Confronting A Child Who Lied

It’s a sad reality, but kids sometimes (often?) lie. The reasons vary, with some reasons more understandable than others. But as we want to instill the values of honesty and integrity in our children, it’s important that we address lying behavior.

The key to addressing lying from our children is really to understand why he or she lied.

Consider the following:

Kids lie to avoid embarrassment.

Embarrassment is unpleasant emotion; even adults would go to various lengths to avoid it. Young kids get embarrassed too, and may feel compelled to lie to protect themselves. For instance, toddlers may lie about soiling their underpants or their diaper. This is specially so when they are the only toddler around, and do not see anybody else in the house who does the same thing.

If kids lie to avoid embarrassment, parents must refrain from scolding their kid. To do so would just push them to lie again should a similar situation occur. Kids soil their underpants because they are not trained yet to manage their basic functions. In this case, the action that causes the embarrassment is beyond the child’s control – and should not be judged.  Instead, parents must gently share the repercussions of not getting changed immediately, like having rashes and infections. They must also make the child feel safe enough to share about the things that make them feel embarrassed.

 

Kids lie because they think their imagination is real.

“It’s true! The Polar Bear hid my notebook away.”

There is a stage when kids are still confused with reality and imagination. Ages 3-5 years, for example, are times of fantasy play and imaginary friends. At this point, most preschoolers believe what they say as they somehow create their own alternate world. As parents, the last thing you should do is reprimand the kid for lying, as deep in their hearts, the kid doesn’t know their lying.

 

Kids lie because somebody told them to.

There are cases when kids lie because they were instructed by another adult to lie (“Don’t tell Mommy I took her keys, ok?”), or compelled by a peer or playmate (“Shh.This is our little secret!) In cases like this, it’s best to orient your child on the difference between secrets that’s okay for them to keep (e.g. not telling where they kid their lego set), and secrets that they should not hide (e.g. if they catch a sibling doing a bad thing.)

 

Kids that lie to protect other’s feelings

It’s during school when kids actually begin to learn how to lie the way adults do. Perhaps they wanted to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings. Or perhaps they are afraid to disappoint someone. Telling friends that they like their dress when they actually is an example of lying to protect someone else’s feelings.

If these are the reasons why your child lies, then the best thing to do is to first, appreciate the fact that they’re sensitive enough to consider other people’s feelings and second, explain thoroughly that as their parents, they can confide anything and be perfectly honest to you. It’s at this stage where children must learn the meaning of family on a new perspective, and that the family can accept them for who they are and what they have done.

 

Kids that lie for selfish reasons

On the other hand, if your kid begins to lie for manipulative reasons, then this is a whole new story. Some kids lie regarding having a homework, or having finished cleaning up his/her own room, as they find lying to be a convenient way of getting out of the things they don’t want to do. Kids may also lie to avoid punishment. This usually manifests in the early teens and teens age, the time when they are most rebellious. This is also the time when kids are most aloof to their parents.

It’s at this stage where as parents, you really have to be very careful about your approach on confronting a child who lied. Most parents would simply punish their teen by changing the curfew or grounding them, but this may not be the best way as it could only heighten the walls between you. Your teens could get bad ideas everywhere, peers, media etc. This is the time a parent must be closest to their kid as it is the only way to protect them from their own harmful impulses. Explain why you’re not punishing them instead, and they may begin to open up and understand more why your family values honesty.

Fight lies by telling truths. It is important to kids that they are reminded how loved they are and that they will be accepted by their parents no matter what. Dig deeper into what motivated your kid to lie. Instead of judging them right away, understand their motivation for lying and address the motivation instead. If they lied to get off a chore, then talk about changing the chore schedule. If they lied about a failing grade, then talk about ways to go about it. In the end, the best way to confront a child who lied is not by forcing the truth out of them, but by making them understand that you will accept them no matter what the truth is.