Lost It
Dear Mrs. Radcliffe,
I get so mad at my kids sometimes! The other day, for example, we were making preparations for a small dinner to celebrate my father’s retirement. My 15 year old daughter suggested we make place cards for our guests, even though they were mostly relatives and this affair was being held at our own dining room table. I gave her the go-ahead and she began working on them. My 17 year old son, seeing what she was doing, told her that he thought this was, as he put it, a “stupid” idea. Of course, my daughter was offended. I told him that he should keep his opinion to himself – but I only said this because it seemed to me he was making trouble for no good reason. My daughter meanwhile, threw her place cards all over the floor in anger and stomped off to her room. Then I got really upset – after all, I had just been defending her! To be honest, I “lost it” at that point. I started yelling at both of them. Well, this only made everything worse. My son told me he hated living here. My daughter said that she wasn’t going to come to the simcha and my husband, who walked in just in time to hear all this, asked me why I couldn’t control things around the home. Of course, I just wanted to cry. How can I make sure this kind of scene never happens again?
Lost It
Dear Lost It,
Let’s analyze the sequence of events and see how it could have gone better. The first thing that goes “wrong” is that your son makes an insulting comment to your daughter. You feel bad for your daughter’s pain and try to fix things by criticizing your son. Obviously, this doesn’t fix anything, because your daughter is still so upset that she throws the cards all over the floor. One thing we can learn from this is that criticizing the insulter does not ease the pain.
What could you have done at that moment? These two are old enough to handle their own communications, so you really didn’t need to rescue anyone. Your daughter could have told her brother to mind his own business if she wanted to and that might have left her feeling less victimized. If her skills were good, she could have simply told him that she didn’t appreciate the way he was speaking to her. If her skills were excellent, she could have offered her rebuke in the traditional “sandwich” format: the good news, the bad news and the good news. It could have sounded like this, “Thanks for your input. I would rather you say it more nicely, but I’m interested in why you don’t think place cards are a good idea.”
Where would your daughter learn how to give criticism so beautifully? From you, of course. When the kids were younger you could have intervened that way so many times, that they simply grew up knowing how to do it. Don’t worry – it’s not too late.
However, instead of modeling a healing rebuke, you actually gave a hurtful retort to your son. This shows both kids that we handle insult with insult. It’s not surprising then, that your daughter escalates the drama, scattering cards to the floor. You have not modeled or taught self-control in the face of offence. Clearly neither your son nor your daughter know how to express negative emotions in a safe, healthy way. Your son goes on to express his upset by being intensely hurtful to you and your daughter makes an equally outrageous and hurtful threat – all because they are not happy with the way the conversation is going! Their shocking behavior occurs, however, only after you yourself increase the negativity by starting to yell at everyone. Although your husband doesn’t see the beginning of the scenario, he is justifiably upset by the part he does see. However, he himself contributes to the hurtful style of family communication by immediately offering criticism to you instead of being supportive.
The only way your kids are going to learn to communicate respectfully is by being taught this skill by you and your husband. You must begin by modeling how to communicate in upsetting moments. The skill you are teaching, after all, is how to handle intense, negative emotions in a calm, respectful way. All teaching begins with bonding – showing respect and understanding. Had you shown interest in your son’s opinion first, you would have been in a good position to offer him correction second. However, you lost parental power – the power of positive influence - by beginning with criticism.
Handle disrespect with respect and you will soon see that your kids do the same!
