Control Freak

What is a Control Freak?

If you have to ask this question, you’ve obviously never lived with, worked with, or otherwise dealt with one. However, that’s very rare. So I’ll assume that you have come across a control freak at some point in your life and that you know at least this much:

•    Control freaks are unpleasant to deal with.
•    You feel uncomfortable, unhappy and sometimes unsafe around them.
•    They come in all ages and both genders.

Control freaks, as their name denotes, have serious issues around control – needing to determine the outcome of situations. They come by this tendency honestly, often carrying control-freak-genes (the inborn tendency to be fearful, worried and anxious and/or the tendency to be aggressive, bullying, inflexible and rigid) and sometimes having been raised by control-freak-parents. In other cases, certain traumatic life events have resulted in the defensive controlling response. Whatever the cause, most of us have little sympathy for them because – let’s face it – control freaks create pain in our lives.

Test Yourself

Because we experience the pain of a control freak in a clear and immediate way, it may seem that we are the one with the problem. We’re in distress. The control freak him or herself, often seems to be “fine” - oblivious to the havoc he or she is wreaking. To us, the control freak may appear confident, satisfied, firm, angry or hostile –but rarely distressed. This is because the sadness experienced by control freaks is not immediate but rather a long-term effect. In the short term, control freaks may experience rage and upset at not getting their way, but even that doesn’t appear to be “hurting” them – in fact, it’s usually hurting us! However, as relationships tend to crumble over time from the unsuccessful interpersonal strategies of control freaks, they begin to experience hurt, sadness and loneliness. Often it difficulty in interpersonal relationships bring the control freak into therapy for the first time.
    To speed up the potential for healing (instead of waiting for longterm disastrous consequences), why not analyze your own behaviour to see whether or not you are controlling? If you identify some controlling patterns, you can begin to unravel them now before they later unravel your relationships!

For Parents

Answer these questions:
•    Do you ask your children detailed questions about their friends and their activities “to be involved” in their lives?
•    Do you insist that your kids do things exactly the way you do them, down to all the details?
•    Do you show disdain, disgust or lack of interest when your child is interested in things that you are not interested in?
•    Do you dictate your beliefs and values to your children without discussion and two-way communication?
•    Do you neglect, ignore or withdraw from your child if he or she is not behaving the way you want?
•    Do you use a loud voice or other signs of anger or intimidation to gain your child’s cooperation?
•    Do you use insult, sarcasm or other belittling techniques when your child doesn’t perform to your standards?
•    Do you cry in front of your children when they upset you?
•    Do you insist that your children give you a certain amount of attention?
•    Do you insist on high performance from your kids, no matter what it takes?
•    Are you moody and unpredictable in your daily parenting responses?
•    Do you run the show as the leader who “knows” what needs to be done, when and how? (Are you the unquestionable dictator?)

For Spouses

•    Are you the one who decides how money will be spent without discussion and agreement with your spouse?
•    Are you the one who decides how the house will be decorated or how the daily routine will be organized – without input from your spouse?
•    Do you make decisions regarding purchasing, spending time, parenting, socializing or any other family matter independently – without consulting your spouse even though your decisions affect him or her.
•    Do you decide who does and does not come inside your home without discussion and agreement from your spouse?
•    Do you give your spouse instructions on matters concerning their area of responsibility (i.e. tell your spouse how he or she should talk, act, relate to God, parent, run the house, do a chore, behave and so on).
•    Do you use angry communications to ensure that your wishes are fulfilled?
•    Do you use withdrawal or punitive techniques to ensure that your wishes are fulfilled?
•    Do you let your spouse know that you will fall to pieces, become depressed, crack up or otherwise break down if certain things don’t work out or happen the way you want them to?
•    Do you threaten divorce when you are unhappy with your spouse’s behavior or when you feel very hurt?

For Children of All Ages

•    Do you scream or otherwise throw a fit if things don’t go your way?
•    Do you cry, complain or whine for long periods if you don’t get your way?
•    Do you act particularly sweetly in order to get your parents to do what you want?
•    Do you insult or threaten your parents if they don’t fulfill your wishes?
•    Do you neglect, ignore or otherwise withdraw from your parents if they fail to cooperate with your wishes?
•    Does everyone know that you’ll get upset, hurt, wounded or devastated if certain things don’t work out or happen the way you want them to?
•    Do you say very hurtful things to your parents if they don’t do what you want them to?

Answering “yes” to any of the above questions may be reason for concern. Failure to explore the issue further may lead to unhappiness down the road for you as well as your loved ones. Although parents must be controlling to a certain extent in order to teach their children anything at all, control freak parents teach in a very limiting, authoritarian way. Their style is more like that of a dictator than that of an inspirational teacher. To really find out if you’re a control freak, just ask your kids, your spouse and your parents. You might also check with your hired help and with your team at work. That will give you some idea. Unless, of course, they’re too afraid of you to tell you the truth.

Can Control Freaks be Cured?

Control freaks can have anything they want – even a cure! The cure depends on the sources of the controlling behavior – how much is temperament, genetics, learning and reinforcing. Counseling and psychotherapy can often help. Sometimes marital counseling may be the best route. Naturopathic treatment can be surprisingly helpful as well. In some cases, psychotropic medicine is the treatment of choice. In other cases, family members can impact on the control freak’s behavior sufficiently to end it (techniques for achieving this usually need to be acquired through counseling, support groups, reading or other channels). The good news is for everyone is that control freak behavior can and does change with the proper treatment. You, the control freak, should take charge of the process right away!