Coping with the death of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through. There are, of course, the feelings that typically come with loss: disbelief, sadness, anger, and fear. There may also be complicating stressors: unfinished business, having to manage funeral services, and the need to take on roles the person who passed away left behind. In times of grieving, we need all the support that we can get.
Children too, need help in dealing with loss. It’s easy for adults to assume that kids do not feel strong emotions when someone they know passed away. It’s easy to dismiss complicating stress; changed routines, unanswered questions, or vicarious stress. Indeed, when it comes to the grief of children, parents may also be prone to trivialize their children’s emotions. This happens especially if kids are not grieving over people, but, say, pets that died.
It’s important for parents to be sensitive to their children’s grief. Grief is a crisis moment for kids as it is for adults, and they need to know there is someone they can rely on for support. More importantly, a loss early in life is a learning opportunity. If your kids felt abandoned or misunderstood as they go through loss, they may have difficult managing painful emotions in the future.
Here are some tips to help your children cope with death:
Discuss what happened, in a way suitable to their developmental stage. Never sidestep the topic of death, or downplay the event through statements like “you’re too young to understand”, “we can get you a new pet!” or “I don’t understand why you’re upset about this.” Kids are very sensitive. Even if they’re too young to understand what death actually is, chances they notice that something is wrong. In cases of death in the family, kids will pick up the sadness all around them.
So tell them that yes, someone (or something) died.
If you’re talking to a toddler, explain what change happened that’s relevant to them. “Grandpa can’t visit here anymore. He won’t play see-saw with you anymore. And Mommy and Daddy are sad that he’s gone.” Older children may be able to process more abstract explanations: “Your dog died. He got sick and his body can’t fight the infection. He won’t be able to play with you anymore.” Make sure that you tailor fit the explanation to your kid’s age; tell them there’s a loss, but don’t include possibly traumatic information.
Acknowledge what they feel.
Give them an opportunity to vent out what they’re feeling, whether it’s sadness, confusion or anger. Tell them it’s okay if they want to cry, stomp their feet or shout. Assure them there’s nothing wrong in missing those who passed, and wishing they are still there.
Younger kids can be encouraged to express their emotions through creative ways. You can ask them to draw, create stories or express in play what they want to say.
Let them be irritable while grieving; this is normal. And always be there to offer your support and assurances. Tell them you’d answer all the questions they have, and that you can be approached if they don’t want to be alone.
Note: it’s normal for kids to experience nightmares or perceive “ghosts” at this time. When you notice that your child may be struggling with fear, identify the cause and address it. For instance, kids may be afraid that what happened to the one who died will also happen to them, and to other people they love. Assure them that while everyone dies eventually, it’s not likely to happen to them or you soon.
Create a Ritual for Closure Don’t give your child unrealistic hope; don’t say that the dead loved one “will come back someday” or “is just on vacation.” Kids need to say goodbye, and understand that death final and irreversible. One way that you can do this is to create a ritual for closure.
Rituals give kids, as they do adults, a sense of “end” to something that they loss. They can be very therapeutic to a grieving child; they give kids something concrete they can refer to when they feel sad. This is better than leaving them to imagine all kinds of things they associate with the trauma of death.
Examples of rituals that parents can do with their kids include a memorial service, creating artwork in memory of the dead, and praying and lighting candles for the one who passed away. Let them say goodbye to the one who passed, and ask them to do so when they feel ready. This way you can also be respectful of a child’s normal resistance to closure.
