Sullen and/or Uncommunicative

Kids – and especially teenage kids – can sometimes withdraw from family communication and particularly from communication with their parents. They may retreat in different ways. Sometimes they sulk around the house saying very little to anyone including family, friends and others. Sometimes they don’t say much to their parents while they maintain contact with other family members and/or they talk non-stop on the phone to their friends, text madly away or chat avidly online. Sometimes their mood is morose for just a few hours and then they’re “suddenly” all happy again. But sometimes they withdraw for weeks or months on end. These silent and sullen periods are confusing for parents; how can parents tell if their child needs professional help or if he or she is just being a kid who needs space?

If you are dealing with a sullen or uncommunicative youngster, consider the following tips:

No One is Happy and “On” All the Time
Neither children nor adults experience constant positive moods. It’s normal for all of us to feel stressed or low, off and on throughout a day. Circadian rhythms alone (our biological clocks) affect our moods and energy levels, as does our diet, our exercise (or lack of it) and the various life stressors that each day brings. It’s important to give kids space to be a little irritable or quiet; they – like the rest of us – may need recovery time. Therefore, there’s no need to panic when you see that your child is in a mood. Instead, note the child’s mood and ask if there’s anything you can offer. For instance, you might say something like, “You seem a little down. Do you want to talk or do you need a little neck rub?” If the child declines on both counts, you just say “O.K.” and move on. You have shown an appropriate level of interest and concern without being intrusive or annoying. However, if the child is normally pretty balanced and then enters into an unremitting low, sad-looking mood for two weeks straight, you should express more concern. “Honey, I’m getting concerned. You’ve looked really sad for two weeks now and this isn’t like you. Is there something going on that is hard for you to deal with or are you feeling sad for no reason in particular? I don’t mind if you don’t want to talk to me about it – maybe I’m not the right person. But if you’re having trouble getting into a happier place, I want you to know that Dr. So & So is very nice to talk to and she might be able to help.”

Normal Needs for Privacy
Mood issues aren’t the only reason that kids withdraw from communication with their parents. Sometimes they are just expressing a normal need for privacy. No one likes their life to be a completely open book. You don’t share everything with your child and your child doesn’t need to share everything with you. If you don’t give enough privacy voluntarily, then a child may take it by refusing to open up. One way to offer privacy is to avoid intensive questioning. For instance, don’t ask your child detailed questions like “Who did you talk to today? What did you talk about? What is Bobby doing this weekend? Were you invited? Why not? Have you spoken to Carey lately? Don’t you think you should?” and so on. Children subjected to such inquisitions often learn to give very little information about anything. However, even when parents don’t ask much, teenagers are notorious for wanting to keep a private life. They may have no noteworthy secrets; being quiet doesn’t always mean that the youngster is engaging in suspicious activities. It may just be a case of privacy for privacy’s sake (i.e. “I don’t tell my mom who I see on the weekend not because I have something to hide, but just because I don’t feel like telling her.”). Sometimes, of course, excessive secrecy does indicate a problem behavior. However, usually there are other behavioral clues that contribute to a suspicious picture (for instance: a sudden drop in school marks, red eyes, unusual irritability, strange behavior, a change in behavior and so on). A lack of open communication by itself, is not necessarily cause for concern and in fact, is considered to be pretty normal in adolescents.

Set Appropriate Boundaries
If your child is otherwise happy and well, it is fine to set boundaries for the expression of sullen and uncommunicative behavior. For instance, if your kid is able to talk nicely to his or her friends and others, then go ahead and ask him or her to speak nicely to the folks at home as well. Make sure, however, that you are being mostly positive and pleasant yourself – check your communication ratio. Are you 90% positive and only 10% in the criticism-instruction-discipline section with your teenager (80-20 with your younger child)? If not improve your own pleasant behavior first and then ask your child to do the same. There is no need to allow rude behavior in the home and doing so gives your child the wrong message that family members aren’t real people with real feelings. It’s fine to say something like, “You don’t have to have a long conversation with me if you you’re not in the mood, but when I greet you please just look up for a moment and say ‘hi.’ It’s not acceptable to completely ignore a person who is talking to you and especially,  your parent.” If the child continues to ignore you after you’ve provided this information, something deeper may be going on – perhaps there are parent-child relationship issues, discipline issues or mood issues that would be best treated with professional help.

More Serious Mood Issues
When a previously happy child suddenly becomes sullen and/or uncommunicative for an extended period of time, he or she might be suffering from an internal or external stress. Internal stresses include mental health issues like social anxiety or depression. External stress includes life events like marital breakdown, failing grades or bullying at school. In children and adolescents, depression often shows up as irritable mood rather than sad mood, and is accompanied by other behaviors like changes in eating and sleeping patterns, a tendency to isolate from people, excessive low self-esteem or insecurity, changes in energy and other symptoms. If you are concerned about whether your child’s behavior requires professional intervention, ask your doctor for a referral to a child and adolescent mental health professional with whom you can discuss the issue.

When Your Child is Sad

Dealing with sadness effectively is a skill that will serve a child all throughout his or her life. After all, loss is an inevitable experience in this world – whether it is the loss of a favorite sweater, a cherished pet or beloved family member. Sadness is the appropriate response to loss. It is an emotional signal that says, “something is missing.” We feel sad until we have somehow reorganized our inner world to sew up the gaping hole left by the loss.

Parents can help children move through sadness. Moving through this feeling is important because failing to do so – staying stuck in sadness – can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety and panic, among other reactions. Unresolved sadness can also manifest as bodily pain and/or illness. For instance, unexplained tummy aches and headaches can be fueled by unresolved feelings of sadness. Parental support and guidance can help move sadness through and out of the child’s heart.

If your child is feeling sad, consider the following tips:

Let Your Child Know That’s It’s Okay to Feel Sad
Many parents are so distressed at seeing their kids upset that they want to cheer them up, reassure them and if possible, replace their loss, immediately. However, this approach only teaches children that sadness is an intolerable emotion. Unfortunately, such a message not only fails to teach a child how to handle feelings of sadness, but also increases the likelihood that kids will eventually run to escape measures like addictions when sadness threatens. Therefore, the first and most important step for parents to take is to calmly and compassionately welcome feelings of sadness. A simple acknowledgement of sadness can suffice, as in “you must feel so sad about that.” A period and a pause is necessary in order to convey acceptance, before continuing to speak. Avoid the word “but” since that word rushes too quickly to “fix” the sad feeling without processing it (see below for more about this). Allowing a child to feel sad also means letting him or her become temporarily withdrawn, unhappy and moody when suffering a loss. Refrain from trying to distract a sad child and from telling him or her to “cheer up.”

