Good Cop, Bad Cop

In some households, one parent is the “nice” one while the other is the “disciplinarian.” Children, of course, tend to prefer the nicer parent. The other parent – the “bad” cop – is often resentful. This parent knows that children need boundaries, limits and guidance and wants to do the best for his or her child. He or she wants support from his or her spouse. When the other parent refuses to offer that support – or worse, supports the child instead of the spouse – the “bad cop” is often extremely resentful and upset. The upset only serves to reinforce how “bad” this adult is in the eyes of the both the spouse and the child. It is no fun being a bad cop!

If you are finding yourself in the position of being the “bad cop” in your parenting team, consider the following tips:

Follow the 80-20 Rule
Each parent needs to be both “nice” and also firm. Each needs to show love and offer appropriate guidance. In other words, each should follow the 80-20 Rule independently, being 80% good-feeling and 20% education-oriented (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice for an in-depth explanation of the 80-20 Rule). Unfortunately, one parent cannot make the other follow this ideal ratio. Your spouse may refuse to engage in appropriate discipline and education. However, that needn’t be a problem for you. As long as you remain 80% good-feeling in your interactions with your child, your child will feel a strong and healthy bond with you. Your child will accept your guidance gracefully, because he or she will trust and love you. At the same time, your child will recognize that the lenient parent is a lenient parent – someone without much backbone. They will sense that parent’s weakness and, while maintaining affection, lose some respect.

Working Uphill
Often, lenient parents not only fail to apply rules and limitations, they also try to prevent the other parent from doing so. “Don’t worry that Mom said you had to be in bed by 9 – you’re out with me and we’ll get home whenever we get home” or “I know Daddy said you had to write out lines, but I’ll explain to him that you’re really sorry for what you did and you don’t need to write out anything.” In this case, it is very hard to institute rules, boundaries and consequences. However, don’t give up in despair. As long as you don’t exceed your 20% allowance for unpleasant-feeling communications (which includes, by the way, all instructions and corrections), you will still have tremendous influence over your child. If you give your youngster a punishment and the other parent tells the child he doesn’t have to cooperate with it, you can appeal to the child directly: “You and I both know that I warned you that you would have to go to bed early if you keep chasing your brother. Your father said you could stay up, but you know full well that you have to go to bed early. This isn’t between you and your father. It’s between you and me.” Then, if necessary, use the “jail” form of the 2X-Rule for effective discipline (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice for complete information on how to carry out discipline using the 2X-Rule).

Be Aware of the Impact of Your Marriage
Children don’t want their parents to fight, losing feelings of security and respect when they do. Instead of fighting with your too-lenient spouse, aim to perfect your own discipline style, improve your 80-20 Ratio and become an overall excellent parent. At the same time, work on improving yourself as a spouse. This produces the best outcome for kids – far better than ensuring that each parent does the exact same style of parenting.

Resources and Support Groups for Parents

Parenting is a big job and often a stressful one. Fortunately, there are resources that parents can draw on to help support them through the parenting journey. Let’s examine the more commonly available ones:

Community Support Groups
Communities can help parents through their support groups. A support group is an organization of people who share similar experiences, interests, and/or backgrounds. It might meet regularly for structured or unstructured activities like meetings,  forums or focus groups. Or a support group can function as an informal network of people you can call upon if you need help.

What Kinds of Support Groups are Out There?
There’s a support group for almost every parenting need. To start with, there are parenting groups that focus on child rearing techniques and approaches. There are also parenting support groups specific to certain parenting issues and challenges – for instance, there are groups for parents of diabetics, parents of children with cerebral palsy, parents who suffer with depression and mood issues, single parents, fathering, blended families and so on. Some groups are primarily educational in nature while others are therapeutic and supportive. There are also some advocacy groups that promote or support specific causes to advance the needs of groups of parents. If a support group for your need doesn’t yet exist – start one!

What can Support Groups Do for Me?
Research shows that people benefit enormously from support groups of every kind. The camaraderie of like-minded people with shared goals reduces stress, helps reduce disease and unhealthy coping methods and enhances quality of life. In many cases, friendships formed in support groups develop into lifelong relationships.

Where can I Find a Support Group?
There are many institutions that have support groups; a quick search online can provide you with a list of support groups in your area. Churches typically have a fellowship group for parents; schools have parent associations. Interest groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Positive Parenting Network, and League of Parents with Disabilities also host support groups. The same can be said of professional associations and government regulatory commissions like the American Academy of Pediatrics or the American Autism Society. Your local social services branch of government may run an extensive network of programs and groups for parents.  Even your chamber of commerce may have relevant groups such as groups for working mothers  or those who are running home businesses. Hospital programs often run postpartum groups and usually can refer parents to other community-based parenting supports as well. Ask your doctor and your pediatrician for a directory of parenting groups and resources. You can also call your local Child & Family Agency for a listing of relevant groups. Your child’s school probably has guidance and counseling services that can also point you to groups and resources.

These days you don’t even have to leave your home to find a support group. There are also many online support groups where quality information and peer encouragement can be found. Websites, blogs, forums, mailing lists and social networking sites are homes to various support groups on the net. Just make sure you pick support systems that actively police itself against the proliferation of inappropriate or inaccurate information. Look for online groups that are community sponsored such as those established by hospital, university and government programs, or groups that are organized by highly trained and trustworthy helping professionals.

Why to and How to Stop Yelling

Parents love their kids. So why do they yell at them?

