We all know that children need their parents, online but did you know that some parents NEED their kids too? In fact, some parents need their kids so much that we might call them “needy parents.” Such parents depend on their children to make them feel loved, successful or otherwise happy. The fact is, however, that when children sense their parent needs them in order to be happy, they feel pressured and resentful. Children need independent parents – parents who take responsibility for building their own successful lives. Independent parents give kids the space they need to develop and grow to their own potential and to step into their own adult lives.
Is it possible that YOU are a needy parent? You can find out by asking yourself if the following descriptions pertain to you:
You Desperately Need Your Child to Succeed
How important is it to you that your child succeeds? How would you feel if your child somehow failed or did less than you would be satisfied with? Parents can be over-invested in the outcome of their child’s efforts. Of course, every parent delights in his or her child’s success and happiness, but sometimes a child just doesn’t succeed. Sometimes it’s because a parent can’t tolerate a child’s feelings of disappointment, finding it hard to handle emotional pain. Or, the parent may want the child to be successful in order to be able to brag a bit, to be proud – seeing the child as an extension of him or herself. It’s as if the child’s successes are the parents’ successes and the child’s failures are the parents’ are the parents’ failures. Whatever the reason, if you NEED your child to succeed and can’t tolerate his failure, you may be too needy.
You Need Your Child to Be Around
Some parents need a lot of contact with their child. While mothers and babies are meant to be symbiotic for the first couple of years, they are meant to gradually grow apart more and more until they are two completely separate (but loving) human beings. The ultimate expression of this occurs when the child leaves home to make a life of his or her own. However, some parents need the child even more than the child needs them. There are parents who need their kids to talk to them in depth daily, sharing all the details of their lives. Some parents need their kids to call home frequently whenever the child is out with friends. Some parents need their grown children to visit daily or call several times a day, wanting them to continue sharing the details of their lives well into adulthood. Of course, the desire for closeness also varies between cultural groups with some cultures promoting closer relationships and others promoting more independence or distance. However, if you tend to find very temporary loss of contact with your child painful, you may be too needy.
You Feel Possessive of Your Child
Does it bother you when your child develops close friendships and relationships? Sometimes a parent resents a child’s closeness to another relative – even if that relative is the child’s other parent. Sometimes a child has a special relationship with an aunt or grandparent and the parent feels left out, discarded or insignificant. On the other hand, healthy parents feel secure in their relationship with their child and are happy for the child to have lots of other sources of support, companionship and love. If you feel threatened when your child becomes very close to someone else, you may be too needy.
Your Child Needs You to Do Everything
Parents have a special role in their child’s life, guiding them from totally helpless tiny beings to full grown independent people. Along the way, they must give their child opportunities to develop all sorts of competencies – the ability to cook, make appointments, manage money, drive, travel and do every other task that adult life will require. Step by step, the child takes on more and more independent tasks according to his increasing levels of maturity. However, some parents like to do almost everything for their child at every age – long past the time when the child could actually perform the task by him or herself. This may happen because the parent has no patience for the child’s learning process, or because the parent is a bit too nurturing, or because it makes the parent feel needed and important. Whatever the reason, the child becomes excessively dependent on the parent. If your child is very needy and very dependent, it may be because you are a needy parent!
Your Child Needs You to Solve All His or Her Problems
Kids turn to their parents for help of all kinds – practical help as well as emotional support. The younger the child, the more the youngster depends on the parent. However, as kids grow they normally find other sources of support and assistance in addition to or instead of their parents. If your child absolutely depends on you to solve all of his or her problems, it may be that you have needed to be a bit too involved for too long. Your child’s dependence may be happening because you have needed to be needed – you are a needy parent!
There are plenty of reasons why parents become needy of their children. Sometimes the parent has a dependent nature. Other times the parent has lacked close relationships with his or her own family of origin. Sometimes, it’s just a cultural thing – everyone in the whole community behaves the same way! However, if you want to give your child a bit of breathing space there are some steps you can take. Keep in mind that if you step back, you give room to your child to come forward. Often parents who don’t NEED their kids end up having the best relationships with them. Here are some things that you can do that might help you stop being a needy parent:
- Get busier with your own life and schedule – take on some new, interesting activities and projects
- Get more involved with people – attend to your current relationships and build new ones
- Seek personal counselling
- Take a course, learn a new skill, start a business – get busy with personal development
In general, the more a parent works on his or her own life, the more balanced his or her relationship will be with the children.
It’s all right if your child is the center of your universe. All children are the apple of their parent’s eye. But having a child doesn’t mean that you stop being your own person. While you’re responsible for your child’s happiness, your children are not responsible for yours. You need to love them for who they are, not because they are the only thing that completes you.