Seeking Negative Attention

Defiant and Destructive

    Some little kids seem to enjoy provoking their parents. At least, it appears this way to some parents! Can toddlers really be so malevolent as to enjoy making full grown people cry? What else can account for their insistence at throwing their food all over the floor after it was so lovingly and painstakingly prepared for them? What else can account for them running away at top speed when it is time for them to get dressed, get undressed, go to the bathroom or go to bed? Exasperated parents are left exhausted, overwhelmed and furious. If they don’t cry, they scream.

    In addition to these antics, some toddlers make their parents miserable by throwing constant fits. Saying “no” to one of these guys is a fast road to a major tantrum. The little fellow throws himself on the floor, turns purple in the face and screams his head off, terrifying the baby and intimidating the parent. Some 2, 3 and 4 year olds will repeat this scene numerous times throughout each day, bringing their parents to the brink of nervous breakdowns. If the parents don’t crack up, they scream.

    Difficult as it may be to believe, there are some children this age who are capable of tremendous destruction. They climb on top of the refrigerator and throw down the appliances they find there. They cut the baby’s hair with scissors they’ve pulled out of a child-proofed drawer. They redecorate the living room walls with crayons and markers. Perhaps they are exploring their environment or perhaps they are torturing their parents—it’s hard to tell sometimes. Maybe it’s both! If the parents can’t take it any more—they scream.

Don’t Scream at Kids

    Of course, it is not O.K. for parents to scream at their kids, no matter what mischief their kids are getting into. Yelling at a child may deter him or her from a certain behaviour for a little while, but at great cost. Children can suffer serious personality disorders when parental anger is frequent and/or intense. The parent-child bond is harmed which causes the parent to loose parenting power (the more a child loves a parent, the more the child wants to be like the parent, listen to the parent, please the parent and so on; the less the child likes a parent, the less he cooperates with that parent, the less he cares to please that parent, the less he wants to be like that parent). Frequent yelling leads to more short-term problems in a child: more behaviour problems, more nervous habits, more health issues. Long-term yelling (through two decades of childrearing) leads to more difficulties in adulthood: more mental health disorders, personality disorders, marriage and parenting problems, work problems and health problems. To top this all off, yelling is not even an effective educational tool. In general, the more a parent yells, the worse the child’s behaviour becomes. In order to help children behave better, parents must behave first!

How Not to Scream at Kids

    Of course, parents are just normal people. How much can they take? When a child defiantly makes a big mess of your freshly folded laundry, are you going to just sit there and smile? No! When he jumps on the bed up-and-down-up-and-down-up-and-down when you’ve told him to get-off-the-bed-right-now 5 minutes ago already, are you going to patiently kiss him on the forehead? I don’t think so!

    So what can you do? Here are some ideas:

•    Tell yourself that the child is behaving normally for a child. Wild, crazy, frenzied, impulsive, dramatic and impulsive behaviour is actually normal in toddlers. If the child was doing these things at age 10 you could be very worried; at age 3, recognize that you are dealing with a healthy, normal youngster. The child is not actually trying to drive you crazy; normal toddlers misbehave because they are learning.  Particularly troublesome behavior can be caused by illness, inherited behavior traits, hunger, fatigue and stress. Always have a very wild toddler checked out by the pediatrician. In most cases, however, the "disorder" is called "toddlerhood."
•    When you feel like screaming but don’t, give yourself a point on your own special reward chart. After you earn 10 points, get yourself a nice treat. After you earn 50 points, get yourself a nicer treat. After you earn 100 points, take a trip to Hawaii (or some equivalent reward for the self-control you are demonstrating!).
•    Read Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice to learn the techniques that will improve your child’s behaviour and reduce your frustration.
•    Give the child LOTS of positive attention at those times that he is not getting into mischief: talk to the child when he is eating, praise him when he cooperates, give him treats for good behaviour and in general give tons of attention whenever he is doing nothing bad or something good. At those times that the child engages in inappropriate behaviors, be careful to withdraw attention: speak quietly and briefly without fanfare. Look bored and uninterested. No lectures, raised voice or other drama. Show the child that quality attention is available for good behaviour while very little attention can be offered for bad behaviour.
•    Re-direct the child with little fanfare: simply tell her to do another activity now. Hardly pay any attention to the mess, destruction or other problem that has resulted from the child’s latest antics.
•    If the child is screaming, let her. There is no need to stop her. If you are in public, you can pick her up and remove her from the place without saying anything. Do not talk to a child who is tantrumming. Talking can come later, once the child has calmed down.
•    Try to get some breaks from childcare: take time off for fun, socialization, fresh air and exercise. Your ability to handle the child will be vastly increased.
•    Picture a time 20 years from now when this child will be a successful graduate on his or her way to a great life. Hold that picture firmly in mind when you clean up the mess, restore the chaos and deal with the child’s outrageous antics. Take pictures with your cell phone and up load them for future revenge.