My Stress, Your Problem
How Do YOU Handle Stress?
What do you do when you discover that you forgot an important appointment? Do you say “oops” and reschedule the appointment? Or do you beat yourself up out loud (“I can’t believe I did that! Why am I so stupid? This will cost me money...I just can’t believe I did this…”). What do you do when you drop a glass on the floor (because you were rushing, because you were late because the kids wouldn’t cooperate) and it smashes to bits? Do you explode? Or do you just sigh deeply?
What do you do when your spouse does or says something provocative? Do you react immediately with a stabbing retort? Do you stay silent and think about how you will handle this later on? What if your child ruins the pile of laundry you just so carefully folded? Do you shriek? Do you laugh? Do you apply the 2X-Rule (a respectful form of discipline)?
All of these situations are stressful. Waiting in long line ups, discovering an overdrawn account, trying to do too may errands in too little time—these examples of “daily hassle stress” take a toll on everyone. In fact, daily hassle stress can be harder on the body than single major event type stressors. Daily hassle stress occurs daily. When people experience this kind of stress in the moment, they respond by doing something. Very often, the thing they do helps to release the stress they feel. Making loud noises, wringing hands, slamming doors—these transfers of energy help to move stress out of the body. But where does it go?
Moving Stress
Research shows that unexpressed stress can harm a person physically and emotionally. Keeping stress responses inside the body creates a time-bomb. Eventually the accumulated stress explodes. The explosion can take the form of a fit of rage or a flooding of tears or a physical illness. It can lead to emotional collapse (so-called “nervous breakdown.”) So it’s not a good idea to keep stress bottled up.
However, letting stress out can create its own set of problems. Expressed stress can ruin relationships, destroy family life and lead to physical illness. (The literature shows that disease stems equally from stifled stress and from expressed stress!). Fortunately, there are some safe and healthy venues for moving stress out of the body/mind. Clear communication helps release interpersonal stress. Personal stress is reduced with many different techniques. One is regular (preferably daily) exercise. Another is regular personal counseling sessions. Another is daily pouring out of one’s soul to Hashem. Another is taking daily private time to examine one’s feelings and experiences of the day, to pay attention to the accompanying thoughts, emotions and even physical sensations, and address the needs that arise out of all this information. Relaxation techniques do not remove stress per se, but they help the body handle stress more efficiently by keeping one’s physical and emotional “thermostat” at a lower, calmer overall level of functioning; therefore relaxation techniques can be used as part of a stress-reduction program as well.
Expressed Stress is Contagious
Although there are many healthy ways to remove stress from the system, a lot of people don’t use any of them. Many people simply express their stress in the moment it occurs. Often, such people are products of homes in which proper stress management wasn’t taught or even more likely, homes in which the parents routinely expressed their momentary stress in dysfunctional ways. When people release their stress by raising their voices, shouting at themselves, shouting at family members or doing something physical (like throwing something, slamming something or pounding something) stress flows out of them and into their homes. Every family member will breathe and absorb the stress that’s been dumped into the kitchen or living room. It isn’t pleasant, comfortable or emotionally safe to live in such environments.
Private Stress, Public Home
Unless someone lives alone, their expressed stress is not a private affair. The home must be considered to be a “public” place. The way you react to your personal stress can affect all members of the household. Knowing this is Step One. Caring enough about the people you live with to act on this knowledge is Step Two. This means that you consciously choose how you will express your stress (or not express it) keeping the welfare of loved ones in mind. Step Three is adopting some of the stress management strategies listed above so that your actual stress level will be minimized.
A stress-reduced home does not occur by accident. It is the product of hard work and love.
