Getting Kids To Listen

My Child Doesn’t Listen

This is the common complaint of parents everywhere. If your child seems to have a serious listening problem (he doesn’t answer when his name is called and he doesn’t even move when you ask him to do something and his non-listening occurs almost always) do get his ears checked! If his ears are in working order, he may have an auditory processing deficit (words are heard fine but don’t go in the brain properly) or he may have ADD, attention deficit disorder. In most cases, however, poor listening occurs because the child doesn’t feel like doing what his parents asked him to do!

It’s Your Fault

Sorry to have to tell you this, but if your child has a listening problem--and particularly if your child has a listening problem with YOU but not with his teachers or other parent—then  it’s probably your fault. This means that you are inadvertently teaching your child not to listen to you. Don’t worry—this is more common than you might imagine and it’s curable!

Suppose Mother tells her 10 year old daughter to go to bed. The daughter says, “I’m just finishing this game—I’ll go in a minute.” Ten minutes pass and the child is still at the computer. Mother says again, “I want you to go to bed now.” The child says, “O.K. I’ve just got to get my pencil I left downstairs.” While downstairs, the youngster decides she’s hungry and so makes herself a little snack. Mother shouts down, “Where are you?” The daughter says, “I’m just having a glass of milk. I’ll be up in a minute.” Mother gets busy with something else but notices 10 minutes later that her daughter is still not upstairs. “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO GET UP HERE AND GO TO BED?!”she bellows in exasperation. “Coming,” her daughter responds in her lackadaisical way. And the scene continues on and on like this while Mother tries to get this kid to brush her teeth, put her pajamas on and get into bed. Mother complains that her daughter “just doesn’t listen.”
 
Getting kids to bed seems to be a major challenge for most parents. Many parents complain that their kids don’t listen when they try to get them settled for the night. But if parents are willing to ask and ask and ask and ask, then their kids learn that not even the parents are listening! The parents don’t take themselves seriously, so why should the kids take them seriously? An important rule for parents is to never ask anything more than two times. This is called the 2X-Rule (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice for detailed description of the 2X-Rule). Instead of asking over and over again until you are exasperated, ask anything only two times. On the second request, give your child a choice: either do what I’m asking you to do, or there will be an unpleasant consequence of your non-compliance.
 
In practicality, the conversation on Mom or Dad’s part might sound like this:

Parent: Please get ready for bed now.

Parent: I asked you to get ready for bed. If you aren’t ready for bed when I get back here in 5 minutes, then such & such will happen. (“Such & such” can be any mildly unpleasant consequence such as “you will not have a bedtime story” or “you won’t be allowed to go on the computer tomorrow evening.” Come up with a list of negative consequences or use the list and guidelines in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice. Choose a consequence that is unpleasant enough for your child that he or she will not one to experience it more than a couple of times. No negative consequence should last longer than 24 hours and even a few minutes can be effective, depending on the child. Do not use harsh punishments as these can harm the child and lead to an increase in bad behavior.)

Parent (coming back 5 minutes later and finding child still not ready for bed): I’m sorry, but you’re not in bad, so now “such & such” will happen.

Never pick a consequence that you are not comfortable with because chances are very good—at least for the first month of using this technique—that your child will want to know if you are really serious about that. He’ll test you. He won’t go to bed, or whatever you asked, just to see if you will really give him a consequence. This is called “testing limits” and you should expect it to happen. Do not back down from the consequence you choose (that’s why you need to take time to think about it first). Once children believe you will really give them a consequence, they will stop testing you and start listening! This can take up to one month.

How to Discipline

Lots of parents complain that negative consequences or punishments just don’t work with their child. When used properly, negative consequences and punishments are guaranteed to work. Many parents just do not know how to use negative consequences or punishment properly. By the way, negative consequences are the same thing as punishments: unpleasant events that are used to TEACH the child to refrain from a certain behavior or engage in a more desirable behavior. Neither is meant to hurt a child in any way. In fact, the only thing that really hurts a child is parental anger. Angry parents scare children and can even traumatize them. Anger can destroy the parent-child relationship, sometimes even permanently. On the other hand, the effective use of discipline (especially using the 2X-Rule) prevents anger. Good discipline helps children behave while it keeps them emotionally safe and healthy.

Here is the correct way to use negative consequences: Use discipline RARELY. Over-use of discipline renders it not only ineffective, but actually harmful. Excessive discipline increases bad behavior and can even cause mental health problems. Use other parenting techniques to gain cooperation at least 80% of the time (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice for other parenting strategies that can help kids listen or help improve any other inappropriate behavior).
When you have decided to use discipline, always Have a Plan. Think of the behavior you don’t want. Select a punishment/negative consequence. Have a more intense consequences ready as a backup. Backups are needed in order to teach kids to cooperate with their punishment.
This is how our justice system works too. Speeders get a ticket. If they don’t accept that punishment by voluntarily paying their ticket, they get a summons to court. If they don’t comply with that, they won’t get their license renewed. If they drive without a license they can go to jail. In parenting, we can skip all of the in-between levels of consequences and just issue “tickets” and “jail.” When a parent tells a child that the punishment (“ticket”) for leaving his belongings on the floor is 10 minutes of “clean up duty” then the child has to cooperate with clean up duty. If he doesn’t, the parent doesn’t really care. The parent simply announces that if clean up duty isn’t completed by the designated hour, then the child will no longer have the option of doing clean up duty and instead, a far more unpleasant (jail level) consequence will occur. It doesn’t take kids long to learn that they’re smarter to cooperate with the original consequence!

Helping Kids Listen

Parents complain that kids don’t listen when kids don’t do what they’ve just been asked to do. Parents can help kids listen by using discipline when they don’t listen. Here are some behaviors that respond very well to effective discipline:

•    Getting kids into bed
•    Getting children to come to the table for dinner
•    Getting children to try a small bite of a new food
•    Getting teenagers to remember to put gas in the car
•    Getting teenagers to remember to call home
•    Getting children to stop whining
•    Getting children to stop hitting adults
•    Getting children to stop biting
•    Getting children to stop fighting with siblings
•    Getting children to stop arguing
•    Getting children to clean up their toys
•    Getting children to clean up their mess
•    Getting children to come when you call them
•    Getting children to get ready for school in the morning
•    Getting kids out of bed in the morning

Virtually any inappropriate behavior can be modified using discipline. Help your kids listen by listening to yourself when you speak! Never ask a child more than twice. Take your own words seriously. When you are speaking calmly, in a normal, pleasant tone of voice, you can be perfectly serious. You don’t ever need to be a screaming lunatic in order to get your message across! In fact, screaming is hard on you and highly destructive to your kids. When kids don’t listen, don’t speak louder. Instead, use more clout. Speak softly but carry a big stick: quietly let your child know what unpleasant consequence will occur if he or she does not cooperate with your softly spoken request! Then be sure to carry through. Your kids will soon be listening. And you’ll be glad you listened to me!