The Daily Grind

    The daily battle begins somewhere between 7 and 8 a.m. as parents everywhere try to get their teenagers out of bed. Although the occasional teen is an independent, early morning riser, many kids this age have trouble getting out from under those covers. Recent research shows that there is a good biological reason for this. Chemicals in a teenager's brain make the youngster alert later at night and in sleep mode longer in the morning than both younger and older people. So you see, it's not your kid's fault that he never wants to go to bed and never wants to get up! But if school starts at 9 (and some schools have actually changed to a later starting time to account for this brain factor), there is still the practical issue to deal with: how to get your teenager out of bed.

What Not to Do
   
    Neither parents nor teens enjoy starting the day with a fight. So don't. You, as the parent, set the tone: if YOU don't fight, your teen won't - because, after all, your teen is sleeping. Your youngster barely hears you talking. After a bit, they begin to hear a loud noise (you yelling) but they don't know what it's all about (amazing how they can be stunned every morning in this way, never figuring out that the loud voice is you trying to wake them up!)

    So you see, if you don't raise your voice, you have already accomplished much toward having a peaceful start to the day. Now why is it that parents do tend to raise their voice or get nasty in other ways when waking up an adolescent?

    To begin with, the parent often acts as an unwilling snooze alarm. He or she comes into the room at wake-up time and greets the child pleasantly enough. The child is unaware of this activity. The parent comes back a second time and repeats the greeting with a few more intense notifications about the precise clock time and the up-coming demands of the morning. The child may open an eye, maybe even say good-morning. This fools the parent into thinking "mission accomplished." So the parent leaves. However, not hearing any further signs of life, the parent returns shortly and begins a third round of coaching. Now the teen begins to realize something is happening, but his brain is moving in slow motion (for those biological reasons we mentioned earlier). He promises to get up. The parent, naive despite the daily repetition of this scenario, feels placated and leaves again. However, it soon becomes obvious from the lack of movement, that the youngster has simply rolled over and gone back to sleep. Now the parent enters the room enraged and begins the morning tirade: "I am sick and tired of waking you up in the morning! Use your alarm clock from now on. Or just don't get up at all - I don't care if you ruin your life!"

What to Do Instead

    The first thing to do is to make sure that your relationship with your teenager is positive. A good relationship is a pre-requisite for mutually respectful problem-solving. Remember to limit your criticism, threats, negativity, hurtful remarks and so on. Employ the 90-10 Rule (see "Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice."). Take a few days or even a couple of weeks to strengthen the relationship before you try to approach the morning issue.

    In order to avoid the distressing morning routine, parents need to work out a realistic plan with their youngsters. In the evening, have a little chat with your teen. Let him or her know that you understand that it is really hard for adolescents to get up in the morning and it isn't their fault at all. Tell them that you hate to start the day by yelling, lecturing, threatening and otherwise having a fit. Acknowledge that this can't be a pleasant way for them to wake up either. Ask THEM to come up with some ideas.

    Sometimes kids don't mind the way the morning routine works, even if it isn't so calm. That's because YOU feel more stress than they do about it because you are actually awake when all this is going on - they are sleeping through most of your aggravation! Coming up with an alternative strategy can therefore be more for you than for them. However, kids are often sympathetic toward the parent, not wishing to induce more stress than the parent already experiences just by being an adult. Therefore, they are usually willing to make suggestions.

    Interestingly, many teenagers want their parents to wake them, even though they have a good alarm clock near by. One reason for this is that teens regularly use a snooze alarm button - a device that trains the brain to ignore the alarm signal. The snooze alarm says in effect, "Turn me off and go back to sleep" - which is just what the child will do. Kids know their parents will be more effective, often because their parents are willing to scream at the top of their lungs, shake the bed, threaten dire consequences or pour cold water over their heads! (None of which is recommended). In addition, adolescents still have that kid side of them that enjoys parental nurturing. They like the human touch.

    You can therefore suggest that if something different doesn't happen real soon, they will lose the privilege of having your morning assistance. They will have to rely totally on themselves (earning their high school credits is, after all, their project, not yours). This can inspire them to be creative in finding solutions. Some kids agree to discipline themselves if their parent's first or second call did not get them on their feet. For instance, one teen simply asked his mom to remind him that he would take himself off computer for the night if he wasn't up on the second call. Having a teen assign himself a consequence is ideal, because this age group does not always respond well to parent-imposed discipline. These kids are more like adults who must learn to restrict themselves, because there is no one else who can or will do that for them.

    Your teen may come up with an idea you never could have thought of and, because it is his or her idea, it will most likely succeed. And then you'll both enjoy your mornings more!