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VERBAL ABUSE
What is Verbal Abuse?
Verbal abuse is a damaging form of communication. A verbal abuser hurts others with his or her words just like a physical abuser hurts others with his or her body or weapons. Verbal abusers, like physical abusers, inflict pain intentionally - at least in the moment. In other words, they intend to hurt someone. They aim their words like poisonous arrows, even if they do so \"in self-defense.\" Although they may regret their actions later, they want to cause harm now. Driven by hurt and anger, verbal abusers act impulsively, without consideration for longterm consequences. Like murderers who grab the nearest knife in the heat of an argument, they fling wounding words in order to solve a problem NOW. And like those who attack others physically, they have not learned to keep themselves in check. They allow themselves to hit below the belt verbally - often because they witnessed this same kind of abuse in their families of origin or because their parents never trained them to control their tongues. In family life, verbal abusers can be parents, siblings or kids.
The most common forms of verbal abused are those that use harsh words or words that attack the character of a family member. Any negative label can be considered verbal abuse. Telling a child that he is a \"lazy bum\" is verbal abuse. Calling a youngster \"stupid\" is verbal abuse. Using these labels on a spouse is verbal abuse. Siblings calling each other \"idiot\" is verbal abuse.
Insulting character can be accomplished with phrases just as with words. Saying things like \"you always think of yourself - never anyone else\" is verbal abuse. \"You make me crazy,\" \"you\'re driving me nuts, \" \"you\'re insane,\" \"you belong in a mental institution\" and other such outrageous insults are all forms of verbal abuse. Instead of just saying, \"I\'m very upset with you right now\" the verbal abuser attacks his or her victims with accusations and put-downs.
Swearing at someone is always verbal abuse. Even swearing to oneself in the presence of another is verbal abuse. Issuing violent threats - even under one\'s breath - is verbal abuse (\"I wish you\'d die,\" \"I\'d like to kill you,\" \"I\'m going to kill myself and then you\'ll be sorry,\" \"I\'ll break your neck,\" and so on). Yelling, screaming, shouting and otherwise raising our voices is verbal abuse unless we are making that racket because there is a fire on the stove or some other life-threatening emergency.
Verbal Abuse in Family Life
Those who employ verbal abuse will always have troubled relationships. A verbally abusing person will have a troubled marriage. He might blame his abuse on his wife who also abuses him verbally but the fact remains that HIS inability to respond to provocation without verbal abuse is HIS problem. A woman who only abuses her husband verbally is still a verbal abuser. A person who only abuses his or her children when the children behave terribly is still a verbal abuser. In other words, we can never blame others for our use of verbal abuse. How we respond to bad behavior in other people remains OUR choice and OUR responsibility. You either are a verbal abuser or you are not. No one makes you one, even temporarily. If you are a verbal abuser, you will always have troubled relationships.
The rule in family life for those who want to enjoy healthy, life long relationships with their family members, is that no verbal abuse is allowed under any circumstances. Even one occasion of verbal abuse can be memorable to the point of traumatic. Certainly, repeated instances of verbal abuse destroy marriages. Repeated instances of verbal abuse toward children normally cause developmental problems (emotional reactions such as stress, depression, anxiety and contributions to more serious mental health problems like borderline personality disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder). Moreover, repeated verbal abuse toward children can cause irreparable harm to the parent-child relationship. In addition, speaking to children with such disrespect can provide a model of disrespect that they actually copy, leading them to have troubled relationships throughout their own lives.
How to Refrain from Verbal Abuse
Many of us were raised by verbally abusive parents. We learned the technique and absorbed it into our subconscious minds. Under stress, it pops up - driven by adrenalin and strong feelings of threat and hurt. No one actually wants to be a verbal abuser because this behavior brings nothing but grief to us. We may find, however, that we accidentally end up verbally abusing others when we are triggered.
Disciplining ourselves can help break this cycle. A simple technique like making ourselves write out a page or two of lines (\"The more upset I am, the less I say\" or \"I can keep my mouth shut even though I feel upset\" or \"The angrier I am, the more important it is to think before I speak\" etc.) can break the neural pathway in our brain that causes us to use verbal abuse. If every time we yell, swear or insult a family member we make ourselves write out lines, it will only take a short while before our brains remind us BEFORE we abuse that we had better reconsider.
Taking anger-management classes or a brief course of psychotherapy can also help us break our cycle of verbal abuse. We will then be able to enjoy happier and healthier family relationships for the rest of our lives. This is an enormous favor to our loved ones who will also be able to thrive in the safety of a verbally healthy home.
Bach Flower Remedies for explosiveness, intolerance, impatience and rage can help verbal abusers who want their self-improvement strategies to work more easily and quickly.
Sometimes psychotropic medication is helpful to reduce our tendency to rage or act impulsively.
There is, as you can see, no shortage of strategies to help with this problem. None of us need to hurt others with our words. Keeping in mind that when we hurt our loved ones with our words, we are really destroying our own relationships - our own source of love and support - it is essential for us to do whatever is necessary to cure ourselves. It may not be our fault that we have used verbal abuse in the past; it is, however, our responsibility to stop using it in the present.
