Child Doesn’t Answer Cellphone

Parents can find comfort in modern technology. Whereas “in the olden days,” letting children and teens go out into the night might have caused parents extreme worry and anxiety, today parents can keep in touch with their kids 24/7 through mobile phones. Of course, there’s still no guarantee that all is well, but the ability to check in does provide some peace of mind.

But what if your child doesn’t answer his or her cell phone? Should parents become immediately alarmed? Does not picking up mean that your child is in danger or hiding something?

Not always! There are many possible reasons why a child might not answer a parent’s call. The following are some of these reasons, alongside tips on how parents can handle the situation:

Your Child is Not Mindful of the Phone
Although this one is rare, it is still something to be considered: some kids are so attached to their cell phone, it’s practically welded to their palm. But there are also children who barely pay attention to their mobile, and merely have it on silent or vibrate mode somewhere in their bag. If your child is not expecting a call from you, it’s not unlikely that he or she just didn’t bother to check if anyone is calling.

If this is the case, the best thing for parents to do is to advise their child that they plan to ring, so that the child knows to always keep his or her phone handy.

It’s Not Convenient for Your Child to Answer the Phone
Sometimes, it’s just not the right place or time to answer the phone. Your child can be inside the cinema with friends, out in the field playing football, or crossing the street on a busy road. In the same way that you can’t be expected to answer your phone during these times, it’s unreasonable to expect your child to accommodate you.

What’s best is to ask your child where he or she is going so that you will know if ringing is advisable. If you know your child’s itinerary, then you would know when to ring. True, your child can always lie about the location in order to avoid your calls. But this is also a great exercise in trusting your child. Unless your child has a history of lying about his or her whereabouts, there’s really no reason not to take what your child says at face value.

You can also establish a rule on call backs. For example, you can contract with your child an agreement to call back within 30 minutes of a missed call. With such a rule in place, you won’t immediately panic when you don’t get a response. Of course, the 30 minute rule won’t necessarily solve the problem if your child is out watching a movie with friends, but it can still be helpful in most cases.

Your Child Already Knows That He or She is in Trouble
Sometimes kids don’t answer their cell phone because they sense that you are probably already angry at the other end of the line. If they’re out way after their curfew for example, it’s possible that they would avoid responding to your calls to avoid further stress.

If this is the case, explain to your child the effect of their behavior on you. Sometimes, kids don’t realize that parental anger is born out of being worried sick and fearing the worst. Tell them that whatever their offense may be, it would still be outweighed by relief in confirming that they are well and safe. Emphasize how answering your call at all times is a must.

In order to encourage your child to answer even when he or she is past curfew, be careful to avoid raging and unpleasant criticism. When your child answers be calm, polite and concerned. Take up discipline issues the next day, when everyone is awake and relaxed.

Your Child is Embarrassed to Answer the Phone
It’s also possible that your child is embarrassed to be seen talking to a parent. This is especially likely during the teenage years when kids are experimenting with their identity and their autonomy. Peers can tease them about always being “on a tight leash” or “being a mamma’s boy.” When this happens, your child may prefer to switch off his or her mobile rather than be caught talking to a parent.

Parents who are respectful of their kids’ feelings will have better communication and cooperation in the long run. Therefore, show understanding if your child claims to be embarrassed. Ask your child to suggest reasonable solutions. Keep in mind that teenagers are almost grown up and like grownups, they don’t want someone checking up on them every few hours. Perhaps you should be using the phone only for true emergencies and not to find out where your child is and what he is up to. Let your child go out and come home – don’t call! However, if your child is young or inexperienced, you can ask that he or she calls you when he or she arrives safely at a destination. For older teens, this isn’t necessary. In short, avoid acting like your child needs excessive supervision unless the child has already shown you through repetitive irresponsible behavior that this is truly the case. If your child has already established a track record of reasonable behavior, responsibility and appropriate maturity – let him or her go out and have a good time. There’s no need to call.

Refuses to Use Alarm Clock

Alarm clocks are a necessity in modern living. We all have responsibilities we need to attend to, most of which begin early in the morning (shift workers excepted!). Even young children are not excused. Typically, children must be ready to leave their homes for school between 8 and 8:30a.m. – and therefore must be crawling out of bed by around 7 o’clock (give or take a little) in order to leave adequate time for dressing, eating and organizing.

But what if your child simply refuses to use an alarm clock? Consider the following tips:

Find Out Why
Before you get rid of this amazing invention, ask your child first why he or she refuses to use an alarm clock. Reasons vary, and adjustments can be suggested based on the reason your child has.

Sometimes a child doesn’t like an alarm clock simply because he or she hates the sound it makes. If this is the case, invite them to shop with you for a new one – one with a sound more pleasing to the ears. Really young children often are not aware that there are many kinds and types of alarm clocks available, so you may have to introduce the concept. Go online and show them the array of funny, cute, child-friendly alarms that are available. But don’t buy one until you hear the sound it makes; you want to make sure your child likes it! If the website doesn’t offer sound samplings, go to your local store and try them out there.

If their issues relate to being suddenly jolted awake, then propose alternatives. Many new alarm clocks offer ringing that slowly rises in volume, which is believed to be gentler on the ears. Some alarms have gentle music that gets louder and louder, the longer it plays. Setting an alarm system to mere “vibrate” may also do the trick, as the vibration is less joting than noises might be. Warning: don’t use the snooze function as a graduated wake-up aid. It simply trains the brain to ignore the alarm! Those who make use of a snooze-button often find themselves slapping it off over and over again (for as long as an hour!)) instead of using the sound as a cue to get out of bed.

Be Their Alarm Clock
You can also take your child’s refusal to use an alarm clock as an opportunity to bond with them every morning! If you have no problems with using an alarm clock in your own room, then an alternative is for you to set the alarm for yourself, and then be the one to wake your child. Perhaps your child can use a warm kiss or hug as a wake up tool, instead of the incessant ringing of an alarm. This is particularly suitable for tiny children. It is an option for older children, with the condition that the “relationship moment” must be pleasant for all parties. In other words, absolutely REFUSE to wake up a child who fights with you about getting up, is rude to you or ignores your request (which will cause you too much aggravation). Volunteer to be an alarm clock only for those children who are grateful enough for your help to be pleasant and cooperative when you get there.

