the little biter gets virtually NO attention and certainly no treats! Minimizing words, eye contact and physical contact to a biting toddler is one way to strongly discourage the behavior in the future.

Frequent Biters
Consider Bach Flower Therapy for a child who frequently bites others. The remedies Impatiens, Cherry Plum, Chestnut Bud, Holly and Vine can be used. However, it is best to consult a Bach Flower Practitioner to create an appropriate, individually tailored remedy bottle that can help reduce the biting tendency in your toddler. You can find more information about Bach Flower Remedies online and throughout this site.

If your child is not responding to your interventions and is so aggressive that he or she is being “expelled” from nursery schools, then consult a mental health professional for further guidance.

Defiant Behavior (ODD)

“I’m not eating that!”

“I can leave class anytime I want to. You don’t own me.”

“No. Make me!”

Do you have a child who is consistently negativistic, argumentative and hostile? Does it seem that every little issue in your household turns into a major battle? If so, you are probably exhausted! Parenting has turned out to be a struggle rather than the pleasure you expected it to be. And you are probably also confused – why is your child acting this way? Is there something you have done wrong? Or is there something wrong with your child?

There are  many reasons why your child may be this way, ranging from normal temperamental issues and  periods of intense emotional stress all the way  to various mental health diagnoses. In this article we will examine one possible cause of consistent defiant behavior: ODD – Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

Why Do Kids Misbehave?
Misbehavior is normal for any child; part of the natural developmental process involves testing parental limits. In addition, stress can make kids irritable and less able to control their behavior or their mouths. Sick, overwhelmed, hungry or tired kids disobey, talk back, argue or even deliberately trample parents’ authority. Sometimes, simple lack of knowledge or inexperience is the culprit behind misbehavior.

However, when a child defies authority regularly and consistently – across all situations and independent of other factors like stress, fatigue and so on – it is possible that he or she is suffering from a condition called Oppositional Defiant Disorder or ODD.

What Is Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a chronic, pervasive pattern of being uncooperative, defiant and hostile to authority figures like parents, teachers and most adults. ODD symptoms are far more intense than ordinary misbehavior, impairing a child’s ability to function well at home or school. Sibling relationships and friendships are also affected.

Children with ODD have frequent temper tantrums and other dramatic displays of displeasure, engage in excessive arguments with adults, constantly challenge or question rules, and deliberately attempt to annoy or upset other people. They’re also prone to blaming others and exhibiting vengeful behavior. Symptoms usually occur at both home and school. ODD most frequently  occurs along with other diagnoses such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), learning disabilities, mood disorders and anxiety disorders. ODD is estimated to affect 3 to 16% of the population of children and teens. It can manifest as early as a child’s toddler years.

What Causes ODD?
Experts point to a combination of factors including biological (e.g. an impairment on the area of the brain that manages impulse control and emotional management), social (e.g. harsh and punitive parenting techniques, stressful family transitions, difficulty relating with people) and cognitive (e.g. poor problem-solving skills, irrational thinking) issues. It is recommended  that interventions for a child diagnosed with ODD are also holistic, addressing the whole child.

What Can Parents Do?
If you suspect that your child may have ODD, consult a pediatric mental health professional for assessment, and if necessary, a treatment plan. Once a diagnosis has been made, there are strategies that parents can employ to help their child with oppositional behavior. Management of ODD may involve therapy, medication and behavior management programs to be carried out at home and school. Positive parenting styles have been found helpful as well in the treatment of children with ODD. In particular, taking the power struggle out of parenting can lessen the tendency for the child to fight authority. When parents don’t offer strong emotional reactions to provocation, kids lose interest in trying to provoke them. Parents of ODD children can take specialized parent education training.

Although many children with ODD will benefit significantly from medication, parents can also experiment with Bach Flower Remedies instead of or along with psychotropic medication. Behavioral and psychological interventions will still be required. The remedies Vine (for defiance and hostility), Chestnut Bud (for disregard for authority), Heather (for drama and the need for attention) and Cherry Plum (for loss of control) can be added together in one mixing bottle and offered 4 drops at a time, 4 times a day until the defiant behavior has significantly improved. You can find more information on Bach Flower Remedies online and throughout this site. Before starting your child on the remedies, note how many times a day he or she currently engages in tantrums and arguments. Record the child’s behavior for a month while the child is taking the remedies. If there is a positive effect, continue as is, but if no difference is noted, be sure to consult with your doctor and/or psychiatrist for proper assessment and medical treatment.

Help Your Child Manage Anger

Anger is one of the most destructive emotions; people who have difficulty managing their anger can end up hurting others and themselves. As adults, they can destroy their most important relationships – those with spouses and children. Parents can help their kids have lifelong satisfying relationships by helping them to find healthy ways to deal with anger. In addition, when parents provide their kids with anger management tools, parenting itself becomes easier and more pleasant. On the other hand, when free range is given to angry outbursts, temper tantrums and rage, family life becomes very stressful. Moreover, children who are allowed to vent their rage not only scare their siblings and their parents, but they also frighten themselves. Their out-of-control behavior leaves them feeling emotionally out of control as well. For all these reasons, parents will want to help their kids deal effectively with inevitable provocative and upsetting situations.

