Parenting Challenging Children

by Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C.Psych.Assoc.

Some children are easy to raise. Some aren't. The ones who aren't may be that way for a variety of reasons - developmental disabilities, attention deficit disorder, hyperactivity, difficult temperament, emotional and/or behavioral problems - among other reasons. Whatever the cause, these children present unique challenges for parents.

Take, for example, the "difficult-by-temperament" child. This kind of youngster is born with a cluster of personality traits that make him hard to live with.  He may, from earliest infancy, display irregularity in his body rhythms (finding it hard to settle into a regular sleeping and eating routine), restlessness, inflexibility (reacting badly to changes in environment), high intensity (a loud, screaming baby), oversensitivity to noise, light and clothing textures, and negative mood (grouchiness). As he grows, he becomes increasingly difficult to manage: he always has a complaint, he lacks social skills, he's fussy and generally "impossible." Because he's so hard to live with, his parents have trouble "liking" him.  This leads to a cycle in which the child behaves poorly, provoking parental rejection, which causes the child to reject himself (suffer low self-esteem) and therefore behave even more poorly, thus provoking more rejection and so forth.

Obviously, challenging children are at greater risk for developing emotional problems than are easier-to-raise youngsters.  But so are their parents! It's not easy to tolerate the day-to-day problems of challenging children; in fact, it causes great parental stress! Parents may suffer all kinds of emotional consequences such as guilt (for psychologically or physically abusing their difficult children), marital distress (as parents enter conflict over the etiology and management of these children), burn-out (from the constant battles and lack of positive progress involved) and depression (from self-blame, external criticism, powerlessness and unremitting stress).

Step 1: Nurturing the Parenting Team

All parents face the ultimate life challenge - raising human beings.  However, parents of difficult children have the extra burden of experiencing less gratification for their efforts; their job is harder and seemingly less rewarding a lot of the time.  (Although short term progress may be hard to see, there will be long term success from continued quality parenting efforts.)  Therefore, these parents have to go to extra lengths to strengthen themselves for the task, to nurture themselves and their relationship in order to be able to nurture their children effectively

Stressed-out parents is the LAST thing that challenging children need! Because these children are also stressed by their own lack of self-control and negativity, they actually need parents who are super-calm, very in-control, and very warm and loving. They need a parental team that is very "together" - a marriage that is strong and positive.  In other words, difficult children require much more of their parents.  They are more insecure and needy, more vulnerable and more chaotic emotionally. They rely upon the emotional strength of their parents to guide them safely through childhood.

So we are faced with a "catch-22." The challenging child drains his parents and strains their marriage, yet he needs them to be happy, secure and strong for him.  To the extent that they are not these things, both he and they will suffer.  To the extent that they can remain solid in the face of this challenge, both the child and the parents will thrive.  What will help the parents remain intact for their benefit and the benefit of their child?

There are several strategies that will help. One is parental "togetherness."  Together, parents need to find practical solutions for dealing with their difficult children.  This means, seeking professional guidance TOGETHER.  For example, both mother and father can consult with their family doctor, paediatrician, psychologist and other professionals in order to obtain an assessment for their child. The parents do not have to agree that there IS a problem - they only have to agree to see if a professional thinks there is.  They don't have to agree with the professional's assessment - they only have to agree to consider it. Parents do, therefore, have to remain open-minded: if at least one parent suspects there may be a developmental difficulty of some kind, the other should allow and support an investigation.

Similarly, parents should seek intervention TOGETHER.  This may mean attending parenting classes together (just to get some good options), or reading up on parenting issues together, or watching parenting videos together or consulting parenting specialists or other professionals together. Both parents do not have to agree that the things they learn are "right" - they only have to agree to EXPLORE options together.

After engaging in an investigation together, parents should draw up a parenting plan TOGETHER.  This can mean identifying problematic behaviours and creating appropriate interventions for them (i.e. rewards, negative consequences, ignoring, etc.), creating rules and expectations, and most importantly, EVALUATING weekly progress (following up to see how the interventions and rules are actually working). Working on parenting issues together, maintains a strong parental team.  The parents don't have to agree that the selected interventions will work - they only have to agree to EXPERIMENT, OBSERVE THE RESULTS and EXPERIMENT SOME MORE.