Provide Emotional Coaching
Dr. John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child explains that naming and accepting a child’s feelings helps the child to both manage and release painful emotion. Just saying something like, “that must make you feel sad,” or “it really hurts” or “that’s very painful” or “I know it’s very upsetting” can give a child a channel for acknowledging difficult feelings inside of himself.  When the child can acknowledge the feeling, half of it disappears immediately. The other half will slowly melt out of the child’s heart with the continued support of the parent. All that is required is to let the feeling be, without  minimizing it or trying to change it in any way. For instance, suppose a child is very sad because his best friend is changing schools. The parent is tempted to say things like, “don’t worry – you can still visit him and have a friendship over the computer and the telephone.” However, the parent who offers Emotional Coaching says things like, “Wow, that’s hard. It’s sad to lose a best friend. I bet you’re pretty upset.” The parent accepts whatever the child says, naming the feelings that seem to be present. Emotional Coaching often allows a child to go even deeper into the bad feeling before resurfacing with a positive emotional resolution. Perhaps the child in our example might say something like  “Yes I am upset! I’ll never have another friend like him! I hate everyone else at school. There’s no one I’ll be able to be friends with!” If this happens, the parent just affirms how awful all that must feel (“It’s such a disappointment that he’s leaving, especially when there’s no one else to take his place and you’re going to be all alone.”) Once the child hears his feelings being spoken out-loud, he usually self-corrects and starts to cheer himself up (“well, maybe I’ll spend more time with Josh Lankin”). If the child doesn’t pull himself out of the sad feeling, the parent who has provided emotional acknowledgement is now in a good position to help the youngster think things through: advice that is offered AFTER Emotional Coaching is often much more likely to be accepted. You can learn more about Emotional Coaching in the book Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice by Sarah Chana Radcliffe.

Provide Perspective
Parents can provide education and guidance AFTER providing Emotional Coaching. Trying to do it beforehand often backfires, as the youngster feels that the parent just doesn’t understand the pain he or she is experiencing. Without understanding, the parent has “no right” to start offering advice. After Emotional Coaching, on the other hand, the child knows that the parent really understands and accepts the feelings of sadness. Now the parent “has the right” to try to provide information or perspective on the matter. In a study of children with depression, it’s been found that optimism is one of the factors that help protect children from the effect of overwhelming sadness. Kids who experience intense feelings of sadness (e.g. the sadness that comes after parents’ divorce or separation), but remain resilient are those who believe that the sadness is temporary — and that tomorrow will bring better days. If you can teach your children to look at the next day as having the potential to bring a new beginning, then you can help your child manage sadness better. Some parents will be able to draw on a strong religious faith to bring this notion forward and some will draw it out from their own bright view of life. If you have neither, however, try looking at the writings of Norman Vincent Peale – the father of “positive thinking.” Peale wrote dozens of books on the subject of maintaining an optimistic outlook, but even a quick perusal of his famous “The Power of Positive Thinking” will fill you with a rich reservoir of ideas to share with your children.

Encourage Your Child to Seek Social Support
Friends are handy in all moments of grief! As kids grow older, they can look to friends as people they can trust with their innermost thoughts and feelings. Studies among children and adults confirm the value of social support when handling difficult situations in life. Encourage your child to always maintain a couple of close friendships and a couple of casual friends. Close friends can provide valuable emotional support through sad and troubled times and casual friends can provide welcome distractions. Model this practice in your own life.

Consider Bach Flower Therapy
Bach Flower Remedies provide emotional relief in the form of a harmless water-based tincture. A few drops of remedy in liquid (water, tea, milk, juice, coffee, soda, etc.) several times a day can help feelings resolve more rapidly. Star of Bethlehem is one of the 38 Bach Flower Remedies – it helps heal feelings of shock and grief. It can help kids deal with death, divorce, loss of a good friend and other serious losses. Walnut can help kids move more gracefully through changing circumstances. Gorse can help lift depressed feelings. Mustard can help with sadness that comes for biological reasons like shifting hormones, grey skies and genetic predisposition to low moods. Larch can help with sadness that is caused by insecurity and Oak can be used when excessive strain and effort leads to unhappiness. There are other Bach Remedies that can help as well, depending on how the child is experiencing sadness. Consult a Bach Flower Practitioner or read up on the remedies. You can purchase them at most health food stores and online.

Consider Professional Help
If your child is “stuck” in sadness and can’t get out of it despite your interventions, do consult a pediatric psychologist or psychiatrist. A mental health professional is highly trained to help kids move through sadness and get on with a happy, productive life!

Suicidal Feelings

A certain number of people kill themselves each year, most of whom were suffering from severe depression. Fortunately, 90% of people with depression are able to live full lives while managing their episodes of depressed mood. Only about 10% will end their lives (this number depends on where a person lives – countries vary in their availability of effective treatments and support for depression, so there is a wide international variability in suicide rates).  The pervasive sad mood that comes with depression, as well as the increased tendency among the depressed to obsess on negative thoughts, makes them susceptible to the hopelessness and irrationality characteristic of the suicidal person. People do not “choose” suicide; they fall victim to it as part of their illness.

What are the Implications for Parents?
The link between suicidality and depression should serve as alarm bells when helping our children deal with mental health issues. If we have a loved one who is suffering from depression, it is always prudent to watch out for signs of suicidality. A depressed child is at risk for succumbing to suicidal thoughts; it is up to parents to help prevent this. Vigilant parents can be familiar with the warning signs of suicidality and take action. Moreover, they can do everything possible to get their child the right kind of help. In addition, they can work hard to reduce the other stressors in the child’s life – like school work (negotiate accommodations with the school) and conflict in the home. In fact, when the parents work on their own marriage and parenting skills to increase peace in the home, this can help tremendously.

