Have you always dreamt of having a large family? Maybe you grew up an only child, and remembered how lonely it can get without siblings around. Or perhaps you’re more conservative when it comes to the number of children you’d like to someday have. You’re realistic about the cost of raising kids these days, and would not want economics to compromise your future children’s welfare.
Planning family size is an important task for every couple. While a welcoming attitude to “whatever will arrive” is certainly a great outlook to have, a lot can be said about being deliberate and purposive. When couples take the time to consciously envision the family they want to achieve, they can, as intentionally, set the foundations for their family’s physical, emotional, and spiritual growth.
Here are some tips on planning the size of your family:
Plan! Do prioritize family planning. Set a specific time and place to discuss this issue –and note that it’s not a topic meant for casual dinner conversation!
You want to be able to sort through all possible considerations involved in making a decision, e.g. the number of children you want to have, how you want to space the births, methods of birth control, etc. Depending on the parents-to-be, these can be very emotional topics; you or your partner may have strong opinions. So invest time; it’s better to discuss these issues early on, rather than have them blow up later in the relationship.
Decide as a couple. Whatever decision you come up with, make sure that it’s born out of consensus. Parenting is a partnership, and family size is a critical area couples need to see eye to eye on. Ideally, family planning should be done even before a couple gets married, or makes a commitment. If you’re having trouble negotiating, there’s no harm in consulting a family therapist, or the people who care about you.
Remember: there is no such thing as an ideal family size. There would always be experts claiming that so and so number of children makes the best family. But the reality is, family is what you make it. Each family size has their own advantages and disadvantages; each has potential for growth and trouble.
That an “only child grows up a spoiled brat” is a myth; conscious parents can always surround the sole apple of their eye with friends and situations that would give them a balanced view of life. The same can be said about the argument that children tend to lose individuality in a large family. Supportive sibling relationships can actually teach kids to know themselves more, and time management skills can help ensure parents give all their children personal attention.
Just note what your ideal family size would demand from you. For example, closed spacing of many children can be difficult in the beginning; raising 3 or more toddlers at once is taxing for any parent! Large, evenly spaced out families may be less stressful during the pre-school years, but dealing with different kids in various stages of development later demands flexibility. Adjust accordingly.
Factor in the logistics. When you plan, make sure that you cover all the basics.
Consider your finances: can you afford raising the family you plan to have? Remember there are hospital bills for childbirth to think about, school tuition expenses, and even the basic necessities of everyday like food, clothing and shelter. While talk of money can rob the sentiment out of raising a family, the sad reality is you need cash to ensure your kids’ wellness. Don’t be too idealistic.
Do you have the time and energy to invest in your kids? If you and your partner are both working full-time to catch up on bills, can you really provide a new baby the attention he or she deserves? Are you physically healthy to raise a new child? Do you need time to recuperate after the last childbirth?
How’s the environment? Does your home have the enough space to raise kids? Does your neighborhood have resources available to assist you in parenting? Would you be raising your kids in a community of values?
Be aware of cultural and religious considerations. Some cultures are conducive for large families, others are not. Collective communities, such as Asian, Italian and Hispanic cultures, often raise families together, making child-rearing less stressful. There are also belief systems that advocate big families; you may want to ground your plans on your faith.
Lastly, be flexible. What if despite all your planning, fate has other plans? Well, welcome surprises and setbacks! You’ll never know what you can discover about yourself, and the options available to you, once you start adapting to circumstances. Just keep your priorities and key parenting values clear, and make sure all your decisions are guided accordingly.
