Screamers Anonymous
by Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C.Psych.Assoc.
Some houses are full of screaming: children screaming and parents screaming and everybody screaming at each other. Most people who live in such houses don’t enjoy the experience. The good news is that it is easier than you might think to transform a loud, conflicted household into a quieter, more peaceful domain.
Why Do Children Scream?
Children 3 years old and younger often scream because their desires exceed their verbal skills. In other words, they haven’t yet learned how to express themselves adequately in words. Children 4 years old and older often scream because they have not yet been trained in the art of respectful communication. We can fix that.
Why Do Adults Scream?
Adults 50 years old and older have no excuse. However, younger adults often find themselves raising children and this job can render one so frustrated, so helpless and so overwhelmed that screaming seems to be the best and only thing to do. In the moment it appears to let off steam, get everyone’s attention and even get people to do what you want them to do. The only problem is that it also seems to get everyone to hate you. Yes, the painful truth is that children often intensely dislike their screaming parents (just like spouses can’t stand their screaming mates). In childrearing, it is essential that the child like, admire, love and respect the parents because this positive emotion is the only thing that motivates the child to accept the guidance and influence of the parents in the long run. Children who hate their parents tend to reject the parental value system, beliefs and teachings. Children who feel affection toward their parents usually want to please the parents, be like their parents and take what their parents have to offer.
Screaming is Hard on You
Screaming is hard on your body. Research shows that screamers are at higher risk for all kinds of health problems, especially those affecting the heart and longevity. Screaming, as we saw before, is hard on your relationships. Your home will not be your haven if you scream at your “loved” ones. You need those people! Research shows that people who are surrounded by loving relationships do better in every area of life. Finally, screaming is hard on your self-image. Many screamers feel helpless, inadequate, depressed and full of shame. Who can like him/herself after a morning of screaming at everyone? You need your own approval! Research shows that people who like themselves have a much better life! It’s important to quit screaming for all of these reasons.
Screaming is Hard on Children
We scream at children to get them to listen. However, screaming tends to make children deaf to a normal tone of voice. Moreover, the more a child is screamed at, the less co-operative he/she becomes. The more a child is screamed at, the more damaged his/her personality becomes. Screaming at children often leaves them feeling bad, shamed, worthless and unlovable. This cluster of emotion is crippling, often leading to lifelong relationship difficulties and underachievement.
How to Stop Screaming
A comprehensive parenting approach that replaces the need to scream is covered in my parenting manual “Help! I Have Children”. However, some essential antidotes to screaming are listed here:
- Pay attention to good behaviour, “almost good” behaviour and even “expected normal” behaviour by commenting on it, praising it and rewarding it. Do not ignore it!
- Nurture a positive relationship by engaging in frequent listening, chatting, playing, joking, indulging, hugging, encouraging and pampering.
- Keep criticism to a minimum. Never use negative labels like “lazy,” “selfish,” “bad,” “mean” or “rude.” (Use the opposite word when correcting a child like “energetic”, “generous,” “kind,” or “polite” – as in the sentence: “You need to be kind to your sister” as opposed to “Don’t be mean to your sister.”)
- Never ask a child to do anything more than twice. Ask once and wait for a response. If the child doesn’t respond you can choose not to ask again – just pretend your conversation didn’t happen. However, if you decide the matter is important, then ask a second time, now telling the child that he can choose between doing what you’re asking or receiving a negative consequence. Limit this technique to your priority issue/s with your child. Overuse backfires.
- Reward yourself for getting through the morning (or evening or all day) without shouting at anyone. One morning/day without screaming = $$ toward that new suit/car/vacation/treat.
- Punish yourself for screaming (put aside money for charity each time you raise your voice or do some hated task or whatever).
These are some starters. Try them. It will be good for you and your kids and even your grandchildren, as you break the chain of anger that runs through the generations. Let the buck stop with you. World peace is next.
