IS MARRIAGE ALWAYS HARD?

Of Course Not

Somewhere, someone has won the marriage lottery. His or her spouse is patient, tolerant, wise, understanding and loving, generous, helpful, responsible, calm and caring. This spouse is a model for the rest of humanity to admire and emulate. He or she was a perfect child, an awesome adolescent and now an amazing adult who has it all. While everyone wants to be married to such a spouse, the bulk of humanity has married normal people.

Normal People

Normal people have their flaws. These are people who were regular kids – generally cheery but could be moody, sometimes mean, usually funny, sometimes lazy, often clever, making some friends and making some enemies. Talents and special qualities helped soften childish imperfections. They grew up to be good people who sometimes get it right and often get it wrong.

You married one. It is even possible that both you and your spouse are normal people. Normal spouses usually mean well but don’t necessarily remember everything you say. They frequently don’t listen in the first place. While they can be helpful they are just as likely to make work for you and then fail to appreciate that you’ve done more than your share. They are loving – unless you irritate them, in which case they may become unkind or downright hurtful. Too stingy or too generous, insufficiently involved or too controlling, talking too much or not enough, normal people are out of balance on some of their character traits. It can be annoying. Under stress they sometimes fall apart completely, although some will shine in adversity. Most are well-intentioned but then fall of their diet, start smoking again, spend too much money, neglect important tasks, display inconsistencies and gaps in spiritual endeavors and otherwise leave you feeling frustrated and disappointed a lot of the time. They’re wonderful and yet difficult to live with.

Particularly Challenging Spouses

Then, of course, there’s another group of spouses. Your spouse may be in this group but you definitely are not. This is the “difficult spouse.” Previously the difficult child and then the tough teen, this person still has a number of challenging characteristics. He or she fails to carry through on various responsibilities and so ends up being less than truthful in order to survive your wrath and his or her own shame. This person’s flaws sometimes seem to exceed positive qualities just because they are so intense: anger problems, parenting difficulties, addictions, serious mood issues or other mental health issues, money management issues and other difficulties of adult functioning are common. The difficult spouse forces a normal spouse to develop extraordinary characteristics such as patience, self-control, empathy, perseverance, spiritual strength and nerves of steel. Outside intervention is often required in order for a difficult spouse to be able to negotiate a successful marriage with a normal person. Life with a difficult spouse can be hard. But then, many things in life can be hard.

Making It Work

Our marriages are challenging just like our lives our challenging. Divorce can sometimes solve our problems but, particularly when children are involved, it is not the solution of choice. Rather, it is the solution when all else has failed, just as amputation is necessary only in extreme situations. For almost all regular marriages, there will be an element of pain and suffering; it comes with the territory of intimate relationships. We all imagine that others have it better or easier. However, no matter how pleasant it all looks on the exterior, with rare exceptions, spousal relationships are complex and even difficult. Yes, it is true that there is the occasional couple who really do have it blissfully easy. Similarly, a few people are born to extreme wealth. However, almost everyone else must work hard. Indeed,hard work in money and in marriage is the norm.

Our spouses’ shortcomings are interesting but not nearly as interesting as our reactions to them. In order to successfully share a lifetime with a flawed human being, we must learn to be patient, tolerant, wise, understanding and loving, generous, helpful, responsible, calm and caring.  We must grow way beyond our starting point. We must, in other words, become the spouse of our dreams. And then our spouse will have won the spousal lottery! Married couples share their prizes.