Thoughtful Parenting
Raising Perfect Kids
Parenting offers the challenge of a lifetime. We imperfect human beings set out to raise some perfect ones! We, with our fears, our tempers and our moods, set out to raise joyously happy youngsters who can sail through life on Cloud Nine. Can this work? Sorry, but the answer to that question is “no.” Flawed human beings (us) cannot raise flaweless ones. That’s not a human goal. But don’t despair: there are many amazing things we can do as parents.
Raising Imperfect Kids
Rather than trying to raise perfect human beings, we can change our goal to trying to offer our children skills and tools for their very human journey. Like us, they will encounter challenges within and without: within their own nature (dealing with the limitations in their innate personalities, competencies, physical make-up and so on) and out in the school yard, the community and the world. Things will happen to them. Will they be ready? Can they deal with stress? Do they have skills that will bring them love and support for the journey? They will have successes and disappointments; what skills do they need to prosper from both? What model can we offer of how to bounce back when knocked down, how to face adversity, how to transform pain? In other words, we need to be thinking about how to equip our kids for real life. We don’t want to simply squeeze our children into some little happy box. We want them to be full blown powerful human beings, constantly growing through life’s challenges, going from strength to strength as they learn to negotiate the real ups and downs of life. They will never be perfect. But they’ll be perfectly human.
The Parenting Tool Kit
Parents need a tool kit in order to give their kids one. Where do parents acquire the know-how for guiding their youngsters? Of course, some of it is learned in their own childhood homes. Some of it comes from their favorite parenting magazine. Parenting skills, philosophies and strategies can be learned from parenting books, on-line parenting communities, parenting podcasts, parenting lectures, parenting classes, parenting experts, mental health professionals, specialized parenting magazines, parenting radio shows, parenting shows on television and other parenting resources. There is no shortage of parenting information today and there is consequently no longer any excuse for doing bad parenting. Anyone who can read, watch or listen can do good parenting simply by adding options and viewpoints to the world view they inherited in childhood.
Certainly it is not always easy to apply what is learned. Effective parenting is something that requires both head and heart. A person must be emotionally ready as well as intellectually ready. Therefore accepting parenting advice means learning, understanding and healing oneself enough to apply it. Take for, example, the simple piece of information that yelling is not a positive parenting strategy. A person who wants to do positive parenting can come across this tidbit in any of the media listed above. And she may understand it, agree with and endorse it whole heartedly. But when her 5 year old refuses to listen, this information may do her no good at all- she finds herself screaming! This is because parenting quotes, tips and tidbits do not always translate into action. Sometimes, a parent must take the extra step of self-exploration (using self-help strategies or therapy for example) and self-treatment in order to break up old habits and make room for new skills.
Parenting skills, after all, are not just a product of what has been learned. People have their own parenting styles based on their own personalities and we’re all very different. There is no one good way to parent. Whether one does or does not do attachment parenting, for example, is not important. There are many ways to convey love to children and each parenting couple must find its own way. Parenting is as individual as the individual. However, good parenting principles can utilized across every style of parenting. Authoritative parenting (parenting that offers both warmth and structure) is a good parenting principle in that research shows that it leads to the healthiest adjustment in children. However, people who do attachment parenting can use it as easily as people who don’t. People who like routines and predictability can use it as easily as people who are free spirits.
All different parenting styles can incorporate healthy parenting principles. It is simply important that parents develop their parenting plans based on a thoughtful examination of parenting issues and techniques. This means learning! Examining parenting questions, learning what the research shows, experimenting with new techniques—all of this makes every parent a professional parent capable of offering his or her youngsters the best tool kit for life. Thoughtless parenting, on the other hand is risky. Those who don’t take the time to study parenting may short change their kids. There are so many things we simply don’t think of on our own. Just having access to a constant, easily digestible source of parenting information and thought provoking parenting scenarios can keep a parent on top of his or her show. Whether the parent receives a weekly email of 10 parenting tips, or a daily thought of the day from his or her favorite parenting magazine or whether the parent tunes into a weekly radio parenting show—any routine exposure to parenting tips or parenting advice—the parent will be able to do a better job of parenting. It doesn’t matter if all of the information is relevant or not. Learning something about ADHD and parenting when one doesn’t have an ADHD child is not a waste of time. The information may contain a parenting gem that any parent can employ. This would be equally true of reading articles about parenting an Asperger’s child when one doesn’t have one, doing single parenting when one isn’t in that situation, dealing with same sex parenting or step parenting—even when the topic seems remote, parents can be surprised and delighted to find something they had never previously considered--a new perspective or a new strategy. Even reading articles on parenting teens when one’s oldest child is 4 can be helpful. Often such articles give information that parents can use preventatively. Stay open and curious. Expose yourself to everything. You will never be a perfect parent and you will not raise a perfect child. But, you will do a perfectly good job of parenting when you take that job seriously and apply yourself to it. And that’s really all we can do.
