I have two teenagers. My son is 19 and my daughter is 17 and a half. They are both good students and both could be described as healthy, responsible youngsters. Here is my concern: these two young people are very sociable –they like to be out with friends whenever they can be, which often means late in the evening – especially for my son who doesn’t finish his evening job till around 10 p.m. They’re always on the phone, running out the door, skipping dinner, telling me they’ll be back later. Half the time, I don’t know who they’re out with or where they’re going. However, I don’t know if it’s appropriate for me to keep track of this information. People their age are  often living independently. Should I ask them to report to Mom?

Losing Control

Dear Losing Control,

I think your signature says it all. As adolescents morph into young adults, parents do give up increasing amounts of control. We stop telling big kids when to go bed – or they stop listening to us if we do try to tell them. We stop managing their schedule, their food, their clothing, their personal hygiene and all of the other details we took care of when they were younger. We certainly hope that our older kids can manage such self-care routines themselves and most of us recognize that letting them do so is  the best way to ensure their competence. We give our kids money to manage in small doses (so that their mistakes won’t be so costly as they might be later). We invite them to cook and ask them to clean. In other words, we expect them and encourage them to grow up.
 
So there are really two issues within your one concern expressed above. The first has to do with control and the second has to do with respect. Let me explain. When a parent wants to regulate their child’s social life, the parent wants some control over that area of the child’s functioning. When a parent says, for example, that a child can go out socially on the weekend, but not on a school night, the parent is limiting, constricting, directing and ultimately controlling, an important parameter of the child’s social functioning – the “when” factor. When can the child socialize? If the parent decides the issue, then the parent is controlling this issue. Similarly, if the parent decides “where” socialization can and cannot occur, then the parent is in control of that parameter as well. Or at least, trying to be. Children have their own ways of defying parental control, but that discussion could be for another time.Taking control may be appropriate for parents of  young teens or for parents of teens who are very immature. But what about parents of 18 yr olds? When do parents stop trying to control a child's work and leisure schedule and hand the reins over to the child/young adult? Parents who don't try to control the issue of "when" can certainly make suggestions and offer advice; the difference is that they do not lay down the rules. In this way, they show respect for the older child's intelligence, ability to learn from mistakes and increasing need for independence. Stepping back from control has to happen some time between the ages of 17 and 20. Individual differences in personality and maturity will determine how soon to transfer control.
 
You seem to be concerned about the hours of socialization that your kids engage in, so we’ll call this a “when” issue. You also appear to want to know who the child is spending time with this, so this could be a “who” issue of a kind. If you just want to know – for safety reasons, contact information and so on – it’s different than if you want to know in order to help your child choose who to be with. Should you be trying to control when your child socializes? Ask yourself why you’d want to do that. Is it because you are concerned about their school performance? You said these kids were good students. However, even if the child was a poor student, wouldn’t that be his or her own issue to deal with in the late teens? Is that still the parent’s problem? Perhaps you’re just worried about the kids being tired. Who’s problem is that? Don’t adults have to figure out when to put themselves to bed in order to avoid fatigue? Would you call your married children to make sure they were in bed on time? Maybe you’re worried about safety. Again, who’s responsibility is that? There’s nothing wrong in expressing your worry if you have one, and having a discussion with your older teenagers about the safety issues, but it’s up to them to ensure they are safe. Maybe you don’t like their crowd. Many a parent has tried to select their teenager’s friends—but to no avail. People of every age—from toddlers to adults—pick their own friends. As you can see, there are many things you may be trying to take responsibility for that are really things your kids need to be responsible for. Unless you have reason to be concerned about your adolescent’s sense of judgment or responsibility (and you state that your kids are “healthy and responsible”) you should really be stepping back. If your children would have shown you that they cannot be trusted, then you might have needed to set boundaries that are usually more appropriate for younger teens. However, setting such boundaries with kids who are mature, reliable and accountable can backfire, causing them to regress to the age that you are treating them.
 
Now let’s discuss the respect issue. This refers to the courtesy members of a household extend to each other for reasons of safety and emotional sensitivity. Adults-married couples for instance – do let each other know where they’re going and when they can be expected to return. They do this, not because someone is controlling them, but because they are being considerate. They are reducing the worry of their loved ones, they are making themselves available for emergencies and they are acting safely by letting their loved ones know about their whereabouts (in case of accidents and so on). Therefore, it is reasonable for you to explain the need for contact information and request it from your kids.

Good luck letting go!