Verbal abuse is a damaging form of communication. A verbal abuser hurts others with his or her words just like a physical abuser hurts others with his or her body or weapons. Verbal abusers, like physical abusers, inflict pain intentionally - at least in the moment. In other words, they intend to hurt someone. They aim their words like poisonous arrows, even if they do so \"in self-defense.\" Although they may regret their actions later, they want to cause harm now. Driven by hurt and anger, verbal abusers act impulsively, without consideration for longterm consequences. Like murderers who grab the nearest knife in the heat of an argument, they fling wounding words in order to solve a problem NOW. And like those who attack others physically, they have not learned to keep themselves in check. They allow themselves to hit below the belt verbally - often because they witnessed this same kind of abuse in their families of origin or because their parents never trained them to control their tongues. In family life, verbal abusers can be parents, siblings or kids.
The most common forms of verbal abused are those that use harsh words or words that attack the character of a family member. Any negative label can be considered verbal abuse. Telling a child that he is a \"lazy bum\" is verbal abuse. Calling a youngster \"stupid\" is verbal abuse. Using these labels on a spouse is verbal abuse. Siblings calling each other \"idiot\" is verbal abuse.
Insulting character can be accomplished with phrases just as with words. Saying things like \"you always think of yourself - never anyone else\" is verbal abuse. \"You make me crazy,\" \"you\'re driving me nuts, \" \"you\'re insane,\" \"you belong in a mental institution\" and other such outrageous insults are all forms of verbal abuse. Instead of just saying, \"I\'m very upset with you right now\" the verbal abuser attacks his or her victims with accusations and put-downs.
Swearing at someone is always verbal abuse. Even swearing to oneself in the presence of another is verbal abuse. Issuing violent threats - even under one\'s breath - is verbal abuse (\"I wish you\'d die,\" \"I\'d like to kill you,\" \"I\'m going to kill myself and then you\'ll be sorry,\" \"I\'ll break your neck,\" and so on). Yelling, screaming, shouting and otherwise raising our voices is verbal abuse unless we are making that racket because there is a fire on the stove or some other life-threatening emergency.
Verbal Abuse in Family Life
Those who employ verbal abuse will always have troubled relationships. A verbally abusing person will have a troubled marriage. He might blame his abuse on his wife who also abuses him verbally but the fact remains that HIS inability to respond to provocation without verbal abuse is HIS problem. A woman who only abuses her husband verbally is still a verbal abuser. A person who only abuses his or her children when the children behave terribly is still a verbal abuser. In other words, we can never blame others for our use of verbal abuse. How we respond to bad behavior in other people remains OUR choice and OUR responsibility. You either are a verbal abuser or you are not. No one makes you one, even temporarily. If you are a verbal abuser, you will always have troubled relationships.
The rule in family life for those who want to enjoy healthy, life long relationships with their family members, is that no verbal abuse is allowed under any circumstances. Even one occasion of verbal abuse can be memorable to the point of traumatic. Certainly, repeated instances of verbal abuse destroy marriages. Repeated instances of verbal abuse toward children normally cause developmental problems (emotional reactions such as stress, depression, anxiety and contributions to more serious mental health problems like borderline personality disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder). Moreover, repeated verbal abuse toward children can cause irreparable harm to the parent-child relationship. In addition, speaking to children with such disrespect can provide a model of disrespect that they actually copy, leading them to have troubled relationships throughout their own lives.
How to Refrain from Verbal Abuse
Many of us were raised by verbally abusive parents. We learned the technique and absorbed it into our subconscious minds. Under stress, it pops up - driven by adrenalin and strong feelings of threat and hurt. No one actually wants to be a verbal abuser because this behavior brings nothing but grief to us. We may find, however, that we accidentally end up verbally abusing others when we are triggered.
Disciplining ourselves can help break this cycle. A simple technique like making ourselves write out a page or two of lines (\"The more upset I am, the less I say\" or \"I can keep my mouth shut even though I feel upset\" or \"The angrier I am, the more important it is to think before I speak\" etc.) can break the neural pathway in our brain that causes us to use verbal abuse. If every time we yell, swear or insult a family member we make ourselves write out lines, it will only take a short while before our brains remind us BEFORE we abuse that we had better reconsider.
Taking anger-management classes or a brief course of psychotherapy can also help us break our cycle of verbal abuse. We will then be able to enjoy happier and healthier family relationships for the rest of our lives. This is an enormous favor to our loved ones who will also be able to thrive in the safety of a verbally healthy home.
Bach Flower Remedies for explosiveness, intolerance, impatience and rage can help verbal abusers who want their self-improvement strategies to work more easily and quickly.
Sometimes psychotropic medication is helpful to reduce our tendency to rage or act impulsively.
There is, as you can see, no shortage of strategies to help with this problem. None of us need to hurt others with our words. Keeping in mind that when we hurt our loved ones with our words, we are really destroying our own relationships - our own source of love and support - it is essential for us to do whatever is necessary to cure ourselves. It may not be our fault that we have used verbal abuse in the past; it is, however, our responsibility to stop using it in the present.