An added thought: If you can bring the family pet into the picture (i.e. have the dog lick them awake ), then you’ve got yourself a morning ritual like no other!

Give Them a Chance to Wake Up on their Own
We’re all working on the assumption that your child actually needs an alarm clock in order to be on time. But what if your child refuses to use an alarm clock, simply because he or she doesn’t need one? Our body has a natural clock called the Circadian Rhythm that regulates our sleeping and waking hours. When we have consistent sleeping patterns, our bodies tend to know exactly when to sleep and when to wake up. Light and sound cues provide the signal for the actual time. Kids who are trained to sleep and awaken at consistent times usually don’t need an alarm clock. The trick here is to ensure that the child is in bed early enough each evening to wake up naturally each morning. Kids who go to bed too late (like adults) will need an alarm.

Use Discipline
If your child is too tired to wake up on his or her own, simply refuses to use an alarm and fights with you when you try to get him or her out of bed, then use negative consequences to inspire them to wake up on time. For instance, don’t interfere with HOW the child wakes up. Simply warn him or her that there will be a specific negative consequence if he or she is late.

Can’t Get Up in the Morning

Lots of kids have trouble waking up in the morning – especially teenagers. However, youngsters are supposed to be in school by 9 a.m. in most places. Some localities have actually changed the starting time of school to 10 a.m. for adolescents because so many kids in this age group are still groggy at 9! No matter what time school starts, many parents have to leave the house early in the morning so they can get to work on time. For this reason alone, they may need their kids to get up bright and early.

If your child has trouble getting up in the morning, consider the following tips:

Trouble Waking Up Can be Related to the Amount of Sleep Your Child Got
Unsurprisingly, if a child doesn’t get enough sleep, he or she will simply be too tired to get up when the alarm goes off. A lot of kids – and maybe ALL teenagers – go to bed too late. Nowadays, with the constant hum and beep of computers and cell phones, kids stay up to all hours. They’re always “on” and don’t know how to turn off. Of course they’re exhausted!

Getting your child to sleep on time is critical to getting him or her to wake up easily in the morning. Make firm rules about bedtime. Help your child settle down in the half hour before bed by prohibiting stimulating activities like computer games and action movies. Quiet time for bath, stories and tucking in should start long enough before the target bedtime so that the child can be closing his or her eyes at the actual bedtime. Teens, too, need limits around bedtime. Computers and cell phones can be OFF in the twenty minutes before bed. Shower, quiet reading and into bed by bedtime can be the rule for your teenager as well as for your younger child. Failure to comply can cost privileges like use of the family car (“Sorry – I can’t let you drive the car on so little sleep”), allowance, and so on. (See Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice, by Sarah Chana Radcliffe for ideas on how to design effective and appropriate negative consequences.)

Trouble Waking Up Can be Related to the Quality of Sleep Your Child Got
Some kids are in bed on time and theoretically sleeping the correct number of hours, yet they are exhausted upon awakening. They can’t drag themselves out of bed. This can happen when the quality of sleep has been impaired. Illness such as ear infections, colds, flu’s and certain chronic physical health conditions (such as sleep apnea!) can affect the quality of sleep. Medications as well as illegal drugs and alcohol may cause morning exhaustion. Chronic mental health conditions such as ADD/ADHD., Asperger’s Syndrome, autism, depression, bipolar depression, and anxiety can impair sleep. Stress and trauma can impair sleep as well.

See your pediatrician for help in addressing the physical conditions that interfere with restful sleep. Your naturopath, herbalist, Bach Flower therapist, reflexologist or other alternative practitioner might also be able to help. Similarly, have your child’s emotional health assessed and treated by a qualified mental health practitioner. You might also be able to find CD’s for children’s sleep issues to help them get a better quality of sleep.

Trouble Waking Up Can be Related to Power Struggles between Parent and Child
Many parents get pretty worked up in the morning. When their child doesn’t immediately jump out of bed, the parents feel irritated, then annoyed and finally enraged. The child accidentaly discovers a way to passively “get back” at parents. The child can see how easy it is to make Mom and/or Dad “go crazy” in the morning and it’s sort of fun to get them to disintegrate this way! The child may not consciously be trying to provoke parents, but people who are relatively powerless (like kids) do love to discover that they have some power after all!

If your child is getting enough sleep but is unresponsive in the morning, TAKE YOURSELF out of the equation. DON’T be your child’s alarm clock! Instead, get a really loud or effective alarm clock (there are many new ones on the market that do all kinds of neat things to force the child to get out of bed). Try to find a clock WITHOUT a snooze alarm. Children who use the snooze feature can often turn it off a dozen times without getting out of bed! Putting the alarm out of arm’s reach can help address this problem as well. If the child has to get out of bed and climb on a stool to turn the thing off, it is less likely that he’ll fall right back asleep. Be sure not to “help” the alarm by also trying to wake up the child. If the child senses your annoyance in the morning, chances are higher that the problem will persist for a long time. Help yourself stay relaxed by being busy in the morning with other activities. Just be too busy to notice that your child is still in bed.

A completely different approach to ending morning power struggles is to be humorous and playful in the morning with your child. Sometimes coming into the child’s room with a joke book and sitting and reading it aloud for a few minutes, is enough to encourage the child to get out of bed in a good mood, ready to start the day. Or, perhaps giving your child a foot massage (only if the child likes this sort of thing), may help him or her start the day in a relaxed and positive mood.

Trouble Waking Up can be Related to a Lack of Real Consequences
Some kids attend schools that do not immediately punish tardiness. Eventually there may be a number of “late days” marked on the quarterly report card. But who cares? On the other hand, when a school gives an immediate punishment for arriving late (like an after-school detention), children work hard to be there on time. Of course, some parents drive the child to school in order to help the child avoid the consequences of being late; such a practice encourages difficulty getting up in the morning. If the school doesn’t have a policy about immediate punishment, it may be possible to take up this isdea with the classroom teacher. The teacher may be able to let you know on a daily basis whether the child was late and you may be able to construct a punishment at home (a consequence that happens every time the child is reported to be late) or the teacher may be able to suggest a punishment that will occur in school.