Difficult children have a way of tearing their parents apart.  In order to avoid this process, parents need to make a concerted effort to SUPPORT EACH OTHER. This may mean listening to each other's frustrations empathetically, never blaming or criticizing for poor parenting. Indeed, well-placed compliments ("Wow, you really handled that well - I would never have been able to manage that!") will go a long way toward cementing the marriage and reinforcing good parenting techniques. If may be very helpful to offer to relieve a spouse as a "gift" occasionally ("Why don't you take a break this evening - I'll watch the kids") as a form of appreciation, understanding and practical support.

These strategies focus on parenting strategies.  However, parents of difficult children must be more than parents - they must remain a couple!  They need to nurture their marriage carefully in order to withstand the stresses of challenging parenting. This can involve finding weekly time alone together, making some daily private-time available, engaging in non-parenting activities (i.e. going out together WITHOUT discussing the children at all), re-romanticizing the relationship (engaging in courtship behaviours such as buying little gifts, writing love-notes, doing acts of kindness, speaking affectionately and so on), and seeking marital counselling to remediate any tension that has set in or to enhance communication and intimacy.

When parents acknowledge and act upon the potential hazards of raising challenging children, everyone benefits. Difficult children have the best chance of reaching their potential and succeeding in life when they are raised by parents who protect themselves and their marriage.  And parents have the best chance of enjoying life and surviving the challenge of their children, when they take proactive steps in parenting.

Step 2: A Helpful Parenting Style

Challenging children need parents.   They need adults who are willing and able to take on the parenting role, the job of parent. They need adults they can turn to for nurturing and for guidance.  They need protection.

Parents provide this protective parenting in two main ways - (1) through offering firm, safe, consistent discipline and structure and (2) by being a source of nurturing, emotional support, satisfaction, need gratification and pleasure.  When children become so challenging that they seem to spend their entire day provoking parents, adults have to remember that their true authority can only be established through providing BOTH love and authority. Once a parent finds herself "locking horns" continuously with her child, she can be sure that she has lost true authority.  When most parenting days are spent correcting, reprimanding and punishing a child, we are asking for real trouble.

This plants the seeds for a true conduct disorder. Rather, NO MATTER WHAT THE BEHAVIOUR OF THE CHILD, parents must find plentiful ways of providing loving nurturing in each parenting day.

Some ways to provide nurturing include any of the following:

• giving the child treats and privileges
• giving praise
• touching the child lovingly (hugs & kisses)
• telling the child he/she is loved and loveable
• listening carefully
• talking gently
• helping the child in whatever way possible

These sorts of behaviours need to happen daily, even if the child has been disobedient, disruptive or uncooperative. The more "good" that a parent provides for a child, the more "power" the parent has to guide and direct that youngster.

In addition, parents need to provide firm, patient discipline and structure. This must be provided from an "adult" position - as soon as the parent starts to yell and scream at the child, the parent has dropped down to the "child" level him/herself - it becomes like two children squabbling. Each shouts louder to try to get the upper hand and both lose out - the child loses parental guidance, protection and authority and the adult loses dignity, power and love.

Before disciplining a child, make sure you're in the right mood to do it!  If you are not perfectly calm, quiet and rational, WALK AWAY FROM THE SCENE.  Come back when you are feeling more in control. There is no need to discipline on the spot.  However, there is a GREAT need to discipline calmly, respectfully, and quietly. When we discipline from a position of inner control, we gain outer control as well.  We also increase the feelings of safety, security and trust in our children.  This gives us greater authority over them and bonds them to us more securely.

When disciplining, YOU decide what has to happen and what you'll be talking about with your child; you be in charge.  Do not let the child determine the topic of conversation or control the mood of the interaction. Stay in your calm frame of mind and do what YOU, as an adult, feel needs to be done. You don't have to be perfect; just use your best judgment - you're an experienced, mature adult and YOU DO KNOW WHAT YOUR CHILD NEEDS. Don't let the child derail you!

These approaches to raising the challenging child will help to make your job easier and more successful.