Non-Materialistic Mother

Dear Mrs. Radcliffe,

My 13 year old daughter has a character trait that is causing me some concern. She seems to be very materialistic.  We don’t have much money but my other children don’t appear to notice or to mind. This one, however, feels deprived – even resentful. She wants things. In fact, she wants nice things, even if they are way beyond our budget or the parameters of our lifestyle.  I don’t know why this child is this way; certainly my husband and I discourage such values. Can this trait be fixed?

Non-Materialistic Mother

Dear Non-Materialistic,

One of the more interesting aspects of parenting is encountering different personalities. Some children are just like us and some are very different. We often find it easier to parent the similar types, since we identify with them and understand them. Those who are unlike us in some major aspect of personality or even in a specific trait, challenge our ability to relate. This can happen whether the trait in question is a positive or negative one. For example, a shy, introverted parent may not be able to relate all that well to a sociable, outgoing child even though the parent might envy the nature of the youngster. The problem is often intensified when the child is exhibiting a less desirable trait because the parent can become judgmental. It’s not just that the child is different, but she may also be viewed as deficient. Thus the voracious-reader-parent, may look down on his child who disdains literature.  The parent may have trouble parenting the child around the issue because the parent’s own fear or repulsion can leak into the process of education. Intense emotion on the parent’s part tends to interfere with the ability to maintain clear thinking and adult behavior.

So the first step for a parent to take is to check in with herself.  Does the child’s negative behavior frighten her, overwhelm her or irritate her? If so, these emotions should be settled before attempting to implement a remedial plan of action. Although emotions can be settled in many different ways, one strategty is to face the feeling head on – feel it as deeply as possible, letting the thoughts, feelings and images concerning this issue flow freely and uninterrupted. This requires a few dedicated minutes. Interestingly, opening doors to feelings allows them to move out, whereas “not going there” keeps the door shut, locking them in (where they are sure to bubble over eventually). So the parent can think and feel the worst for a few minutes. After these minutes pass, usually the parent will notice that a more calm and balanced perspective has replaced the initial panic. If your daughter’s materialism is giving you an emotional upset, settle this before moving on.

Now for some information about your concern: materialistic children are generally that way due to their inborn natures. In one family, there can be children who just don’t care about such things and children who care intensely. Materialism is sometimes associated with other inborn issues such as a tendency toward insecurity and social anxiety and it seems to be associated with attention deficit disorder (ADD) as well. Whatever the biological underpinnings. your daughter’s materialism is not her fault and needs to be treated compassionately.
When she gets upset about not being able to have something she wants, respond with emotional coaching – name her feelings. “I know it’s frustrating” or “I know it’s disappointing.” You may be able to add other sympathetic comments like, “Maybe we can get that at another time” or “I wish we could get that for you” or “I can see why you would want that.” Being empathetic does not mean that you have to let go of your boundaries or your common sense. You can still say “no” to a request. However, you don’t have to be unkind about it. Sarcasm, lectures, negativity or put-downs will diminish your educational influence, not enhance it. Naming feelings and offering sympathetic comments can sometimes be followed with educational guidance such as “I don’t think it’s the right thing to do/buy because….”. You don’t always have to explain yourself, however, because your overall value system will be evident to anyone who lives in your house for two decades. Since explanations (a.k.a. minilectures) are somewhat aversive, try to refrain from offering them whenever possible.

Helping your daughter gain personal confidence may help reduce materialiasm to some extent since it is an anxiety-related trait. Encourage competence-building activities and offer generous positive feedback. Lay on the love. Help her to find fulfillment in her activities rather than her possessions. With this positive approach, you are doing all you can. Keep in mind that your children have to ultimately work on their own characters throughout their lifetimes. You are just pointing them in the right direction.