Help Create a Morning Atmosphere
It may help to change the night atmosphere of the room to a day atmosphere. Open the curtains and the window – let in some fresh air. Turn on the lights. Turn on the computer if there is one, and put some music on. For younger kids (or teens if they have given you permission), pull back the top layer of blankets so that the child isn’t so warm and cuddly. Start chatting to the child in an upbeat, friendly way.

Offer Incentives
It may be possible for you to offer the child incentives for waking up independently and on time. For instance, chocolate milk may be allowed if the child got up by himself or after the first call. Or, a child might be able to earn cash prizes for each cooperative morning wake-up. Or, the child may be able to earn “points” or “stars” and after accumlating a target number, then earn a gift that he or she would not have gotten otherwise.

Teach Your Child How to Set His or Her Internal Alarm
Teach your child to set an alarm clock and then to tell his or her brain to wake up 5 minutes before the alarm goes off. All the child has to do is send this instruction to his or her mind while in a relaxed state. Tell the child to picture the time on the clock that he or she wants to get up at. The child should see the time and picture him or herself getting out of bed then. Make this a game or a challenge. Let the child know it can take some days before the brain catches on, but it WILL catch on. Right now, the child’s brain is actually programmed to get up late!

Unsettled After Death, Divorce or Other Trauma

Although most of us wish that children could be sheltered from the pain in life, the reality is that many youngsters endure real trauma during their developmental years. One of the more common forms of modern trauma is the breakup of the family. Divorce is certainly hard for the adults who go through it but it can actually be traumatic for children – because of the loss of contact with a beloved parent, because of conflict that accompanies it, or because of life changes such as moving away from friends and family, acquiring a “step family” and so on. Death of a parent is another, usually traumatizing, experience that many children endure. But many children endure all kinds of other traumas that are less spoken about such as the serious illness and/or death of a sibling, family violence or chronic, intense conflict, addictions or mental illness within the family and much, much more. Children react to these kinds of intense stresses differently from adults. In fact, parents may not even realize that the child is suffering, since one of the common ways that kids handle overwhelming stress is to “act normal!”

If there has been intense stress in your child’s life, consider the following tips:

No Reaction is a Reaction
Suppose your friend was a passenger in a car that experienced a serious collision. The driver and two other passengers were instantly killed. The car was demolished, blood was everywhere, four firetrucks, 3 ambulances and 5 police vehicles were on the scene within minutes. Your friend miraculously escaped unharmed. Over the next days, weeks and months, this friend went about his or her business as if nothing at all had happened. He or she ate well, continued to joke around and enjoy life, never spoke about the accident and just went on very much “as normal.” Wouldn’t you find that a bit strange?

This is exactly the way many children respond to traumatic events in their lives. Instead of registering the pain and acting it out, they appear on the outside to be completely fine. What has probably happened, however, is that the overwhelming pain has been dissociated – cut off from the child’s conscious awareness. It is stored somewhere where the child can’t feel it just yet. It may surface years or even decades later, as more life stress builds up and eventually triggers it. Sometimes, it remains mentally dissociated for a lifetime, but expresses itself through the body in various forms of physical disease. The reason that children dissociate in this way is that they don’t have the emotional or intellectual resources to assimilate the experience. In other words, they just can’t handle it at the time it is happening.

If it appears that your child is not affected by a traumatic event, in reality he is quite likely affected! However, you can help. First of all, make sure that YOU are talking about the events. Some parents think, “why rock the boat? If my kid isn’t bothered by the tragedy, I’m sure not going to mention it!” Or, parents think to themselves, “the child is too young to understand or care about what is happening. There is no need to discuss it with him or her.” This is exactly the opposite of a helpful response. The child is likely to assume that the incident or events CANNOT be spoken about because they are way too terrible. On the other hand, when parents talk about what is happening and name their own feelings about it, they help children to take in the experience as a legitimate part of life and they help the child learn that his or her feelings about it are normal, expected, healthy and welcome. For instance, suppose a family suffers a crib death of their new baby. The mother can approach their children aged 4 and 6 and say something like, “It is so sad for all of us that our baby died. Daddy and I are so sad right now. You might be feeling that way too. We’re also confused. It’s hard to understand how this happened so suddenly; the baby was healthy just yesterday! You must also be feeling confused. We will all be thinking about this for quite awhile. Eventually, the pain will go away and we’ll all be happy again.” Parents can include any spiritual beliefs that they hold and want to provide their kids with at times of tremendous stress and upheaval.

Physical Reactions
While children may not be able to express their shock and pain in words, they may be able to feel it in their bodies. Headaches, tummy aches, colds and flu’s can all increase as an aftermath of intense stress. Play therapy can help children who are “somatizing” (sending emotions through their physical bodies) and talking therapies can help older kids and teens in the same way. Once emotions are acknowledged, physical complaints often subside.

Sleep Issues May be a Reaction
A child may have trouble sleeping through the night or sleeping alone in his or her bed. Or, the child may have trouble falling asleep or may suffer from nightmares. This may be part of a larger syndrome of Acute Stress Disorder (that happens as a trauma is occurring or within the month following) or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (that happens more than a month after traumatic events have ended) or Chronic Stress Disorder (the effects of ongoing stress such as living with family violence or addiction or other deeply disturbing issues).

Psychotherapy will help the child clear out the feelings of stress. This will allow him or her to have restful, normal sleep.

Anxiety and Mood Issues may be a Reaction
A child or teen may experience panic attacks, separation anxiety (always wanting to be in the presence of loved ones), increased irritability or chronic sadness. Again, when parents are able to talk about what is happening in the family, children experience fewer emotional symptoms. Sometimes, however, the child or teen may benefit most from personal counseling in order to process the events and lift the burden of stress from the mind oand body.

Misbehavior or “Acting Out” may be a Reaction
Sometimes children become rebellious, disrespectful, impulsive or otherwise poorly behaved at home and/or school in response to stress that is happening at home. Particularly if the poor behavior is a change from previous functioning, parents should consider the possibility of this being a reaction to stress. Counseling for the parents may help reduce the stress in the home and the child’s behavior may simply improve by itself as a consequence. However, some of the stress that may trigger poor behavior are not remediable by parent counseling (for instance, the death of a family member). Nonetheless, parents may benefit from counseling that can address specific behavior and emotional interventions that THEY can provide for their child at home. If these are insufficient, the child him or herself, may need some sort of counseling or behavior therapy.

