I had a similar issue with a good friend and in the end I just had to stop hanging around her because she screamed at her kids so much I couldn't stand listening to it. Now I only hang around mothers whose parenting style I can tolerate.

It's too bad she's your best friend. You're going to have to see her kids a lot. Why don't you buy her a copy of Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice as a birthday gift this year?

Why would you want to be friends with someone who is so unhealthy?

I don't know how old your kids are and how old your friend's kids are but if it's possible for you too to get together WITHOUT the children, I'd suggest you go that route. You might have to make an exception for birthday parties, but you seem to have found a solution for that scenario. You're right about people being defensive about their kids and their parenting style so it might put too much of a strain on the friendship for you to be honest with her about your opinions. But maybe you could ask her to go to a parenting lecture or workshop series with you. You can present it as something that you're really interested in attending but don't want to go alone. Maybe she'll be able to pick up some better skills. I know that might cost you a bit of money but perhaps you value the friendship enough to do that for this woman and her children. Also, go ahead and set rules for her kids at your house. It is, after all, YOUR house. Try to avoid taking your kids to her house because there's not much protection you can offer on their territory. If it becomes impossible to implement these ideas, you might consider getting yourself a new best friend.   Sarah Chana