My Child Won't Go To Bed

Parents are Tired
 
At the end of a day, parents are tired. Unfortunately, many kids don’t feel that way. In fact, their batteries seem to be ever-ready, just running on and on. Tired parents who try to put not-tired kids to bed are not a pretty sight. Often their firmness becomes irritation and the irritation becomes exasperated rage. The bedtime ritual consists of crying and screaming (on both the child and parents’ parts!). This causes even more stress and exhaustion for parents. Of course, parents realize that their kids will eventually get tired—most likely the next morning when it’s time to get up for school. Then there will be the inevitable wake-up struggle as the parents nag and threaten and kids finally drag themselves off in a stupor. This isn’t the way family life is supposed to be and fortunately, it isn’t the way it has to be.

Getting Ready for Bed
 
School-age kids need their sleep in order to grow well, maintain a good mood and do their best academically. It’s up to parents to help kids achieve a good night’s sleep. Although parents cannot ensure that their kids will actually sleep, they can ensure that they will go to bed and stay there. Most kids who are in bed will actually go to sleep.

Parents should find out what the normal bedtimes are for kids with the same ages as their own kids, just to have a reference point. This information can be found on-line or by having some conversations with other parents. It is true that some kids need more sleep than others and this will have to be taken into account. However, it can be helpful to know that the average 7 year old goes to sleep at 7 and gets up around 7. Instead of trying to make your 7 year old go to sleep at 6 o’clock and then spending an hour fighting with him, the information guides you to select a reasonable starting point. Similarly, instead of letting the child go to sleep at midnight and then struggling with him in the morning, you can encourage the appropriate amount of sleep by starting him off at the “average bedtime for 7 year olds.”

Once a parent has selected a bedtime, the bedtime ritual can be designed. This occurs in the hour of time before the actual bedtime. If bedtime is 7 p.m. the ritual starts at 6 p.m. The ritual can include the following elements:

•     Engaging in “stepping down” activities that quiet the nervous system. In this hour no “wild” activities like wrestling or sports should occur. Stimulating activities like playing computer games or watching action movies should also be avoided. Rather, structure restful activities like reading, playing with quiet toys, listening to calming music, watching a slow paced calm movie with no emotionally charged content or coloring. 

•    Have one last snack, low in sugar.

•    Have bath and get into pajamas.

•    The child has one last bathroom trip.

•    Parent reads bedtime story.

•    Parent massages child’s back or feet.

•    Parent and child chat for a bit.

•    Nighttime supplies are put by the bed (i.e. glass of water, flashlight, favorite toy, CD player).

•    Parent has the option to lie down beside the child for a predetermined number of minutes (for example, the parent can lie down for 5 or 10 or 15 minutes but it must be the same number of minutes each night. This helps the child identify the length of the lying down time. The parent should not fall asleep in the child’s bed, but rather get up and leave after the set number of minutes.

Now that the scene is set, parents must resolve the following:

•    They will be absolutely consistent, night after night. The child’s fears or temporary illness will not change the routine.

•    They will never show irritation and certainly not anger! They will never raise their voice in order to gain the child’s cooperation.

•    They will consult books and/or a professional if they need more options for helping the child go to bed and stay in bed. The following strategies are a beginning point. If they are not fully effective, there are other strategies that can be employed. The parents need to know that they absolutely CAN get their child to go to bed and stay in bed and they can do this without any form of aggression.

Bedtime Strategies: the pleasant method
 
The parent explains to the child that once bedtime has arrived, there will be no more activities of any kind: no more hugs and kisses, no more stories, no more going to the bathroom, no more water, no more staying to lie down and so on. The child is told that she must stay in bed once the bedtime comes. The parents can point to the clock and show where the hands are when bedtime has arrived.

If this works, then you do not have a bedtime problem with your child and you aren’t reading this article for the benefit of your own family.

If it doesn’t work, you have a normal child who has not yet been trained to stay in bed. So here’s how you proceed.
 