What are the Warning Signs?
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry these signs are:

  • Change in eating and sleeping habits
  • Withdrawal from friends, family, and regular activities
  • Violent behavior or running away
  • Substance abuse
  • Neglect of personal grooming
  • Personality change
  • Difficulty concentrating, persistent boredom
  • Drop in academic performance
  • Marked personality change
  • Frequent complaints about physical symptoms, often related to emotions, such as stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, etc.
  • Loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities
  • Speaking positively about death or romanticizing dying (“If I died, people will appreciate me more.”)
  • Writing about death, dying, or suicide
  • Engaging in reckless or dangerous behavior; being injured frequently in accidents
  • Giving away or discard favorite possessions
  • Saying permanent sounding goodbyes to friends and family
  • Seeking out weapons, pills, or other lethal tools

A child or teen  who is planning to commit suicide may also:

  • Complain of being a bad person or feeling rotten inside
  • Give verbal hints with statements such as: “I won’t be a problem for you much longer.”, “Nothing matters.”, “It’s no use.”, and “I won’t see you again.”
  • Become suddenly cheerful after a period of depression
  • Have signs of psychosis (hallucinations or bizarre thoughts)

The risk of suicide is high among those who have attempted suicide before, know someone who has killed themselves, and are pessimistic about the chances of getting relief from chronic depression. Also, teens who have a family history of mental illness and suicide are more likely to attempt suicide as are teens who have clinical depression or who suffer from active addiction. Teens who’ve already made a suicide attempt have a higher chance of committing suicide successfully. Vulnerable teenagers who suffer a serious loss (like the breakup of a romantic relationship) may try to stop the pain with suicide. A history of physical or sexual abuse, incarceration, alienation from parents and refusal to access mental health services all increase suicidal risk. Males have a higher “success” rate for suicide than females, but females make many more suicide attempts than do males. Also take note if your depressed child suddenly seems unusally happy. Sometimes this switch in attitude happens because a child has decided to end his suffering and he is actually experiencing a state of relief. Remember that depressed mood is a serious and potentially life-threatening condition and should always be professionally treated.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recommends taking a child’s suicidal statements seriously. If a child or adolescent says, “I want to kill myself,” or “I’m going to commit suicide,” ask him what he means. Don’t be afraid of saying the word “suicide.” You won’t be giving the teen an idea that he hadn’t thought about. Instead, you’ll help him or her think things through. Ask about depression, anxiety and unhappiness. Don’t just tell the child no to talk that way.  Show interest and concern and get your child to a qualified mental health professional (such as a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist).

Suicidal Behavior in Teens
Teenagers are a vulnerable group. They experience tremendous pressure from all sides: from inside their changing bodies, from their parents, from their schools and from their peers. No one can be perfect in every area and so everyone is doing poorly in something. But teenagers can feel isolated with their failures and setbacks, lacking the perspective that older people have that “we’re all in this together.” Teenagers are intent on fitting in, looking good, being acceptable. If the only group they can fit into is a violent, drug-ridden street gang, then that’ll be the group they might very well join, especially if they have little support elsewhere or few sources of success and strength.

Because the pressure is so intense, many teens do not cope well. Their survival strategies depend to a large extent on their genetic make-up and the strategies they learn at home. Some teenagers have “hardy” genes that help them survive and thrive under stressful conditions. They can laugh their way through almost anything or simply tough it out. Others are genetically vulnerable to bouts of depression. However, the depressed teen is more at risk than depressed adults. Teens are very focused in the present. They have trouble imagining that in a few years life can improve tremendously. Their impulsivity can lead them to put an end to it all right now because they just can’t see any way out.

What You Can Do
Parents can also help buffer teens from stress by keeping the doors of communication open. Make it easy for your kids to talk to you. Keep criticism to a minimum; instead, give praise and positive feedback generously. Have fun with your teenager and try to make your home pleasant, comfortable and safe. Keep conflict down with your spouse. Avoid drama. Take care of yourself and create a healthy model of stress management strategies for your kids to learn from. Create a positive atmosphere. Have a dinner table several times a week and use it to have discussions on politics, human nature, interesting things in the news or whatever—keep talking with your kids. Make your values clear. Bring tradition and ritual into your home.  Accept all feelings without correction or disapproval. Ask for behavioral change gently and respectfully. Never yell at your teenager. Never insult, name call, use sarcasm or any other form of verbal abuse. Instead, be sensitive to your teen’s feelings at all times. Discipline when necessary but only after you’ve warned a child that discipline will occur and only with mild discipline—never affecting the teen’s social life (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice for safe and effective ways of guiding teenagers).

If your teen demonstrates any of the symptoms of depression or suicidality, talk to him or her about what you are observing and arrange an appointment with a mental health professional. You can call suicide helplines in your area to get information about how to help your child. You can take your child for a mental health assessment. If your child is uncooperative, seek mental health guidance yourself. Since a suicidal person feels isolated and hopeless, any steps that family members take to address the situation can be powerfully preventative. Remember, too, that many parents have walked this road before you. Access on-line and community support if your child has been threatening suicide.

Types of Depression

“Depression” is a common mental health condition. However, the word refers to many types of mood issues, rather than just one straightforward condition. In fact, there are many types of depression, depending on symptoms, severity, cause and duration of the illness.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the following are some of the types of depression:

Major Depressive Disorder
When people use the term depression, they usually mean a Major Depressive Disorder. Unlike short-term feelings of sadness, which can be due to any situation that can cause one to feel rightly sad and upset, major depressive disorder is an intense and debilitating condition affecting many aspects of one’s mood, energy and physical functioning.

A person with Major Depressive Disorder can suffer from feelings of hopelessness and despair, self-incriminating thoughts, crying spells, fatigue, weight loss, sleep disturbances, lost of interest in activities and relationships, inability to work, and thoughts of suicide. Major Depressive Disorder, also called clinical depression, is diagnosed if the debilitating symptoms are manifested by the patient for at least two consecutive weeks and causes significant distress and/or impairment in functioning.