The following are some tips on how parents can help children manage their anger:

Anger is Not Always Loud
It’s important that parents know how to recognize anger. Some expressions of anger are obvious and easy to spot. For example, raising one’s voice, banging hands on a table, and kicking the trash can are external and explosive ways of dealing with anger. But there are also more hidden and subtle expressions of the emotion. Passive-aggressiveness, depression and sarcasm can be signs of anger that are more internalized. If parents know how their child expresses his or her anger, then they can shape their interventions appropriately.

Model How to Handle Anger Well
Parents are in the best position to teach kids about anger during discipline. When offering negative feedback, correction or any type of guidance to a child (including giving negative consequences for misbehavior), show that you have control of your anger — even if you are really upset. If children can see that there are assertive (polite yet firm) ways of expressing anger, they will use them themselves. When you find yourself getting angry at a child, model the entire process of calming yourself down. For instance, tell the child, “I am getting frustrated. I need to calm myself down before I say anything more about this. I’m going to the kitchen to get a big glass of water and I’m going to sit down and drink it slowly until I feel better. Then I’m going to start thinking about what I need to do to about your behavior so that this problem doesn’t happen again.”

Take Ownership
Never blame the child for your anger. This teaches the child to blame others (like his siblings, friends and you!). In other words, don’t say things like “You’re making me mad” or “If you do that again, I’m going to get mad.” Instead, just take ownership: “I’m starting to get mad.” Remember, you may be getting mad because you are sleep-deprived, stressed, and hungry. You might feel helpless with this child, not knowing how to gain his cooperation. None of these reasons has to do with the child. All kids misbehave. It’s the parent’s responsibility to learn how to handle misbehavior without anger.

Don’t Accept Excuses
Similarly, don’t excuse your child’s angry behavior. Teach your youngster that “He broke my castle” is not a good reason for hurting a toddler. It’s an opportunity to use words “You’re not allowed to break my castle! I’m not playing with you now.” Even if the child is angry for really good reasons such as the fact that parents are going through a difficult divorce, or the child himself is challenged by illness or whatever – angry behavior cannot be excused or condoned. You understand, of course, that the child is very stressed. However, as a parent you want to teach the child that he still has control over his mouth and body. He can choose his behavior. Choosing to be hurtful or destructive is only one option. A stressed person can choose to remain sensitive to others even though he himself is suffering emotional pain. 

Don’t Accept Abusive Behavior
Anger is a feeling. Behaving hurtfully or destructively is a behavior that is abusive to others or to the environmnent. Slamming doors, yelling, swearing, throwing things, hanging up – all of these aggressive behaviors are abusive to those on the receiving end. Punching holes in walls, smashing furniture, and so on, are also acts of abuse in that they terrorize the household. Use negative consequences for abusive behavior: “You cannot say or do hurtful things like that every again. From now on, when you choose to yell, swear (etc), such & such consequence will occur.” (See Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice by Sarah Chana Radcliffe for a detailed approach to discipline).

Teach Your Child Safe Ways to Release Anger
Parents can help their children deal with anger by teaching them how to use their words effectively. The most powerful tool for this is the parental model. Saying to your child, “I am really upset about this” teaches the child to use those same words when she is feeling upset. In addition, actually teach the child to use such words. “It’s not O.K. to call someone names. Instead, just tell them how you feel. For instance, when you’re mad at me, don’t say ‘you’re the worst mother in the world’ but instead say ‘I’m really really upset about this.'” Equivalent phrases include “I’m not happy about this,” “I’m not happy with you right now,” “I’m really frustrated,” “I resent what you did,” “I’m extremely displeased,” “I am furious,” “I am angry.” Sometimes a child will be so angry that she’ll want to throw something or break something. Such behavior is destructive and cannot be permitted. However, you can teach your child to rip paper into shreds (an exercise that makes a good ‘ripping’ sound and uses a fair amount of physical energy), or let out a silent scream (just open her mouth and imagine screaming at the top of her lungs) or pull and twist a folded towel (which releases excess physical energy). Punching a pillow or punching bag is NOT recommended as this activity actually stimulates more anger rather than releases energy. Another good way to release fury is to sit down with pen and paper and write really fast, pouring out all the wrath in words onto the page. The page should be thrown out afterward. Younger children can be offered a big black ‘mad’ crayon to scribble pictures and feelings onto paper. Teenagers can be encouraged to release angry energy by engaging in intense physical activity like lifting weights, doing push-ups or riding the exercise bike.

Give Examples of Destructive Anger
Your child need not learn through the school of irreparable mistakes. They can learn through the mistakes of other people. When you hear stories in the news of people committing angry crimes, talk about it to your children. Let them know that anger is a dangerous emotion when it is not controlled and expressed in healthy ways. Show them that you value communication and the skill of calming down.

Consider Bach Flowers
Bach flower remedies may help your child feel less angry. The remedy Vine can help reduce an angry nature. The remedy Holly can help children who are easily offended or prone to jealousy. Impatiens can help those with a short fuse. (These remedies can help adults too!) For more information on the Bach Flower Remedies, look online, in books and throughout this site.

Point Out Positive Role Models
Similarly, when you see or learn about people who handled a difficult situation gracefully, be sure to talk about it with your kids. Emphasize that people always have control and can make the choice to maintain their dignity and the dignity of others even in very stressful situations.

Seek Professional Help
If you have tried all of these interventions and your child is still easily anger, aggressive, or verbally abusive, consider making an appointment with a child psychologist. A mental health professional can provide effective treatments to reduce anger.