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HURTING THE NEW BABY
Why Do Toddlers Hurt the New Baby?
Toddlers don\'t know why they do this so never ask them! Don\'t say, \"Why do you do that? Don\'t you love your new sister?\" The poor youngster has no conscious clue of why he slaps his new little sister, squeezes her neck or otherwise torments her. In fact, when he approaches the baby to touch her soft skin or look at her big eyes, he generally has no intention of hurting the infant. However, within moments, \"something\" overtakes him and his arms lash out as if running on their own power. When his parents scream at him for hurting the baby, he is often genuinely surprised at the sudden turn of events. Why is everyone mad at him yet again? Why did his arms do that?
Sweet little toddlers (as well as those who aren\'t so sweet) don\'t plan their attacks on their new siblings. In fact, they\'re kind of like us adults who don\'t plan to scream at the kids every morning. During the morning rush, we surprisingly \"find ourselves screaming\" even though we are consciously determined to stay calm every day. What happens to us, is what is happening to our toddler. The subconscious mind takes over. Despite our best intentions, an angry part of us grabs the steering wheel of our vehicle (i.e. our body and our mouth). This is the same part, by the way, that grabs an extra piece of cake while our conscious mind is on a diet. The inner demon hijacks the brain for a few moments - long enough to eat the cake, scream at the kids or - in the case of the toddler - hurt the baby.
What to Do About It
Since it isn\'t the conscious mind that is misbehaving, there is really no point in talking to the toddler\'s conscious mind. That is, don\'t waste your time telling him to be nice to the baby or not to hurt the baby. It won\'t help one bit.
Instead, work with the unconscious mind. The toddler\'s behavior is showing what the unconscious mind is feeling: anger. The youngster has been replaced with a special little bundle that is demanding everyone\'s attention. This is making the toddler sad, of course. But it is also making him mad. He wants to get rid of this intruder who is ruining his party.
Parents can speak directly to the unconscious mind by naming the anger. \"Oh, I see that there\'s a part of you that is very mad at Baby Jenny. Part of you wants to hurt her!\" (This statement is very true. Only part of your toddler resents the baby. Other parts are both loving and intensely protective of the infant.) After naming the feeling, you can try to help the mad and hurting part: \"We can\'t hurt the baby. What we CAN do is make your mad part feel better. What would make your mad part feel happier?\" If the toddler doesn\'t have an answer for this, the parent can make suggestions (\"Would you feel better if you could sit in Mommy\'s lap for awhile?\" \"Do you need some more stories?\" etc.) Acknowledging, accepting and addressing the pain of the hurting part helps the hurting part to calm down.
Interestingly, direct interventions like punishment generally have no positive effect on rough toddler behavior. In fact, the more the parents punish a toddler for hurting a baby, the more the toddler tends to hurt the baby. Sometimes, giving positive attention for gentle behavior can be helpful in reducing rough behavior. Use the CLeaR Method - comment, label, reward. \"You\'re touching the baby so softly. That\'s so gentle of you. I think that deserves a big kiss/extra story/etc.\"
Toddlers will hurt the new baby. It\'s very common and very understandable. Showing your understanding is an important way to help start building your child\'s emotional intelligence. Although todder\'s rough behavior is very upsetting to parents, it\'s important that parents not make matters worse by showing anger and becoming very punitive. Patience is required! With your gentle understanding, chances are that your toddler will move through his upset feelings and aggressive behavior much more quickly.
Toddlers don\'t know why they do this so never ask them! Don\'t say, \"Why do you do that? Don\'t you love your new sister?\" The poor youngster has no conscious clue of why he slaps his new little sister, squeezes her neck or otherwise torments her. In fact, when he approaches the baby to touch her soft skin or look at her big eyes, he generally has no intention of hurting the infant. However, within moments, \"something\" overtakes him and his arms lash out as if running on their own power. When his parents scream at him for hurting the baby, he is often genuinely surprised at the sudden turn of events. Why is everyone mad at him yet again? Why did his arms do that?
Sweet little toddlers (as well as those who aren\'t so sweet) don\'t plan their attacks on their new siblings. In fact, they\'re kind of like us adults who don\'t plan to scream at the kids every morning. During the morning rush, we surprisingly \"find ourselves screaming\" even though we are consciously determined to stay calm every day. What happens to us, is what is happening to our toddler. The subconscious mind takes over. Despite our best intentions, an angry part of us grabs the steering wheel of our vehicle (i.e. our body and our mouth). This is the same part, by the way, that grabs an extra piece of cake while our conscious mind is on a diet. The inner demon hijacks the brain for a few moments - long enough to eat the cake, scream at the kids or - in the case of the toddler - hurt the baby.
What to Do About It
Since it isn\'t the conscious mind that is misbehaving, there is really no point in talking to the toddler\'s conscious mind. That is, don\'t waste your time telling him to be nice to the baby or not to hurt the baby. It won\'t help one bit.
Instead, work with the unconscious mind. The toddler\'s behavior is showing what the unconscious mind is feeling: anger. The youngster has been replaced with a special little bundle that is demanding everyone\'s attention. This is making the toddler sad, of course. But it is also making him mad. He wants to get rid of this intruder who is ruining his party.
Parents can speak directly to the unconscious mind by naming the anger. \"Oh, I see that there\'s a part of you that is very mad at Baby Jenny. Part of you wants to hurt her!\" (This statement is very true. Only part of your toddler resents the baby. Other parts are both loving and intensely protective of the infant.) After naming the feeling, you can try to help the mad and hurting part: \"We can\'t hurt the baby. What we CAN do is make your mad part feel better. What would make your mad part feel happier?\" If the toddler doesn\'t have an answer for this, the parent can make suggestions (\"Would you feel better if you could sit in Mommy\'s lap for awhile?\" \"Do you need some more stories?\" etc.) Acknowledging, accepting and addressing the pain of the hurting part helps the hurting part to calm down.
Interestingly, direct interventions like punishment generally have no positive effect on rough toddler behavior. In fact, the more the parents punish a toddler for hurting a baby, the more the toddler tends to hurt the baby. Sometimes, giving positive attention for gentle behavior can be helpful in reducing rough behavior. Use the CLeaR Method - comment, label, reward. \"You\'re touching the baby so softly. That\'s so gentle of you. I think that deserves a big kiss/extra story/etc.\"
Toddlers will hurt the new baby. It\'s very common and very understandable. Showing your understanding is an important way to help start building your child\'s emotional intelligence. Although todder\'s rough behavior is very upsetting to parents, it\'s important that parents not make matters worse by showing anger and becoming very punitive. Patience is required! With your gentle understanding, chances are that your toddler will move through his upset feelings and aggressive behavior much more quickly.