NAIM  YOUR  CHILD

Marsha Jacobson MA (Cinical Psychology)

Parents will spend hours, days, and often months thinking of a name for their unborn child. It can be an agonizing and often unpleasant experience for many. The permanence of the decision feels overwhelming and we feel a weight of responsibility as we ponder the issues of name suitability. We often want uniqueness and conformity simultaneously in our desire to secure the “right” name for our child. In naming our child, we feel as though we are somehow securing their identity and ultimately who they will become. 

The care we take in naming our child reflects the beginning of a deep concern for their well-being. We hope that they will develop all the positive qualities that will promote their ultimate success and happiness. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could, as parents, be active participants in this process? We can. Once our children are named, and have arrived, we can then begin the real process of NAIM-ing them. 

NAIM is an acronym that will teach your child the abc’s of emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence, also known as EQ, refers to our ability to understand our emotions and the emotions of others. Emotional intelligence is a human skill and like all skills must be taught. We would not expect our children to be able to read without first teaching them the rudiments of letters, so too we must do the same with emotional intelligence. 

Name

Accept

Investigate

Manage

Name - Emotional intelligence is about knowing who you are and what you are feeling, acting on this knowledge, and thus determining your success and happiness. Helping your child to name or identify their feelings is the first step to reaching this goal. We can do this in many different ways. The most powerful way is to use your child’s own emotions as they happen. Take your cues from their responses to a situation. You will generally know when you have hit on the right feeling because they will tell you in some way. Affirming their feelings provides them with a feeling of connection; that they’ve been understood. It often has a calming effect. There are other ways you can identify feelings even when you don’t have cues from your child. Using imaginative play with dolls, characters, and games is one; demonstrating emotions through children’s literature is another. (See article on Children’s Literature and Emotional Intelligence.)

Accept – Once children have acknowledged and learnt how to identify feelings, you then have to teach them that it’s OK to have them. Parents generally have no problem doing this with positive emotions but often have to learn to do this with negative ones. Sadness, anger, frustration, and envy are some emotions that are part of the human experience and your children need to accept them as much as their happier feelings. They will accept them if you accept them. You can do this by naming these feelings in a non-judgemental way. You can also empathize and let them know that you have experienced similar feelings and that it’s a normal human experience.

Investigate – If we just stopped at this point, we could produce a generation of children with feelings that have no boundaries! Next, you have to become an investigator. You now have to explore with your child why they are feeling in a particular way. This is an essential part of emotional intelligence. Children learn in this phase the interaction between the way they feel and their environment. They learn to understand what situations make them feel happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. Linking their feelings to environmental or situational cues in this way allows them to bring their experience to future situations and to transfer their learning. It brings understanding and increases their abilities to control their emotions and their environment.

Manage – This is the part of the teaching process that most parents understand. Within a family there are rules. Rules of acceptable behaviour and rules of what we say to each other. This is essential not only to families but to society as a whole. We know that people who have characteristics of kindness, empathy, confidence, and perseverance are more likely to succeed than people who are lacking in these traits. Children whose feelings have been heard and accepted are much more likely to be receptive to management. Consequences, suggestions, solutions, and direction are all better executed at this point. Being consistent and resolute is important during this stage. Children need and want boundaries. They need to understand what is acceptable and what is not. If you give your child mixed messages at this point, it can be detrimental to their development of positive emotional intelligence.

The order of this teaching is very important. Children will not listen effectively unless they are heard first. Try to avoid the word but. “I hear how you feel and understand and accept, BUT …,” tends to invalidate the hard work you put into the first two stages.

Remember too that we, as parents, are also human with our own set of feelings. We all make mistakes! These can also be powerful tools for exploring and developing emotional intelligence. I will discuss this in more depth in a future article. Keep checking in!