Homework

Dear Mrs. Radcliffe
 
As school approaches I am getting nervous, as my children always seem to have problems with homework. When they were in elementary school they always did it after a few minutes of nudging, however once my 12-year-old daughter got to Middle school she stopped doing it. In fact last year my 12 year old got U's and NI's in homework. Now as my 10-year-old daughter approaches sixth grade (the start of middle school) I could use some advice on how to get her to do her homework on time and well.
 
Thank you, 

Mrs. W.


Dear Mrs. W.,

I always recommend that parents give birth to children with "organized and responsible" genes. These kids don't need to be reminded to do their homework - they actually want to do it themselves! They feel accountable when the teacher assigns homework and they need little or no parental supervision. From your letter, I can see that you did not follow my recommendation!

There are two other genetic homework profiles to consider: the "average" child and the "organizationally challenged" child. The average child would rather play than do homework. Like the average adult, this youngster tries to avoid unpleasant tasks as long as possible. Parents have to provide encouragement and structure for this kind of child, teaching him or her to settle down to the task and apply appropriate attention and effort. In the younger grades, parents may actually set the homework time and participate in the work itself with some of these youngsters, although some children in this group simply need to be pointed toward their desk. The average child may balk or dawdle, but eventually he or she cooperates and the task is completed. Smart parents try to make the time pass pleasantly with plenty of positive feedback, good humor and maybe even little niceties like milk and cookies.

The organizationally challenged child doesn't bring his or her homework home. If it is brought home, it is wrinkled, crinkled and half-missing. If it is in one piece, it is too long or too hard or both. If it gets done, it doesn't make it back to school. No matter how the parent tries to organize this child - providing special notebooks, folders and systems - the same organizational challenges present year after year. This child's brain is wired for creativity and many other positive attributes, but not for boring, detailed tasks like homework and not for the organizational abilities required to see it through. The wiring - being a built-in feature of this kind of brain - normally affects people throughout their life spans. Although they may eventually learn some tricks to help themselves work around organizational deficits, the best trick in adulthood is to get a good administrative assistant and/or spouse!

As these three homework "types" move into adolescence, the challenge for parents changes. The "organized and responsible" child never presented a real challenge and that remains the same throughout the teenage years. The "average" child who needed some coaxing in the grade school years, is now an adolescent and, like all adolescents, has much less tolerance for coaxing. At this age, a young person has a stronger distaste for being told what to do and when and how to do it. If the parent was an unpleasant coaxer earlier on - that is, actually fought with the child over homework - the topic will be even more contentious now. However, even if the parent had been firm and patient in those earlier years, the teenage child now balks at explicit instructions.

So back to your question: what can you do for your younger daughter? First of all, it is necessary to adopt strategies that are appropriate for the second decade. Compliments are welcome throughout the lifespan, so the occasional positive remark offered for responsible behavior can be employed. Too much praise for doing homework at this age is inappropriate, however. It would be the same if your husband praised you regularly for getting up in the morning – more insulting than helpful! Once the children hit the teen years, the most important strategy is standing back. By that time, you will have expressed your philosophy of life and homework many, many times over. The child knows your views. Now its time to let the child experience the consequences of not performing well. Here is where it becomes very hard for us parents. We want to save the child from every experience of failure. We see their homework as our problem! However, in the teenage years, children need to deal with their own problems in order to develop the muscles for doing so later in life. Indeed, adversity breeds creativity, ingenuity and other coping skills. It is better to have learning opportunities in the teen years than in the years of marriage that follow quickly after.

Most important, be aware of the possible consequences of your interventions. While the occasional reminder may be tolerated, many reminders might actually erode your parent-child relationship (and thereby, your overall power to positively influence your children). NEVER use anger. Even if the homework gets done, the personality of the child and your relationship with her may both be damaged. Moreover, academic success achieved this way is normally a temporary exception in the child’s life. Once the child is left to his or her own devices, he or she will regress to the default non-performance position. The most important strategy of all may be to reinforce your daughter’s natural talents and abilities and focus less on academic performance. Help her to find and maximize her natural strengths. People normally succeed best in life by utilizing their God-given gifts. Strengthen these and by doing so, you will strengthen her self-confidence, her self-esteem, her positive mood and her desire to do her best. And that’s the best that you can do.