LETTING GO

Separation Anxiety in Parents

            We normally think of children as the ones who suffer from “separation anxiety” – the panic that occurs when one is left by another. However, this phenomenon happens to parents as well as to children.

Moms who have to return to work after the birth of their babies may feel the pain of separation even more than the infants. Sometimes parents stay home with their infants and toddlers so that the first separations occur when the child is the one to leave for camp, playgroup or school. Little kids may cry and cling to their parents on these first excursions from home. However, parents may inwardly be doing much the same. After the child boards the bus or enters the building, Mom may find a private spot to shed her own tears. Many mothers find it hard to let their children attend out-of-town seminaries and yeshivos. Giving up their ability to nurture their youngster on a daily basis can be hard. However, the hardest separation for parents to bear is often the one that occurs when a grown child leaves home for good.

Saying Goodbye

            It is, of course, a good thing that children grow up and leave home. No one wishes for their child to stay at home forever. However, the fact that it is healthy and appropriate does nothing to lessons the upset for parents. Many mothers have very positive, close relationships with their older teenage children of both genders. When the child moves out, he or she will have adventures and experiences. If the child is moving out into a marriage, then he or she will have a new intimate companion and a new life. It is the parent who is left behind.

            Marriage being what it is, it sometimes happens that the relationship one has with a grown child is closer, less conflicted and happier than the one that a person has with her own spouse! When this happens, the grief of “losing” a child is all the more intense. In fact, this is one reason that couples should always nurture their relationship to the utmost – to ensure that they HAVE a relationship when their youngsters move out to form their own. However, even if the marriage is fine, some women will enjoy a mother-child relationship that is quite different from the marital relationship; it may be fulfilling, satisfying and gratifying in a completely different way. When the tight bond is severed by travel, school or marriage, the mother can experience deep grief.

            It is not uncommon for people to anticipate the loss ahead months in advance. Some women literally lose sleep over the thought of the loss of their child. Intense anxiety can occur in those who have been prone to anxiety in their lives. Depression can affect those who are prone to depression. Losing a child – even to good causes – triggers the old vulnerabilities and unfinished business of adults.

Coping with Loss

            The first task in coping well with loss is to allow oneself to feel the pain. Becoming hyperbusy and distracted only prolongs the suffering. There will be time for extra projects later. When painful emotions are acknowledge and allowed, they float away. Just as a good cry clears up blocked emotions, listening to one’s own heart allows the heart to heal. There are many ways to begin this process. Talking to friends about grief is not the best way, since most people will want to talk you out of your feelings (“Don’t worry – soon you won’t want her back!”). Instead, keep a temporary journal. In it, write down – very quickly – your thoughts and feelings about your child leaving home. Do this for just a few minutes each day. The quick writing helps to get to your deeper feelings instead of staying on the calculated surface of the mind. Another exercise you can do is visit a counselor. The departure of a child can trigger many other issues – why not clean them all up now? Learning and using Emotional Freedom Technique can be a very fast way to relieve the grief. Look for a local practitioner, book or course on this subject.

            Being compassionate toward yourself is essential. Of course this hurts. You’ve put your heart and soul into raising this child and you spent endless minutes and hours invested in his or her well-being. Why wouldn’t it be monumental for the young person to now walk out of your life? Of course, many children don’t walk too far  - their parents will talk to them daily and/or see them often. And yet, it will never be the same. Honor the parenting journey by allowing yourself to feel those feelings at the end. You’ll free yourself up to feel the joy of the next stage of this awesome journey.