Relationship Errors

    People accidentally hurt each other all the time. When we hurt people’s feelings, we generally understand that this is not a good thing to be doing.  However, we often feel justified when we hurt someone and this makes it difficult to look at our own behavior honestly. After all, we our good people (we think). We hurt others only by complete accident or because they made us do it (we think).
   
Inflicting Accidental Pain

Inflicting pain is all too easy. Perhaps you walk into a room thinking you are greeting everyone but your eyes fail to fall on one person who takes the neglect to heart.
All of us unintentionally cause pain. However, we will focus in this article on the common forms of hurt that frequently occur in close family relationships – intentional pain.

Inflicting Intentional Pain

    Someone hurts us; we hurt them back. It’s not that we’re mean by nature. It’s simply that our brains are programmed to protect us against attack. There is an automated “attack-defend” program that causes us to lash out when we feel attacked by someone – unless, we manage to override the program. Learning to override this program can take a lot of serious work. However, doing that work will save us so much relationship suffering in the long run that it is definitely worth doing.

    However, let’s say we’re not there just yet. So when we feel unjustly accused, cruelly insulted, maddeningly discounted or belittled – we may just “lose it.” Even if we manage a quick recovery, a few hurtful words or looks may have escaped.

    Couples often go through you hurt me-so I hurt you–so I hurt you back–so I hurt you back also – cycles that can last for hours, days or in unfortunate circumstances, longer. Each person feels so badly wounded by the other that they are waiting for the other to repair the damage. They do not see their role in the cycle or they minimize it so that it becomes a blip on the horizon or they fail to take into account the meaning of their behavior in the context of their partner’s inner world.

Making Up

Does it really matter who started it? Of course, the little kids see it that way, but surely adults can look at the larger picture: let’s repair the rift and enjoy our lives again.

    In most cases, though not all, both people in a conflict manage to hurt each other at least somewhat. Even if the other party was MUCH worse than you, you can still initiate the healing conversation, and you will receive merit for doing so. Even if you’re always the one to apologize first, you can be the one this time also. This complaint is like asking, “Why am I the only one who gets to collect a million dollars?” Since there is tremendous value in initiating peace, there is no reason to resent doing it! Making up begins with your apology for whatever you think you need to apologize for. Only after that is settled, should you clarify whatever it is you want or need from the other person.

How to Apologize

    “I’m sorry” is not an apology. Never give reasons (excuses) for your poor behavior (“I was tired.”).  Remember that the person you’re talking to (especially if it is a close family member) may be really hurt.

    Always state exactly what you are apologizing for. “I’m sorry I said you were selfish. That was very wrong of me.” “I’m sorry I hung up on you. There’s no excuse for that kind of behavior.”

    Next, make a guess as to what emotional reaction your behavior caused in the other person. Name at least 4 feeling words in this part of your apology. “You probably felt very offended, insulted, misunderstood, unheard and mistreated when I did that.”
(If you’re not sure, the above list will fit many communication offences and you can also pick and choose from these kinds of words: hurt, abandoned, uncared for, dismissed, furious, resentful, annoyed, outraged, taken aback, invisible, unimportant, mad and upset.)

    Finally, look to the future by offering to try to do better next time. “I’m putting this on my list of things to improve on right away.”

Communicate

    The final task in relationship repair is to have a normal healthy discussion to correct the one that went awry. We will not focus on the mechanics of this process in this article, but will simply note that the correct apology often leads right into that as the offended person softens and makes his or her own apology to you.