Using Negative Consequences Effectively

Every Saturday is your child’s schedule to wash the dishes. But like many kids, he hates the chore. So every Saturday, there’s a slimy pile-up in the sink just begging to be cleaned. You decide to issue consequences for ignoring responsibility. The rule goes: until all the dirty dishes from lunch are washed, the whole family will have to forgo dinner (after all, there won’t be any clean plates!). You thought that if everyone had to go hungry, the pressure would motivate your youngster to do his job.

Unfortunately for you, this child is not so easily intimidated. Not only does he NOT wash the dishes, but he actually goes to the cupboard to pull out a clean one and makes himself his own dinner!

What happened?

In theory, the consequence to the misbehavior was perfect. You didn’t nag, yell or criticize.The consequence made it clear that you are instilling the rule in order for the whole family to be able to eat together on time. And the consequence was even logically related to the behavior you want to correct. It should have worked!

Perhaps there are other things missing from the equation, which is why your child doesn’t accept the consequence. Consider the following possibilities:

You Have Failed to Establish Authority
Parental authority plays a huge role in getting kids to accept consequences. If you’re inconsistent in setting rules and consequences, there’s a good chance that your child will not take you seriously. You may, for example, have let him off the hook before despite his misbehavior. Having done so would have convinced him that he doesn’t have to worry about actually receiving a punishment – in his eyes you are “all talk and no action.” Or you are strict on him, but lax on siblings. To ensure that setting consequences work, make sure that you are serious about consequences and will implement them.

Your Child is Misbehaving — Again
Here’s a thought: what if your child’s refusal to accept the consequence is also misbehavior? Remember, misbehavior has goals, and your child may be refusing to do the dishes and refusing to accept your consequences for the same reason. Find out what the reason is; perhaps your child is seeking negative attention, or going for revenge. Have you been too angry or too punitive lately? That tends to backfire, leading to more misbehavior. What is going on in your relationship with him? What are the stresses in the household? Is he experiencing stress at school or in relationships? When you address the need behind misbehavior, you’ll see less misbheavior. Moreover, your rules and consequences will work more effectively.

The Consequence Doesn’t Really Affect Him
For consequences to work, they must affect your child in a significant way. While they’re not supposed to bring pain,they must at least provide an inconvenience, or serve as a roadblock for something that the child wants. In the case above, the consequence was likely ineffective because the child knew there were other clean dishes to eat from! Choose consequences carefully, making sure that they are real deterrents. Consequences do not need to be “logical” in order to be effective – they need to be “the right priced ticket.” That is, they need to motivate the child to comply. You can remove possessions and privileges (for up to 24 hours for a child and up to 48 hours for a teen). Or, you can assign extra work (this only works once your child has learned to accept punishments). Study up on your discipline strategies and talk with other parents about effective negative consequences they have discovered.

Your Child Doesn’t See the Purpose of the Consequences
Consequences are there to teach the child the logical link between misbehavior and an unwanted event. Hence, some discussion must come alongside the implementation of the consequence. Perhaps your child just doesn’t appreciate why the punishment is needed. If you can explain the rationale of using a negative consequence, then he or she may be more likely to accept it. Indeed, any respectful communication about the misbehavior can help. In this case, explain to the child that everyone in a family has to help out. Explain how it makes you feel when you’re the only one doing everything. Explain how unfair it would be if everyone except this particular child had various household responsibilities. Explaining the issues with the child’s behavior, can help the child realize that he should cooperate and also help him realize that a deterrant for failure to cooperate makes sense because it is meant  to help him succeed in cooperating.

Strategies for Dealing with Misbehavior

All kids misbehave from time to time. Parents need to know how to handle misbehavior WITHOUT harming their child. Frequent anger, excessive criticism, over-punishment and other harsh interventions are strategies that are likely to cause more misbehavior rather than less. Moreover, these strategies also cause various emotional difficulties in children and can, when intense enough, harm the parent-child relationship. Fortunately, parents can learn a set of tools that will help them correct their kids in positive ways. With these tolls, parents will find themselves taking firm but quiet control, finding ways to respectfully teach their kids right from wrong.

If your child ever misbehaves, consider the following tips:

Reasons for Misbehavior
Your child may misbehave for all kinds of reasons. Some misbehavior is actually accidental – like when a child just isn’t paying attention (i.e. when he runs around the house and breaks something). Or, he might be experimenting and testing the limits of what he can get away with. Maybe he seeks the intense attention his parents give to his negative behavior. Or maybe there’s a physiological reason for the misbehavior such as fatigue, hunger or illness – or a biologically based mental health condition like ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, etc. Your child (usually!) isn’t an evil person who consciously intends to make your life hard. There’s generally a reason for his or her misbehavior.

Attend to and Reinforce Desirable Behaviors
The CLeaR method is one super-charged way that you can reinforce positive behavior; it is described in full in Sarah Chana Radcliffe’s book, Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice. Use of the CLeaR Method involves 3 steps: comment, label and (sometimes) reward. An example using the CLeaR Method would be this scenario of a child who has a bad habit of climbing on counters to help himself to cookies. One day, the child remembers to ASK for a cookie, to which the parent responds“You asked me for a cookie instead of trying to climb on the counter.” (Comment), “That’s very mature of you!” (Label), “Yes, go ahead and take a cookie.” (Reward). The CLeaR Method requires forethought and actual planning, but it is truly effective when used consistently and correctly. With this method, your child learns to associate appropriate behavior with positive feelings, causing him to become more likely to do the “right” thing in the future.

Reward charts can also be used to encourage desirable behaviors. These are more fun and more successful than using tools like criticism, correction and punishment to address the negative behavior. For instance, instead of yelling at a child for leaving his shoes in the hallway, you can put up a star chart in front of the shoe cupboard and ask the child to give himself a star whenever he puts his shoes away properly. When he accumulates a certain number of stars, he gets a small prize.

Even praise, smiles and other simple signs of pleasure applied to DESIRABLE behaviors are preferable to negative feedback for undesirable behaviors. Nonetheless, positive strategies alone do not always eradicate misbehavior. See below for how to use discipline constructively when necessary.

