Toddler Trouble

    Toddlers are notorious for several classical misbehaviours. To begin with, there are the toddler tantrums. Particularly embarrassing out in public, these fits of hysteria are meant communicate what words cannot: “I’m not pleased with this situation!” The full blown tantrum makes a toddler’s unhappiness perfectly clear to Mom and anyone else within earshot!

    Another toddler favourite misbehaviour is throwing food off the highchair tray. This behaviour communicates anything from “I’m a bright and curious youngster exploring the science of gravity” to “I’m finished my meal now” to “Let’s get Mom and Dad all excited!”

    A third perennial favourite is being rough with the newborn baby. This behaviour consists of “making nice” to the newborn, followed by squeezing the infant so hard that the parent fears for its life. Another sibling-related escapade involves destroying property belonging to other kids in the family. Again, the motives can range from curiosity to devilish delight in the reactions that follow.

    Toddlers can get into the nasty habit of biting people – usually for a reason, but sometimes not. Biting can be accidentally discovered as the most powerful communication technique available to a little “helpless” human being. Once discovered, it’s a hard one to shake.

    Then there are the perennials of whining, not listening, grabbing and pushing other kids. Toddlers – cute as they are – can get into lots of trouble. What’s a parent to do?

Taming Toddlers

    Although formal discipline is ineffective for most toddlers, the principles of discipline can be applied with good results. Formal discipline involves actual punishment. Many parents report that if their toddler bites someone or hurts the baby, they’ll put the toddler in a “time-out” in his crib for a number of minutes. When asked if this punishment effectively reduces the misbehaviour, parents note that it does not. And here’s the glitch: a primary rule of discipline is to note whether or not the consequence leads to an improvement in behaviour. If it doesn’t, that form of discipline should not be used! In general, parents find that negative consequences tend not to work well with toddlers. They will kick in a bit later – certainly by the time a child is 4 years old. Bits of discipline may be effective before that with some kids – the parents must take the trouble to notice the consequences of consequences.

    Even so, parents are far from empty-handed. The best ways to change behaviour throughout the two decades of raising a child involve positive attention rather than negative attention. Rewarding desirable behaviours with eye contact, verbal acknowledgement, praise or even concrete rewards and treats, is a powerful way to encourage and maintain those behaviours. A child who bites or hits should never receive as much attention as a child who remembers to use his words when frustrated. Thus a parent needs to be louder and more present for a kid who uses his words than for one who uses his hands – kind of the opposite of our natural instincts. (We tend to yell when a child is doing something wrong and often say nothing at all when she is doing something right!). Imagine a two year old holding on tight to his toy and shouting “no” to a little friend who is trying to remove it from his clutches. His parents should leap on this opportunity:: “You are using your words! Good for you! And you are keeping your hands to yourself – I think this deserves a special treat for both you boys!”

    Pay attention to behaviours you want to see more often; give as little attention as possible to undesirable behaviours. When a toddler misbehaves, withdraw attention, as if to say “I’m not very interested in this kind of behaviour.” For instance, if a toddler bites Mom she can say a very brief “no!” followed by putting the child down and walking away from him in a clearly turned off mode. This mild social rejection is more effective at ending the behaviour than long, loud and intense lectures or punishments. This strategy is equally effective for helping a toddler to stop throwing food or squeezing the baby (remove the baby in that same cold way).

    With toddlers, the “distract and redirect” process allows parents to give positive attention to positive behaviours. Remove the child from the toilet where he is busy throwing tissues down the bowl; say very little as you’re doing this; put him in front of his toy chest and now start speaking with gleeful animation: “Here is where we play with our toys! Good for you! This is where you play so nicely!” Feel free to use hugs, cookies and other props to drive the lesson home.

    Like other people, toddlers go from strength to strength. Emphasize the positive and minimize the negative and you’ll find your toddler doesn’t really need so much “discipline” after all.