HELPING YOUR OVERWEIGHT CHILD

Why are Kids Overweight?

            Kids – like adults – are overweight because they eat too much. The real question is why do they eat too much? Some people claim that it’s a lack of self-control. These people are usually beating themselves or others up for lack of restraint. Again, one must ask the question “why” – why do some people lack control when it comes to food?

            Genes play some kind of role. There are kids who have very little appetite or who are very fussy about what they will eat – and not because their parents trained them to be so restrictive. This is the way they are from birth. Then there are people who gravitate to food, turning to it for pleasure, solace, stimulation and any other reason.

            Some people claim that the environment plays a large role in children’s eating disorders. They have a point. The modern sedentary lifestyle contributes to the problem. Food-oriented homes and cultures (i.e. ours) definitely contribute as well. However, being surrounded by food doesn’t completely explain why some kids are overweight. Just as it is true that only a certain percentage of the grownup population will have a drinking problem when liquor is available (no one has a drinking problem when no alcohol is available), it is also true that only a certain percentage of the population will have an obesity problem when calorie-laden junk food is highly available. However, not all children are overweight. Some are normal weight and some are underweight. Culture and environment alone do not account for why your child is overweight.

            In fact, the issue of obesity has not yet been solved. We’ve sent people to the moon and invented web cams – but we do not yet know why some people will struggle life-long with their weight. Therefore, parents must be respectful of the complexity of the issue surrounding their child’s eating problems.

Having an Overweight Child

            It is so hard for parents to raise a child with eating issues –whether those are of the self-starving variety or the self-stuffing variety. Parents with overweight kids feel fear for their child’s well-being (physical, social and emotional). They may feel guilt for somehow contributing to the child’s problem – especially if they themselves have or used to have weight issues. They can feel shame – as if the world is pointing a blaming finger at them for not controlling their youngster. And, because of their inability to control their youngster, parents often feel helpless. And then enraged. It is so maddening to watch one’s child harm him or herself and not be able to stop it.

            These feelings cause parents to parent ineffectively around their child’s weight issue. They may give long lectures to their kids or make impossible and unkind food rules or argue with them, plead with them or resort to sarcasm or worse.  Fighting with a child about what he or she is eating is destructive, harming the parent-child relationship and the child’s developing personality. The result of forceful parental action is usually a sneaky child who finds a way to maintain his or her weight despite attempts at parental control.

Supporting the Child with Weight Issues

            Instead of fighting with a child over food, parents can actually support the child in his or her struggle. It may not be an easy road for your youngster. The child doesn’t need enemies; he or she needs helpers along the way. First depersonalize the issue by taking the child to the doctor. Let the doctor determine if there is, in fact, a weight issue. If the doctor finds one, then let the doctor speak to the child directly about this and refer the child to a dietician or nutritionist.  The child then should accompany the parents to the nutritionist (unless the youngster is a teenager, in which case the parents should have a separate meeting and the child a separate meeting with the nutritionist or, for older teens, the child alone would have the meeting). The resulting food plan should include treats and junk food in moderation. Parents can use emotional coaching to help their kids negotiate difficult food choices (“It’s hard to say no to that second piece of cake.” “It’s so frustrating watching other people eat things you want to eat.” “It doesn’t seem fair that the can have as much as they want while you have to measure it out!”).  Parents can also teach and encourage food-alternative-strategies. Limit the amount of screen time and encourage active play, exercise and any kind of vertical movement! Reducer isolation (a big factor among overeaters) and encourage telephone and in-person socialization. Keep communication about feelings & experiences OPEN to facilitate optimal emotional health. Model all of the strategies yourself.

            By being sympathetic to the intense struggle with food, parents can help their kids deal with this challenge. Kindness, patience and structure are gifts that you can give your overweight child.