Toddler Bites Parents
Frustrated Human Beings
Everyone is challenged by frustration, no matter what his or her age. Frustrated kids physically attack their siblings; frustrated teenagers swear at their parents; frustrated adults say and do all kinds of things they later regret. No one except for toddlers has any excuse for engaging in hurtful behaviors. Frustration may be challenging to handle, but certainly not impossible. And certainly not worth losing loving relationships over.
It is the job of parents to help their children learn how to handle feelings of frustration. Parents must help normalize frustration, accept it and even welcome it. Feelings happen. They’re normal. What human being has not or will not experience frustration? It has to happen.
What doesn’t have to happen is bad behavior. Bad language doesn’t have to happen. Hitting doesn’t have to happen. Slamming doors, hanging up and other obnoxious forms of communication don’t have to happen. Parents can help their kids identify frustration and release it in harmless ways. They can then help the kids deal with whatever the source of frustration is in a healthy manner. The parents can do this by teaching and modeling frustration management skills. Obviously, parents who cope poorly with frustration will likely raise children who do the same. The parents may try to provide frustration education, but their actual model of frustration management speaks louder than words. Screaming, throwing, swearing parents usually raise kids who do some version of the same.
Fortunately, there is nothing wrong with an entire family learning how to manage frustration at the same time. In this case, parents openly acknowledge that they have a problem and they are working on it. They acknowledge that verbal and physical violence are unacceptable and they are taking classes, counseling or other steps to put an end to their old habits. Then, as long as they actually begin to improve, they will be sufficiently empowered as teachers to help their kids refrain from destructive ways of handling upset.
Frustrated Toddlers
The first lessons in frustration management begin when a child is just out of babyhood. Babies get frustrated plenty due to fatigue, hunger, tummy upset, physical discomfort, wanting to be held and so forth. The only thing they can do about it is cry. Once a child learns a few words, he has a few more options. Instead of just crying, he can say things like “no want” or “want Mommy.” By communicating his or her needs, the child will be less frustrated and will be able to release a bit of the frustration that he or she encounters. As the toddler acquires a more elaborate vocabulary, it becomes more and more possible for him or her to reduce and relieve frustration.
However, the baby ways will still persist for awhile as well. For example, frustrated toddlers will still sometimes be at a loss for words and just cry in frustration instead. Sometimes they will thrash about like earlier versions of themselves, flailing and stamping their feet. Often they’ll throw an item (a toy, some food or other object). Although these early expressions of frustration are normal in toddlers, parents still must intervene with “frustration education.” Even little kids can learn to express their frustration in words.
Many toddlers learn quite accidentally, that biting or otherwise hurting someone, is a particularly satisfying way to release feelings of helpless anger and frustration. At first, such a behavior is the product of desperation, adrenalin and infantile problem-solving skills. However, learning occurs rapidly when the toddler discovers the “power” of his or her violent action. The victim screams in sudden pain! The toddler realizes that he or she can actually use violence on purpose in order to communicate strong emotion.
Although many toddlers limit the use of their power to other people their size, they can and do also try it out on their caregivers. While they will sometimes attack teachers and babysitters, their favorite targets are often their parents. How should parents handle a biting/kicking/scratching/hurting toddler?
Helping Toddlers Stop Biting
Toddlers are too young for “real” discipline. Although some two-year-olds seem to understand the concept of negative consequences (i.e. “if you hit Mommy you’ll have to sit in a thinking chair”), most children do not really benefit from formal discipline until around the age of 3. Even then, parents are just introducing the structure of discipline in tiny steps to these youngest candidates. Although many parents put a child in a crib for a few moments for biting, this strategy usually acts only to stop the present moment from continuing. It does virtually nothing to prevent the biting behavior in the future. Discipline that doesn’t “cure” the behavior is not discipline at all and should not be used. Most misbehavior must be corrected or managed with positive attention in the first years. This means that a parent gives strong, positive attention to desirable behaviors and little or very mild attention to undesirable behaviors. Distraction can also be used in these early years to simply steer a child away from undesirable or unacceptable activities.
Parents can employ the power of attention and inattention in correcting biting and other hurtful toddler behaviors. It is essential that a child be stopped immediately from being aggressive toward his or her caregivers for several reasons. Parents must be comfortable leading, guiding and accepting authority in parenting: it is their responsibility to raise a child, not just watch him grow up! The child must comfortable in the “student” position and not fight for control. A child needs to know that he or she has parents to help, protect and guide. The parents have to like a child in order to give the child the love that is required for healthy development; it is harder to like violent, hurtful children. For these reasons among others, parents must stop the hurtful behavior quickly and firmly.
They can do this by strongly differentiating between their normal, pleasant, kind, loving selves and their very displeased, uninterested self that comes forth when the child bites or hits. Thus, they may be playing happily with the child when something happens that causes the child to become violent. Now the parent looks seriously displeased, uses a very brief stern reprimanding “NO!” and moves away sharply from the youngster. The parent should not engage in any sort of lecture or education (this actually provides too much attention for the misbehavior.) The parent should not use a sing-song, soft voice, gently breathing out “no-o-o-o-o, don’t bite Mommy.” The voice must be short and sharp (not angry). The facial expression cannot be surprised, friendly or gentle, but rather must be firm and very business-like. This sort of “rejection” (really, more a temporary withdrawal of otherwise flowing affection) should not be used for other misbehaviors, but only reserved for a child’s physically hurtful actions. The trick here is to reserve the icy cold rejecting voice for this one behavior only. The child must immediately see that this is a behavior that the parent doesn’t like. It is essential that the contrast between this harsh face of the parent and the parent’s normal, regular, routine and consistent pleasant face be strong and clear. If the parent is routinely displeased, regularly irritated, often angry, etc., then there will be insufficient contrast to be able to effectively use this technique.
Most toddlers who are used to a parent’s gentle, loving ways, will quickly learn to refrain from biting and hurting when this differentiation strategy is employed.
