Parents Who Worry
Worrying is What Parents Do
Parents tend to worry. Before the baby is born, parents worry about its birth, its health, its future and their own. After it’s born and from then on, parents worry about every aspect of the child’s well-being: his or her physical health, emotional state, spiritual state, academic and social functioning, marriage prospects, marriage, work and community life and whatever else can be worried about. For parents of one child, worrying can be a full time job. For parents of many children, it’s the same; there are, after all, only so many hours in a day (and night).
Why Worry?
Worrying helps give parents the illusion of control. By ruminating people can delude themselves that they are preventing something bad from happening – for them, worrying is better and somehow more powerful than just sitting around helplessly doing “nothing” about the possible pitfalls and dangers that lie ahead. Of course, worrying is not exactly the same as planning or problem-solving. Indeed, focusing on an area of concern can be helpful at times, especially when it involves problem-solving. For example, when a parent sees that her child does not like to study, she can think about this for a bit and try to come up with some helpful strategies. The worrier, on the other hand, worries about the problem (thinks about it over and over and over again) with or without problem-solving.
In a funny way, worrying soothes anxiety. Thinking about a problem is a sort of distraction from the emotional consequences of that problem. Instead of paying attention to underlying feelings of sadness, despair, hopelessness, helplessness and pain, worriers get to stay on the surface of an issue, wringing hands, thinking and talking constantly, always “busy” with the problem rather than experiencing its emotional consequences. Oddly enough, feeling the pain is a fast way to end worrying and restore peace of mind.
Who Worries?
Everyone worries sometimes. While waiting for a potentially serious doctor’s report, for example, most people will worry. While waiting for exam results that have important implications, many people will worry. Before embarking on an intense, first time experience (like giving birth for the first time), many people tend to worry.
However, there is also a group of “professional worriers” who will worry about issues that regular people do not fret about. Professional worriers go into full gear when a loved one is a little late in arriving home. Professional worriers get overwhelmed when a child comes home with a low grade as they anticipate dire consequences such as a ruined adulthood. These people worry excessively about suspicious bumps and rashes (while others take a “wait and see” attitude), about the details of their children’s social affairs from kindergarten onward, and about what other people will think or say. They worry a lot.
Causes of Worrying
People become serious worriers in two ways: Some have grown up with worried parents, learning the worry pattern from them. Others become worriers via the genetic route. (And both factors often co-exist in the same family.)Worrying can be a manifestation of an inborn anxiety disorder called Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD. In this case, a person is wired to worry. Her mind goes down the worry road without her consent. The diagnostic criteria for GAD include the following:
1. A lot of worry about a lot of things for at least 6 months.
2. An inability to stop worrying.
3. Three of the following symptoms (in children, only one of the following symptoms is required): feeling on edge or restless, being easily fatigued, having trouble concentrating, being irritable, having muscle tension, having sleep issues.
4. The worrying causes significant distress.
5. The worrying is not the result of another condition or substance.
Intense worrying is not normal. It is usually upsetting for the worrier and for other family members who must live with the worrier.
Help for Worriers
Some people will benefit from a cognitive-behavioral approach to worry. There are many self-help books that use this strategy. The work of Dr. Edmund Bourne (“Coping with Anxiety: 10 Simple Ways to Relieve Anxiety, Fear and Worry”), for example, is very popular. In recent years, Dr. Bourne and many others have begun to recommend various forms of alternative therapy in addition to or even instead of cognitive-behavioral treatment. Bach Flower Therapy can safely and painlessly reduce the tendency to worry, for example. Energy Psychology or EFT (see IsraelTraumaCare for information on this technique) is a do–it-yourself strategy than can help stop worrying in its tracks. Professional help can be extremely effective for intense worriers.
Because there is so much one can worry about in parenting, parents really need to know how to remain calm and positive. Worrying can be more than unpleasant; it can interfere with appropriate parenting. Reducing excessive worry can bring tremendous improvement in quality of life for the whole family. Self-help and/or professional help can help!
