Rejection

Rejection Happens

    All people get rejected. A newborn can be rejected by her siblings or, in some cases, even by a parent. A toddler can be rejected by older children who don’t want to play with him or by the kids at playgroup. Children and teenagers face rejection by peers, cousins, teachers and temporarily angry parents. Adults routinely experience rejection including the experience of job rejection, social rejection (unfriendly faces on the street, at a meeting or at the “tea”) and personal rejection (as when oneself or one’s child is not invited to a gathering or one’s help is not wanted on a particular committee).
Although rejection is a normal, common experience, it still hurts. Getting a paper cut is also a normal, common experience, but this does nothing to soften the individual sting. The hurt of rejection is far from imaginary. The brain actually responds to rejection in the exact same way it responds to pain from physical injury or assault: social rejection causes increased activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, which is linked to the pain response. Brain researchers conclude that the brain considers social rejection to be an injury. Human experience verifies that rejection does indeed hurt.

The Costs of Rejection

    Rejection is so painful, in fact, that it can dramatically affect life decisions and choices. When children experience constant rejection at school from teachers or peers, they make decisions that will help them prevent that kind of pain in the future. They can grow up and consciously avoid the type of people who are similar to the teachers or principals who hurt them in their youth. A rejecting peer group acts naively and innocently in selecting out like-minded companions for pleasant socializing; students generally have no idea that they can negatively affect their peers for a lifetime just because they were—in their immature youth—socially unkind. Sometimes children and teens select “bad” friends because these are the only people who will show them warmth and acceptance. When “good” kids reject others, they can inadvertently be the stimulus for a child’s emotional and spiritual decline.
    Adults, too, experience the cost of rejection. They, too, will adjust their life courses according to the level of social acceptance or rejection that they experience. People will move out neighborhoods where they feel they have been snubbed, ignored or otherwise rejected. Rejection can aggravate other pre-existing vulnerabilities. For example, people may become depressed, anxious or physically ill as a result of the rejection they feel.

Living with Rejection

    The destructive consequences of rejection should not be minimized. Rather, they should be acknowledged and addressed at home and at school. Parents and teachers are the ones to instruct youngsters on correct social behavior and to discipline rejecting behaviors in the same way they would discipline a child who physically attacks another. After all, the consequences of a “social attack” are just as serious, and sometimes more serious than those of a physical assault.
    At the same time, we must all remind ourselves that we impact on everyone we deal with. This is hard because we are all wrapped up in our own lives, our own circle of friends and our own worries. However, heightening our awareness that we are strongly connected to the life journey of others may help us to work on developing and maintaining warm social skills (i.e a welcoming smile, a pleasant greeting to strangers and so on).
    When we experience rejection ourselves, we can help clear the feeling most rapidly by accepting it without judgment. This is something we can do to help our children’s feelings of rejection as well. Instead of trying to talk ourselves or them out of feelings, we acknowledge to ourselves (or to our children) that indeed, rejection hurts. Just as we need to rest a sore ankle after we have twisted it, we need to rest an aching heart before we go on with our day. Treating OURSELVES with kindness, warmth and loving care (and showing our children how to do the same) helps to rapidly heal the wounds of rejection.