Dysthymic Disorder
A less severe form of depression is called Dysthymic Disorder or Dysthymia. The feelings of sadness and helplessness in Dysthymia are less debilitating, and are often merely aggravated by other physical or mental illnesses. Symptoms of Dysthymia come and go, and vary in intensity per episode. However, it can be a chronic disease that runs in families. Diagnosis requires at least two years of chronic low mood. People with dysthymia tend to underfunction at home and at work, due to low energy, low mood, chronic irritability and negativity, low motivation, sleep issues, low self-esteem and other symptoms. If left unmanaged, Dysthymia can progress to a Major Depressive Disorder.

Bipolar Depression 
Bipolar Depression, also called manic-depressive disorder or bipolar disorder, is a mood disorder that is characterized by cycles of extreme elevated moods (called mania) and depressive episodes. During the manic stage of the disorder, patients can exhibit symptoms like extreme alertness, difficulty sleeping, increased energy and erratic euphoria. But this “high” is often followed by an extreme low typical of a Major Depressive Disorder. Bipolar Depression comes in two types – Bipolar I and Bipolar II. The first is a very disturbed state in which manic episodes can lead to high risk behaviors, highly inappropriate behaviors and troubles with the law (picture a teenager standing naked on a neighbor’s rooftop singing at the top of his lungs). Bipolar II is characterized by more eccentric-looking behavior that is out of character for the person (picture someone enthusiastically filling her entire house with antiques that she’s thinking of selling in order to make an enormous fortune – even though she’s never done anything like this before).

Loved ones of people with Bipolar Depression often miss the illness in the patient, because the manic stage is mistaken for a sign of recovery. But note that the mania stage has a particular irrational urgency to it, and is not to be mistaken for actual happiness. In fact, a depressed person with Bipolar Depression is anxious, irritable and prone to self-defeating behaviors during their emotional high.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) refers to depression that only comes during particular times of the year. For instance, there are patients who exhibit symptoms of depression only during the cold winter months, but they are otherwise fine during the summer. In other cases the opposite is true; it’s the summer that brings in the blues. In tropical countries, the rainy season can be the most troublesome part of the year.

Psychotic Major Depression (PMD)
There are occasions when the depression is so intense; it causes a loss of contact with reality. A person with Psychotic Major Depression may experience hallucinations (sensing things that don’t really exist) or delusions (irrationally interpreting events and observations). Psychotic symptoms in PMD are often temporary, and will go away once the cause of the depression is addressed. The condition is not to be confused with schizophrenia, which can also cause depression.

Atypical Depression
A kind of depression that is difficult to diagnose and treat is called atypical depression. As the term implies, atypical depression is depression whose symptoms don’t always follow what is traditionally associated with clinical depression. The symptoms also appear to come and go, and can be lifted by positive life events. It is believed that atypical depression is primarily biological in origin, a product of chemical imbalance in the brain.

Symptoms of atypical depression may include loss of energy, unexplained and uncontrollable crying, insomnia or hypersomnia, irritability, unexplained aches and pains, difficulty concentrating and loss of interest in daily tasks.

Depression in Teenagers

The teenage years are known to be emotionally challenging. Kids are going through so many transitions and are experiencing so many pressures at this time. Aside from the physical changes of puberty and their effect on body image and personal confidence,  there’s also adjustments to high school and dating and new challenges in the realms of alcohol, drugs, sexuality and the virtual social universe. For the most part, adolescents negotiate all of this without too much trouble. However, a percentage of teenagers will struggle with addictions and mental health challenges. Adolescence is the time when many people first experience panic attacks, eating disorders and mood episodes.

Teenage depression is one mood disorder that is fairly common, affecting around 20% of teenagers. Some forms of depression are comparatively mild while others can be so intense that they are life-threatening. In all cases, adolescent depression must be taken seriously. Parents need to know about depression and what they can do to help their kids.

What is Depression?
Depression is a mood disorder characterized by low mood (which, in teenagers, is most often expressed as irritability or “moodiness,” but can also be expressed as sadness), hopelessness, trouble making decisions, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, weight gain or weight loss and sleeping problems (most commonly, waking up around 2 or 3 a.m. or getting up way too early).  Unlike episodic sadness, depression is stronger and seems harder to manage. A person who is depressed cannot simply “shake the blues away” or decide to cheer up. In fact, they feel flat, like there is nothing that can make them happy or give them pleasure. When this state of mind is so intense that it interferes with a child’s social functioning (i.e. she is withdrawing from her friends) and/or academic functioning (i.e. she can’t concentrate, can’t study, is doing poorly in her schoolwork and grades are slipping) and it has occurred pretty consistently for a two week period, it may be an episode of “Major Depressive Disorder.” When the state of mind is less intense (does not interfere with social or academic functioning) and chronic (lasting for at least 2 years fairly consistently), then it may be a form of depression called “Dysthymia.” Of course, diagnoses of either of these disorders occurs when the mood disorder is NOT being caused by something else (like withdrawal from drugs or use of alcohol or a traumatic experience, etc.). The only real way to know if a child is depressed is to have her assessed by a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist. The child’s symptoms may indicate another disorder entirely or the child may be “normal” – just going through a rough time. However, it’s crucial that parents don’t try to diagnose their child themselves. Clinical depression can lead to suicide in teenagers.

Experts believe that depression has a biological origin. While a family history of depression doesn’t automatically condemn a teen to get the disease, it increases the likelihood of depression when other risks factors are present in the child’s life. Risk factors for teen depression include a history of childhood depression (chronic unhappiness in childhood), instability in the family, troubled or weak relationship with parents, poor emotional management skills (too much anger, moodiness or anxiety), lack of social support (good friends and/or loving relationships) and stressful life events like loss (of a significant relationship) or failure (to make the team, or get desired grades, etc.).

How can Parents Help a Teenager with Depression?
It’s ideal if you can establish an open relationship with your child before depression strikes. This way, she is more likely to come to you for help when what she is feeling becomes too overwhelming to ignore. You can help by listening. In fact, it is more important to listen than to talk. A depressed child does not need a pep talk. She needs professional care. Let her talk about her feelings without offering her advice or easy solutions. Instead, use emotional coaching (name her feelings). For instance, you can say things like, “That sounds really hard,” or “I can see how much that’s bothering you” or “I hear how hopeless you feel.” Follow such remarks with, “I think the best help for these kinds of feelings is professional help. A psychologist who works with teenagers knows all about this stuff and knows how to help kids feel so much better. These are such important issues and they deserve the best help that we can find. How would you feel if I asked Dr. Green (the child’s pediatrician) for a referral to a good psychologist?” If the child doesn’t want to accept help, wait a couple of days and raise the subject again. The best help you can give your child is to get her to a mental health professional. If firmness is required, then use it. Do whatever you would do if you suspected that your child had diabetes. (You would do whatever was necessary to get your child to a doctor; do the same thing for this condition). Your child will thank you once she is experiencing an improved mood!

