Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is so important to children's well-being. High emotional intelligence (E.Q.) leads to better functioning in every area of life: better grades, better social skills, better behavior, better mental health and even better physical health.  Adults with high emotional intelligence also experience all of these benefits plus the added benefit of more career success.

Emotional intelligence refers to a child's ability to know his or her own feelings. Once a child can identify what he is feeling, he is better able to understand the feelings of others. This improves his social functioning. Knowing what he is feeling also helps a child feel more confident  -  he trusts himself and can rely on inner feedback to help him make choices and decisions. He relies on his own intuition to help him choose companions and activities. His creativity and mental agility improves.

Parents can help their children develop higher emotional intelligence. They can do this by routinely naming a child's feelings. When they see that a child is upset, for instance, they can say "I see how upset/frustrated/angry you are." Then they can continue to problem solve, give advice or do other parenting interventions. The first step - naming feelings - is simple yet powerful. It is an action that says in effect "I see you" and "I understand you" and "I accept you." These implied messages give the child the feedback she needs in order to trust her own inner experience.

Parents can also read books to their children about emotions. There are lots of books available today that explain feelings in simple language with accompanying pictures and/or stories for young children. There are also some stories being written specifically to help develop emotional intelligence.

It is important that parents never discount, mock or correct a child's feelings. We feel what we feel. In fact, all feelings are acceptable - although not all behaviors are acceptable. A parent can acknowledge a child's anger while still educating him that hitting and name-calling are forbidden activities. Dr. John Gottman's excellent book "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" helps parents to avoid communication strategies that stunt emotional growth. Sarah Chana Radcliffe's book "Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice" helps parents know when to provide emotional coaching (naming and supporting feelings) and when and how to use teaching strategies to change inappropriate behaviors. A child is entitled to all of her feelings, but she will only have successful relationships if she knows how to express those feelings in a respectful way.

Helping children to develop emotional intelligence is one of the greatest gifts that parents can give their kids - it is like giving them the key to a successful life.