Follow the 80-20 Rule (90-10 for teens)
In the 80-20 rule, 80% of communications between parent and child must be positive, while only 20% can be negative. Negative communications include criticism of any kind, behavior tips, and rebuke. For teens the ratio is 90%-10% as teens become less tolerant of criticism. Too much negative interaction with your child can lead to rebelliousness and damage the parent-child relationship. The 80-20 rule can dramatically decrease misbehavior while it fosters cooperation. Learn more about The 80-20 Rule in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice.

Get in the Habit of using Emotional Coaching
Emotional coaching can be a great tool to help reduce misbehavior. It involves naming a child’s feelings. When your child misbehaves you can begin your intervention by acknowledging the feelings prompting his behavior (i.e. “I know it’s fun to throw rocks.” or “I know you want to have a cookie right now.”). Then, offer your correction (i.e. “Throwing rocks is dangerous.” or “You can’t take cookies without asking permission.”) Make sure not to join the acknowledgment of the behavior with the reason why he can’t do it with the word “but” (i.e. “I know it’s fun to throw rocks but it’s dangerous.”). Using the word “but” is akin to saying, “I know you like this but I don’t care.” so try to avoid using it here. Emotional coaching makes the child feel understood and accepted, even when his behavior is unacceptable. As a result, the child is more likely to want to cooperate with the parents’ requests. This method can greatly reduce misbehavior and encourages compliance.

Avoid Bribes and use Grandma’s Rule
Instead of saying, “If you clean up your toys, you’ll get a treat” (which is a bribe), try saying, “After you’ve cleaned up your toys, you can have a piece of cake” (which is the structure used in Grandma’s Rule). The word “if” denotes the option of doing or not doing something, when in fact you don’t want to give your child that option. The words “after,” “as soon as,” or “when” indicate that the behavior will be accomplished – it’s only a matter of when. The reward will be forthcoming WHEN the behavior is done, not “if” it is done!

Use the 2X-Rule When You Need to Discipline
Sometimes it is necessary to use discipline to reduce negative behavior. The 2X Rule (as described in the book Raise Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice) is a good rule to follow. When your child misbehaves (i.e. hits his sister) tell him that he should refrain from the improper behavior, tell him why he should refrain and tell him what he should do instead of that behavior. That is called Step One. If the child does the misbehavior again, you’ll be on Step Two of the 2X-Rule. Here, you’ll repeat Step One and then warn him that if repeats that behavior again he will receive a negative consequence. You could say something like, “The next time you hit your sister, you will lose your computer privileges for the rest of the day.” Children are more likely to think about what they’re doing before they do it when faced with a consequence. Make sure to follow up with whatever consequence you promised (be reasonable) so that your child takes you seriously. If the misbehavior happens routinely, use the rule version of the 2X-Rule, which, on Step Two, sounds more like this: “From now on, whenever you hurt your sister, such and such consequence will occur.”

Experiment with Different Approaches
There is no one-size-fits-all approaches to parenting. What works with one child in the family may just not work with another. Therefore, read a few books, join a few forums, take a few parenting classes! You may learn a new strategy that really helps THIS child improve his or her behavior.

Try Bach Flower Remedies
Bach Flower Therapy is a harmless water-based naturopathic treatment that can ease improve your child’s behavior in addition to other things. Some flower remedies that can help a child who often misbehaves include Holly, Vine and Chestnut Bud. Vine is for the child who wants to do what he wants to do, no matter what you want him to do (strong-willed). Chestnut Bud is the remedy for the child that simply doesn’t learn from his mistakes and punishments, and repeats bad behavior over and over again. Holly is used for children who are jealous (i.e. jealous of a brother’s toy) and misbehave as a result. You can mix remedies together and take them at the same time. To do so, you fill a one-ounce Bach Mixing Bottle with water (a mixing bottle is an empty bottle with a glass dropper, sold in health food stores along with Bach Flower Remedies). Next, add two drops of each remedy that you want to use. Finally, add one teaspoon of brandy. The bottle is now ready to use. Give your child 4 drops of the mixture in any liquid (juice, water, milk, tea, etc.) four times a day (morning, mid-day, afternoon and evening). Remedies can be taken with or without food. Continue this treatment until the behavior improves. Start treatment again, if the behavior degrades. Eventually, the behavior will improve completely.

Consider Professional Help
If your misbehavior is part of a larger picture of negativity or defiance, and your interventions have not helped sufficiently, consider seeking out the help or assessment of a professional mental health practitioner.

Child Won’t Wear Glasses

Corrective eye wear – glasses or lenses – are often prescribed for children to help correct their vision problems. In some cases, a child needs eyeglasses because he or she is near-sighted; that is, the child has difficulty seeing objects that are far away. In other cases, the opposite is true. A child may be far-sighted (also called long-sighted); he or she has more difficulty clearly seeing objects that are close (like books). Nearsightedness is often accompanied by astigmatism, a condition that causes sometimes causes blurry vision, squinting and/or headaches.

If your child needs glasses but won’t wear them, what can you do about it? Consider the following tips:

Ask Them Why They Refuse to Wear Their Glasses
Different kids have different reasons for refusing to wear prescription eyeglasses, so don’t immediately assume defiance or misbehavior! Some kids just find it irritating to wear something on their face. Others think it makes them appear “nerdy” or “un-cool.” Some kids may be reacting to teasing by peers; being called “owl-face” or “four-eyes” can be very upsetting to sensitive souls. And some kids are experiencing physical side effects – they feel dizzy, suffer from headaches, or experience other symptoms. If you can surface your child’s specific concern regarding eyeglasses, you are in a better position to address the issue.

Check the Fit
If your child is physically uncomfortable with his or her glasses, consider a return trip to the optometrist for a re-fitting or even a return! Is your child’s pair too tight? Too heavy? Too loose? Are there any sharp or hard edges? Are the lens’ grades accurate? Well-fitting eyewear can be worn effortlessly, almost unnoticeably. 

Make it an Adventure
If your child is really young, consider making the wearing of eyeglasses exciting. Did you know that there are children’s story books specifically designed to help younger children adjust to having to wear eyeglasses? A quick search engine query will unearth some titles. You can also point out their favorite glasses-wearing TV and movie heroes (i.e. Harry Potter). And if you have a well-stocked family album (and a family history of wearing eyeglasses!), then identifying aunts, uncles and grandparents who wear a pair can be a fun exercise.