Treatment for Depression

Contrary to popular belief, depression isn’t  simply a case of “bad attitude.” Someone suffering from depression can’t just talk him or herself out of it or cheer him or herself up with a good movie or a round of exercise. Depression is a serious mental illness, whether it comes in the form of severe sporadic episodes (major depressive episode) or whether it is a chronic state that affects overall functioning (dysthymia).  If you’ve suffered from depression yourself, you know that the sadness and lethargy that comes with the condition can be debilitating. But while depression can be overwhelming, it’s also a mental health condition that is very treatable. Many people recover even from severe depression, and many treatment options are known to be effective.

The following are some of the  ways a person can cope with depression:

Work with a Qualified Mental Health Practitioner
Seek a highly trained psychologist or psychiatrist to help you overcome depression. While social workers, psychotherapists and counselors may be trained in general counseling techniques, they are not necessarily trained in the treatment of serious mental health conditions. You have a right to know what kind of training your practitioner has in the condition that you are suffering from. Just ask. Clinical psychologists and psychiatrists have training in the diagnosis and treatment of depression. Psychologists provide therapy such as CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy), Mindfulness Psychotherapy for Depression, Interpersonal Therapy, Experiential Therapy,  and many other treatments. Psychiatrists may or may not have training in psychological treatments for depression, but they DO have the appropriate training in the biological aspects of the disorder and can provide appropriate medication and other biological treatments. If you suffer from mild depression that doesn’t interfere with your ability to function, you may benefit from the services of any therapist who works with mood issues (as opposed to clinical depression).

Consider Alternative Therapies
Some people don’t need or don’t want psychotropic medication for their depressive symptoms. There are many excellent alternative therapies that can contribute to the relief of mood issues. Herbal medicine, homeopathy, Bach Flower Therapy, acupuncture, nutritional therapies and more, are all available to address symptoms of depression. You can find more information about these therapies in books or online.

Additional Aids in Fighting Depression
The following may also prove useful to you in reducing symptoms of depression:

  • Following a structured exercise program (look for a qualified fitness trainer to guide you), yoga or martial arts program may provide a chemical boost that reduces the symptoms of depression.
  • Some hospital programs for depression offer 8 or 12 week courses in mindfulness meditation to reduce depression. Ask your doctor about these, or find a private program in your area.
  • Support groups may prove effective in reducing depression symptoms. These can be done in person, but there are also online support groups available. Look for one in your area or speak to your doctor to get reccomendations.

Self-Help
There are many excellent books and on-line resources for depression. Take advantage of them! You can also find CD’s with guided imagery for depression, affirmations, hypnotic suggestions and more. There are emotional-relief strategies that you can learn on-line as well such as Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) – an effective tool for combating mood symptoms. Do research and learn what’s out there. It may not all be for you, but there will be something that you can benefit from.

Symptoms of Depression

Depression is the most common complaint presented to mental health practitioners. This is not surprising; almost all of us have experienced sadness at some point in our lives, with some episodes being quite intense. However, clinical depression is not just sadness. It is a multifaceted illness that affects every aspect of a person’s functioning. It causes major distress and disrupts the sufferer’s ability to carry on with work, school, or other responsibilities. The illness can occur among the young and old, the rich and poor, the educated and the uneducated, and it can come at any point in a person’s lifetime. The good news is: depression is treatable. When sufferers are trained to spot the early symptoms, the onset of depression can be managed and relapses can be avoided.

What are the Symptoms of Depression?
Symptoms of depression can be classified into four categories: emotional, mental, behavioral and physiological symptoms. Let’s take a closer look at each one:

Emotional Symptoms of Depression
Mood disturbance is the most significant among the symptoms of depression. An individual with depression may be prone to feelings of sadness, emptiness, dejection, helplessness, hopelessness and lack of self-worth. Episodes of crying, irritability and/or of anger are also common. A marked loss of interest in work, relationships and self-care may also be seen.

Mental Symptoms of Depression
There are also cognitive symptoms associated with depression. Psychologist Beck believes that people with depression are tortured by what he calls the cognitive triad: a negative view of one’s self, a negative view of the world and a pessimistic view of the future.

Self-accusation and mental anguish are typical, especially when the obsessions start to come. For instance, a depressed individual may constantly tell himself that he is ugly, incompetent or unwanted; that others do not care about his welfare; and that tomorrow will offer no relief. It is this cognitive triad that keeps a depressed person stuck in the rut, unless some form of therapy is conducted to correct and heal the debilitating thoughts.

Depression can also cause a person to have difficulty making decisions or concentrating on tasks.

Behavioral Symptoms of Depression
Depression may be about an internal state, but symptoms of depression can be objective and observable. In many cases, physical appearance already provides a clue regarding the depressed person’s mental health. People with severe depression may not care much about their appearance or even their hygiene. They may gain or lose significant amounts of weight. Their movements may be slower or faster than those of the average person, and there may be a delay in their communication. They may have difficulty in accomplishing their job or otherwise carrying on their normal tasks. They may withdraw from others.

Physiological Symptoms of Depression 
Depression is an illness that affects the entire person — his or her physicality and biological processes included. People with depression suffer from disturbed patterns of eating and sleeping. They can have loss of appetite or an increase in appetite (what is called emotional eating). They can suffer with various forms of insomnia (trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, waking up in the wee hours, etc. Or, they can end up sleeping much longer than the average person. They may be more prone to ailments such as heart conditions, stomach disturbances, infections, unexplained pain and vague disorders.

If you or loved one has symptoms like those above, consult a doctor or mental health practitioner. Treatment not only provides more rapid relief than “waiting it out,” but also helps prevent recurrences of the disorder.

