MOTHER YOURSELF FIRST

More Than Love

As new parents hold their tiny first born child, so many thoughts and feelings swirl through their minds and souls. A powerful love, an awesome sense of responsibility and a dash of terror inform the young people that things are about to change – forever.

Now that the baby is here, it is clear that it is up to THEM to ensure its survival. More than that, THEY are the ones who must guide the little person’s development, choosing schools, foods, clothes, activities and more that will shape his or her complete life view. However immature the parents were prior to the birth, they now step into larger shoes with a sobering sense of responsibility. It’s all up to them, 24/7.

Self-Sacrifice

Raising a child requires self-sacrifice – literally, a sacrifice of one’s own self. Do  I want to sleep? Too bad. A baby needs to be fed. Do I want a new piece of furniture? Too bad – camp bills are coming in. Do I want to go out right now? Too bad – the babysitter cancelled. Do I feel like running away from home? Can’t. Children are depending on me.

Both mothers and fathers must sacrifice all kinds of things in order to raise a family – money, comfort, convenience, freedom, privacy, time and much more. But mothers particularly sacrifice large chunks of themselves in order to care for their children. A woman’s career choice is still often determined by considerations for her maternal obligations: which career path combines well with marriage, years of pregnancy, maternity leave, care of the home and above all, care of the children? When the job is not a good fit and there are other viable options, the children stay, the job goes - no matter how personally satisfying it is.

 A woman’s personal “free” time is also curtailed. Even if she has household help, she often wants to schedule herself to be present emotionally and physically for her kids a certain amount of each day, regardless of her work obligations, other family obligations, household management obligations and so on. Their names must appear on her schedule even if her name does not.

Even if a woman is sick, she doesn’t always have the luxury to lie in bed and nurse herself back to health. So often, she is up taking care of the baby and toddler, still making dinner for the others, doing her best to carry on with her responsibilities despite weakness, fever and chills. In fact, motherly self-sacrifice can sometimes morph into motherly self-neglect, not just during times of illness but on healthy days as well. “No time for me” can mean no exercise, no socializing, no downtime. The result of self-sacrifice run amok can be an unhealthy, unhappy and irritable mother-person.

You are the Central Pillar

As mother of the house, YOU are the central pillar holding up the entire home. If you crumble, the house falls. Therefore, it is essential to balance healthy self-sacrifice – the ability to put your children’s needs first – with healthy doses of self –care. Nurture yourself so that you can nurture the members of your household.

For those who hesitate to take care of themselves because it seems so selfish, consider the fact that self-care is an important MODEL to provide for your children. Running yourself ragged and showing the effects of your martyrdom (depressed mood, resentment, bad temper, bad health, neglected appearance or other symptoms of self-neglect) usually scares the wits out of children, causing them to vow to never live a life like yours. Children still have a healthy instinct that tells them that the good life is associated with visibly good results. Misery is a hard sell. Therefore, if not for your own sake, at least for your children’s sake, take care of yourself.

Self-Care, Self-Love, Self-Respect

Children need to see that their mother is a queen, not a downtrodden servant. Get out of the habit of letting everyone eat while you are running around serving them. Make the meal, serve it and then SIT DOWN with them and eat. Make some “adult-time” with your husband inside and/or outside of the home; the kids need to see how a person nurtures marital love. Children can learn not to interrupt these special times. Take up a hobby that has no value other than that YOU enjoy it. Want to paint rocks? Go for it! Let the children see that it is important to have a bit of fun each day and that you value yourself enough to treat yourself in this way. “This is Mommy’s time to paint/read/talk with her friend/learn/ whatever.” The “self” will be satisfied with minutes a day – it doesn’t need much. It just needs to know that you care enough to address its needs and protect its time. Small amounts of attention to the self will revitalize you, giving you renewed interest in life, greater strength and vitality and above all, more ability to give.