Kids do fight with each other. The table is really a learning experience. The kids are learning how to handle stress from seeing the way their parents handle the stress of the table! Some kids will watch their parents screaming for 20 years and they'll learn that that's the way to handle stress. Some kids will see parents who patiently institute table rules and respectfully set boundaries and who emphasize the positive rather than the negative. Your job is to raise your kids - they need your guidance. If they were already mature, they wouldn't be kids! I suggest you use the CLeaR Method (see Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice or the download on this site called The CleaR Method). It is pleasant for the parent to use and very pleasant for the kids to receive and it can change behavior for the better rapidly and painlessly. Also, try not to make any negative remarks at the table for a two week period - no criticism, complaints or lectures. Either use the CLeaR Method to address inappropriate behavior or do nothing at all. Instead, just pay attention to any desirable behaviors that occur at the table (like eating nicely, talking about something interesting, etc.). After two weeks you should start to see some improvement. Keep using the CLeaR Method and positive attention. However, you can also try to implement the 2X-Rule once or twice a week maximum, to help clean up remaining unacceptable behaviors. The point is that YOU want to be pleasant, even if the kids are not. They will eventually follow your lead and accept your boundaries. The more complaints and punishments you offer, the worse the kids will be. Try this approach and see how it goes.   Sarah Chana

I had this same problem with my kids. Once I stopped yelling at them, things took a turn for the better, just like Sarah Chana describes. The change had to come from me. I started joking around with them more at the table and I just ignored the bad stuff they were doing. Soon, we were all laughing and enjoying ourselves at mealtime. It isn't perfect now because they still bother each other, but it is SO much better!

I have a couple of "table rules" that seem to work pretty well. One is that if my husband or I see a child bothering another child, the "botherer" has to leave the table while we eat; he can come back and eat alone later. (This bothers the kids because we usually have fun at the table - I don't think it would bother them otherwise.) The second rule is that if two kids are fighting and we have no idea who started it, then we just send them both away until we're finished eating and then they can come and fight with each other all they want while they eat alone. This causes them to have to wait a good half hour for their dinner, which they don't like. Since we instituted these rules, the kids have virtually stopped their squabbles (each one of them got punished at least one time before they decided it wasn't worth it). We don't yell at them at all. We just tell them immediately that they have to leave. We warned them ONCE at the beginning of the program. The important trick is don't keep warning them at each meal because this causes them to fight at each meal until they hear the warning. Warn them only once and then punish them right away if you see unacceptable behavior. That stops them in their tracks!

I understand about the importance of being positive but I don't know how I'm supposed to ignore the meanness and violence of my boys. They poke each other with their forks - am I just supposed to ignore this and make pleasant jokes? I think they can really hurt each other.

Well if you think they're going to poke each other's eyes out I guess you could stop them. But if they're just trying to be annoying, you'll be more successful at getting them to be normal if you do ignore their bad behavior for a couple of weeks. The question is to you want to stop the problem in the short run but have to deal with it every day for the next 10 years or do you want to stop it permanently? The permanent way is a slower method (because you have to wait it out for a couple of weeks) but the results last much longer (as long as YOU don't revert back to yelling/criticizing tactics). Little boys can be quite rough, but they need gentle guidance. Being tough with them can backfire, causing even more aggression. I have 4 very normal boys and they do tease each other but if I stay cool, they stop much sooner than if I start to intervene and they are much less aggressive.

All this makes me think back to my experience with my parents 45 years ago. My dad had absolutely no patience for misbehavior at the table. He went nuts on us kids all the time. I remember that I did misbehave a lot but I was just fooling around. The way my dad handled it you'd think that I was some sort of dangerous criminal that needed the electric chair. Sometimes he'd grab us physically and throw us away from the table. He'd usually scream at us and often reached over to smack us on the head. The only "good" this all did for me was it made me vow to treat my kids differently when I grew up. I hated my dad all my life. Maybe he thought he was teaching us table manner but all he really taught us was that he was crazy.

My dad was about the same as yours. Unfortunately, he taught us one more thing - how to BE crazy like him. When my kids behave badly, I usually lose it just like Dad did. The only difference is that I hate myself for it. But it seems like yelling is always my first response and although I don't hit my kids the way my dad hit us, I know that they are terrified of my anger. A parent who yells at his kids is messing with the kids' minds - programming them to be crazy just like him. I'm trying to work on my temper (my wife says the kids are going to hate me just like I hate my dad if I don't change my style) but it is so hard. Do your kids a favor and never start yelling so they won't be handicapped like I was.