Here are just some of the reasons parents may yell at their children:

• Kids don’t listen when parents speak in a normal tone of voice but do listen when parents yell
• Parents were raised by  parents who yelled at them, so it just comes “naturally”
• Parents are tired & stressed
• Parents don’t realize how much damage is caused by yelling

What Damage is Caused by Yelling?
There are short-term and long-term negative consequences of frequently yelling at kids. Here are some short-term results:

• More misbehavior at home and/or at school
• More nervous habits (bedwetting, thumb-sucking, hair-pulling, etc.)
• More physical ailments (headaches, stomach aches, flu’s & colds)
• More academic problems
• More social problems

Here are some long-term results in adults who were frequently yelled at as kids:

• More mental health problems
• More marriage and parenting problems
• More physical health problems
• More difficulties at work
• Sometimes more social issues or criminal issues

Kids who are yelled at frequently by their parents may not have a close relationship with their parents during the teen and/or adult years. Some people don’t ever talk to their parents again or have minimal contact as adults, cutting their parents off from their own children (yelling parents may lose the opportunity to have a close relationship with their own grandchildren).

How Can Parents Avoid Yelling at Their Kids?
Parents who yell must interrupt the neural pathway in their brain that draws a bridge between a provocative child and the parental urge to scream. Neural pathways are physical. When a child misbehaves or doesn’t listen, a pathway is triggered (within milliseconds) and a raised voice pops out of the parent’s mouth. In order to interrupt this pathway, a parent must add a new step. Let’s say the pathway looks like this:

Child provokes — parents yells.

The parent can add a step like this:

Child’s provokes —– parent yells — parent writes out two pages of lines “I always speak softly including those times when I feel very  frustrated.”

This new step of adding an annoying writing assignment actually causes the brain to drop the original pathway. The trick is to increase the negative consequence for each episode of yelling or for each week of yelling. That is, raise the assignment to 3 pages, then 4 pages, then 5 pages and keep going as necessary until all yelling has stopped. It will stop of course, because no one has time to write so many pages after each yelling episode!

Now that the parent is not yelling, he or she must have strategies with which to guide children and gain their cooperation. Not yelling is a good beginning but it is not parenting! A parent must be able to teach a child, correct a child, instruct a child and altogether raise a child! Children can not be raised on praise alone. It is, after all, necessary to assert healthy boundaries and to model the process of boundary assertion for children. However, creating healthy, respectful boundaries and limitations requires skill. Parents can learn this skill by taking parenting courses or by reading parenting books.

Five Parenting Skills That Prevent Parental Anger
The following five parenting skills can completely remove the need to resort to anger in parenting. Parents who use this approach find that their kids behave better. In addition, the techniques facilitate the development of a strong parent-child bond, high self-esteem and increased emotional well-being. Outlined very briefly below, they are explained in detail in the book Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice by Sarah Chana Radcliffe.

1.The 80-20 Rule: 80% of parental communication feels good to the child. In this way, the child wants to please the parent. The child exhibits far fewer misbehavior.

2.Emotional Coaching: Parents consistently name a child’s feelings. This technique creates an intimate bond between parent and child, causing the child to have a better understanding of his own feelings and the feelings of others. The result is better mental health, better physical health, better academic performance and better behavior!

3.The CLeaR Method: A good-feeling form of discipline that capitalizes on a child’s positive tendencies. By shaping desirable behavior with pleasant forms of acknowledgment, the child goes from strength to strength. The child has very little need to seek negative attention or to enter power struggles with parents.

4.The 2X-Rule: a firm but respectful form of discipline in which a parent never asks a child to do anything more than two times. By refraining from repetitive requests, the parent saves him or herself from getting angry. The 2X-Rule utilizes mild negative consequences instead of parental rage in order to gain a child’s cooperation.

5.The Relationship Rule: This rule insists on consistently respectful communication in the home from both parents and children. It helps the entire family manage their angry feelings appropriately and keeps the family emotionally safe. The rule states: “I only give and accept respectful communication.”

Is it Really Possible to Raise Kids without Yelling at Them?
Absolutely! The first step is to take the idea that yelling is damaging very seriously. The more yelling occurs, the more damage occurs.

The next step is to punish oneself for yelling. This also must be taken seriously. It is not enough to remember the idea of punishment or to remind oneself that one shouldn’t yell. In order to disrupt the harmful neural pathway, it is essential that the body/brain experiences the punishment. If a parent is willing to punish him or herself, yelling WILL BE cured!

The final step is to have a new set of strategies in place. Parents must never be left helpless. Parents need skills that will create a solid bond with their children because the bond itself increases cooperation (in addition to creating a foundation for mental health and emotional well being!). Parents also need to know how to discipline effectively and respectfully.  The word “discipline” means teach. There are actually good-feeling forms of discipline as well as unpleasant feeling forms. The majority of discipline that occurs in the home should be good-feeling.

Yelling is not part of the discipline process. It is an emotional reaction on the part of a parent, indicating upset, lack of control and helpless rage. Parents are entitled to their feelings. However, feelings need attention and calming. They are not parenting tools. Parenting tools require some study and thought whereas the expression of negative emotion occurs impulsively, without thought. However, the time it takes to think and plan parenting interventions is well worth it. The positive results of this kind of thinking endure for a lifetime.

Tips for Step-Parents

Given today’s divorce rate of 50%, cheap a lot of new families are created out of remarriage. In addition, many children become step-children after one of their parent’s has died and the other has remarried. Sometimes step-children also inherit step-siblings, meaning that the parents in such reorganized households have a lot of new family dynamics to deal with. Even if blended families are now a social norm, creating and living in one always comes with certain challenges. For a new step-parent, the road is far easier when preparations are made; it is helpful to learn about common step-parenting issues and strategies for managing them.