Grumpy or Abusive Upon Awakening

Parent: “Good morning, sweetie. Breakfast is ready – come get it before it gets cold!”
Child: “Get out of my room! “

Mornings can be quite stressful when you’re dealing with a grumpy child. Morning grouches can range all the from snappy and irritable to rude, mean and/or aggressive. They may be also be contrary, uncooperative or outright defiant. In many cases, they can spoil the day before it’s even started.

Sometimes morning grouches are totally pleasant people at any other hour of the day; sometimes they are the logical manifestation of a routinely negative temperament. Whether they are full time grumps or just morning grumps, parents need to know how to get them up and running.

What can parents do with children who are grumpy or hostile upon awakening? Consider the following tips:

Your Child Simply isn’t a Morning Person
It’s the same for children as it is for adults: some are night owls; others are morning people. Whether it’s innate personality, or an inborn biological clock, it may be best to understand that the youngster is “morning-challenged.”  It’s O.K. to accept some morning moodiness, but do not accept bad behavior – including rudeness, violence or any other unacceptable behavior. It’s O.K. if the child cannot greet you with smiles and sunny cheer. It’s not O.K. if the child is unpleasant or mean.

Consider Sleep Factors
Some children and teens are miserable in the morning because they are sleep-deprived. Sleep deprivation can occur as a result of too little sleep (going to bed too late), but it can also occur as a result of poor quality sleep (i.e. caused by sleep apnea or other sleeping disorders). If your child is going to sleep too late, take steps to make sure that he or she goes to bed earlier. However, if your child is going to sleep at the right time, consider speaking to your child’s doctor about the morning issues and ask for a sleep assessment. What you might have judged to be poor behavior might actually be a health disorder.

Make it Pleasant
In less drastic cases, the creation of morning rituals may be enough to ward off the morning grumps. Some children wake up stressed and/or anxious about the day ahead. Rituals are very soothing, especially for the very young. If you have a young child who has mood issues in the morning, perhaps charting a structured morning routine can help. Use your imagination and make it fun as well as easy to follow: songs, poems, and stories may help move the morning routine along. For school-age kids, read a couple of knock-knock jokes instead of offering the traditional “time to get up” notice.  Consider using a funny or fun alarm clock – this can work nicely for teens too. Or, use a graduated alarm clock that uses light and pleasant tones to gently awaken the slumbering child. Play the child’s favorite music on speakers. Keep the atmosphere light and positive. Spray the room with calming essential oils or – in the case of aggressive morning kids – Rescue Remedy spray. When your child does show any sign of improvement, make sure to offer acknowledgement, praise and even reward – you want to encourage him to continue to work in the right direction.

Use Discipline if Necessary
Some kids (and adults!) are rude in the morning simply because they can be. No one is stopping them. And yet, these same youngsters suddenly improve their ways when someone “lays down the law.” Showing a zero tolerance for morning abuse, backed up by appropriate consequences, can stop morning abuse in its tracks. Remember, you’re not asking your child to feel happy about having to get up in the morning; you are only demanding that the child act in a respectful manner no matter how tired, irritated or displeased he or she might be feeling. Use the 2X-Rule to structure a plan of discipline. The next time your child is verbally abusive or otherwise disrespectful in the morning, tell him or her the new rule: “It’s not O.K. to speak to me in an unpleasant tone of voice or to say unpleasant words because everyone deserves to be treated with respect at all times. If you are in a bad mood in the morning, that is fine, but you need to speak and act respectfully nonetheless.”  Then, when the child behaves inappropriately on another day, repeat the rule and add the warning of consequences to come. For instance, “If you are in a bad mood in the morning, that is fine, but you need to speak and act respectfully nonetheless. And from now on, when you behave this way, such & such consequence will occur.” Name a specific negative consequence (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice by Sarah Chana Radcliffe for more details about the 2X-Rule and for ideas about selecting age-appropriate consequences). On the third occasion of rudeness or lack of cooperation, apply the consequence. Use the same consequence as long as you are seeing improvement in the morning rudeness but, if after 3 or 4 times of using the same consequence there is still no improvement, change the consequence and try again.

Consult a Professional
If you have tried all these interventions and your child is still grumpy upon awakening, do consider speaking to your child’s pediatrician about the issue.

How to Raise Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence (E.Q.) refers to “people smarts.” A person with high emotional intelligence understands both himself and others. Not only does the person understand people, but he also knows how to make them feel comfortable – he knows how to bring out the best in others. As a result, the person with high E.Q. experiences more success in relationships and at work. Kids with high E.Q. have better relationships at home and at school, with kids and with adults. Moreover, high E.Q.in children and teens is associated with better academic performance, better physical health, better emotional health and better behavior. In adults, high E.Q. is associated with better performance in every area of life.

What can you do to help foster your child’s emotional intelligence? In this article we will discuss ways one can boost their child’s emotional intelligence.

Adapt an Authoritative, Not an Autocratic Parenting Style
Parenting style has a huge influence on children’s emotional intelligence. When parents can guide their children while still being sensitive to their feelings, children have higher E.Q. Authorative parents are warm, but consistent in setting appropriate limits and boundaries. They will use discipline, but not at the expense of respectful communication and care. Their children will learn how to be sensitive to others and they will also learn how to “talk to themselves” compassionately, modelling after their parents. This gentle self-talk becomes a major aspect of their emotional intelligence, a tool they can use to reduce their stress in a healthy way.

Autocratic parents, on the other hand, don’t care that much about the child’s feelings. Instead, they focus on the rules of the household, what is allowed and what is prohibited, what the child may and may not do. Sensitivity to the child’s inner world is missing. In this case, children fail to experience parental empathy and as a result, fail to learn how to soothe their own upset emotions. They may attempt to relieve their discomfort by becoming aggressive, acting out their feelings. Eventually they may turn to comforts outside of themselves such as addictions (to food, alcohol, drugs, etc.). Acting out and addictive behavior reflects lower E.Q.

