One Parent Too Many

Dear Mrs. Radcliffe,

I have been blessed with four children.  Two are teenagers and two are under ten. It seems that the older ones think they can take over as parents - being that they now "know everything." That wouldn't be so bad if they did a good job of it, but unfortunately I don't always approve of their techniques! They can be bossy, critical and sometimes downright mean. When they are hard on the little ones, I get upset. I find myself being almost as unpleasant to them as they are being to my younger children. How can I break this cycle?

One Parent Too Many

Dear One Parent,

Your situation is common in families that have children with wide age gaps. It even occurs at times in families where the children are close in age but where the older ones have - shall we say - strong "leadership" qualities.

Parents have a few advantages over teenagers when it comes to correcting other children in the family. For one thing, parents tend to be older and more mature. This sometimes (though not always!) gives them more patience and thoughtfulness. Parents generally have more experience (having already raised those older, bossy adolescents!). Most importantly, parents actually love their kids in a fiercely protective way whereas siblings often have a more ambivalent (love-hate) relationship with each other.

Despite their lack of qualifications, however, teenagers will frequently try to supervise their siblings. They do feel more grown up now and they enjoy exercising their grownup skills and privileges. They like to stay up later, drive cars, make independent arrangements and in general take on more of an adult style position in life. (Funny how this may not include doing laundry and dishes or other less glamorous adult responsibilities....). In any event, it is normal for adolescents to correct and "parent" their siblings. In fact, they may feel that they are doing a better job of it than you are! Often teens feel that their parents are too lenient; indeed, parents generally do soften over the years, leaving them more relaxed with more relaxed standards..

Now what to do about it. You don't like that your kids are not always delicate in their reproof. Therefore, make sure that you model the delicate approach in your reproof to them! The preferred technique described by our sages and by good business leaders is the "sandwich technique" of correction: start off with praise or a positive communication of some kind, bring in soft words of rebuke, and finish off with praise or a positive communication of some kind.

For example, let's say that one of your adolescents called a younger child "babyish." You find the name-calling unacceptable and you want to educate the adolescent. Instead of just stepping in with direct criticism ("Don't call people names!") you use the sandwich approach. You start by showing interest and taking the teenager seriously, asking "what is he doing that you don't like?" Let the teen describe what caused her aggravation. Then you show understanding by naming a feeling. "Oh yes, I see what you mean. That is frustrating (annoying/unpleasant or whatever.)" After trying to understand the problem you are ready to use the “sandwich.”

1.Start with the POSITIVE:  "Well I'm glad you're trying to help him. That's what older sisters are for. I know he looks up to you and takes your opinion so seriously."

2. Give GENTLE CORRECTION: "Do you think you could be a bit more gentle with him? Try telling him there's a more grown up way to behave."

3. End with the POSITIVE:  "I know he really wants you to think well of him. He thinks you're the greatest"

Remember when using the sandwich technique to refrain from using the word "but." In other words, do not say, "I appreciate what you're doing but I think you're going about it the wrong way." The word “but” erases the positive part of your communication. Instead, make three separate statements, one for each step of the sandwich.

Follow up by generously praising your adolescents when they use kinder forms of communications with their siblings. You can say things like, “I like the way you said that to her. It was very thoughtful/patient/understanding of you.” It’s really important for you to notice improvement and comment on it. Even teenagers want to please their parents!

Finally, make sure that you are always modeling the respectful way to communicate. Our kids mimic our words and intonation; if you don’t like what you’re hearing, check yourself to ensure that your own style isn’t responsible. Try to sound the way you want your teenagers to sound.
 
Good luck!