Honoring the Previous Family
Being a step-parent is harder than being a regular parent. Not only must you  build a new family, but you also have to do so without nullifying the original family your step-children come from. On the contrary, the more recognition, validation and honor you can give to the children’s original family, the more comfortable your new children are likely to feel around you. In cases where the other parent of your step-children has died, you can certainly ask the children about their past experiences in the family, their special memories and even their relationship with that parent. You want to show the kids that you aren’t afraid of the topic and that you aren’t trying to pretend that they didn’t once have a whole different home. Your unspoken message is “that was a precious part of your life and this new life with me in it is a different chapter of your lives. Both parts are valid.”

Step-children who come to you through the process of divorce may or may not have pleasant memories of their previous home. There are many types of divorce and in any case, the children’s experience of the dissolution of a home is normally very different from the experience of the adults involved. Again, you don’t want to pretend that the children did not have a previous life. In fact, acknowledging that all this change is difficult and must feel awkward, uncomfortable and unsettling can only help. Remember that children can feel intensely angry that they now have to live with a parent who is not their natural parent and siblings who are not their natural siblings. Acknowledging their grief and their right to anger shows that you are an understanding and trustworthy adult. “I know it’s strange having a whole new family in this house. It might make you feel upset or uncomfortable at times. We just want you guys to know that we understand and we’re here to help in whatever way we can. It isn’t easy. We don’t expect everyone to just start loving each other. That may come with time but it may not. All we ask for from everyone in this household is mutual respect. We talk to each other nicely. That will help all of us get along. If we later learn to like each other too, that will be a huge bonus!”

You May be Dealing with Trauma
Step-children have usually experienced some sort of traumatic loss, whether that was caused by death or divorce. Because of this, they often carry layers of grief, anger and anxiety – feelings that they don’t necessarily talk about. Their behavior, however, may be affected. As a step-parent you might see something that looks like an attitude problem, whereas it is much more likely to be an emotional problem. Sometimes it can be helpful to arrange for psychological counseling for kids who are being thrust into a blended family; counseling can give them a venue to work through their painful emotions far more quickly and efficiently than just waiting for “time” to do its magic. It is important to note that “time” does not necessarily heal these kinds of wounds at all. Therapy is a far better option. If therapy is out of the question, step-parents can accomplish much by being knowledgeable and utilizing resources such as books (books that can offer education and an opportunity to explore the issues in the reorganized family), pastoral services, community services and family services.

Because of all these emotions, step-children are rarely ready to give their hearts over to some new adult. It’s best if you don’t expect them to do so. Over the years, your patient, kind and understanding character will leave a strong impact, helping these youngsters to eventually open up to you and form a positive relationship. This process cannot be rushed, so just sit back and read some good parenting books (such as Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice by Sarah Chana Radcliffe) and wait.

Establish Expectations
As a new step-parent, you will want to avoid engaging in disciplining your step-children. Let their natural parent do this – unless the children are pre-schoolers. However, you can establish some basic expectations and rules just by living them yourself and using plain language to ask the children to abide by them. Work with your new spouse to create a set of basic rules and expectations that you are both willing to endorse. Suppose your new spouse never asked his kids to take their plates of the table after eating. You feel that since they are already teenagers, they should certainly be doing this for their own good as well as for the good of the household. In your home, you raised your children to do this task routinely. You have no intention of taking the step-children’s plates off for them and it irks you to see their father do it. Discuss the issue with the children’s father. If he sees the value in changing his previous philosophy and strategy, then the two of you can ask the kids to remove their plates from now on. If he doesn’t, however, then you remove your plates, you continue to ask your children to remove theirs, you express once only how you think and feel about the issue and then you let their Dad take care of it. If the problem gets out of hand, you can enlist the services of a family counselor.

Keep in mind that when you are pleasant, rather than strident, step-children are more willing to learn from you. When you keep the tone of the relationship positive, when you are willing to lead the way by your warm, kind example, you can accomplish a great deal over time. Don’t rush. Trust the process. Step-children are willing to learn more from warm, gentle step-parents than from strict, rule-oriented, authority figures.

Having said this, there is no reason for  you to accept any sort of abuse from a step-child. Read “The Relationship Rule” in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice to learn how to establish respectful communication between you and the step-children. This is one area that you should really work hard to bring the children’s parent on board since establishing and maintaining basic standards of respect will help your new family remain healthy and caring rather than dysfunctional and destructive to its members.

Take the Lead
Don’t wait for your step-children to warm up to you. YOU warm up to them first, even if they don’t “deserve” it. Children need adults to take the lead. Pay attention to their preferences and their feelings and aim to respect both. Go ahead and “buy their affection” by getting them little treats, making favorite foods or doing special acts of kindness. By tuning into their preferences this way, you help the step-children feel safe and seen – prerequisites for a healthy relationship. You can get to know the kids better by opening up discussions stemming from issues in the news or articles you’ve read. Listen to their thoughts and opinions on all topics and accept what they have to say without judgment. Keep criticism very low – both about what they say and what they do.

Your Spouse’s Children
Your relationship with your spouse is the glue that holds your new home together. Try your best NOT to argue about your kids. Allow your new spouse to love his or her kids more than he or she loves you. Doing so helps your spouse come to love you more LATER ON. Parents have an intense, instinctive, protective love for their kids – a different kind of love than the one they have for their partners. You are NOT in competition with your spouse’s children, but if you feel you are, then accept the fact that the KIDS win and you lose. Then move on from there. Once you stop struggling, your partner will ironically love you more.

The Needy Parent Test

We all know that children need their parents, online but did you know that some parents NEED their kids too? In fact, some parents need their kids so much that we might call them “needy parents.” Such parents depend on their children to make them feel loved, successful or otherwise happy. The fact is, however, that when children sense their parent needs them in order to be happy, they feel pressured and resentful. Children need independent parents – parents who take responsibility for building their own successful lives. Independent parents give kids the space they need to develop and grow to their own potential and to step into their own adult lives.