The more feeling words used by parents and educators, the more sensitive a child becomes to his inner reality. Most of us tend to use few emotion words in our dealings with children, and when we do, we often use the same few tired ones over and over.  It is important that we move beyond “mad,” “sad,” “glad,” and “scared.”  Shades of feeling are most helpful and can be used when describing our own feelings or the child’s feelings. Words like irritated, annoyed, frustrated, anxious, worried, terrified, alarmed, disappointed, hurt, insulted, embarrassed, uncomfortable, unsure, curious, interested, hopeful, concerned, shocked, elated, excited, enthusiastic, let down, abandoned, deserted, mellow, calm, peaceful, relaxed, bored, withdrawn, furious, enraged, frightened, panicked, and proud can be used DAILY to help provide an emotional education in the home or classroom. These are the regular feelings that children have in facing life, stimulated by everyday experiences, dreams, movies and even novels. Identifying a youngster’s emotional reaction and feeding it back to him, helps him to become aware of his inner processing. This information then forms the core of his emotional intelligence, providing an accurate barometer of his response to his world. From this place of inner certainty, a child is well-equipped to navigate life, knowing what he feels, what he is searching for and when he has attained it. His familiarity with the world of feelings allows him to connect accurately and sensitively with others. This prevents him from hurting other people’s feelings with words and further, permits him to achieve great kindness and sensitivity in his interpersonal transactions.

Here are some practical steps you can take to bring feelings into focus:

  1. Respond to your child. From the time your child is a crying infant to the time she is a young adult, be sure to be responsive. This means that you take her communications seriously. If she cries, try to come (instead of making her cry it out.). If she asks for something, try to answer her promptly. If she talks, you listen and respond appropriately. All of this responsiveness builds emotional intelligence because you are giving your youngster valuable relationship feedback. In the opposite scenario, in which a parent either fails to respond or responds only after a long waiting period, the child learns that people tune each other out. This causes the child to shut down. She assumes that her feelings aren’t that important based on lack of parental responsiveness and from this concludes that people’s feelings aren’t that important – the very OPPOSITE of the conclusions made by emotionally intelligent people. Quick responsiveness gives the message that people’s feelings matter. This is a prerequisite concept for emotional intelligence.
  2. Use a FEELING vocabulary. Pepper your daily conversation with “feeling” words. You can name your own feelings. Let your child know that you feel excited or dismayed or discouraged or resentful or whatever. This gives your child the vital information that everyone – including parents – has feelings and an inner life. Some people do this naturally, of course, but many do not. For instance, when a child is making too much noise, a parent may just say something like, “Can you please quiet down?” However, the Emotional Coach would say something like, “I’m starting to feel overwhelmed with all this noise going on. Can you please quiet down?” Similarly, a regular parent might give positive feedback to a child in this way, “I like the way you waited patiently in line with me at the bank today.” An Emotional Coach, on the other hand, might say something like, “I felt very relaxed with you in the bank today because you were waiting so patiently.” In other words, the Emotional Coach looks for opportunities to describe his or her inner experience. It is this description that helps the child begin to build an emotional vocabularly that will open the doors to Emotional Intelligence.
  3. Name your child’s feelings. Children feel feelings all day long but not all parents comment on them. In fact, many parents are more practical, focusing on solutions to problems. For instance, if a child is upset because there are no more of his favorite cookies left in the jar, the typical parent might say, “I’ll pick up some more for you when I go shopping this week.” While that solves the problem, it doesn’t build emotional intelligence. An Emotional Coach might say, “Oh, that’s so disappointing! You really love those cookies! I’ll pick some up for you when I go shopping this week.” The extra few words acknowledging the child’s inner world (“Oh that’s so disappointing”) make all the difference when it comes to building Emotional Intelligence. Similarly, parents often try to get kids to STOP their feelings or at least SHRINK their feelings by saying things like, “Just calm down – it’s not such a big deal” or “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” of “Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.” The Emotional Coach, on the other hand, accepts all the child’s feelings, giving the child the name for what is going on inside. “I can see how upset you are,” or “You’re really scared about this,” or “It so important to you,” and so on. By accepting all feelings as they are, the Emotional Coach teaches kids not to be afraid of or overwhelmed by feelings. This is a very important part of becoming emotionally intelligent.
  4. Teach your child how to express emotions appropriately. While all feelings are acceptable, all BEHAVIORS are not. It is not O.K. to hit and scream just because you feel angry. It is not O.K. to cry for an hour at the top of your lungs just because you are disappointed. Parents must teach children – by their example and by their interventions – the appropriate behavioral expression of emotions. For instance, parents can teach children to express their anger in a respectful way by saying things like, “When you are mad at your brother for touching your puzzle, just tell him ‘I don’t want you to touch my puzzle. I’m working hard on it and it bothers me when you move the piece around.’ Don’t slap his hand!” Parents will have to use the normal techniques of positive attention, encouragement and discipline to get the lessons across. It is, of course, essential, that parents are respectful themselves in the way they express their upset, fear and disappointment. See “The Relationship Rule” in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice for details on how to teach the proper way to express negative emotions.
  5. Let them experience failure and disappointment. It’s understandable that parents want to protect their children from disappointment. But know that rescuing children from pain, to the point that they never get to experience life, will backfire in the long run. Children need to know how to bounce back from adversity — resilience muscles need training too! And children won’t know how it is to rebound from disappointment if they aren’t allowed to experience it to begin with. When your child gets a poor mark on a project, don’t rush to the teacher to get the mark raised; instead, use emotional coaching with your child (that is, NAME her feelings). “This mark is so disappointing! You tried really hard and the teacher didn’t appreciate it. That is frustrating!” By naming feelings, you actually help shrink them down to size. Feeling words act as “containers” for feelings. It’s O.K. for the child to be upset, or even to cry. After awhile, she’ll calm down. And this is the important part – learning that calm follows a storm. Everything in life doesn’t need to be perfect. There is such a thing as recovery. “There will be more projects, more chances to get a good grade.” You want to show the child that you yourself aren’t afraid of negative experiences or emotions. This model that life is “survivable” can really help a child cope when the going gets rough.
  6. Expand their social network. Few parents think of other people as possible teaching instruments in promoting emotional intelligence. But kids can learn more from interesting personalities and other people’s life experiences than they can from a classroom lecture. Having to adapt well to different types of people — quiet, assertive, annoying, fun-loving — can teach a child how to regulate their behavior based on the demands of an interaction. The challenges other people go through can also provide insight on how to manage one’s own trials in life. Learning vicariously through the success and failure of other people is a good way to raise a child’s E.Q. So if you can, go ahead and enroll your child in various clubs or organizations. When they’re a bit older, encourage them to volunteer in community service. Send them on mission trips. Let them talk with grandpa or grandma. Every person has a lesson to impart to a child.