Educate Them About the Need to Wear Eyeglasses
If your child is old enough, arranging a friendly chat with their ophthalmologist or optometrist may be helpful. Knowing the actual health reason behind the prescriptive eyewear can make the wearing of them less of an imposition and more of a choice. The eye care professional may emphasize how common the need for eyeglasses is; it will make your child feel less alone. Identifying concrete benefits of an improved vision — no more waving to the wrong person across the playground, better grades, fewer headaches, more accurate dart games — can also help.

Consider Trendier Styles – even Contact Lenses
For older children (especially for teens and pre-teens), who are concerned mostly about what eyeglasses do to their appearance, try to let your child choose a more fashionable pair — or even contact lenses. As long as the eyeglasses are within your budget, and style doesn’t trump frame and lens quality, do encourage your child to express him or herself. Also keep in mind that even very young children like 5 or 6 year olds are quite self-conscious about their appearance. Make sure that your little child also really likes his or her glasses. Never decide for the youngster what glasses look good. As long as your child doesn’t pick something totally inappropriate or absolutely ugly or impractical, then let him or her have the choice. In other words, if your daughter wants pink frames on a normal looking pair of glasses, let her have them even though YOU think metal or clear frames will go with “everything.”

Make Eyeglasses a Normal and Expected Part of Life
Place your child’s eyeglass case alongside their school supplies and “expect” him or her to use them in a matter-of-fact way. “Please put your glasses when you’re doing your homework.” Don’t give up just because your child seems to be trying to avoid the issue. Persist, as if to say, “there’s no going back; you are wearing glasses now.” Of course, don’t use anger to get your point across. However, feel free to use positive reinforcement (“hey – you remembered to put your glasses on!”) or, if necessary, negative consequences (“if you don’t wear those glasses in school, I’m going to ask every teacher to place your seat in the front row so you can see the board.”)

Refuses to Go to a Mental Health Professional

In an ideal world, consulting a mental health professional would be as easy as consulting a medical doctor – and as stigma-free. Unfortunately, many people still feel an element of shame, embarrassment or other type of awkwardness about going to a psychological professional. Some people still think that mental health professionals only deal with people who are “crazy” and understandably don’t want to be an identified member of such a population. In fact, in the “olden days” mental illness was poorly understood and derogatory terms such as “crazy” were used to describe people who we know know were suffering from various biological disorders such as schizophrenia, manic-depressive disorder or delusional disorders. Psychiatrists and clinical psychologists can now help mentally ill people feel and function better than ever before. Moreover, modern mental health professionals assist not only those who are suffering from true mental illness, but also those who are completely mentally healthy. They help almost everyone to function in less stressful, more productive and happier ways, helping  them achieve their full potential in every area. People who access mental health services in order to feel and achieve their best, tend to be more emotionally sophisticated, open-minded and growth-oriented than those who do not. In other words, it is often the most mentally healthy people who consult mental health pofessionals today.

Although YOU may know all this, your child may not. In fact, your child may have the old misconception that going to a mental health professional means that there is something wrong with you. As a result, he or she may not want to see a mental health professional, even though you know that this is exactly what is needed.

If your child refuses to go to a mental health professional, consider the following tips:

Explain to your Child what Mental Health is and what Mental Health Professionals Do
As previously mentioned, there are many misconceptions that float around regarding the mental health profession — and even young children could have heard of them through playmates and peers. It’s important then that you explain carefully that mental health is just one aspect of our health. Emphasize that healthy people access mental health services in order to learn new skills, improve relationships, reduce stress and emotional discomfort, feel better physically, and achieve more in school or life. Be specific too – talk about the various tasks that mental health professionals perform such as psycho-educational assessments, mental health assessments, family counseling (to reduce conflict or help cope with stress), remove and/or manage fear, anger or sadness, and much more.

Your child may not recognize or agree that he or she has an issue that requires intervention. As a parent, you are in charge of your child’s well-being. If your child had an infection, you would insist on medical attention. Similarly, if your child needs help for an emotional problem, it is up to you to arrange it. If the child in question is a teenager, you might have to deal with resistance – be prepared. First try to motivate the youngster with reason – explain the possible benefits of assessment and treatment. If the child still refuses to cooperate, let him or her know that, privileges will be removed. For example, “No you don’t have to go to see Dr. Haber, but if you decide not to come, you will  not have the use of my car until you change your mind.” Think of whatever consequences might help motivate your adolescent to cooperate.

Tell children what to expect at their first session. If there will be art or music or toys, let your child know that the session should be very enjoyable, even while the therapist is learning about the child’s issues and learning how to be help. If it will be a talking therapy, tell the child how the therapist might open the conversation, what sort of questions might be asked and how the child might approach the conversation. Tell the child how to handle tricky situations like not wanting to talk or open up too much or feeling not understood or being fearful. In other words, prepare for everything!

Gently but Clearly Explain Why you are Referring Them to a Mental Health Practitioner
Tell your child why you have scheduled a mental health consultation. Explain that the consultation is meant to help the child and is not some sort of negative consequence! Kids who are caught breaking the law, or even family rules, are often scheduled for counseling in order to find out the reason for the misbehavior. Children who do not do well in school are referred to educational psychologists for assessment of learning disorders or other causes. Depressed or anxious teens may be sent to psychiatrists or psychologists for treatment. If you are having relationship difficulties with your youngster, make sure to participate in the counseling process in some way, either having joint sessions with the child or having individuals sessions just like the child is having, or both.

Negotiate Confidentiality Boundaries Beforehand
A tricky issue for children in therapy is confidentiality. It’s common for some kids to have hesitation talking to a mental health professional. For them, counselors are just their parents’ spies — a way parents can gather information about them. It’s important that parents (and maybe the mental health professional him or herself) clarify beforehand that all issues discussed within sessions are confidential, and that only the generic nature of issues discussed would be revealed to parents. Similarly, the mental health practitioner can specify what will remain confidential and what sorts of information cannot remain confidential, giving the child the opportunity to share or withhold information knowing the limits of confidentiality.

