Resentful Mother

Dear Mrs. Radcliffe,

I’m having a problem with my 18yr-old son Michael. Michael seems to think that I am his maid and that I should feel honored to be able to serve him. It is true that he applies himself to his studies and that almost all of his free time is spent at school or the library or at his friends’ homes. But there are times when he is home and when he eats a meal or a snack. He just leaves his plates on the table for me to clean up! He leaves his shirts lying all over his room. He leaves his shoes in the middle of the hallway. I’m not asking him to vacuum the house for me. But I do want him to at least pick up after himself. The problem is that no matter how much I nag him about these things, nothing ever changes. I feel sorry for the girl he will marry! Can you help me get through to him?

Resentful Mother

Dear Resentful,

Mothers are not resentful when they have to pick up after their toddlers and young children because they know that the children are not yet capable of self-care. However, when a young man -  taller, stronger and probably more energetic than Mom - can’t seem to lift a plate off the table, then the resentment really kicks in.

The ideal time to teach children how to clean up after themselves is when they are around five years old. At that time, they take pride in their ability to behave in a “grown up” way and they enjoy the sense of accomplishment they feel when they learn new skills. The lesson needs to be constantly reinforced for a few years but by the time the child is a young adolescent, he or she should have internalized the self-care habit. Unfortunately, it seems that you have missed that boat with Michael.

Teaching teenagers how to be helpful around the house is more challenging when nothing was expected of them for their first fifteen years or so. Parents seem to think that a child will start cleaning up after him or herself at some magical age, as if the skill comes with maturity. It does not. If you’ve been clearing Michael’s plate for eighteen years now – despite your complaints about it - you’re the one who has taught him that you are his servant. He shouldn’t be blamed for seeing you that way.

If you have younger children, start training them NOW. For Michael, use an adult approach. Nagging has to stop. Besides being ineffective, as you have no doubt noticed, it is also destructive for to your relationship. You want to make sure that your son cares about you enough to want to reduce your displeasure, your stress and your work.
You will need to have a frank discussion with Michael. Book 5 to10 minutes with him because you’ll want to keep this brief. Try to pick a time when both of you will be fed and rested and fairly content. Bring a cup of tea for yourself and a small treat for him if you like. In other words, set a friendly tone, not an adversarial one.

Begin by taking taking responsibility for conveying the wrong idea to him all these years. Let him know that you mistakenly thought he would just suddenly develop the habit of cleaning up after himself and that you did him an injustice by not training him when he was much younger. You can let him know that you understand that new habits are harder to acquire at his age and that you will be patient with him, realizing that he has an old habit to overcome now. Let him know, though, that it’s crucial that he does acquire this new skill set at this time. Not only is it appropriate for a young man his age, but it will also reduce your resentment, provide a good model for younger siblings, and set him on the right path for marriage (which isn’t all that far off). Then problem-solve with him: let him know that nagging him is no longer an option since it is demeaning for both of you. Specify your goals (i.e. take plates off the table, rinse or wash them, hang shirts up or throw them in the laundry and so on). Then ask him to develop the strategy for getting there. Ask him to suggest a date to reconvene to discuss progress and make adjustments in the plan. This approach gives Michael credit for being mature enough to design and implement a strategy for change. Your faith in his ability to do so conveys a powerful message of respect and increases the chances of success. Treating almost-adult children as adults tends to make them want to live up to your image of them. Hopefully, Michael will step up to the plate (no pun intended!).