FORGIVING THEM

Living in a family inevitably leads to emotional bumps and bruises. Spouses let each other down by failing to understand or care, by being forgetful and neglectful, by being irresponsible and by hurting each other in all kinds of ways. Parents hurt their kids in all these ways and more, often accidentally, often through their own limitations. Children, too, can hurt their parents. They show disrespect for feelings and property. They speak and act in hurtful ways and they engage in behaviors that alarm, disappoint and dismay their parents. Family life is full of love, but also full of frustration, disappointment and injury. Even members of the extended family who live across the world can their relatives cause distress!

Of course, being hurt is part of being human. Being willing to engage with others means being willing to take some emotional risks. After all, it’s not only family members who can step on our toes: neighbors, colleagues, friends and even strangers can cause both minor and major hurt. While getting hurt is part of life, we can’t just accept the pain into our hearts; we have to deal with it in order to heal it. There are negative emotional, physical and spiritual consequences of holding on to interpersonal wounds. But how do we let them go?

The Structure of Interpersonal Injuries

Let’s examine what happens in a wounding social interaction, by looking at the example of two friends, Esther and Brenda. Esther has been under a lot of stress lately. When the two friends get together for coffee one afternoon, something goes sour in their communication. Esther makes some comment about her plans for an upcoming vacation and Brenda makes a bitter sarcastic remark. When the friends part, Brenda is still thinking about Esther’s comment, noting that this isn’t the first time that this sort of thing has happened. Every time that Esther is stressed, she becomes nasty. Brenda is tired of being a victim of Esther’s personal problems.

At night, Brenda is still thinking about what happened. As she churns it over in her mind, she is attaching herself to the negative energy of it more and more. In fact, what she is attaching to is Esther’s bad energy. When Esther made her hurtful remark, she took dark, unpleasant energy that was inside of her and dumped it onto Brenda. Now Brenda is occupying herself with that dark energy. The energy forms a sort of tube or cord, connecting Brenda to Esther. Even though Esther has left the restaurant and returned to her own house, she is still connected to Brenda through that cord. What Brenda needs to do is CUT the cord loose to allow Esther’s bad energy to move back to her where it belongs. This muddy energy is Esther’s pain and stress – it doesn’t belong to Brenda. But how can Brenda cut that cord and move on?

Forgiving Interpersonal Injuries

There is an ancient Jewish “forgiveness prayer” that is said nightly before bedtime. It begins, “Master of the Universe, I hereby forgive everyone who angered me and who aggravated me or transgressed against me whether against my person or my property or my honor or in any other way, whether under compulsion, whether willingly, whether unintentionally or intentionally, whether with words, actions, thoughts or fantasies, whether in this lifetime or another…” The prayer teaches us that when a person gives us their bad energy and we choose to hold it close inside of us – in our minds as we turn it over and over and in our hearts as we repeatedly recycle the pain – we remain attached to that person through that energy. It doesn’t matter if the person has left the room, the city or the world, we are still attached to them through the cord of negative energy - until WE cut that cord. We say the Forgiveness Prayer at night to set our souls free.

To effectively cut that cord, it helps to name the damage as completely as possible, before saying the prayer. For serious interpersonal transgressions, individual counseling is helpful and/or follow the process outlined in the book “Forgiving the Unforgivable” by social worker Debbie Flanigan. For more common, everyday type insults, hurts and injuries, a daily “clearing” process is usually sufficient. Energy Psychology tools are especially helpful for this exercise. Techniques such as WHEE, by psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Benor (www.wholistichealingresearch.com) or EFT by Gary Craig (www.emofree.com) are a good place to begin learning how to use Energy Psychology. These rapid healing strategies can bring complete resolution and clarity in only minutes. Once the pain is named and released, its toxic energy will go back to its owner. Sometimes it is possible to heal relationship wounds by working directly with the hurtful person (within a therapy context or without that help). Sometimes forgiveness must occur even when the hurtful person cannot or will not be part of the healing process. The most important thing is for us to be able to be whole and healthy despite the various assaults and insults that we sustain. Forgiveness work will bring us there.