Tell your Kids that They can Terminate a Consultation Anytime
It’s important that kids actually enjoy their therapy experiences. Negative therapy experiences may affect them negatively throughout life as they refuse to get much needed help because of traumatic memories of therapy in childhood! Therefore, make sure that your child LIKES going to therapy or change the therapist, or the type of therapy, or even consider stopping therapy for the time being and trying again later. Usually, mental health professionals are good at establishing rapport with their clients and child and adolescent specialists are particularly skilled at making kids feel comfortable. Nonetheless, if your child remains uncomfortable after a couple of meetings, end the therapy. Adults also need to feel comfortable in therapy in order to benefit and they, too, have the right to “shop around” for a compatible therapist or therapy approach. Since there are so many different types of treatments and so many therapists, there; they will do their best to get your child feeling at ease before they start an actual intervention. But many factors can cause your child to be uncomfortable with a mental health professional. It’s helpful then that your child knows that you are at least willing to consider enlisting a different professional, or terminating sessions if there are significant concerns.

Won’t Take Medicine

Even though children’s medicines are meant to taste good these days, some kids just don’t like them. Perhaps the child hates the flavor and/or smell of a particular antibiotic that he or she must take. Or, the child’s medicine comes in pill form and the child may balk at swallowing it. Whatever the problem, a child’s refusal to take medicine can have serious health consequences.

If your child refuses to take medicine, consider the following tips:

Try using Emotional Coaching
Some children simply don’t like medicine. If you tell your child to watch you consume some medicine and say, “Wow, this tastes so good!” you’re probably not going to convince him. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it. Instead, try acknowledging his feelings and show that you understand that he doesn’t like it or has trouble taking it. You can say, “I know you don’t like the taste of the medicine.” or “I know you’re afraid to swallow the pill.” Simply showing you understand his feelings about medicine can help him let go of those feelings a bit. It reduces the struggle. Your acceptance of his reality helps him feel a bit safer with you, perhaps a bit more ready to let you help him. However, be careful not to use the word “but” after you’ve acknowledged your child’s feelings, as in “I know you’re afraid to swallow the pill, but you still have to try.” The word “but” erases the acknowledgment you’ve just provided, making it seem that you’re saying something like, “I know you have a problem here, BUT I just don’t care!” Instead, put a full stop (period, pause) after you name the child’s feelings. Then provide additional information or instructions. It might sound something like this, “I know it’s scary to swallow that big pill. Since you really have to take it, we have to come up with some way to do it. Can I show you a few of the tricks I like to use for swallowing pills?”

Reinforce Small Steps with the CLeaR Method
You can try using the Comment, Label, Reward (CLeaR) Method to encourage your child to take small, appropriate steps toward taking his meds. For instance, if the child is willing to try swallowing water to help a pill go down, you can Comment (“I see you’re really trying to get that pill down!”) and use a positive label (“That’s brave of you.” or “You’re determined I see!”) and you can also add a small reward (“Since you’re trying so hard, I think when we’re done here you can have some extra computer-time tonight.”) Even if the child still can’t swallow the pill, his effort needs to be encouraged. Your encouragement is beneficial – it builds up the positive feeling between you and your child and it helps him to be willing to continue trying to do something that is hard or unpleasant for him to do. Moreover, this strategy avoids the destructive consequences of parental impatience and criticism, as in “What’s wrong with you? Just swallow the pill already – it’s no big deal! I haven’t got all night to stand here and watch you!” This kind of negative approach makes the child even more tense and less likely to cooperate.

Some Children are Very Fearful
For many children, swallowing pills can be a difficult task. Some children experience a gag reflex as they try to swallow a pill, worrying that they might choke on it. Acupressure techniques like EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) can calm or even remove the fear and teach how to use distraction and other mind tools effectively, making pill swallowing a much easier task. Rescue Remedy – a special Bach Flower Mixture (see below) – can also help to relax a fearful youngster.

Consider Bach Flower Therapy to Help Ease Emotional Distress
Bach Flower Therapy is a harmless water-based naturopathic treatment that can ease emotional distress and even prevent it from occurring in the future. For your child’s fear of swallowing pills, you can offer the flower remedy Mimulus, which helps calm fears and phobias. Rock Rose helps for panic, and Cherry Plum is used for loss of control, as we might see in a child’s complete meltdown. If your child is very strong willed and stubbornly refuses to take medicine you can use Vine. The flower remedy White Chestnut is useful for those children who worry and ruminate about things, including their sickness or the awful treatment protocol they must follow. Chicory might help a whining child who seeks excessive pity and attention. You can mix several remedies together in one treatment bottle. To do so, you fill a one-ounce Bach Mixing Bottle with water (a mixing bottle is an empty bottle with a glass dropper, sold in health food stores along with Bach Flower Remedies). Next, add two drops of each remedy that you want to use. Finally, add one teaspoon of brandy. The bottle is now ready to use. Give your child 4 drops of the mixture in any liquid (juice, water, milk, tea, etc.) four times a day (morning, mid-day, afternoon and evening). Remedies can be taken with or without food. Continue this treatment until the emotional distress is removed. Start treatment again if it returns. Eventually, the emotional distress should diminish completely.

Use the 2X Rule
The 2X-Rule is a quiet, respectful form of discipline that employs negative consequences (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice for details). It can be used in moderation in parenting, and especially for issues where compliance is absolutely necessary. Kids just HAVE to take their medicine! If more pleasant techniques have failed to gain their cooperation, you can try the 2X-Rule. Step one involves explaining to your child why it’s important for him to take his or her medicine. Then ask him to take it. Step 2 occurs if the child still refuses to take the medicine. It involves repeating the information you offered in step one and adds a warning (i.e. let him know that further refusal will result in a specific negative consequence – i.e. “If you don’t cooperate with taking your medicine the next time I ask, you will still have to take it and you will lose screen privileges for the night for giving me a hard time.” Your child’s resistance to taking medicine will waiver when he or she is faced with a consequence every time he refuses to cooperate.