Is it possible that YOU are a needy parent? You can find out by asking yourself if the following descriptions pertain to you:

You Desperately Need Your Child to Succeed
How important is it to you that your child succeeds? How would you feel if your child somehow failed or did less than you would be satisfied with? Parents can be over-invested in the outcome of their child’s efforts. Of course, every parent delights in his or her child’s success and happiness, but sometimes a child just doesn’t succeed. Sometimes it’s because a parent can’t tolerate a child’s feelings of disappointment, finding it hard to handle emotional pain. Or, the parent may want the child to be successful in order to be able to brag a bit, to be proud – seeing the child as an extension of him or herself. It’s as if the child’s successes are the parents’ successes and the child’s failures are the parents’ are the parents’ failures. Whatever the reason, if you NEED your child to succeed and can’t tolerate his failure, you may be too needy.

You Need Your Child to Be Around
Some parents need a lot of contact with their child. While mothers and babies are meant to be symbiotic for the first couple of years, they are meant to gradually grow apart more and more until they are two completely separate (but loving) human beings. The ultimate expression of this occurs when the child leaves home to make a life of his or her own. However, some parents need the child even more than the child needs them. There are parents who need their kids to talk to them in depth daily, sharing all the details of their lives. Some parents need their kids to call home frequently whenever the child is out with friends. Some parents need their grown children to visit daily or call several times a day, wanting them to continue sharing the details of their lives well into adulthood. Of course, the desire for closeness also varies between cultural groups with some cultures promoting closer relationships and others promoting more independence or distance. However, if you tend to find very temporary loss of contact with your child painful, you may be too needy.

You Feel Possessive of Your Child
Does it bother you when your child develops close friendships and relationships? Sometimes a parent resents a child’s closeness to another relative – even if that relative is the child’s other parent. Sometimes a child has a special relationship with an aunt or grandparent and the parent feels left out, discarded or insignificant. On the other hand, healthy parents feel secure in their relationship with their child and are happy for the child to have lots of other sources of support, companionship and love. If you feel threatened when your child becomes very close to someone else, you may be too needy.

Your Child Needs You to Do Everything
Parents have a special role in their child’s life, guiding them from totally helpless tiny beings to full grown independent people. Along the way, they must give their child opportunities to develop all sorts of competencies – the ability to cook, make appointments, manage money, drive, travel and do every other task that adult life will require. Step by step, the child takes on more and more independent tasks according to his increasing levels of maturity. However, some parents like to do almost everything for their child at every age – long past the time when the child could actually perform the task by him or herself. This may happen because the parent has no patience for the child’s learning process, or because the parent is a bit too nurturing, or because it makes the parent feel needed and important. Whatever the reason, the child becomes excessively dependent on the parent. If your child is very needy and very dependent, it may be because you are a needy parent!

Your Child Needs You to Solve All His or Her Problems
Kids turn to their parents for help of all kinds – practical help as well as emotional support. The younger the child, the more the youngster depends on the parent. However, as kids grow they normally find other sources of support and assistance in addition to or instead of their parents. If your child absolutely depends on you to solve all of his or her problems, it may be that you have needed to be a bit too involved for too long. Your child’s dependence may be happening because you have needed to be needed – you are a needy parent!

Needing Less
There are plenty of reasons why parents become needy of their children. Sometimes the parent has a dependent nature. Other times the parent has lacked close relationships with his or her own family of origin. Sometimes, it’s just a cultural thing – everyone in the whole community behaves the same way! However, if you want to give your child a bit of breathing space there are some steps you can take. Keep in mind that if you step back, you give room to your child to come forward. Often parents who don’t NEED their kids end up having the best relationships with them. Here are some things that you can do that might help you stop being a needy parent:

  • Get busier with your own life and schedule – take on some new, interesting activities and projects
  • Get more involved with people – attend to your current relationships and build new ones
  • Seek personal counselling
  • Take a course, learn a new skill, start a business – get busy with personal development

In general, the more a parent works on his or her own life, the more balanced his or her relationship will be with the children.

It’s all right if your child is the center of your universe. All children are the apple of their parent’s eye. But having a child doesn’t mean that you stop being your own person. While you’re responsible for your child’s happiness, your children are not responsible for yours. You need to love them for who they are, not because they are the only thing that completes you.

Tips for Single Parents

Solo parenting is very challenging. The physical, capsule emotional, pill psychological, viagra 100mg financial and mental exertion required to raise a child is demanding even when two people share the task. To have to manage independently or with minimal support is both difficult and exhausting. Nonetheless, a child in a single-parent home needs the same amount of love, nurturing and guidance as all other children; how can a single parent best meet the needs of his or her youngster?

To help you navigate child-rearing as a single parent, consider the following tips:

Enlist Support Wherever Possible
Take all the help you can get physically and emotionally. Get your immediate family members and your closest relatives and friends to be your support system in raising your children. Visit these people and invite them to be regulars in your home and at your table. Knowing that you’re not alone is in itself a huge burden lifted, especially as you through the more challenging times. Practically speaking, however, no one can do it all on their own. Hired help is great if you can manage it too – babysitters, “mother’s helpers,” students, cleaning and cooking help – whatever you can afford will be helpful in freeing you up to be a more relaxed and focused parent. Equally important, your children will have more balanced relationships: when it’s just one parent and one child, there can sometimes be way too much closeness for developmental comfort. Children need space in which to develop normally. Having other people besides the parent to deal with helps the parent take eyes OFF the youngster for a time, providing relief for both the parent and the child. No one likes living under a microscope.

