I have the same problem with my two who are 8 and 5. Just like yours, my older one bothers the younger one mercilessly. I don't know why he has to do this. I've had so many "heart-to-hearts" with him about the importance of brotherly love, a peaceful home, getting along and all that stuff. He seems to understand what I say and he always says, "I'll try harder" but the results last for less than 30 seconds. So I hope somebody has had success in dealing with this sort of thing.

I;n happy to tell you ladies that I have solved this problem with my two, ages 7 and 5. First of all I suggest that you forget the "heart-to-hearts" - I read somewhere (I think it was actually in  Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice) that you shouldn't give quality one-on-one attention to a kid for misbehaving because he'll actually misbehave MORE just to get that attention! Anyway, what worked for me was teaching the little one how to be verbally assertive, that is how to tell the older one to go away and leave him alone "or else." The "or else" was "or else I'll call Mommy." If the younger one forgot to use his words, he would receive a punishment for his violent or otherwise unacceptable behavior. The older one received a punishment if I saw him teasing or bothering his brother, but I didn't give him any other attention for this behavior like lectures, reprimands, bad looks or anything else. I acted sort of bored and not interested. When he saw that he wasn't hooking me or his little brother, his teasing died down significantly.

I agree that not getting emotionally involved is important. Sometimes kids fight just to get their parents' attention. But I think that kids have to be protected also. Verbal and emotional abuse harms kids whether it comes from bullying inside or outside the home. I don't think parents can afford to ignore what's happening when siblings fight excessively. If the older one just can't stop his behavior no matter what the parent is trying, I think he should be taken for professional help. I say this as a younger sister who was abused by a big brother for all of her childhood. I really wish my parents had taken the situation seriously.

The question is, what is "abuse" and what is normal sibling rough stuff. Kids tease each other. The little ones aren't innocent either - they do their own damage. In fact, kids work out their little communication games and they take their positions. Parents don't always have to come rescue them or change things around. Sometimes parents make it worse because the kids are happy enough bothering each other but then the parent makes a big deal out of it and then the kids feel angrier at each other than they were before the parents got involved. Unless blood is drawn, I think parents should stay out of it.

That's ridiculous! Emotional abuse is real. Just because blood isn't drawn doesn't mean that kids aren't wounded. Sibling abuse can really wound a developing child, ruining his self-confidence and his self-esteem and sometimes making him feel terrified all the time. It is the parent's job to show little people how to behave maturely otherwise how are they supposed to know any better? I never let my kids tease each other or call each other names. They get disciplined as seriously for that kind of behavior as for lying, physically fighting or any other annoying or inappropriate action. As a result, they have learned not to behave badly to each other (they are in their teens now). I have friends whose kids of the same age are still obnoxious to each other. The parents followed the "stay out of it" approach and what they got was endless bad communication between their kids.

I am sorry I dont have answers - but I have almost the same problem- 7,4,2 year olds two older daughters and one adorable boy- I am told this is all just part of growing up - but I am  also realizing that i am not enjoying it...i find it is the older one who instigates and when it is the two little ones they play nicely together...I try and separate the older ones as much as possible - having a playdate over is sometimes helpful but then I find my older one will sometimes use the playdate to gang up on the middle child....any new advice to share?