Anger Can Help!
Anger's Bad Reputation
Anger has received bad press. It has been blamed for heart disease, broken homes, maladjusted offspring and job loss. It has taken the rap for car accidents, class suit actions and self-inflicted wounds. Even repressed anger has been held accountable for life-threatening illnesses and mental health problems. And we haven't even begun to describe the spiritual repercussions of unleashed rage!
A Misunderstood Emotion
Even if it is true that anger is behind all of these unhappy situations, it is also true that anger has been a sadly misunderstood and unjustly maligned emotion. After all, it is not really anger that is responsible for all of the damage described above; rather, it is the improper expression of anger that can lead to so much difficulty. Anger, itself, is just a feeling like any other feeling. It has signal value, as do all other emotions. Fear signals danger and instructs us to be careful. Sadness signals loss and instructs us to heal and to find replacement for what is missing. And anger signals…
Anger as a Signal
Of course, this is precisely the issue: what does anger signal? The glaring bells and sirens of anger also signal a kind of danger. This is why the bodily processes involved in the sensations of anger are virtually identical to those found in the panic response: adrenalin is released, pupils dilate, heart beats, muscles tense, breathing quickens, oxygen is drained from the frontal cortex into the large muscles - the entire fight or flight response readies us for "fight" if not flight.
But what sort of danger is involved when anger is triggered? Why don't we experience fear if indeed danger is involved? Fear will be felt only when we perceive that the threat is larger than ourselves. Anger will be experienced when we feel larger than the threat. For example, if a lion is attacking, we'll feel fear. If, however, a pesky mosquito is attacking, we'll feel annoyance (mild anger). If a giant is heading toward us with fist raised, we'll feel fear. If a 6 year old is doing the same, we may feel anger. If a boss is screaming at us and threatening our job, we'll feel fear. If a spouse is screaming, however, we may feel anger.
What is the Threat?
The question remains, however, what is anger trying to tell us? Why is it filling our veins with enough energy to pull up tree trunks with our bare hands? What is the danger?
The primary danger anger warns us about is helplessness. Anger rises up defiantly precisely to ward off this most dangerous state. Helplessness - the victim position - is such a vulnerable state that the human organism does everything possible to defend against it. Helplessness alerts us to a potential death threat either of a physical nature, emotional nature or both and it calls for drastic measures. Anger is the desperate solution. We get angry at the mosquito when we can't make it stop bothering us. We're helpless against it. We get angry at the child when we can't control his behavior. We're helpless to make him do what we want. We get angry at the spouse when we can't get the proper treatment or when we feel stepped on (victimized).
The energy of anger tries to push us out of our helpless position. It fires the cannons in order to increase our power again. Anger is trying to be helpful - it is trying to lift us up from down. Anger is trying to save us!
Using Anger to Our Benefit
Anger can be helpful - as an emotion, as a signal. As a tool, however, anger wreaks havoc with our lives. In only the rarest of situations can the energy of anger actually be directed outward in order to serve a purpose in the world (i.e. in the case of being assaulted, anger can mobilize resources). In almost every commonplace case (as opposed to life threatening situations), anger can only be utilized for its INWARD signal value - its message to us. When we feel anger, we must use it to help ourselves.
By taking time to process our anger, we can heal and strengthen ourselves in many ways. Anger points us toward our vulnerabilities and suggests that steps must be taken to rectify the situation. For example, the anger that we feel toward our misbehaving children can inform us that we have become helpless in parenting and that we must acquire more potent tools for guiding and disciplining our youngsters. Perhaps we need to read a book, take a parenting class, consult a spiritual advisor or a counselor. The anger that we feel does NOT indicate that we should start yelling at our children! Such a strategy will maintain our helpless position rather than cure it, while it causes many more problems for us. Anger is not a tool to be used on others - it is only for our own personal benefit. When used for our own growth, anger can be a helpful force in our lives. However, when unleashed on others, anger will inevitably bring harm and destruction to everyone involved.
How can anger help when we feel victimized? What if our spouse insults us - and we get mad? Anger is like a chain that can be followed link by link to a truly helpless or victimized spot. Having the courage to follow the angry feeling to its source will help us identify the real problem (the hurt, the shame, the deep feelings of rejection). Once we have connected to these truly vulnerable feelings, the pain will automatically release. Then, communication with our spouse - with or without the help of a professional counselor - will get to the real point, to the heart of the matter. From this place, relationship healing can be negotiated. On the other hand, were we to skip the processing and stay at the anger level - just insulting the spouse in return - the relationship would be damaged instead of healed. Anger used as a tool keeps us away from the truth; anger used as information about our deepest feelings guides us to our inner needs and to the path for their fulfillment.
How Angry are You?
We can use the frequency of our angry feelings as a barometer of our vulnerability and helplessness. The more anger, the more helplessness. If there is a lot of helplessness, professional intervention can replace the phony power of anger with the true power of authentic emotion and effective strategies for getting needs met. In this way, our anger will be harnessed as the friend who leads us on to a better path, rather than unleashed as the enemy who destroys our life.
