Stop the Arguments
We Don’t Agree
Everyone has an opinion: the toddler thinks she should stay up late while Mom thinks she should be in bed early. The 10 year-old thinks ketchup belongs on every food while the parents think not. One spouse thinks dishes can dry in the drainer while the other thinks they belong in the cupboard. We just don’t agree.
What happens when people disagree with each other? In some households, disagreements bring people to the verge of hysteria (and sometimes beyond). There can be shouting, pushing, throwing and other aggressive or even violent shows of opinion. In some homes, there is endless argument and debate, a verbal repartee that wears everyone down. In some homes, disagreements melt silently into the atmosphere; they are barely detectable, politely expressed as a difference of opinion. What is it like in your home?
Flee from Conflict
We really ought to flee from conflict as if fleeing from a fire. The energy of conflict, after all, consumes like fire, wreaking emotional havoc and destruction. It robs us of the greatest blessing of all—peace. However, instead of running when they smell smoke, many people actually throw logs on the fire! They fight fire with fire: they answer back, they argue, they prove their point, they diminish the opponent. The subject of the conflict becomes irrelevant, replaced by the battle to prove oneself right.
Why We Fight
Conflict of opinion clearly feels dangerous. “What if I am proven wrong? I can’t allow myself to be exposed as defective or weak. I will fight to the bitter end to defend my self.” Because we feel so threatened, adrenalin is released into our bloodstream. Physical survival takes priority; our philosophical computer goes off-line. We respond automatically, from earlier programming and instincts—which is why we find ourselves saying things we later regret.
Learning Not to Fight
Parents can help their children learn to circumvent the adrenalin reaction to interpersonal conflict. They do this in two ways: by their model and by their instruction. Parents who fight with each other or with others teach their children to fight. These kids are likely to grow up to fight with their spouses and their own children. It will not be possible to teach your kids to handle conflict respectfully if you don’t do it yourself.
If you are providing a good model of respectful conflict resolution, you still have to TEACH the children how to handle their own negotiations in a respectful way. The combination of the parental model and parental instruction gives the child the best opportunity to acquire this skill. However, the child’s nature is also an important factor. Some people are born to argue! Their temperament is rigid and controlling. Other people are flexible and easy-going from birth. Whatever the inborn difference in their children, parents who provide the proper model and education are doing all that is in their power to help their kids enjoy peaceful and loving relationships.
The “I Don’t Argue” Rule
One teaching tool that parents can employ is the “I Don’t Argue” Rule. This rule helps prevent escalation of conflict by ending combative conversations quickly. The entire conflict lasts only two rounds. For instance, a child wants to put ketchup on everything but the parent doesn’t want him to. The child enters “round 1” saying, “Can I put ketchup on my peas?” The parent enters “round 1” saying, “no.” The child starts “round 2” with a variation on the theme (i.e whining, repeating the request louder, giving logical arguments or whatever). The parent pauses to think on “round 2” then changes his or her mind OR repeats the original reply. If the parent repeats the original reply, he or she adds the words, “and that’s the end of the conversation.” The child does “round 3, 4, 5 etc.” alone. The parent does not continue the discussion in any form, but rather gets involved in some other activity. When this approach is used consistently, children soon learn that they might as well stop talking after “round 2” because nothing they say will make a difference. They therefore stop arguing completely.
While using the “I Don’t Argue” Rule, parents ignore the unpleasant tactics of their kids. The rule is meant to teach children only one point: do not go on and on and on.. However, there are certain types of speech that require direct intervention. Kids must be stopped from yelling, insulting, threatening or otherwise using combative communication strategies. Normal discipline strategies can be employed for this purpose.
When parents focus on giving and accepting only respectful communication, they help their children guard their tongues and their happiness. Differences of opinion exist; fighting doesn’t have to.
