Had Enough

Dear Mrs. Radcliffe,

My daughter is 14. I thought she’d be more responsible by now, but she seems to have a weakness in this area. Whenever she has a school project, she waits until the very last minute and then she goes into a frenzy – usually dragging the whole household along with her. All of a sudden she MUST go to the library and needs us to drive her there RIGHT AWAY. Or, she MUST get on the computer to do her assignment NOW and everybody else must get it off it IMMEDIATELY. Sometimes she asks one of us to stay up late with her to help her write a report or type it up for her and, since we don’t want her to do poorly, we feel we must chip in You get the drift. There’s often a lot of noise, chaos, and hysteria accompanying all this.  Her siblings are fed up with it and frankly, my husband and I are too. Any suggestions?

Had Enough

Dear Had Enough,

We all have different natures. Some of us are slow and methodical while some are speedy. Some like to plan ahead and some do things spontaneously. Some organize and schedule their activities and some……don’t.

Most people tend to maintain their style for a life time. It’s all part of their nature. Morning people hardly ever turn into night people and vice versa – although these things do happen on occasion. However, it is most likely that your daughter will maintain her “last minute” tendencies throughout her lifetime. The good news is that this needn’t be a problem.

“Last minute” people can accomplish just as much as anyone. A report can be written up just as beautifully in the middle of the night as it can be in the course of three afternoons (provider the writer is prepared, talented and fast-working). And many young people are particularly able to cope well “under the gun” due to their sheer energy. Some slow, methodical and even-paced types get judgmental toward their impulsive, last-minute neighbors, but when all is said and done, there are just different ways that people function.

However, your daughter’s preference of work style should not impact negatively on other people. If her style isn’t really working for her, then that should be her problem and hers alone – not something that the rest of the family must shoulder. Her need to get things done is not an excuse for drama and demands. This is an unacceptable way of relating. I once saw a sign in a repair shop that says it all: “Your bad planning isn’t my emergency.” The last-minute style only works when the person can handle that pressure all by herself. She cannot expect others to shoulder her burden due to her bad planning.

Therefore, it is important that you don’t reinforce her unacceptable behavior by giving into unreasonable demands. If it’s not in your schedule – if it’s not easy for you – then certainly don’t rush her to the library. She’ll just have to hand in her assignment late and pay the price of that action. If someone else needs the computer, they needn’t get off. If they’re playing games on it, they might get off if asked very nicely as a special favor. In other words, everyone must stop jumping and stop tolerating abuse. Let your daughter xperience the consequence of insufficient planning to help her determine whether this is a style that truly works for her. If it’s only working because you’re all cooperating with it, then she needs to learn that the game is over. She can do her assignments whenever she wants to, but the family will carry on life as usual. Her rude or unpleasant behavior should actually be disciplined if it persists beyond the month it will take her to learn that no one is cooperating with her irresponsibility any more. (She probably won’t be very nice that first month, but I would rather that you teach her one lesson at a time – the first lesson being that late assignments will be her problem, not yours. Later she can learn that unpleasant behavior is unacceptable in any situation – even when one is feeling rushed and pressured.). Let your daughter know that the rules are changing and that she might be better off trying to plan for her next project.

One more thought – your daughter’s long term success is more likely if you don’t rush in to rescue her in the short term. Let her have a couple of unpleasant experiences. These can help set her on a straighter life path. By rescuing her and saving her from a bad mark now, you stunt her ultimate growth. Have confidence in her ability to learn. Standing back is always hard, but it is so necessary in the Second Decade. Good luck!