Separation Anxiety in Older Children
Separation Anxiety Affects People of All Ages
Separation Anxiety is a distressing syndrome that can affect anyone of any age. It occurs in some people when they will be “left behind” or somehow left on their own. A secure attachment figure will be out of close range and the person with anxiety feels unable to cope independently. Adults can become anxious when their spouses must travel out of town, for example. Twenty-year-olds can become anxious upon leaving home for college. Ten-year- olds can become anxious when their parents go away for a week. And toddlers can become anxious when their parents drop them off at playgroup for the first time.
No matter what the age of the person experiencing separation anxiety, the feelings will be similar: panic, alarm, helplessness and even desperation. Adrenalin surges through the body causing stomach upset, weakness and/or palpitations. Sleep may be disturbed or impossible. During an episode of separation anxiety, a person can sometimes seem to be totally out of control—crying, raging, clutching, running or otherwise “losing it.”
School-age children can experience many types of separation anxiety. A child in grade 5 who has never been anxious previously can suddenly show intense fear at the beginning of a school year. Kids who are 7, 8, 9 or 10 can become anxious if they are alone in a part of their family home: alone in the basement, for example, or alone on the second floor of the house. Some children of this age or older will be anxious if they sleep away from home or go away to camp. A child of any age can become highly anxious at having to deal with parents’ leaving home for a few days or longer. Teenagers with separation anxiety can suffer intensely when they must travel or otherwise be apart from their parents.
What Causes Separation Anxiety?
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Normal babies may develop separation anxiety after they first experience an overwhelming separation. For example, a one-year-old child whose parents just returned from a week long vacation may become very clingy and attached for some time. However, school age children have already experienced many separations since their infancy. When they now experience separation anxiety, it is not from the novelty or inexperience of the situation but rather from an internal anxious process that now manifests. In fact, the tendency to experience separation anxiety is most commonly found in children who have other forms of anxiety as well. The fearful child--one who develops early phobias of clowns, doctors or doggies—is frequently found among the sufferers of separation anxiety. The worried child who thinks deeply and ruminates about many dangers or anticipated difficulties is also a candidate for separation anxiety. The obsessive child (the one who has to have things and/or routines “just so” or otherwise goes ballistic) is also often found in the anxiously separated group. In this group, too, we often find the “sensitive” child. Traumatized children with genetic vulnerability (the inherited tendency to become anxious) can develop separation anxiety as part of a post traumatic stress syndrome. For instance, a child who suddenly loses a parent to death or divorce, may develop separation issues for the first time.
Becoming panicky over separation is a tendency inherited in the genes. Anxious genes run in family trees and the saying “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is easily applied to anxious children. Almost always, the parents of anxious children recognize anxiety in themselves or other close relatives, although the form it takes may be different from their child’s anxiety. Depression genes run closely with anxiety genes, so that some families have a mixture of the two conditions running throughout various family members.
How to Help Older Children Deal with Separation Anxiety
Parents find it challenging to deal with intensely anxious children. The child’s fear of separation can seem irrational and actually irritate the parent. “Stop following me around!” a parent might shout in exasperation, “I’m here in the house with you. You’re safe!” Or, the parent may try to talk the child of anxiety: “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to being at school/at camp/at college. Soon you’ll be happy to go.” Or, “I’ll be home in just 2 hours/2 days/2 weeks. It will be fine. There is nothing to worry about.” The urge to be rational in the face of irrationality is almost irresistible, but should be resisted anyways. Facts do nothing to diminish anxiety because anxiety is a biological process in the body running through the brain and cells, triggering chemicals and processes that have nothing to do with “reality.” Anxiety hurts. The body/mind need soothing, not information. Therefore, a more practical intervention is to support an anxious youngster through episodes of anxiety. Parents can do this by gently but firmly insisting that the child deal with the separation rather than avoid it and use coping tools to reduce the pain and discomfort of anxiety. When parents try to solve the problem by helping the child avoid the issue (i.e. the parents cancel their weekend vacation or they withdraw the child from camp), they inadvertently increase separation anxiety. Anxiety spreads. When avoidance is used as a coping tool, the anxiety not only persists, but it actually worsens over time. Therefore, painful as it is, parents must help children go through the separations that they fear.
However, they can do this compassionately. Naming and accepting the child’s anxiety with the tool called “Emotional Coaching” (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice for a detailed description of this technique) is helpful, particularly over time. “I know you’re worried/uncomfortable/upset/scared. You want to stay home.” The key to emotional coaching is to refrain from using the word “but” in the middle of a sentence. Rather, put a period at the end of the sentence that acknowledges a feeling. You can continue with a fact afterwards: “I know you are scared and unhappy. You want me to stay home. I’ll be back in two days.”
The parent can then give the child strategies to keep adrenalin in check. For instance, the parent can give the child a comfort stone (or small, smooth rock or crystal that the child can stroke, sleep with, travel with, hold, etc.). The parent can consult an aromatherapist to get an appropriate essential oil that calms the nervous system and show the child how to use it. The parent can take the child to a therapist to learn special breath techniques that turn off adrenalin or energy psychology techniques that reduce anxiety and panic. A child therapist may have a range of psychological interventions that can help a child overcome or manage overwhelming separation anxiety. Bach Flower Therapy may be employed to help reduce the tendency to be anxious in general and to eliminate separation anxiety in particular.
The parent’s attitude is important to the child’s recovery. Parental confidence that all is well, safe and good has a powerful positive impact on the anxious child. Parental anxiety, on the other hand, increases the child’s anxiety. Sometimes the parent must seek professional assistance in order to reduce his or her own anxiety in order to help the child.
Because anxiety is an inherited condition, it can wax and wane throughout life. Giving kids the tools to deal with their anxiety is therefore an enduring gift, helping them to reduce pain and discomfort and achieve their highest potential.
