We all need feedback to grow. In fact, you might even say that all experience is feedback. We grow by taking notice of what works and what doesn’t in our life, what must be continued and what has to be eliminated. Indeed, if we aren’t open to information on how well we are doing, we risk exerting so much effort, only to find out we’re going in the wrong direction too late.
So, yes, we need to give our kids feedback too. We need to criticize. For our child’s own development.
Critics vary in their styles. Some are Paula Abdul’s; sweet and gracious, always highlighting enjoyment and having fun. Others are Simon Cowell’s; direct, blunt, and sometimes abrasive. When you criticize, it’s important that you don’t fall in either of these two extremes: too soft that you don’t really give any constructive feedback, or too harsh that you end up hurting your child’s feelings.
Below are some tips on how parents can criticize their kids’ performance – minus the sting!
Focus on the observable.
Criticize behavior, not the person. Keep your statements as objective as you can, and don’t make any negative attributions about your child’s personality. Focusing on the observable will make your child feel that the criticism is on what he or she can improve, not what he or she is. If you keep things objective, you lessen the risk of hurting your child’s feelings.
For instance, if you feel that your child is not paying his homework as much attention as he or she should, don’t say that he or she is lazy. Lazy is a personal attribution, and is hurtful for any person to hear. Instead, say that you don’t think the amount of time he spends doing his homework is not enough to accomplish all tasks that has to be done. Amount of time is objective, and all you need to do with time is increase or decrease it – a recommendation that is unlikely to offend.
Take responsibility for your criticism. When you offer a criticism, emphasize that it’s because you voluntarily want to help, not because something in your child compelled you too. Nothing is more hurtful that saying “you know, I really would rather not say this, but I have to tell you…” The implicit statement is that “you suck so badly, to say nothing is a tragedy.”
Instead, tell your child that your opinion is just your opinion. Your child has the right to process it however he or she pleases, and is under no obligation to accept your criticism as fact. Tell your child that, in fact, he or she can totally ignore your criticisms if it’s perceived to be unjustified.
Use I-statements, messages that are focused on you and not the other person. This will make the criticism feel more like a reminder than blame. For example, instead of saying “you never appreciate me,” say “I sometimes feel that I am not appreciated.”
Use the sandwich approach.
To take the sting off a negative feedback, try sandwiching it in between two positive ones. For instance you can say: “Mike, I want to thank you for being such a considerate son. You always remember to greet me every morning, and this makes me feel so happy. At times, though, I feel bad, because you miss accomplishing some of the chores assigned to you. But I can see how much time you’ve spent tutoring your little brother, so I know that you are a responsible child.”
When you use the sandwich approach, kids are less likely to feel under attack. If you have heard kids say “you only notice the things I do wrong!” perhaps the sandwich approach is in order.