Be Organized or Hire Help to Get There
Routines and systems will help keep your busy life running smoothly. The less you have to think, the better – freeing up important time and energy for your kids. Sit down ONCE and make a two-week dinner schedule. Then just repeat that two-week cycle for the next ten years! Your shopping routine will become easy and automatic because your meals are all planned out. Have specific days for laundry, banking, cleaning – whatever you need to do. In this way, everything will happen and you won’t have to waste time thinking about how to do it all. Less stress for you is more calm and stability for your kids. Do the same for your finances – if possible arrange for automatic banking, savings and investing routines that don’t require your regular personal attention. Consider hiring a professional financial consultant to help you put processes in place.

Draw on Emotional and Spiritual Resources
Parenting can be easier when parents feel emotionally supported. Consider joining and participating in a faith community that can help nurture your soul and give you the strength you need to do this big job well. Psychological support from a mental health professional can help ease stress and provide helpful guidance as well. There’s a slew of books and internet resources created by those who have traveled this path or studied it intensely – there’s no need to reinvent the wheel or do it in isolation. Consider joining a support group for single parents or just try to meet like-minded single parents for companionship and camaraderie along the journey. If possible, read up or take a course on parenting strategies – single-parenting is harder than family-style parenting. You need to have more tricks up your sleeve than average parents do and you need to be a bit more psychologically sophisticated as well; there’s just more to deal with. Parenting will be a lot easier when you have the necessary information under your belt.

Don’t Get Bogged Down
Remember to have some personal fun – it’s good for you and can help you do a better job of parenting. A sour, exhausted, bitter, resentful parent is, by definition, not a good parent. A happy, energetic, positive parent is more like it! Keep up good health and lifestyle habits as much as possible, which means exercise, eat healthy, socialize, laugh, relax. When you’re ready, go ahead and date (and re-marry!). You need to live a full adult life and show your children how it’s done. It’s up to YOU to figure out when and how you’re going to do all this, but do it you must. An emotionally and physically healthy lifestyle not only helps you thrive, but also provides an important model for your child to emulate.

Child Wakes Baby

Picture this scene: You’ve just finished spending 45 minutes of gentle rocking and singing to put your baby to sleep. But the effort is well worth it. Finally, you can get some well-deserved rest. You may even be able to catch up on your reading. Except… your thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a loud and demanding cry on the baby monitor. Your older child has just woken the baby up! Beyond frustrated, you get up, drag your feet to the nursery, and start the bedtime ritual all over again.

Why does this keep happening? Why can’t your older child just let the baby sleep? Consider the following:

Your Child is Bored
Sometimes, your child disturbs your sleeping baby out of simple boredom. With nothing interesting to do, kids look for diversions (the baby is an excellent distraction!) and even company. They may even want to play with their sibling, but don’t have the patience to wait until their brother or sister is awake. If this is the case, the best thing for a parent to do is find ways to engage their child while the baby is sleeping.

There are many individual games – available in toy stores and online – designed to challenge a child’s intellectual and motor development. Have these games or activities handy; they can be used to entertain bored children so that they don’t become disruptive while you are busy trying to settle the baby. Sometimes, you may be able to arrange play dates to time with your infant’s regular sleeping schedule. If you’re fortunate, there may be another adult around who can spend time with your child while you are occupied.

Your Child Doesn’t Understand Why the Baby Must Sleep
It’s tempting to reprimand or punish a child for waking up the baby, especially when he or she ends up creating so more work for the parent. But it’s important for parents to remember that the younger a child is, the less likely he or she understands why the baby’s sleep is so important. Try to explain to your child what sleep does, in a manner appropriate to his or her age. For example, parents can share with a toddler how babies become healthier when they sleep because their tiny cells grow and become stronger. If you can inject your explanation with a lot of visual imagery (you can even draw a cell growing bigger and bigger), your child will likely develop a healthy respect for sleep. Who knows, your little talk might make it easier for you to put them to bed as well!

Your Child is Acting Out
A new baby can be threatening; your child may be feeling jealousy and resentment against the infant and, out of that anger, WANTS to disturb the baby’s peace. Perhaps you’ve been accidentally giving the youngster too much negative attention which can lead to more misbehavior. In this case, carefully reduce the amount of negative feedback you are giving him (like telling him “no” or “don’t do that” or “you’ll be punished if you continue to do that,” etc.). Instead, use the CLeaR Method of positive guidance, filling your conversation with positive comments, positive labels and even positive rewards (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice by Sarah Chana Radcliffe for more information about the Clear Method). Use the CLeaR Method to specifically reinforce your child’s patience at letting the baby sleep – give PLENTY of positive attention whenever your child manages to walk by the sleeping infant without waking him.

Keep in mind, too, that your child may be seeking your attention simply because he feels a little lost in all the fuss over the new family member. Indeed, you may be too tired to give him as much time and attention as you did before the baby was born and the mischievous child is just trying to reclaim his place in your heart (albeit the wrong way). He or she may feel that the only time you pay attention is when the baby is awake, which is why the baby must be awake all the time. If you think that this could be the problem, redouble your efforts to talk to this youngster during the day (just give him a little more eye contact and a little more verbal contact) and try to do something to make him feel special at least once a day (i.e. make chocolate milk “just for him” or play a short game with him or draw a funny picture for him or sit down and read him a story in the middle of the day, etc.) Keep in mind that if your new baby has made you feel more stressed than usual, your child may be reacting to your increased stress level with his own brand of misbehavior. Perhaps you need more household help,more time out of the house or something else in order to put YOU in a better mood. This might indirectly help your child stop seeking negative attention in the form of waking the baby.