Natural Treatment for Stress Relief

Bach Flower Remedies are one-ounce bottles of specially prepared water (see below for details). Although they are only water, they can affect the way people feel emotionally. In fact, they can help balance emotions so that a person can release stress, upset, hurt, anger, fear, sadness, irritation, jealousy, impatience  and any other distressed emotion. Indeed,  many people report that they have successfully used Bach Flower Remedies to feel calmer, sleep better, worry less, recover faster from upset and heartache, handle parenting stress and work stress better and so on. Many have also reported that they were able to see a reduction in their child’s tantrums, aggressive behaviors, moodiness  or fears because of the use of the remedies.

But the remedies can do even more than help a transitory bad feeling : they can also help correct the tendency to fall into those feelings in the first place. When the remedies are used to treat a chronic emotional issue (like a tendency to be stubborn or a tendency to be explosive), they might actually be assisting in a processes now referred to as  “epigentic healing” – the healing of the gene that leads one to experience chronically negative emotional states. We now know that genes can be turned on and off and this is what appears to be happening when someone takes a long course of Bach Flower Therapy. This means that a child who tends to be very shy can take the remedies over time to reduce the shy tendency altogether. The Bach Flowers do not change personality, however. What they do is enable a person to be their own best self. A very strong-willed, obstinate child will retain his strength of character but instead of just being difficult to live with he will be his best self: a born leader, a confident person, one who can take appropriate action. When the Flower Remedies help a childhood overcome chronic separation anxiety, they leave the child’s personality intact: it is the same youngster without debilitating fear blocking the expression of his true self.

It’s hard to believe that these little remedies can work and it’s best not to even TRY to believe that they will; rather, just try the remedies yourself and observe how you feel while taking them. Or, offer a remedy to your child and observe the child’s behavior over the next days and weeks to see if there is any difference. Bach Flowers sometimes seem to have a dramatically positive effect on both behavior and mood and other times seem to make little difference. (Of course, there is no medical or psychological treatment either that works equally well for every single person who employs it.) In the latter case, it might be that the wrong mix of remedies is being used, but it can also be that a longer period is necessary before change will occur or even that a particular person is not responsive to the remedies at the particular time that they are being offered (i.e. this could change in the future). It can also be that while the Bach Flowers are having some positive effect, a complete treatment  requires other interventions as well including strategies like nutritional support, exercise, psychotherapy and/or medicine.

How are Bach Flowers Prepared and Used?
Dr. Edward Bach, a prominent physician in Britain who died in 1935, was interested in preventative medicine. In his search for something that could boost the immune system to ward off disease or to help the body recover more quickly and thoroughly from illness, he discovered a water-based method of healing that became known as “Bach Flower Therapy.” Modern physicists use principles of quantum physics to explain how water remedies can affect human emotions. Dr. Bach, however, understood the remedies on a purely intuitive level. He felt their effects and he could see what they were able to do to effectively relieve stress and emotional distress.

Bach Flower Remedies are prepared by taking the head of a certain flowering plant and placing it in a clear bowl of pure water. The water is heated in sunlight or on a stove for several hours (depending on which flower is being used) and then the flower is removed. The water is the remedy. It is bottled (and preserved with a bit of grape alcholol) and – in our times – sold in health food stores throughout the world as well as on-line.

Bach Fower Remedies are a form of vibrational medicine, not herbal medicine. They are NOT medicinal. They do not act on the body at all. They don’t interact with other medicines or foods or health conditions or anything. They are the same as water is to the system. However, if someone cannot have even a minute amount of alcohol in their system, they should look for the newer remedies that are made using glycerin instead. In general, however, anyone can safely use Bach Flower Remedies – babies, children, teens and adults, pregnant women and elderly people. Even plants and animals respond well to the Bach Flowers!

How Does One Take Bach Flowers?
If a person is using only one of the 38 remedies, they can take 2 drops from the remedy bottle in a small amount of liquid. They should do so 4 times a day – morning, mid-day, afternoon and evening.

However, most people take anywhere from 2 to 7 remedies that have been mixed together in a “mixing bottle.” To prepare a mixing bottle, one places water in a glass bottle with a glass dropper – generally a  30 ml  (1oz.) amber bottle. (These bottles are sold wherever Bach Flower Remedies are sold and they are called Bach Mixing Bottles.) Then one adds 2 drops from each desired remedy bottle. If a person was using 7 remedies, they would be adding 14 Bach Remedy drops to their mixing bottle. To ensure that bacteria does not grow inside of the mixing bottle, a teaspoon of brandy or apple cider vinegar should be added to the bottle.

This Bach Flower Remedy Mixture is then taken, 4 drops at a time, in hot or cold liquid, with or without food. Ideally, these 4 drops are taken 4 times a day, for a total of 16 drops daily. A person takes them in the morning, mid-day, afternoon and evening.

Adults can put 4 drops of their Bach Flower mixture into coffee, tea, water, juice, soup or any other liquid. Children can take their drops in water, chocolate milk, juice, cereal or any other beverage.

A person takes their mixture until they start forgetting to take it and they no longer need it. (Or, parents give a mixture to a child until the child’s behavior or mood issues have resolved to the point where the parent is now forgetting to give it to the child)  If symptoms return (and they most likely will), the person starts taking the remedy again. In fact a person may end up using the remedy off and on for a year or two (less time in children) before the problematic tendency  disappears completely.

How Does One Know Which Remedies to Use?
Dr. Bach wanted to keep his healing method very simply. A person should be able to read the description of the 38 remedies and decide which ones he needs. Of course, some people feel that they need all 38! However, no more than 7 should be used at a time.

A person could pick up a book on Bach Flower Remedies and decide which flowers they need based on the description of who the remedy is for and what it can do. Also, most health food stores have a pamphlet that explain what the remedies can too. Alternatively, a person can make an appointment with a Bach Flower Practitioner who will be pleased to help them design a remedy for themselves or their child.