Foster Cooperation with Grandma’s Rule
In Grandma’s Rule, parents use the words “when” or “as soon as” instead of the word “if.” “If” introduces a bribe, as in “if you do what I want you to do, I’ll give you a treat.” The problem with this technique is that it suggests that the task is optional, rather than mandatory. It also leaves it up to the child to decide whether the “prize” is worth the trouble of doing the uncomfortable task. The child may even get into bargaining with the parent to increase the reward! However, Grandma’s Rule avoids these problems by leaving the task as mandatory and the prize as conditional. You may try saying things like, “When you take your medicine you can watch your movie (or name any pleasant activity)” or “As soon as you’re finished taking your medicine, we can play monopoly.” In this way you are making it clear that taking medicine is compulsory and pleasant activities are contingent on having completed the task.

Let your Child Choose his Medicine if Possible
These days, medicine often comes in a variety of flavors and styles. For children who have trouble swallowing pills, chewable or meltable forms of pills are often available. Pills, as well as liquid medicines also may come in different flavors. If possible, let your child choose what he is comfortable taking. Medicine-taking can be made so much easier with all the options available today.

School-Age Child Hates the Doctor

A child may hate his or her doctor for many reasons. Sometimes the personality of the doctor just doesn’t mesh with that of your child. Most often, the painful experiences encountered in the doctor’s office become associated with the doctor and the child then “hates the doctor.” Since children need routine check-ups and frequent medical care, it can be a real problem when a youngster hates the doctor.

If your child “hates the doctor,” consider the following tips:

Try using Emotional Coaching
Your child may hate his doctor, but he still needs to see him or her on a regular basis. To help make your child become less hostile to your pediatrician or family doctor, try using emotional coaching. Emotional coaching is the naming of the feelings. In this case, you might say something like, “I know you don’t like the doctor.” or “Last time the doctor hurt you. I know you didn’t like that.” The goal here is to simply show your child that you understand and accept whatever feeling he has towards his doctor. It’s the opposite of trying to talk your child out of his feelings by saying things like, “the doctor is really nice,” or “it’s not so bad,” or “don’t be a baby.” When a parent just accepts the feeling of a child without trying to change it, a funny thing often happens: the feeling changes by itself! It somehow becomes easier for the child to let it go. This happens a lot of the time, but not always. Whether or not the feeling changes, the child still has to see the doctor – but he is less likely to be upset with his parent. He’ll see that you understand and are sympathetic to his plight. This helps strengthen the parent-child bond. Moreover, because he sees that you do not reject his feelings, he actually becomes more emotionally intelligent over time. Emotional intelligence is associated with increased success in every area of life and at every age.

Reward Compliance When at the Doctor’s Office
Once you’ve arrived at the doctor’s office (however you managed to get there!), try to make the experience as positive and rewarding as possible. Bring along food treats, books or games to give to your child. Get him stickers or prizes (sometimes the doctor’s office gives them out). Provide as much positive reinforcement as you can for good behavior and compliance with the doctor, acknowledging the child’s appropriate behavior under difficult circumstances. Making the experience a positive one for your child can make the ordeal a lot easier for you now and in the future.

Some Children are Very Strong-Willed
If your child simply refuses to go the doctor despite your interventions, try using discipline and the 2X Rule (see Raise Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice). Explain to your child why it is important to see the doctor, even if he hates to see him or her. If he still shows no sign of cooperation, warn him that refusing to go will lead to a negative consequence. For instance you can say, “If you continue to act this way, you will still have to go, but you will lose computer privileges for putting up such a fuss.”  One way or another, your child needs to visit the doctor. When he’s is consistently faced with a negative consequence for refusal to go, he will likely lose some of his resolve.

Foster Cooperation with Grandma’s Rule
In Grandma’s Rule, the parent refrains from bribing the child. Avoid saying to your youngster, “If you go to the doctor I’ll give you the new game I bought you.” There should be no “if”. This word makes it seem that going to the doctor is somehow up to the child. You want it to be clear that the child IS going to the doctor. As the parent, YOU are making the decision in this case. Therefore, replace the word “if” with the word “when” or  the phrase “as soon as,” as in “As soon as you go to the doctor you’ll get your new game.” Grandma’s Rule puts a pleasant activity AFTER a less pleasant one. Milk and cookies come AFTER the homework is completed. Computer time comes AFTER the room has been cleaned. Parents can use the words “when”, “after” and “as soon as” in order to encourage their child’s cooperation.

Consider Bach Flower Therapy to Help Reduce Emotional Distress
Bach Flower Therapy is a harmless water-based naturopathic treatment that can ease emotional distress and even prevent it from occurring in the future. Bach Remedies are available at health food stores. They are safe enough for babies and pregnant women. Rescue Remedy is a pre-mixed Bach Flower Preparation that can take away strong feelings of fear and panic. This can be given right before a visit to the doctor. However, to prevent future upset, you can give your child Bach Remedies daily for awhile, until the negativity and/or fear works its way out of his system altogether. If your child is very strong willed and refuses to go to the doctor just because he doesn’t want to go, you can give him the remedy called Vine. If he is mad at the doctor because of previous negative experiences, you can give him Holly. If your child has a meltdown whenever he is supposed to see the doctor, you can try Cherry Plum. If your child is negative in general, tending to find fault with everything or everyone, try Beech. You can mix several remedies together in one treatment bottle. To do so, you fill a one-ounce Bach Mixing Bottle with water (a mixing bottle is an empty bottle with a glass dropper, sold in health food stores along with Bach Flower Remedies). Next, add two drops of each remedy that you want to use. Finally, add one teaspoon of brandy. The bottle is now ready to use. Give your child 4 drops of the mixture in any liquid (juice, water, milk, tea, etc.) four times a day (morning, mid-day, afternoon and evening). Remedies can be taken with or without food. Continue this treatment until your child’s feelings improve. Start treatment again, if negativity returns. Eventually, his or her feelings should change permanently.

Consider Professional Help
If you simply cannot get your child to the doctor, consider getting professional advice from a mental health professional. It is not always necessary to have your child seen by the professional – sometimes the counselor can give you tips and strategies to apply at home. If the professional wishes to meet with the child directly in order to assess and possibly treat him, don’t tell your youngster that you’re taking him to a doctor! You’ll never get him there! Instead, you can say that you’ve arranged a meeting with a person who helps people (you can mention something that your child might want help with such as overcoming a fear, getting along better with a sibling or parent, or having less fights at home.)