You Have Not Yet Established Your Parental Authority
It is possible that the one who wakes up the baby is really old enough to know better. No matter how many times you tell him to let the baby sleep, he ignores you. He may even think it’s funny to defy his parents and get a reaction from the baby. In this case, it is possible that you have not yet established your authority. Review the 2X-Rule (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice) – a quiet, respectful, firm method of discipline that helps reduce misbehavior. When the child wakes the baby, he receives an appropriate  negative consequence. You have to be consistent with this, making sure that the child receives the consequence over and over again. However, if after 3 or 4 consequences he is not improving, then continue with the general structure of discipline, replacing your ineffective punishment with a different one that might be more effective. Use each consequence 3 or 4 times and monitor your results. You will eventually find the punishment that motivates this youngster to let his new sibling sleep! When using the 2X-Rule, make sure that you are careful to maintain a high ratio of positive attention at the same time (use the 80-20 Rule in order to ensure the effectiveness of discipline).

Your Child May Have A Defiant Nature
It could be that there’s nothing more that you can do behaviorally – your child is simply unresponsive to normal interventions. If this is the case, consider Bach Flower Therapy. The Bach remedy Holly for jealousy can be helpful along with Vine (for being strong-willed and doing what he wants to do no matter what), Chestnut Bud (for being unresponsive to discipline and guidance and Walnut (for adjusting to changes in the home). Using the remedies for a few weeks or a few months can help ease the child out of his stuck and unhappy place to a more cooperative, happier one! Put all the remedies in one mixing bottle filled with water – 2 drops of each. Add a bit of brandy (1/2  a teaspoon to prevent the growth of bacteria) and give your child 4 drops in a bit of liquid (milk, chocolate milk, juice, soup, water, soda etc.) 4 times a day with or without food. You can find more information about the Bach Flower Remedies online and throughout this site.

Seek Professional Guidance
If nothing seems to work and the child is still waking a sibling, consider consulting a mental health professional who can take a closer look at what is going on and help design a uniquely tailored intervention.

How to Discipline without Anger

Parents frequently feel angry at their kids – especially when those kids engage in behavior that is destructive, dangerous, mean, foolish, messy, illegal, immoral, thoughtless, selfish and otherwise… childish.  But given that unrestrained displays of anger can traumatize children, parents have to learn how to discipline without rage, upset or even irritation. While anger is an emotion, it is NOT a parenting tool. Discipline is a parenting tool and it has nothing to do with anger. In fact, discipline is related to the word “disciple” – student. When the parent offers discipline to the child, it is nothing more than a form of teaching. As such, it should have nothing to do with emotions like anger or behaviors like yelling. A good disciplinarian is simply a good teacher.

The following are some tips on how parents can keep the big A in check during discipline:

Don’t Discipline “In the Moment”
There is no reason to discipline the moment some inappropriate behavior occurs. Both you and your child must be in a calm frame of mind in order for discipline to be effective. Therefore, step back and allow YOURSELF to calm down (this also gives your child time to re-boot!). Start thinking about what the child did incorrectly and what you want him or her to do instead in the future. Do some research, if necessary” talk about your child’s behavior to your spouse, a friend or a professional counselor. Take the time to think things through and make a plan to prevent misbehavior in the future. Check out parenting resources on the internet and in books in order to see how others have dealt with similar situations. Taking the time to do your homework will pay off in the long term. Instead of quickly releasing destructive anger, you’ll be able to develop a constructive, effective intervention.

The Teaching Moment
Since discipline is nothing more than teaching, it is important to choose an appropriate time and place for any lesson that you wish to impart. This is called “the teaching moment.” A teaching moment is usually fairly private (never in front of guests). It is a moment in which the child is calm. It is also a moment in which the parent is calm. If these conditions are not met, the parent should wait before attempting to discipline. We have about 20 years to raise a child – there is no “emergency” (unless the child is standing in traffic). In general, wait until you are both calm and you have an appropriate location in which you can speak. If either of you is upset, just wait longer. Hours, days, or in very rare cases – even longer – are fine.

Most of what goes wrong during discipline happens because the parent did not choose a “teaching moment.” Instead, the parent felt upset and punished the child while still angry. This causes the parent to use emotion instead of appropriate negative consequences, to try to teach the lesson. Since the parent is upset, his or her ability to choose an appropriate negative consequence is severely compromised. In anger, the parent might choose something too harsh, too long or otherwise too unreasonable. Moreover, the chances of the parent being able to explain what he or she wants and doesn’t want from the child are fairly slim, due to the parent’s intense upset. Instead of communicating in such a way that the child would be able to hear or want to hear, the parent communicates in a way that infuriates the child or shuts him down. The parent may use escalatory language and say hurtful things. This, of course, makes the child very upset and he may then lash out in kind or more so. When the parent “loses it” the child is much more inclined to lose it as well. Now we have a shouting match instead of “discipline.”

Follow a Structure for Discipline
No matter how rude, wild or out-of-control the child is, the parent must stay calm, collected and adult throughout any communication. The parent can use the Two Times Rule – 2X Rule – to carry out discipline (see details in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice, by Sarah Chana Radcliffe). The parent says something once, says it again with a warning of a consequence, and then gives the consequence if necessary. The parent stays calm and quiet throughout. The consequence has been chosen earlier, when the parent was thinking about the child’s behavioral lapses. If the child argues, a similar structure of communication is used to stop it: the parent follows the “I-Do-Not-Argue-With-You” rule as described in the book.

