Bedtime Blues
by Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C.Psych.Assoc.
The Struggle
It is only natural that children don’t want to go to bed and only natural that we must put them there. So begins the battle.
Some parents spend several hours each night trying to get their little ones settled to sleep. Some spend hours just trying to get them into their beds. Usually, these hours are not what we would call “quality time.” Rather, they consist of cajoling, begging, crying (both parent and child), screaming and sometimes even acts of violence. Finally, both parent and child collapse in exhaustion, each feeling wounded from the evening’s activities. But there is another way.
The Solution
A. Allot Your Time
First, determine what time you’d like the child to be in bed. Then add approximately one half hour to allow for snacking, drinking, facewashing, teethbrushing and changing into pyjamas. On bathnights, add another half hour. Depending on your preferences, you may add yet another half hour for storytime or quality time (talking about the day or playing a quiet game). Make the pre-bedtime period warm, playful and loving. This can be a time for parents and children to treasure forever in their hearts.
The entire start-to-finish process should then take a minimum of one half hour (that is, without bath and stories) and a maximum of one and a half hours (including all the frills). If the child is naturally tired at 8 p.m., start the bedtime routine at 7:30 for the no-frills version and at 6:30 for the deluxe version.
Always determine the child’s natural point of exhaustion when starting your bedtime routine. It is not advisable to put a child to sleep at 7 p.m. when he or she is not tired until 9 p.m. If you find that your child does not get tired early enough for your liking, you can change his “natural fatigue” schedule: wake him up earlier in the morning EVERY morning without exception. After about a week, the child will begin to get tired earlier in the evening. Be patient; this really works.
B. Establish Your Rules
Let the child know that once the actual bedtime has arrived (i.e. 8 p.m.), you will stay with her for a few minutes (name how many minutes you are willing to stay i.e. 3, 5, 10, 15 or whatever you are comfortable with). Tell the child that you will be leaving the room after that time and she must stay in bed. Suggest that it will be a good idea to fall asleep while you are still there, but this is her choice. It is fine to lie down with a prepubescent child for these few minutes or sit on the bed or sit in a chair near by.
Once you leave the room, the child must stay in bed without calling for you (except in case of emergency). Tell the child that if she gets out of bed or calls for you unnecessarily, she will receive a negative consequence (see below). Tell her exactly what negative consequence she will be receiving so that she can decide whether she wants to stay in bed quietly or pay the price of being disruptive.
C. Establish Consequences
If the child calls out or gets out of bed, send him to stand in a corner or sit in a “thinking chair” for the number of minutes of his age. Alternatively, you can have him write out lines (“I must stay in bed quietly after 8 o’clock”) for the number of minutes of his age. (If you don’t know how to get a child to voluntarily go to the corner or write out lines, read “Help! I Have Children.” or use another negative consequence of your own choosing.) Then take him back to bed. If he calls out or comes out again, send him to the corner or line-writing again, but increase the number of minutes he must spend there by 2. Then take him back to bed. Continue in this fashion until the child “gives up.” Try not to say much to the child (other than, “now you must stand in the corner/write out lines as I warned you before”). Do not show anger or even displeasure. This point is critical! Anger at bedtime can be traumatic for both of you. Take some relaxing herbal tea before you deal with your child or dab some essential oil on your pulse points (camomile essential oil turns off rage). Just be quiet and businesslike. Your attitude should show the child that you are not interested in night-time games and the child will not be receiving any attention for his poor behaviour.
B. Be More Persistent Than Your Child
Use the same consequence process for 3 nights in a row. If you do not notice improvement after the third night, use the same process but change the negative consequence. For example, if you were asking the child to write out lines, you may now ask her to do a household chore for the number of minutes of her age, doubling it for each additional episode that evening. Use the “household chore” consequence for 3 full nights. If improvement does not occur, switch to yet another negative consequence. For example, you might fine the child a certain portion of his allowance, increasing the fine for each episode of leaving the bed or calling out. Or you might deduct minutes of tomorrow’s computer-time, increasing the deduction for each episode. Or you might subtract treats from tomorrow’s menu. These ideas are offered in random order – pick whatever consequence you think will sufficiently annoy your child. Whatever consequence you choose, use it for 3 consecutive nights. Remember: every child has his price! Your job is to find it! You are in control of your home; your child is not. When you are determined that your child will be in bed by a certain time and stay there quietly, it will happen – even if it takes a few weeks to make it so. You cannot make a child go to sleep, but you certainly can make him go to bed.
