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IRRESPONSIBILITY
Forgets It, Loses It, Hands It In Late
Some people, including some teenagers, are very responsible. You can really count on them. They\'re honest, reliable, dependable, prompt and all the rest. Then there are the others. Some in this group are mostly responsible with a few glitches here in and there (your average, fallible human being). But some people are really irresponsible. This latter bunch doesn\'t call to say they\'ll be late. They don\'t pay their bills or hand in their assignments or fix the fence when it\'s broken. They break their promises. You don\'t bother asking them to do things because you know there\'s no point: if they do it at all, it will require so much supervision and nagging that you could have more easily and less painfully done it yourself.
Teenagers, like other people, can be responsible, sort of responsible or irresponsible. How can parents help their irresponsible teens?
The Wrong Way to Help
Let\'s first look at what doesn\'t help irresponsible teenagers. Fits of parental anger never accomplish anything good (and consistently accomplishes lots that\'s bad) so expressing anger is not one of our options. Therefore when a teen is caught speeding, drinking excessively, going to school stoned, drinking and driving, skipping school or doing any other irresponsible behavior, DON\'T have a fit of anger. If you feel anger, calm yourself down using any healthy self-soothing strategies that you know or accessing outside support from friends, family, pastors or professionals.
Excessive punishment also doesn\'t help. It creates resentment and negativity and weakens the seat of parental power - the parent-child bond. Once the bond is weakened, the parent loses ability to impact positively on the child. Unless the child actually likes the parent, he doesn\'t care whether or not the parent is pleased or disappointed. Excessive punishment, like anger, reduces the child\'s desire to try to do what the parent wants.
Lecturing, criticizing and all other bad-feeling, unpleasant communications have similar unhelpful or downright negative effects.
What Might Help
Improving everything might help the child who steals. First, improve the parent-child relationship by increasing positive attention and limiting negative attention across the board - in other words, follow the 90-10 Rule for teenagers as outlined in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice.
Expressing real concern, interest and compassion can help. Talk to the child about her behavior, taking more time to LISTEN than to speak. Use \"emotional coaching\" to reflect back the child\'s worldview, thoughts and feelings. Take the child to a mental health professional to try to get to the bottom of the urge to steal.
Let the child know that there has to be consequences for stealing. This should be done without rejection, drama, anger or any other negative aspect. Just give the facts: future stealing will result in \"such & such\" negative consequences (see the 2X-Rule in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice for specific guidelines for discipline).
These steps are usually sufficient to help repair stealing behavior in teens. At times, more intense treatment is necessary, but usually this occurs when there have been longstanding, severe mental health issues or a history of conduct disorder. Even in such cases, the above steps may help to some extent.
Treating teenagers like real people is the key. We all make mistakes - some of them very serious ones. Think how you want to be treated when you are floundering. Keep this in mind when approaching your troubled teen.
Some people, including some teenagers, are very responsible. You can really count on them. They\'re honest, reliable, dependable, prompt and all the rest. Then there are the others. Some in this group are mostly responsible with a few glitches here in and there (your average, fallible human being). But some people are really irresponsible. This latter bunch doesn\'t call to say they\'ll be late. They don\'t pay their bills or hand in their assignments or fix the fence when it\'s broken. They break their promises. You don\'t bother asking them to do things because you know there\'s no point: if they do it at all, it will require so much supervision and nagging that you could have more easily and less painfully done it yourself.
Teenagers, like other people, can be responsible, sort of responsible or irresponsible. How can parents help their irresponsible teens?
The Wrong Way to Help
Let\'s first look at what doesn\'t help irresponsible teenagers. Fits of parental anger never accomplish anything good (and consistently accomplishes lots that\'s bad) so expressing anger is not one of our options. Therefore when a teen is caught speeding, drinking excessively, going to school stoned, drinking and driving, skipping school or doing any other irresponsible behavior, DON\'T have a fit of anger. If you feel anger, calm yourself down using any healthy self-soothing strategies that you know or accessing outside support from friends, family, pastors or professionals.
Excessive punishment also doesn\'t help. It creates resentment and negativity and weakens the seat of parental power - the parent-child bond. Once the bond is weakened, the parent loses ability to impact positively on the child. Unless the child actually likes the parent, he doesn\'t care whether or not the parent is pleased or disappointed. Excessive punishment, like anger, reduces the child\'s desire to try to do what the parent wants.
Lecturing, criticizing and all other bad-feeling, unpleasant communications have similar unhelpful or downright negative effects.
What Might Help
Improving everything might help the child who steals. First, improve the parent-child relationship by increasing positive attention and limiting negative attention across the board - in other words, follow the 90-10 Rule for teenagers as outlined in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice.
Expressing real concern, interest and compassion can help. Talk to the child about her behavior, taking more time to LISTEN than to speak. Use \"emotional coaching\" to reflect back the child\'s worldview, thoughts and feelings. Take the child to a mental health professional to try to get to the bottom of the urge to steal.
Let the child know that there has to be consequences for stealing. This should be done without rejection, drama, anger or any other negative aspect. Just give the facts: future stealing will result in \"such & such\" negative consequences (see the 2X-Rule in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice for specific guidelines for discipline).
These steps are usually sufficient to help repair stealing behavior in teens. At times, more intense treatment is necessary, but usually this occurs when there have been longstanding, severe mental health issues or a history of conduct disorder. Even in such cases, the above steps may help to some extent.
Treating teenagers like real people is the key. We all make mistakes - some of them very serious ones. Think how you want to be treated when you are floundering. Keep this in mind when approaching your troubled teen.