Speak Softly and Slowly
A simple way to reduce anger during discipline is to force ourselves to speak in a low, quiet, even tone. Use non-inflammatory language: talk about the behavior but NOT about your child’s character traits! Refrain from using any negative label, even if the label fits perfectly (i.e. don’t call your child a “liar” even if he clearly is one!). Instead, just talk about the fact that he sometimes lies. If speaking in a normal tone of voice is too difficult at the moment, then it’s time to take a break. Rule of thumb: it’s better to say nothing at all than to say something hurtful.

Provide a Model of Self-Control
When children see that their parents can actually stay perfectly calm, respectful, caring and reasonable during moments of intense stress, they will use the model as one of the valuable tools they’ll have for learning how it is done. Moreover, parents can use discipline itself to help teach children that it is fine to feel anger, but it is not fine to just express it any old way, without regard to people’s feelings. The Relationship Rule is a step-by-step process for teaching kids how to express themselves politely, even when feeling upset (like in a moment of discipline!). The consistent parental model is very, very important in making lessons stick!

Take Specific Steps to Calm Yourself Down
If you notice that you are feeling very angry at any point in the discipline process, take specific steps to calm down your nervous system. For instance, take a break – tell the child that you are feeling too upset to continue and that you’re going to go calm yourself down. The child will have a chance to SEE how a person is supposed to manage angry feelings. Take some space. SIT DOWN and DRINK WATER SLOWLY. Or, like Grandma said, take 10 slow, deep breaths. This will help you turn off adrenaline. Learn EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique – a form of acupressure that can turn your anger off in a couple of minutes. Try Rescue Remedy (a Bach Flower Remedy used to help turn off adrenaline, panic and rage – available online and at health food stores everywhere) – put a few drops in water or drop it straight on your pulse points.

Discipline YOURSELF for Losing Control
Wanting to not use anger is a good beginning, but not enough. Follow up your good intentions with actual negative consequences for “losing it.” For instance, if you express anger, send a certain amount of money to charity (make it large enough to discourage future blow-ups). Or, discipline yourself by having to write out an essay after an explosion, outlining the extremely destructive effects of parental rage. Or, make yourself do a large number of push-ups or other physically taxing exercise. Ask a family member to video you in the midst of your rage and then sit down and watch it over and over again – you’re not going to like what you see. If these measures don’t completely cure your tendency to express anger in the home after a three month period, get professional help. Your children deserve it. Plus, you’ll be happier as well!

Use Stress Management Tools Regularly
Parenting is hard and frustrating work. Most parents experience plenty of stress, anger and rage along the way. However, when parents have a good support system, a stress-reduction routine, a balanced lifestyle and a terrific sense of humor, they survive it all in good health. Do what you can to stress-proof your life. Be nice to yourself every single day. Try to get the right amount of sleep, exercise, quality nutrition, fun and other mood-boosters that can help you take parenting in stride. Consider giving yourself little breaks throughout the day.

Use Anger-Management Strategies
If you’re a person who is prone to anger, whether at home or at work, perhaps it’s best to look inwards first. Your children aren’t the cause of your anger; they simply trigger the anger that is always close to the surface. Use self-help and/or professional help to reduce your own build up of stress and anger. Techniques and interventions like psychotherapy, EFT (emotional freedom technique), Bach Flower Remedies, anger management courses, psychotropic (antidepressant) medication and bi-lateral stimulation tapes are all effective ways to help reduce chronic irritability, negativity and rage.

Do I Have Depression?

“It’s like I just don’t want to get out of bed; I can’t seem to get anything done  all day. Everything is just too much.”

“I spend a lot of time crying. I don’t know why.”

“I’m pretty incompetent compared to everyone else. I’m a failure.”

The voices of depression. Gloomy, hurting voices. Hopeless, sad voices. We’ve all had our share of depressed days – maybe it was during the postpartum blues or perhaps after a major disappointment or loss. Maybe it came on for no apparent reason. And then it passed.

Some of us, however, experience the pain of depression for longer periods of time, sometimes for months or years. The pain can be intense, even debilitating. Depression robs people of joy in living, wreaks havoc with family relationships and incapacitates its victims. Deeply depressed people, for example, may find it very difficult or even impossible to carry out their daily responsibilities at home or at work. They may feel constantly “down” and overwhelmed with their lives. What can be done? How does one get cured of depression?

The answer depends on what sort of depression one is suffering from. Those suffering from “clinical depression” or “major depression,” (the more intense kind) will benefit from a strategy different from those suffering from more minor or transient depressions. You may have a clinical depression if five of the following symptoms have been consistently present for at least a two week period:

  1. Poor appetite or increased appetite
  2. Loss of energy or fatigue daily
  3. Insomnia
  4. Excessive sleeping
  5. Restlessness, agitation or slowing down
  6. Reduced feelings of pleasure
  7. Feelings of worthlessness/low self-esteem
  8. Diminished ability to concentrate
  9. Less able to cope with routine responsibilities
  10. Depressed mood (sadness) most of the time
  11. Thoughts about death

If these symptoms cause significant distress or disruption in your social life (including family life) or in your work life (including household responsibilities or academic responsibilities) and if they aren’t caused by some clear condition (such as a drug reaction, a medical condition or a death of a loved one), then they can meet the criteria for depression. Such symptoms may last for six months or longer.

Although there is some controversy in the mental health field about the most appropriate treatment for this sort of depression, all professionals agree on one thing: it’s important to get help. Treated depressions heal more quickly and more completely, saving you and your loved ones from unnecessary prolonged anguish.

Not only are there different sorts of treatments for this condition, but there are also different sorts of professionals who may be helpful. Psychiatrists and medical doctors are the only professionals who can prescribe antidepressant medications. Both may do counselling as well. Psychiatrists have extensive training in psychological disorders as well as in medical disorders, whereas family doctors may have no training in psychology (although some are trained in counselling). Psychologists are exclusively trained in the diagnosis and treatment of psychological conditions. Psychotherapists and counsellors are trained in the treatment of emotional and psychological conditions. Social workers may also have training in counselling. Any of these professionals may treat depression.