Start with the pleasant approach. When your child pops out of bed, tell her that she needs to stay in bed. Tell her to go back to bed while you leave the room for a minute. Tell her that you will come back in just one minute. Make sure to do so. Once you are back, rub the child’s back and praise her for waiting nicely for you. Sit beside her for two more minutes and then tell her you have to go. Tell her you’ll come check on her in three minutes. Look at your watch. When three minutes are up, come back, rub her back and praise her for waiting for you. Sit by her bed for three minutes. Then tell her you have something to do, but you’ll be back in five minutes and she should wait for you. Come back in 5 minutes, rub her back and sit by her bed for 3 minutes. Then tell her you have to do something and you’ll be back to check on her in 10 minutes.  Come back as promised. If she is still awake, repeat the sequence of events. After the sitting period, tell her you have something to do but you’ll be back in 15 minutes. Come back. If she is still awake, repeat the sequence for 20 minutes, then 30, then 45 and then 60. If your child stayed up all this time, she is not tired enough for the bedtime you set. If she did fall asleep somewhere along the line, do the same routine tomorrow, starting at 5 minute intervals. The next day, start at 10 minute intervals. The next, start at 15 minute intervals. If after a couple of weeks of this if you need to come back more than twice (or if you don’t want to have to come back even twice), go on to the less pleasant method below.

By the way, if you need to re-set the bedtime here is a method for doing so. Reset the bedtime by waking the child earlier in the morning. A child who is having trouble falling asleep quickly at 7:30 should have her morning wake-up time be moved back. For instance, if she normally falls asleep around 8 or 8:30 and wakes up at 7:30 a.m., then wake her at 7 a.m. every day. No matter what was going on the night before, wake the child at 7. Within about one week, she will be tired at 7:30. Always change the bedtime by moving the morning wake-up time earlier. If your child wakes up at 6 a.m. and goes to bed at 10 p.m. you may not be able to change the bedtime. Leave the child lying awake when you are completely finished your bedtime routine. You may not have the option of using the pleasant method just described.

Bedtime Strategies: the less pleasant method

The less-pleasant method works like this: tell the child that there is no getting out of bed after the bedtime has arrived. Say one last goodnight and leave the room.  If the child calls for you or gets out of bed, tell her, “You can’t get out of bed because it’s now your bedtime. You have to stay in bed until the morning.” Then tuck her in again. If she calls or gets out of bed tell her, “You can’t get out of bed because it’s now your bedtime. You have to stay in bed until the morning. If you call me or get out of bed again, then you will have to stand facing the wall (in the room I’m in) for 4 minutes and then go back to bed. If you get out/call me after that, you’ll have to stand facing the wall for 6 minutes and then go back to bed again. If you call or leave after that, the time for standing facing the wall will get longer (b 2 minutes) each time. That’s what’s going to happen.” Then, if the child calls or gets out of bed, send her immediately to go stand and face a wall (preferably a plain, un-wallpapered wall because the actual punishment here is boredom).
 
If your child will not stand facing the wall when you tell her to, you will need to do two things:

1.    Read Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice to learn how to get your child to accept your negative consequences without fuss or resistance.

2.    Change the consequence for now (until you can use the wall technique). You’ll need a consequence that the child doesn’t have to cooperate with. For instance, you can take things away from the child, as in “I will take away one of your collector cards…I will take away two of your collector cards….I will then take away three of your collector cards” or “You will lose your chocolate snack for tomorrow’s lunch….you will lose your lunch snack and your dinner desert….you will lose your lunch snack, dinner desert and afternoon treat” or “You will lose 15 minutes of your computer time…30 minutes….45 minutes…..”etc., etc..

It doesn’t matter whether your child is happy with your strategy or not. It doesn’t matter (for now) whether the child screams and cries, calls you names or says she hates you. It does matter that YOU stay perfectly calm and quiet. Do not yell or show negative emotion (remember what you agreed to above). The adult must stay adult, while the child can be childish. As for the child’s rudeness, it can be corrected with The Relationship Rule (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice) later.

Good Night.