Treatments vary according to the training and orientation of individual professionals. Some psychiatrists and doctors tend to treat almost all of their patients with antidepressant drugs whereas others may use a combination of drug therapy and counseling. Drugs may be particularly helpful when a person just isn’t able to fulfil his/her responsibilities, is feeling suicidal or is not benefiting from therapy. Other professionals choose from a wide range of therapeutic approaches in counseling – some very short-term and others more in-depth. They will often vary their treatment for minor depressions as opposed to major depressions. Most work in conjunction with medical practitioners when medication is prescribed.

There are new treatments being developed for depression as well. For instance, TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) is being researched and shows promise as an effective intervention for treatment-resistant depression. In addition, complementary therapies may be used along with more traditional interventions: exercise, acupuncture, herbal medicine, Bach Flower Therapy, mindfulness meditation, energy psychology (i.e.EFT) and many other treatments may help speed healing along and are especially useful when a person is weaning off of medication after effective treatment.

Many people want counselling to be a part of, if not the entire, approach to treatment. Counselling helps to correct the cognitive distortions that can lead to depressed  feelings. It may help remove emotional blocks to happiness. It can also help prevent  recurrences of depression in the future by treating underlying causes and providing appropriate coping strategies. Counseling can often help people get off and stay off medication eventually. When choosing a counselor, look for someone whom you trust and like. The relationship between the mental health professional and the client is  paramount in the success of treatment.

Depression is a very common condition even in its more severe forms. In fact, some professionals feel it is nothing more than the result of being human. However, it is a condition which is not to be taken lightly. It can be devastating even if it is common. There is no need to suffer with depression. If you think you may be experiencing depression, seek professional assessment. Relief can come sooner than you think.

Wakes Up Too Early

Many young children rise with the sun – which can be way too early for their exhausted parents. Indeed, it is not unusual for a parent to be waking up several times a night to tend to an infant and then to have to deal with a toddler or pre-schooler who is up at 5:45 a.m. These little people often toddle into the parental bedroom asking for help in going to the bathroom or wanting to climb into bed or asking for something to eat or drink. Loveable as they might be, they are NOT who parents want to see at that hour of the morning.

If your young child wakes up too early for your liking, consider the following tips:

Try to Change Your Child’s Sleep Cycle
If your child currently goes to bed at 7:00 p.m. and wakes up at 5:30 a.m., try changing his or her bedtime to an hour or more later. In other words, keep the child awake (by whatever means you can devise!) until 8 p.m. every night. Since the child still needs the same number of hours of sleep in order to feel refreshed, chances are good that he or she will sleep in to a more civilized hour.

Something that might also help is blacking out the child’s room. Use heavy light-blocking blinds to prevent light from pouring into the child’s room. This might help the youngster stay asleep longer.

Teach Independent Skills
If your child gets up too early for you, teach him what to do until you awaken later. Make a rule that the child is NOT allowed to wake you up EXCEPT for those conditions that you establish. For instance, you might give the child permission to wake you to help him or her in the bathroom. However, after helping the child, YOU go back to sleep and the child engages in independent activities (that you establish beforehand). However, many children who wake too early are quite capable of taking themselves to the bathroom. If so, make sure that everything the child might need is ready for him in the bathroom. For instance, make sure the light is on, any potty or toilet seat is already prepared and a stool is in place for handwashing. Similarly, make sure that toys, games and even snacks are available for the child in his room in the case that he wakes before you. If you have a computer or similar instrument the child can use, have it charged up and ready-to-go with a tap of some chubby fingers. Insist that the child amuse himself in his room – or in another designated room. Under no circumstances is the child welcome in your room to play or eat. However, if the child wants to lie down in your room after awakening early, he can do that – on a small mattress on the floor without talking to anyone.

Once you establish your morning “rule,” you may have to use negative consequences to reinforce it. This means that you will have to warn the child that waking you up will result in a punishment for the child. For instance, you can say something like, “from now on, if you wake Mommy or Daddy up in the morning, you will not have your chocolate milk treat for breakfast.”  Pick some consequence you think will motivate the child to wait for you to wake up. Do not attempt to use anger to get your child to stay in his room or his bed; not only will it not work, but it provides a poor model of frustration control and pro-relationship problem-solving strategies. Simple rules with simple consequences are most potent and least harmful.

Alternatively, you may use positive reinforcement instead of negative consequences. Every morning that the child manages to entertain himself until you wake up earns the youngster a point. Let the child earn a few points and then trade the points in for a small prize. Then tell the child he now has to earn more points, but when he does succeed, he gets a bigger prize. Then tell the child he gets a point for each successful morning, but now needs even more points and will get an even bigger prize. End the period of practice with even more points that lead to a grand prize (something the child has long-wanted.) During this period, do NOT punish unsuccessful mornings: the implied punishment is the loss of the point for that morning, thereby delaying the opportunity to receive his reward.

Reduce the Payoff
When your child tries to wake you up in the morning, be careful NOT to give high quality attention. Don’t speak loudly. In fact, try not to wake up completely even if you have to tend somewhat to your child’s needs. Through your behavior, show your child that it is not time to start the day. If possible, stay in your bed and don’t even talk. If you must talk, whisper and say few words. Give minimal attention only. When it is wake-up time, however, do the opposite: give high quality, happy morning attention. Let the child see the difference between your sleeping state and your awakened state. Be patient, firm and consistent. Your child will soon catch on that early morning is not a time that you will be available to tend to his needs.